Tuesday, July 23, 2013

"What nature delivers to us is never stale. Because what nature creates has eternity in it."

Hello, readers! I am sorry that I have been so absent on so many different levels. If you remember, I started a new job a few weeks back and I am just now getting used to the schedule. I've had to learn to manage my time all over again. Besides that, it is summer! With the amazing weather we have had, I've been spending most of my days outside.

I wish I could say that I am up to date on all the blogs and FB posts but, sadly I am not. I can't blame it all on the new job either. I think that since we have taken a break from aggressively TTC, I have neglected to read and comment on your blogs as consistently as I was. I hope that none of you take it personally and I hope that you know I am not doing it intentionally. I am always thinking you ladies and I am always praying for each one of you. I've just needed to re-group and focus on us for a little bit. I feel like that makes me seem like a poor multi-tasker and a bad friend. Ugh. I'm sorry.


We just got back from a camping trip on the McKenzie River. I had Friday off, so Mike took it off as well. We loaded up and headed out around 9:30am. When we got to camp we set up and took off to the Tamolitch Pool, aka Blue Pool. It was a 2 mile hike through lava beds and rich, green forest. It was hot and Zoie was super dehydrated. About half way through the hike she almost fell over. I am not kidding. It scared the sh*t out of us. Finally, we got to the pool and it was the most bluest of blues. The pictures do not do it justice. 

Saturday, we drove up the historic highway about 10 miles to Proxy Falls. This time we went up a little earlier; in the cooler part of the day. The hike was easier and only a mile and half. I was not prepared for the waterfall I was about to encounter. I was in awe in it's beauty! The trail had trees that fell, covering the path, so we had to find out way through foliage, logs and the river, to an opening so that we could have a clear view. I could have stayed there all day!

Sunday, we packed up and headed out on one last hike. This time we stopped at Koosah Falls and Sahalie Falls. There is a 3 mile loop that takes you to both falls and back around. I have been to those falls several times and I never get used to their beauty; they are so big and powerful. We spread Mike's dad's ashes below the falls last year so it was nice to stop by and send our love to him.

While we were camping I spent many hours staring into the flowing river, staring up at the twinkling stars and into the flickering fire. I spent many hours reflecting on life; the past, the present and the future. I was reading Inconceivable and there were several things that were written in that book that sparked thoughts in my head. I had so many thoughts that I even wrote down a list of blog posts I want to write some day soon.

I am still in a very happy place. I am content with where we are. I am very much a peace and this weekend helped me to recognize that. I have seen a shift in my attitude and outlook and I plan to continue down this path.... for as long as I can.

On the TTC front (or lack there of) I am CD 34 and DPO 15; so we think.  I noticed that I have tender breasts and low back pain on the left side. I am having slight AF cramps but nothing too bad. I don't know why but, I seem to have a lot of EWCM after ovulation up until AF; or at least close to it and the ovary pains on the left side are still coming and going. Last month my cycle was 43 days... we shall see what happens.

For now...
"Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience" 
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Paradise Campground

Our  morning view

Blue Pool

One tired dog

She was pooped

Proxy Falls


Sahalie Falls

McKenzie River

Koosah Falls

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Better To Be Too Soon Than Never At All (In My Opinion)

I've been trying to get pregnant for close to four years now. Two of those years have been spent pursuing multiple fertility treatments that only resulted in multiple BFN's. We have written several checks to doctors for procedures, volunteered numerous amounts of bodily fluids to the lab for testing, spent too much time scheduling sex, and wasted to many words on arguments in search of a BFP. We have begged and pleaded, prayed and mediated. We have dreamed of the day we would be able to announce that there would finally be a Baby Findley on the way!

Recently, a very dear friend, and well known blogger, Risa, lost her baby in an early miscarriage. She was four weeks along and extremely excited. For those of you who don't know her whole story, let me just say that she has been through numerous fertility treatments and after her first IVF, she got her one and only BFP. At four weeks, my dear friend lost her baby.

Some one in her real life told her she announced the pregnancy "too soon". It made me think....

Mike and I have talked about that dreamed of BFP and the announcement many times . We have asked the question "When will we make the big announcement?".  Mike knew right away that I would not be able to keep it a secret. I knew that Mike would want to wait. It was a great discussion for us; and now that time has passed. and more and more people become aware of our story; we know we wouldn't want to keep it a secret. We know we would be too excited to hold such exciting news hostage until we were "in the clear".

I wouldn't be able to keep it to myself for three reasons. Number One: who doesn't love celebrating a victory? Getting pregnant after infertility is a huge, huge, huge, thing! I would want to share that with everyone. To me, getting pregnant after infertility is the same as beating cancer. Number two: every pregnancy means a child is growing and because we have no idea how long we have with that child we need to celebrate its life! It doesn't matter how far along you are: 4 weeks, 12 weeks, 15 weeks, 24 weeks, 39 weeks; if a pregnancy is ending a baby is dying. Number three: guarantees are few and far between in life and they are basically non-existent in pregnancy and infertility. I would want to embrace my pregnancy and share it with the ones I love because you never know what will happen. You don't know if the pregnancy will last, you don't know if the baby will survive, you don't know if that will be your last pregnancy.

Some people think that it is better to wait until you are out of the first trimester before telling friends and family the news that you are expecting.  I understand that some most people or more reserved than I am. What I don't understand is how the news of a miscarriage is any more or less important or devastating at one stage or another. Do people keep early miscarriages a secret? Pretend they never happened? Deal with them later? I understand that women who have experienced losses would be more reserved and cautious about announcing the pregnancy; but for someone who has never had a BFP before, I don't understand why it is "too soon" to tell your loved ones that your dream finally came true; no matter how far along you are.

I am not saying that I think women should announce to the entire world that she is pregnant as soon as the test revels that long awaited second line. I am saying that I don't think it is "too soon" to share the news with the ones you love the most as soon as you know you are pregnant.

My friend lost her baby at 4 weeks, my sister lost her baby at 15 weeks, my mom lost her baby at full term. I don't know what difference it makes when the announcement of the pregnancy was made;  if it is going to end, it is going to end. Don't go on living one day, while being pregnant, without celebrating it, and the child growing, for all its amazing glory!

Kudos to you Risa, for embracing your pregnancy, for loving and celebrating your angel baby. I admire you. I will always remember your BFP and your baby. Thank you for letting me celebrate it with you; no matter how short it was.

Friday, July 12, 2013

I write this post with a heavy heart. Today, my dear friend, fellow infertile, and blogger, found out that she is having an early miscarriage; a miscarriage after her first IVF and FIRST ever BFP after years of trying. Risa lost her baby today. My heart hurts, my stomach is in knots and I am devastated. I wish there was a magic way to make this all go away. 

I am really at a  loss for words.

Risa, I am so sorry. So, so, so, sorry. Please know that I am thinking of you and that I am sending you many hugs and a lot of prayers.

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Sunday, July 7, 2013

Worth The Double Post (If You Ask Me)

I was sitting in my chair working on my "guest blog post" for Aislinn, over at Baby Makin', when I had this strong knot in my left ovary. I jumped up and POAS. Sure enough... it's CD 18, and my bodies cues' were right on target. I have a positive OPK!

At first I started to wish I had FR OPKs, and that I had kept my urine to test again but, then I decided to go with it... no stress. Besides, I bought these digitals so that I didn't have to do the guess work. It is what it is; and today, it's positive!

Even though my cycles are still a tad bit off; they are a ton better than what they used to be. I did have a long cycle last month but ovulation did occur and luteal phase was great. To see ovulation occurring again, in such a timely fashion, is such a great achievement! 

If I have eggs, and he has sperm, there is no reason why we shouldn't try for a miracle.
7/7/13, 3:45pm, CD 18

It's Working!

I want to start off by thanking all of you for the wonderful comments you left on my last post. You sure know how to make a girl feel good and confident in her decision! So, thank you!!

I am still not testing or monitoring my cycle; although, I have thought about it daily. Today is CD 18 and I am have been having my normal 'pre-ovulation' symptoms. I tend to get this sharp, "side ache" like feeling, a week or two prior to ovulation, as well a low back pain; those symptoms started a couple days ago. I also have been experiencing an increase of cervical mucus. My body is telling me that ovulation should be coming. I say "should" because with my body and my PCOS, you never know if or when it will happen. I am a tricky one.

Mike is working nights for the next few days so I am tempted to just let this whole cycle go with out trying to catch ovulation. I want to stick to the mode we have been in since vacation. However, I want to know if in fact I do ovulate and I would love to catch the surge so I can compare to the last natural cycle. Because I am in such a comfortable place right now I truly believe I can do it without stressing or causing stress.

Friday I went over to visit my sister and drop off an anniversary gift for them as well as to meet her friend that she introduced me to via Facebook when I was first diagnosed with PCOS, over a year ago. Jen also has PCOS and had to resort to a RE to help conceive her two beautiful children. She was helpful in offering advice and she did her best to keep my spirit up when I wanted to quit. She has been great. So, of course I had to meet her in person and the two miracle babies!

Normally I tend to shy away from children; you would think that I would drool over every baby I see, since I want one of my own so badly but, I don't. I tend to smile and admire them from afar and look away before my eyes well up with tears, before my heart starts to aches, before my mind reminds me that I am childless. When I walked into the house, Jen's baby girl came right up to me, stretched out her arms and said "up". Of course, I couldn't say no to her; she looked like the perfect little doll! She was so small and round and had beautiful, long, brown hair; she was so cute! Without thinking, I picked her up and my heart immediately filled with joy! Holding her was great; it felt natural and healing.

When I left my sister's house I didn't sulk in private over the fact that we don't have kids, that I don't get to see Mike playing air hockey with his little girl, that I don't get to pick up my baby everyday. I left and went about my day. I went fishing with my other sister and her husband and I didn't think about my infertility, this blog, or my cycle. I was free of the burden of infertility for just a moment in time. It felt good. I felt present.

Then, the other day, something hit me. I realized that when I heard the news of women's BFP; in real life or in the infertility world, I would get so sad, angry, frustrated and jealous but, mostly I just got sad. Sad, because I feared that I was going to be left behind. I feared that while all my friends are having kids; or close to being done having kids, while other's, who have been on this infertility roller coaster with me are graduating into mommytobehood, I would still be here, competing against my own body in order to conceive. 

After I  recognized the true emotion I was able to remind myself of the things I learned while on vacation; I reminded myself that I have a great life full of love, compassion, support and trust. A life full of wonderful people and the chance to experience great things with them and through them. No matter what happens in our journey, no matter how many friends move on the be parents, no matter how long it takes us to have kids; or to accept the fact that we won't, no matter what, I reminded myself that we do have each other and a love strong enough to conquer anything.  Some people don't even have that.

Today as I read though blogs and status updates announcing pregnancies I felt such happiness and excitement for those women. My heart was warm and my stomach was filled with butterflies instead of tied in knots. My thoughts drifted to a positive place, a place full of good thoughts. I tried to imagine what it must feel like to be pregnant, to see the BFP for the first time, to be able to share with the others that your time has finally come! I was able to smile at the thought of it and it made me even more excited for those women who are where I want to be. My fear of  being left behind wasn't there nor was my jealousy or anger. All I felt was excitement for them. 

I started to wonder if being away from the doctor's office, out of the lab, and unaware of the numbers, helped get me to this calmer place. When we are actively trying to conceive our minds are even more consumed with infertility. Every monitored cycle I was on I would worry about numbers: were they right? Were they high enough? Did we mess up the timing? Is this going to be the cycle? Every day of a monitored cycle, we are planning the next steps; focusing on what could go right and what could go wrong.

Lately, it seems like our infertility is the last thing we consume our thoughts with. Of course, we still talk about having a family and what it would be like to finally get pregnant, however, we don't stress about it  and we remind ourselves how easy life is at the moment and that we better not take it for granted!

I said once before: I can either be infertile and miserable or infertile and happy. I'm choosing the latter. But, with infertility things things can always change, so I want to be clear:  I am not saying life will always be peaches n cream from here on out; I am sure there will be plenty of moments where I lose all hope, but the fact of the matter is, right now I am embracing this positive change in perspective.