Friday, October 25, 2013

More Sunshine

Teresa over at Not Pregnant and Pissed, whom I totally adore, nominated me for the Sunshine Award. I wanted to answer her questions.

1)  What is your fantasy job/career? I would love to have the ability to write so well that I could get paid for it! I would be a travel writer. No, I would love to be an advocate for something I am passionate about; domestic violence, drug addiction, and infertility. I would  love to make a change in the live of those people who suffer from the above.

2)  If you could change into any animal for 24 hrs what animal would you be and why? My dog. Because I think  I am a good care taker and I think I am a good "mother",  and I want to see if I am through her eyes. I want to see if she thinks we are as great as we think are. I want to see what her love feels like because she has been so loyal and seems to love so unconditionally.  And I want to know why the heck she has to sleep sideways on our feet every night; what is so comfortable about that?

3)  If you could take your significant other's personality and put it in the body of a famous person who would it be? Gerard Butler. Yum. Mike knows it too.

4)  What is your favorite TV show? Parenthood. Hands down. I am guaranteed to laugh and cry during every episode.

5)  If you could chose the gender of your baby what would it be?  And don't say "it doesn't matter as long as it's healthy."  Pretend you are going to the baby store and you get to pick from the girl  shelf or the boy shelf. Boy. I have always wanted a boy first. William "Liam" James Findley. Mike won't let me name him Baize. *inset pouty face here*

6)  Tell me a secret.  About anything. I agree with Bob Marley that “Herb is the healing of a nation, alcohol is the destruction.” Legalize it.

7)  If you could become a character in your favorite book what book would you choose and what character would you become? Yikes, most of my favorite books are non-fiction books about murder, addiction or something crazy! I don't think I would want to be any of those people. I am going to have to go with Katniss from The Hunger Games. She is bad-ass with a bow- and could totally kick  Bella's ass!

8)  You win 10 million dollars...what do you do with the money? Pay off our debt. Try for a baby (duh). Take a trip (I have never been out of the country). Build a home on a piece of property. Donate. Invest. Save. Splurge.

9)  What is the one thing you want for xmas this year?  You can't say a BFP or a baby, that goes  without saying. Anew computer. I have been asking for one for years. I really should ask for new floors in the house. I hate our carpet!

10)  The mountains, the desert or the beach?  For the rest of your life? I would love to live on the beach but I sure love the mountains. I think we live in the perfect spot. We are smack dab in middle of it. We live in the high desert. We have the mountains, the dry lands, and the beach is 3 hours away! Winning! ;-) 

Thanks for the great questions! That was fun. 

Prayers for Holly, Darren, Brinly, and Jude


Where Am I?

I feel like I have been avoiding my blog. It has been hard to write. I have things to say but I don't know how to say them. I don't know how to say them because I am not really sure how I am felling.

The last time I really wrote a heart felt post was when I released the bitch from my head over a month ago. I am not sure if the pain of feeling broken in a room full of pregnant women and newborn babies was enough to make me go numb or if it was the start of a new form of healing and transformations.

I haven't really thought about where I am at right now; I am not sure what I want to do next. I have always been a pretty impulsive person and that is what I am trying not to do. Right now I am just trying to live in the moment, take each day as it comes and cherish it.

My last cycle was 73 days long! I thought about calling the doctor and having him refill my BCP so that my cycle will stay at 28 days since we are not going to fork out any more money at this point on fertility treatments but,  I am working really hard at losing weight (203 down to 175) and those damn pills only add the weight on so I wasn't about to add number to the scale as well!

The crap thing is that I got a positive OPK on CD 16 (August 22) and then again on CD 42 (September 17) I got 2 positive OPKs and 2 negative OPKs using the same urine. WTF!? UGH. We didn't even worry about bd'ing too much to be totally honest. I mean, how freaking reliable is that?

On cycle day 57 I started feeing nauseas and sorta thought, maybe?
You know me though, I won't test.  Sure enough, three days after I call the RE to see what to do... on the evening of CD 72 AF started knocking lightly at the door and by the morning of CD 73 she had arrived! Cancel the lab order; cancel the meds.

Today is CD 8 and I am not even thinking about when or if I will try the OPKs this month. Right now, I am over it.  I am over the confusion, the expectation, the let down, the heartache, the frustration. I am over it all. Of course, I think about it or I wouldn't be here, in front of my computer, writing about it.

In my life I have faced many struggles, sadly, a few of those struggles were self induced, others were not. Regardless, each struggle has transformed me into who I am today and each struggle I face continues to shape me. Infertility has proven to be another beautiful, painful, struggle. A struggle that may not end the way we hoped; but one that has helped make me a better person, for sure.

Two years ago I saw my infertility as a curse. Today, I see my infertility is a gift. I have been able to help other women through their journey with my words, and I was able to share the transformation that infertility caused in my life through my blog.

As I told a dear friend last night; there may come a time when my life and my blog shift themes; a time when my focus is no longer on infertility but rather on the beauty surrounding my life but, no matter what, I will always remember the women who helped me though this journey and I will always be here for you. I hope that one day all of you get your BFP -or-  find the peace that I have been able to find (on most days).

The trick? One day at a time.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

For you. For them. For always.

Today, October 15th, is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. 
Even though I have not experienced a pregnancy or a loss - all of those who have; including my mother, my sister, my friends and my family, have my deepest sympathy. Your angel children will forever hold a place in my heart and in my world. 
Today is for you. 
The candle in my window is for you.

 For Timmy, For Adam, For Bob, For Maggie, For Circle, 
For them.....