Cha - Cha - Changes!

Sometimes in order to be happy you have to take risks. I've have taken quite a few risks in my time and recently I took a one more.

As many of you loyal and loving readers know, I was unhappy at the place of work I was at and contemplating leaving because I didn't like all the drama and instability; I like it when policies and procedures are enforced all the way across the board, not just enforced when the mood is right.  I like to be around honest, hardworking people who play well with others and who have drive to be part of the solution- not the problem. Since that was not something the office could provide me with (a happy place to work), I had enough and on July 9th, I put in my two week notice. 

There was a moment when I was completely stressed and was panicking about what I was going to do for income since I decided to leave prior to getting another job, but then I started talking to people, applying for jobs and setting up interviews and things quickly started looking up; on July 15th, I was offered a position with a well established, well know dermatology office that I used to work for 10+ years ago! Mike was never worried about me getting a job; he said I would get one with little effort; he was right. 

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My family has been in town from California so I have been spending a lot of time with them outside enjoying this amazing weather! My sister and her two kids were here last week and were a huge support while I was transitioning. They kept me busy and laughing. This week my brother is here with his three kids and his sweet wife. I will be occupied with them until Sunday morning when Mike and I take off for some much needed camping!

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Mike and I have slowly started talking about embryo adoption- or donation. We are just bouncing ideas and thoughts off one another at this point so I can't say which way we are leaning... if at all, but we are talking about trying and that just goes to show we may never give up our dream even though there may be times we choose to focus more on ourselves and the life we have. 

Finally, with that being said, I have also started a new blog- a blog focused more toward our life after infertility. I want a place where I can express our love for this sweet and sour life. I will probably use it more for life posts.... like this one and the post that prompted it. I know there are nosy people out there that want to dig up dirt and this way they don't have to search too hard... all the dirt about my life, my thoughts and my feelings will all be in one place and easy to find; and they won't have to filter through CM updates, ovulation test results and infertility thoughts to find the "dirt" they really want. :-)

Fork In The Road

I hate feeling lost. I hate not knowing which way to go when faced with a difficult decision; I've never been good at making up my mind even when it comes to the dinner menu. I thought that maybe if I wrote some of my thoughts down, I might find some inner peace or direction. Besides, some of you said you would follow my blog no matter what I wrote about; as long as I wrote. So, here I am.... writing.

A year ago I started with the office I am currently working at. I was approached via Facebook about the position by the practice owner. I knew him from the physical therapy office I was working for at the time as he was a patient and I ran the front office and was the billing manager; after seeing him week after week we became some-what "friends". I was happy that my personality left that much of an impression on him that he sought me out for a job.

I don't want to get into a whole lot of detail here but let me just say that in the year I have been with this company it has been constant transition, training, turn over and drama. I am not kidding. When I was hired I was "warned" by a couple employees about a certain employee and her inability to take responsibility or to be dependable. Let me just say this: they were right! Man, were they right! I hate to be cynical here but anyone who calls into work the last two days of the work week on a bi-weekly basis, is not ill- they are habitual and after a long weekend. 

However, the one who warned me of the shady employee forgot to mention she was one as well! This girl can NOT stop shit talking each and every person or patient in that office. She loves to call people out in front of anyone and everyone. She is seriously like a bull in a china closet; not the type of assistant you want chair side; I swear. She may know her stuff but she is loud, clumsy and flat out annoying! In fact, one night we were all out for a benefit and Mike was so annoyed with her and her loud mouth that he actually cupped his hands over his ears to shut her out- not shitting you! It was hilarious!!

And then there is the retiring doctor.... oh my gosh. I have never in my life met a grown man act like such a girl in high school. Honestly; he is worse than any brat I went to school with! He is so immature that he gave two if us the silent treatment because we were friends with ex-employees of his and went out for drinks and he didn't appreciate seeing the photos of us all on Facebook. He told us all once that if we saw so and so we had "better walk the other way or turn our backs". It is that petty. 

Here comes my fork. 

In January the practice sold to a husband and wife team. They are younger than me and my youngest sister, but they are super awesome and I want to believe they will thrive in the practice they have taken over. However, the drama continues.... as a matter of fact, I think it has gotten worse since they have taken over. There's a definite disconnect in the office. I feel like there are a few people who are very untrustworthy and backstabbing. I feel like someone is always trying to thrown someone under the bus and it's so easy to get wrapped up in drama; I hate it! 

Today, I was offered a management position with a chiropractor that a previous employer had recommended me to and the other day I was called back by a doctor I had interviewed with a year or more ago; I even declined her offer back then because we were too focused on trying to make a baby! Even though I never submitted a resume- I've got two job offers that could potentially lead me out of the drama zone I am in--- and I don't know what road to take. Do I stay or do I go?

I brought the issues to the new owners today and I told him of the offers I have on the table. I explained that I want to see them succeed and that I would love to help them to do so, but that I was unable to continue toward that goal with them, the way things are now. I suggested a communication course for the team, or, to have an HR consultant take a look at how we communicate to help us identify the struggles and ways we could over come them as a team. I even offered to remove myself from the equation completely once the doctor told me he didn't even want to come to work because of the drama! How sad is that!?

Right now, it basically feels like I've got my fork and zero appetite. I wish someone would tell me what I'm having. 

Side note: In the past 4 months I have had a 70 day cycle, a 13 day cycle, and now probably a 28 day cycle as I am spotting on CD 26.... weird!

No longer "impatiently waiting"

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted anything! Even though I haven't been as active as I have been in the past; I am still here checking in on all of you! It just seems like lately I have lost my touch. Maybe it is because I am not sure where we are going next and I figured since I have nothing going on in the TTC world- there was no point on updating my "infertility" blog.

You see, I am not sure how I feel about my infertility anymore. We have gone so long without doctor's appointments, and ovulation tests, and timed intercourse that my infertility - even having a baby- has become old news now; a thing of the past. It's turned into one of those "if it happens it happens" conversations. I find myself scheduling appointments for shoulder x-rays and chiropractor appointments now instead of weekly visits with the dildo cam. I can't remember the last time I "dropped my pants" at the doctor's office. I actually forgot my RE and OB's phone numbers; I can no longer recall them off memory and oddly that feels like victory.

My infertility has no longer been the forefront of our lives. Sure, I talk about it with others and I am still very passionate about bringing awareness to those who know little about it but, it is not something we are: saving for, planning for, or waiting on at this point. 

The entire time we have been together we have been focused on how to get my body to work properly and  then on how to get pregnant. Lately, we have decided to stop planning and aiming for a "goal" or a certain outcome; we've decided to just live for a while and see what happens- you never know.  

Our decision to stop treatment wasn't only because we didn't want to gamble away more money but because we just felt it was time to focus on something different. We did our time, we put forth great effort, and we understand that it will take a lot more money (we're hoping for a miracle) to get us pregnant and right now that just isn't where we want to spend it. I want to live and create a life with my husband. I want to have memories that fill me with joy and love and laughter. I don't want to look back at our life- or our debt, and see that it was spent searching, planning, and trying instead of living, breathing and exploring.

In retrospect, TTC was really hard on our marriage. I think I tried to see all the good in our relationship because I needed to focus on what was going to hold us together- but, in reality, infertility and trying to conceive took a toll on the relationship we had started out with. A real toll. 

My bitterness was easily shown and I got angry at the drop of a dime. Mike, bless his heart, did the best he could and expressed himself the way he knows how, but, to me that was never enough. I began to expect more from not only myself, my body, the doctors but my husband too. Some cycles were better than others but in the end- our intimate relationship took a beating and it is still trying to recover. Not only that- but we lost the ability to thoroughly communicate. Communication is HUGE in any relationship and it is the one thing that I believe can make or break a marriage. Our's was showing real signs of struggle and it was heartbreaking. 

I've thought long and hard about this blog and it's purpose, and I've concluded that it's to share my struggle with others. To show that even though things may not work out the way we want them too, I can still find happiness and joy in the life we do have. I want others to know that even though the emptiness will always be there in the shadows; it doesn't have to take over your life, or define you! YOU get to make that choice. Infertility has shown me just how much I have to be thankful for and it's taught me to see things through different perspectives. 

I hope that my story gives strength to others who are unable to see the light at the end of this tunnel.  My struggle has not ended the way we hoped- but my struggle has show me just how strong I really am; just how strong we really are. For that, I am grateful.

From this struggle; came strength. 

Now, time for a 2014 photo share........

My new car!

Some views in January

Worst game of the season- but I still love 'em!
( I love my Oregon Bronco hoodie, too)

Snow daze! We got 18-20 inches of snow in two days!

Painted Hills- John Day Fossil Bed National Monument 

Moments to Remember in 2013

Here are some fun photos of some great times in 2013- simply because I am too lazy to write a reflective post right now! 

Enjoy!

Adults Only Wine Tasting Weekend in Cottage Grove- January 2013

Easter with the family- March 2013

Backyard makeover- April 2013

Summer Trip- Southern California- June 2013

Lily's Luau- June 2013

Girls Night Out- Kali's Farewell- July 2013

First Camping Trip- July 2013

More camping trip- August 2013

Teagan leaves for college- August 2013

I got to meet Amber from Old Lady No Baby- August 2013

Meet Zeke- September 2013

Anniversary Coast trip- September 2013

2nd Annual White Elephant Christmas Party- December 2013

More party pictures...

and more.

The Office Holiday Party- December 2013

Zoie- Christmas Eve

Office reunion-  December 2013


I wish you all a safe and happy new year!
I hope that 2014 IS YOUR year!

Dear Timothy

Dear Timothy,

Happy birthday to my sweet brother; I'm sorry we've never been able to meet. Today would have been your 34th birthday. You were born two years before me yet you never took a breath.

You were mom and dad's first child together and mom carried you for nine months without a single complication. You know mom, she is professional mother, she had carried, and birthed a total of 7 children. She was a pro! Three days before she delivered you she went in for a check up and told the nurse that she hadn't felt you move in a couple days but that she figured you had just ran out of room since you were over-due. The nurse told her not to worry; that sometimes when the baby is ready to come they stop moving as much when they drop into the canal. However,  after the ultrasound mom knew something was wrong, she could tell by the nurses face. Your heart was no longer beating. You had died in mom's womb just days before.
 

The next day mom gave birth to you, naturally, in the hospital and you never made a sound. Even though the doctor told mom that when you came out you may not look "normal"; you may be blue, it didn't matter.  When the doctor asked if she wanted to see you, the answer was yes! She and dad held your body close as you lay silent in their arms, nothing short of perfect wearing one single scratch on your face that  Mom thinks was from the nurse helping you out.

You were buried later that day. Dad picked out your headstone as mom got ready to leave the hospital. You were honored with service and family prepared a luncheon for mom and dad afterwards. It was a sad day for sure. There were a lot of people who were looking forward to meeting you. You would have had six siblings at the time of your birth and a whole lot of aunts, uncles and cousins.

As a child, I remember visiting your grave several times. We used to go drop off flowers before we moved to Oregon and then when we would come back to California we always tried to make it by to say hello. Even as adult and even though I have never met you, it has always been important that I remember your story. You, Timmy, have a beautiful story. You are my brother.
 

Trish and I used to talk about what we thought you would be like. Would you look like dad; wear Wranglers and boots all the time like him? Would you be a protective big brother or one that thought his little sisters were annoying? Even though, Timmy, you were not physically our brother you have always been in our hearts, your memory has always been alive. You are a member of this family no matter the number of breaths you took; or didn't take.

I also know that if you were here, Trish may not be; I may not be. After you were born Mom and Dad tried again. They got pregnant with me and at my delivery I was pronounced  a "miracle". Apparently my umbilical cord was tied in a knot. After having two traumas in a row, Mom was over it. But, Dad wanted one more, his dream was to have and raise two children with Mom. I am glad they did. She is a great sister, you would be really proud of her; she is everything I hoped you would have been and more.

Timothy, you would be proud of your family. You would be really proud of your mom and your dad. After losing you mom could have lost it, but, she didn't. Mom says her faith is what helped her though; and dad. She said she remember days after you left she was staring out the window crying, missing you, and she saw her grandmother standing there, with you in her arms. Mom said that she knew at that moment that you were okay and that you were with someone who loved you; mom knew you were safe.

As I battle my way into motherhood, fighting my way through this thing called infertility, your story and mom's faith is something that grounds me. How can mom carry you for 9 months without a single complication and then just lose you? How would I ever be able to do that? I am not sure that I can. Mom is one of a kind; I swear.

 

I know you are up there watching over me. Dad has told me before that you may be my guardian angel- who knows. All I know it that out of all the people in this world I have known and lost, it's your presence I feel the most.

Timmy, I miss you. I wish I knew you, I wish I could see you; knew what you looked like.  I wish mom never had to say good-bye to you. I hope you know I love you. She loves you. He loves you.

Happy birthday, big brother.

Love,

Your Little Sister

"What nature delivers to us is never stale. Because what nature creates has eternity in it."

Hello, readers! I am sorry that I have been so absent on so many different levels. If you remember, I started a new job a few weeks back and I am just now getting used to the schedule. I've had to learn to manage my time all over again. Besides that, it is summer! With the amazing weather we have had, I've been spending most of my days outside.

I wish I could say that I am up to date on all the blogs and FB posts but, sadly I am not. I can't blame it all on the new job either. I think that since we have taken a break from aggressively TTC, I have neglected to read and comment on your blogs as consistently as I was. I hope that none of you take it personally and I hope that you know I am not doing it intentionally. I am always thinking you ladies and I am always praying for each one of you. I've just needed to re-group and focus on us for a little bit. I feel like that makes me seem like a poor multi-tasker and a bad friend. Ugh. I'm sorry.

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We just got back from a camping trip on the McKenzie River. I had Friday off, so Mike took it off as well. We loaded up and headed out around 9:30am. When we got to camp we set up and took off to the Tamolitch Pool, aka Blue Pool. It was a 2 mile hike through lava beds and rich, green forest. It was hot and Zoie was super dehydrated. About half way through the hike she almost fell over. I am not kidding. It scared the sh*t out of us. Finally, we got to the pool and it was the most bluest of blues. The pictures do not do it justice. 

Saturday, we drove up the historic highway about 10 miles to Proxy Falls. This time we went up a little earlier; in the cooler part of the day. The hike was easier and only a mile and half. I was not prepared for the waterfall I was about to encounter. I was in awe in it's beauty! The trail had trees that fell, covering the path, so we had to find out way through foliage, logs and the river, to an opening so that we could have a clear view. I could have stayed there all day!

Sunday, we packed up and headed out on one last hike. This time we stopped at Koosah Falls and Sahalie Falls. There is a 3 mile loop that takes you to both falls and back around. I have been to those falls several times and I never get used to their beauty; they are so big and powerful. We spread Mike's dad's ashes below the falls last year so it was nice to stop by and send our love to him.

While we were camping I spent many hours staring into the flowing river, staring up at the twinkling stars and into the flickering fire. I spent many hours reflecting on life; the past, the present and the future. I was reading Inconceivable and there were several things that were written in that book that sparked thoughts in my head. I had so many thoughts that I even wrote down a list of blog posts I want to write some day soon.

I am still in a very happy place. I am content with where we are. I am very much a peace and this weekend helped me to recognize that. I have seen a shift in my attitude and outlook and I plan to continue down this path.... for as long as I can.

On the TTC front (or lack there of) I am CD 34 and DPO 15; so we think.  I noticed that I have tender breasts and low back pain on the left side. I am having slight AF cramps but nothing too bad. I don't know why but, I seem to have a lot of EWCM after ovulation up until AF; or at least close to it and the ovary pains on the left side are still coming and going. Last month my cycle was 43 days... we shall see what happens.

For now...

"Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience" 

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Paradise Campground

Our  morning view

Blue Pool

One tired dog

She was pooped

Proxy Falls

Selfie

Sahalie Falls

McKenzie River

Koosah Falls

She's baaaaack!

It seems like forever since my last post! We just got back from our vacation in So Cal. We had so much fun even with the third wheel. Yep, that's right. AF showed up just as I was about the board the plane. No joke. I told Mike that I better go potty before we got on the plane because I won't use the one on the plane. As I wiped I was greeted with her blushed face. I guess she decided that a  42 day cycle was long enough and that she wanted to enjoy the beaches too.

We arrived in LA on Thursday morning, rented a car and drove to Vista to stay with Mike's grandparents. It has been a year and half since we have seen them and the visit was much needed. Grandpa has dementia and Grandma is in serious pain with her back. We spent 5 days with them and then we spent a couple nights with Mike's cousin. The trip was a perfect mix of family time as well as one on one time. 

We went into Oceanside a few times since it was only about 15 minutes from Grandma and Grandpa's house, then we drove down to San Diego, and to Palm Springs and then up to Anaheim to Disneyland (AF was gone by then)!! 

At first I was really scared to go to Disneyland since I am so scared of rides but it ended up being a blast! I wanted to ride the "scariest" rides over and over again! I loved Space Mountain and Splash Mountain...even though I did keep my eyes closed almost the entire time! We were sure beat after that; we got to Disneyland at 9:30am and we left at 12:30am. My feet paid the price for sure!

The weather was fantastic the whole time we were down there; a little really warm but, still fantastic! Meanwhile, in Oregon it rained the entire week we were gone. We definitely brought the warm, dry, weather back with us! This week it is in the 90's and by Tuesday it is suppose to get to 100! At least we are partly acclimated to it.

I am exhausted and I am so far behind on all of my blog reading; I have a lot of catching up to do!

I will leave you with some pictures of the trip-- everyone loves photos, right?

Mike's First Ever In-N-Out Burger

Family

Sunset  in Oceanside

Oceanside Pier

Oceanside Pier

My hubby smiling! He does that sometimes.

USS Midway- San Diego

San Diego- Bob Hope tribute

The Kissing Statue- San Diego

Miss Marilyn Monroe- Palm Springs

Laguna Beach

Beach Bums- Laguna Beach

Laguna Beach- Blue Steel

Toon Town- Disneyland

Disneyland

The Castle...

SO MUCH FUN!

Mike looks like he is pretending to yell- but he wasn't!