I put my head in my hands and bawled. I held my face and asked God "Why? Why can't I feel that joy? Why don't you think I deserve to be a mother?"
I am not sure if it's related to my hormones, the lack of babies in the house, or the post holiday blues, but something is getting to me.
I was browsing Facebook this morning and I saw that a friend of mine had her baby boy right before Christmas. She started trying long after us. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for her, but there is a bit of anger that fills my body and soul and it is not directed at her personally, but it is there. I seem to experience it any time someone is able to conceive so easily.
You can see the love and excitement on her and her husband's faces when they look at that beautiful newborn baby; an excitement and love that I am ready to experience. But, it is not happening, and, unfortunately, I don't think it will happen anytime soon.
Our circumstances have changed just these past few weeks. I had to have a tooth pulled, and I will need to get an implant. Since dental insurance sucks, we have to pay a large portion of that out of pocket. Unfortunately, that means we have to dip into our "fertility bank". So, we are going to have to postpone the IVF we had planned to do this Spring/Summer. That decision was a hard one to make, but we just can't bring ourselves to get to far into debt. So, first things first.
Maybe I am blue because of that decision as well. It's hard to have to put a major dream on hold. A dream you have worked so hard to achieve. For now though, I will continue to stay on the birth control. I do notice that my moods seem to be a little more "predictable" now that my cycles are exactly 28 days, for the first time in my life!! So I guess that is some goos news. It is even fun to have a little "ohhh la la" time with my husband without any pressure; just pure fun! I think he enjoys it too.
I wonder sometimes if I should consult the doctor about doing another round of injections, since the IVF is on hold. We can afford that right now. But then IVF would have to wait until next year.... I think I just feel like I need to be doing something! My husband keeps trying to remind me that we are doing something and sometimes that means taking a long road with a few detours. I love how he keeps me sane and tries to keep me upbeat and positive. He is my light in this darkness, for sure!
From here on out I need to remember that even though others have an easier time conceiving, there is a chance that we WILL be parents one day. Where there is a will, there is a way.