Friday, March 29, 2013

I'm Not Ready

As I was sitting there waiting for my mom and my sister to meet me for lunch yesterday this weird, yet, very calming feeling came over me. It was like my questions had been answered.

I'm not ready.

This is what my doubt was all about. It was the doubt inside myself that made me question my faith. 

I'm not ready. 

My body is not ready to be a womb for a baby. I'm over weight, my eating habits have been horrible, I don't exercise, and I worry too much. How can I expect my body to be home to baby when it's all out of sorts? I also know deep down that many people who are in much worse shape than myself get pregnant, easily. But, maybe that is not my path. Maybe I am to get myself healthy before I can be a healthy home to a growing child.

I am not ready. 

I need to heal inside. I need to bring my self back to my roots. I am not saying that by doing that I will be pregnant, but I might be happier. I want to find peace inside myself, peace with all my choices, my mistakes and my BFN's. I want to feel God's love. I want to believe in something; I want to trust in it. 
 
I am not ready.

IVF scares me. I am not ready to invest so much money into something that may not work. I am not ready to take that chance; and that makes me sad. I know that there is never a guarantee with any pregnancy, no matter how the pregnancy was achieved, so I understand the gamble doesn't start or end with IVF.

I am not ready.

I do not want to give up on the idea of IVF and the only reason I am not ready to go through with IVF is because, right now, we can't afford it. If money was not an issue, I would do IVF over and over again until we got pregnant or until recommended otherwise. It hurts; knowing that we have a good chance of getting pregnant with IVF, but realizing that we can't because cost stands in the way.

He is not ready. 

I would go into any amount of debt to try and have a child but my DH is not. I can't just think about my wants in moments like this. We are bringing our child into this world, we need to agree. I am not ready to cause a crater between myself and my DH just because money means nothing to me. That is not fair, nor is it right. We are a team. I am not ready to jeopardize that.

I am not ready.

I know that no matter what problems I have, we do have a chance to get pregnant. Pregnancy is a miracle and miracles happen every day. So, just because we can't afford all the treatments in the world, we can still try. We can do what we can do when we can do it. I am not ready to quit. Whether it be naturally or with a little help of ART we will continue to try for our little bundle. I am not ready to give up.  

I am not ready.

I realized that I am hurting inside because I doubt my faith so much. I feel so bad about that. I feel like I let my parents down when I question God. I want to believe, I want to know he has a great plan for  me, but it hurts to put all my faith into something that I haven't be able to trust. Yet, after typing that I wonder if it wasn't him that "saved" me all those times in my past. Maybe I have been able to trust all along, but was too blind to see it.

While I am ready to give some of my worry, stress, fear and heartbreak over to him, I am not ready to give it all. Yet.

14 comments:

  1. This post makes me glad for you. I'm glad you have found answers. They may not be the answers you expected but you have them in yourself. I agree having a good self, be it mind, body, or both, is important. Furthermore a strong relationship is important too. I'm proud of you! I know reaching this decision was not easy and putting it to words probably wasn't either. Thank you for sharing this :-)

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    1. It felt good ot put my blame aside. I know "he" is not the only factor in my journey. He is part of it, but not all of it. I need to rely on trust, him, and science. It is a group effort and I am a big part of that group. I need to find peace in this struggle. That does not mean that I need to accept it or that I need to give up, I just need to see it as a lesson not a punishment. I feel better, thank you!

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  2. Love this! I'm so glad you are finding some sort of peace amidst all this craziness. Thinking about you...

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    1. Thanks, friend. I can't say I won't have more doubtful moments in the future. Thats the shitty thing about IF. It makes me feel unstable! LOL! For now, I am good.

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  3. I love that quote. I'm glad you're finding some peace.

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    1. It was an appropriate quote, wasn't it! I am feeling so much better. Thanks for being here!

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  4. That is a wonderful quote! Listen to your heart. If you're not ready, that's okay. When you're ready, you'll know and shouldn't push yourself too hard on in the meantime. I believe the path your life should take will become clear in time. It's okay to question but try not to lose your faith. Hugs!

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    1. Jessah, thanks for stopping by and reading! I hope that you are having fun on your mission trip! I think that the questions I had- instilled my faith back in me, as odd as that may be!

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  5. It sounds like He gave you an answer. I hope that you have found some measure of peace for the moment that you are "not ready." I totally understand where you are of not taking that step into debt for IVF yet. Hubby and I waited a LOooonnngggg time before we made that leap. It's still a debt, but one that we could at least afford the monthly payments on. It's a difficult leap of faith to make, but for us, we just don't want to look back and regret not trying absolutely everything. We are getting too old to wait any longer. Hubby has said that he feels like we are just paying for peace of mind. Well, if that's all we get out of it, at least we will know we tried everything. You still have time....

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    1. It was the most calming feeling when I realized it. It was really unbelievable. I am not saying we will never do IVF, but for me, for us, right now, is not the time. But, I did tell my DH that I am not DONE trying until we have an IVF under our belt. That way I know I did all I could do!

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  6. What a beautiful and truthful post. Thank you for sharing your feelings so openly. I have felt very similar emotions and shared the same thoughts. You're definitely not alone.

    Sometimes during your TTC journey, you will go through periods of reflection. You will search within yourself for answers. This is very good. It's great to realize what you are truly feeling about everything. It will only bring you one step closer to achieving your ultimate goal.

    Even though things seem crazy and far off, you really are on the right track. You will get there. Keep listening to your heart and working on your goals. I feel very hopeful for the (hopefully near) future for you!
    **HUGS**

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    1. Thanks Lisa! It was rather easy to write. I think that part of faith is being able to question it and then being able to beleive it. At least for me, anyway!

      HUGS right back!

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  7. I love this post and I can identify with everything you said. From the money to the health concerns to doubting your faith. Bravo for putting it out there. I think the times I got stressed about what treatments we were doing/ what path we traveled is when I was too concerned about other people's opinions about them. Once I stopped and thought only about J and I and what WE wanted, what WE were comfortable with, it all made sense. I am so happy you had this turning point. Only up from here, girl! XOXO

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    1. Thanks, Laura! It just kinda hit me. I didn't even think about it, the answers just came to me. I am feeling good about things. Calmer, more excepting. ;-)

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