Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Get Yourself Together

I am not pregnant.

I get so sick of saying that month after month. My odds of getting pregnant should not be equivalent to my odds of winning the lottery (I don't play the lottery, I play hide and seek with a fucking stork). This is utter bullshit. We have been TTC for so long now and I hate the emotional roller coaster. It is not fair. Just not fair. I deserve to be pregnant. I deserve to be a mom!

Deep down I knew I was going to get a BFN. But part of me thought that maybe if I changed my thinking and really focused on a BFP, that just maybe... it would happen. I really thought I was having new symptoms and when AF didn'y show yesterday I thought maybe I was! When I told my DH that I actually thought I was pregant this month and he said "I think you are pregnant every month." He is always positive.
Every time I get a BFN I start doubting myself; and the doctor. I know that it is not right nor is it fair. I just feel like I need to blame something, someone. I mean there has to be something we are missing, something that is preventing me from conception.

My mind starts to wonder and all of a sudden I want to get an third opinion. I start thinking that surely someone else will know what to do and will quickly get us pregnant; as if they had a magic wand or something.  

In reality I think we just need to keep trying what seems to be working. I mean, truly, what we are doing is working. I am just and impatient brat.

When I went to see Dr.A the first time it was because I was not ovulating and Clomid was a waste of time. For the first time in who knows how long I actually was able to ovulate while under his care. I am ovulating with the Femara and having "normal" cycles, so maybe we just need to do more cycles paired with triggers and IUIs. What can that hurt? I believe it will only increase our chances. We have only done 2 IUIs. One with Femara and one with Menopur. I think we owe it to ourselves to try at least 4 rounds of IUI paired with a good ovulation.

For now, I am going to take a month off. Not because I need to, or because I want to, but because it will be easier on our wallets, and since I am out of a job, we should. The baseline U/S have gone up to nearly $700 dollars and I would prefer to use that money on IUIs and monitoring. Besides, I seem to ovulate really well after coming off the BCP and going onto the Femara.

I'd love to see what size follicles I have with a progesterone of 22-75. My largest follicle on the Femara last year was 15mm, my largest follicle with the Menopur was 19mm. I only ever produced one mature follicle on the right ovary, each cycle. The nurses think I could have had more than 2 this last cycle. That is why I want to monitor from now on; so we know exactly what we are dealing with. 

Tantrum over.

I'm not pregnant.

Time to get myself together.

We're not done yet.




31 comments:

  1. I honestly think you have a great plan in the works. You definitely owe it to yourself to try a few more iui's with whatever medications work the best for you.

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    1. Thanks! Now to just buckle down and do it! I have to stop making new plans before we complete one!

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  2. Patience is so hard, when what we are waiting for is so important to us! I'm glad you are determined and strong, they are going to be great qualities when you become a Mom :)

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    1. Oh, thank you! I hope that I get to be a mom!

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  3. I was thinking about you doing your last cycle, I know the OPKs gave you inconsistent results and TI is so frustrating, it seems that a cycle with monitoring and IUI might be more efficient -IMHO. Enjoy your month off and best of luck with your new strategy!

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    1. We thought that since we saw such a change in the OPKS last month that we would tryagain to save money-- screw that. I will spend the extra dough!

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    2. We thought the same thing, I get consists results with the CBE monitor, but it's so stressful trying to coordinate TI. IUI cycle $500, not feeling frustrated because you couldn't have TI during your fertile time: priceless.

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  4. I was so hoping to stop by and see that you got a BFP. I'm so sorry you didn't get it. I can relate so much to your feelings, it sucks! I did finally give in and trust my gut. I got a 3rd opinion which ended up being the best choice we ever made. I had ovarian drilling and then was pregnant 2 months later. Sometimes it just takes a new perspective. Your plan sounds great and I sure hope it works! Good luck girl, keep your chin up!

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    1. A friend of mine has PCOS, went to this particular doctor I want to see, and did 2 rounds of injection/femara therapies. She has 2 little ones from 2 different cycles. My doctor was earie of doing that protocol in fear of OHSS> I never produce more that 3 follies, so what is the worry??

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    2. The idea of trial and error sucks because it is a life you are trying to create. Because of my ovarian drilling procedure we did not have to go the injection route, although that was the next step if the surgery did not work. It was a tough decision for me but really I just got as many opinions as I could (from those who were on an infertile journey as well) and then went back to my doctor. Our 2nd doctor did not want to try anything out of the 'normal regimen' as he called it so we decided to seek a 3rd opinion. I just say follow your gut, it's not about rushing things or pushing - it's about making sure you feel comfortable knowing you are doing everything that's available to you in order to reach your dream. I wish things could be more cut and dry, it would sure be easier on us!!

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  5. Argh it's so frustrating. It kind of sucks because we are in opposite cycles, but know I am thinking about you. I truly understand your frustration because I go through it every month. I'm glad you can take a month off. After my beta in two weeks we are taking a month off too and I am looking forward to the break. I hope the multiple IUIs work for you. Hugs, friend.

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    1. Risa, Thanks. I hope you get your BFP so I can live through you! ;-) I am so heartbroken every time I get a BFN and then I feel silly for even thinking it could have been a BFP- Infertility really fucks with your emotions.

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    2. I completely understand. I have had so many BFNs that I am feeling that I will never get a positive. I cannot even fathom what that would feel like. :(

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  6. I am so sorry to hear this T! We too are restricted by financial issues. We are currently in cycle 2 CD14 of our six month NFP route. I am using BBT charting (friendly fertility app) while also using the CB fertility monitor. No BFP for us yet. My DH bless his heart thinks positive thinking will produce positive results. It breaks my heart every time I have to tell him it is a BFN but he is always so positive. My body sure is giving us a challenge with PCOS and Endo. In six months we will go to an RE (finances willing) if there is no BFP. I am thinking positively because whether we get our BFP or not this charting and tracking is good documentation to give to the doctor so they can get a better handle on me and my body. I worry that insurance ( I hope to get some soon) will not cover fertility treatments as I was diagnosed in 2010 and they might say it is a preexisting condition. Using my husbands positive thinking method to keep my spirits up. Know that you are not alone in this journey (it took me a long time to realize I wasn't) your cysters are with you each step of the way cheering you on. Now go do something fun with your DH and don't think about this. Your time WILL come and so will the rest of ours.

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    1. The charting is great. It does tell you so much about your body. I love that the guys are so positive. Some one needs to be for the times when we want to give up. I am hoping you get a BFP very soon!!!

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  7. I'm sorry. :( It's so hard to be patient when you put so much time, effort, and money into something you want so badly.

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    1. It is unfair. I wish I had wise words to make it seem less unfair or make it easier.

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  8. I am so sorry! How incredibly frustrating...no that is an understatement! I do believe in the power of positive thinking but it is so hard when slapped in the face with a BFN. Do you have PCOS? (Sorry I'm a new follower.....) I have PCOS and recently was put on Metformin. Deep down inside I hope I get pregnant naturally...but I know that's not going to happen. Why does infertility have to be so damn hard! Remember.....infertility is a damn marathon, not a sprint. (unfortunately) :( ((HUGS))

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    1. Ann, yes I have PCOS and I am on Metformin; I have been for a year now. I love that last sentence!! I never have been a very good long distance runner.... ;-)

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  9. Uhg. So sorry, and right here with you on Day 2. It never stops sucking, no matter how many times we experience it, does it? I know what you mean about wondering if you're missing something, protocol wise...When I think about all the factors involved, it actually seems a miracle to me that anyone ever gets pregnant and carries to term, and that babies are born! But of course, I see others around me doing it all the time. I try to take it as a positive sign that this *is* possible. Hang in there - you're not done yet!

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    1. Never gets easier. Thanks for your words! WE are NOT done yet... :-)

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  10. I'm sorry :( I really wish there was more to say... :(

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    1. Thanks. I know, finding words to say for times like this is never easy. I appreciate you reading my thoughts and supporting me.

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  11. Sounds like you have a good plan going and a break will be good. As much as it sucks to break every once in a while, we do need it. I've been known to throw tantrums over taking breaks, because I'm usually not the one calling the 'break shots,' so I understand! I agree with T, that you do owe yourself a few more IUIs, that way you can see what is working and what's not. I'm finally coming to the realization 5 cycles of injects in, that I'm not ever going to produce more than 2 lead follicles per cycle...even when combined with femara or clomid. Hang in there! You're doing all the right things and it will be your turn soon! XO

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    1. Thanks, Laura! I would give anything for a BFP!

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  12. I would keep on doing treatments forever if I could, but with no insurance coverage for any of this, it is very limiting. I think doing monitored cycles would be so much better though, if you are able to, so you can at least know what is going on. Hugs!

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    1. Oh, I would do treatments until I had a baby, for sure, if money were not an issue. Sadly, we live pay check to pay check and we can only do what we can do. I hate that Oregon does not mandate IF coverage. We have great insurance other than that... Hugs back!

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  13. I'm sorry that you got another BFN- they are the worst.

    I know that one of your drs suggested moving to IVF and I know how expensive it is. Have you thought about doing IVF abroad? It's less expensive and you get a vacation out of it at the same time. Just a thought....

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    1. BFN are stabs at the heart for sure. We talked about IVF again today- if we have to we are looking at 2014. I should look into that. Thanks! Enjoy the socks! Good luck Saturday!!

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  14. I know how you feel, and because if that, I'm even more sorry that you have to go through this. I don't even know what I will do with myself if I do get a BFP at some point. I'm afraid I will be constantly waiting for it to end or something else horrible. Here's to hoping that our blogs can be full of baby pictures in the future instead of pictures of OPK's and negative HPTs. I should start framing them to show people when they show me pictures of their babies haha

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