I'm Not Ready

As I was sitting there waiting for my mom and my sister to meet me for lunch yesterday this weird, yet, very calming feeling came over me. It was like my questions had been answered.

I'm not ready.

This is what my doubt was all about. It was the doubt inside myself that made me question my faith. 

I'm not ready. 

My body is not ready to be a womb for a baby. I'm over weight, my eating habits have been horrible, I don't exercise, and I worry too much. How can I expect my body to be home to baby when it's all out of sorts? I also know deep down that many people who are in much worse shape than myself get pregnant, easily. But, maybe that is not my path. Maybe I am to get myself healthy before I can be a healthy home to a growing child.

I am not ready. 

I need to heal inside. I need to bring my self back to my roots. I am not saying that by doing that I will be pregnant, but I might be happier. I want to find peace inside myself, peace with all my choices, my mistakes and my BFN's. I want to feel God's love. I want to believe in something; I want to trust in it. 
 

I am not ready.

IVF scares me. I am not ready to invest so much money into something that may not work. I am not ready to take that chance; and that makes me sad. I know that there is never a guarantee with any pregnancy, no matter how the pregnancy was achieved, so I understand the gamble doesn't start or end with IVF.

I am not ready.

I do not want to give up on the idea of IVF and the only reason I am not ready to go through with IVF is because, right now, we can't afford it. If money was not an issue, I would do IVF over and over again until we got pregnant or until recommended otherwise. It hurts; knowing that we have a good chance of getting pregnant with IVF, but realizing that we can't because cost stands in the way.

He is not ready. 

I would go into any amount of debt to try and have a child but my DH is not. I can't just think about my wants in moments like this. We are bringing our child into this world, we need to agree. I am not ready to cause a crater between myself and my DH just because money means nothing to me. That is not fair, nor is it right. We are a team. I am not ready to jeopardize that.

I am not ready.

I know that no matter what problems I have, we do have a chance to get pregnant. Pregnancy is a miracle and miracles happen every day. So, just because we can't afford all the treatments in the world, we can still try. We can do what we can do when we can do it. I am not ready to quit. Whether it be naturally or with a little help of ART we will continue to try for our little bundle. I am not ready to give up.  

I am not ready.

I realized that I am hurting inside because I doubt my faith so much. I feel so bad about that. I feel like I let my parents down when I question God. I want to believe, I want to know he has a great plan for  me, but it hurts to put all my faith into something that I haven't be able to trust. Yet, after typing that I wonder if it wasn't him that "saved" me all those times in my past. Maybe I have been able to trust all along, but was too blind to see it.

While I am ready to give some of my worry, stress, fear and heartbreak over to him, I am not ready to give it all. Yet.

I used to think...

Well it's 2013 and I am still consumed with thoughts surrounding my infertility. Everyone keeps telling me that it will happen when I just give up trying and give it to God. Those people don't know me very well. I am a control freak; a spoiled brat. I want what I want when I want it!!! I used to think that if I wanted something and tried really hard to achieve it, if I thought about it all the time that I eventually would change it. Infertility has taught me that's not the case. This is one of those things that I have no control over. I need to learn to accept the fact that I will have a hard time getting pregnant, but that doesn't mean I won't get pregnant! Right?

I used to think that I wanted to jump right into IVF, since I failed at: Clomid, Femara, injections, IUI's and acupuncture treatments.But, this year already has me changing my mind. My husband and I made a decision at the beginning of this journey that we would NOT put ourselves so far into debt that we were miserable. But let me tell ya, if he wasn't so conscientious about money, I would have no problem spending my last penny in order to TRY and conceive. I want what I want when I want it, remember. It is a good thing he keeps me in check. I am grateful to have him and his smart financial sense.

I used to think  that I would never get pregnant without IVF, or fertility treatments.But now I am wondering if maybe, just maybe, with enough effort, and time, I could!? I know of a few people who tried and tried for 7-8 years to get pregnant. Some had insurance and a diagnosis; other's didn't. Some tried fertility treatments, others didn't. But, they ALL did conceive, eventually, one way or another.When it comes to conceiving there is never a guarantee; that is why children are so precious, they are the biggest gift God can give. For now, he gave me fur babies. Two very annoying dogs that we love to pieces. I used to think that getting pregnant was easy. Pfff, If I only I knew then what I know now.  

I used to think that not having a period was cool. Now, I get so upset if its longer that it is suppose to be. So, I thought birth control was the way to go when we took a break from treatments. Now, I want off it. IF there is a chance I could conceive I think it is silly to be on birth control pills! Since we are not doing IVF this year, I think we need to try on our own. It can't hurt, right?

"This year I will be stronger, braver, kinder. This year I will be fierce."