Whatever It Is...

Where do I even start? Even though it has only been 2 weeks since my last post, it feels like forever since I've shared my thoughts with the keyboard so, I am going to warn you now that this post will most likely be all over the place and maybe even a little contradictory at times. 

Let me start by saying that work is going great! I absolutely LOVE it! I have caught onto the dental terminology and the office procedures pretty quickly. The staff has been more than great. Each one of them have told me how great I am doing; which feels pretty awesome! I should also mention that the hours are pretty kick ass. I get alternating 3 and 4 day weekends and I am off by 4 pm! And, I also just got my first bonus check! I can't complain about one darn thing when it comes to work. I feel very blessed and fortunate to work for such a generous doctor and with such fun ladies. This job was definitely worth the wait.

Last weekend we went camping, again. We headed for a campground in the Mt. Hood National Forest but that didn't fair out so well. Every single campground was full. Not. Kidding. I was pissed. We drove for 4 hours before we decided that we would just turn around and head home. On the way back we happened to find a pretty sweet spot off the side of the road so we decided to set up camp. I never knew that it was free to camp along the road in the forest! Luckily we found a spot where we could pull off the road into the campsite. It was super peaceful and private. Mike caught a few fish, I was able to finish a book, and Zoie got her first tick. Eeeek! 

Our own private campground

A view from the river

Mike fly fishing

My first time chopping wood

I was really worried that AF was going to show up while we were in the woods without a bathroom. But, she never did make her appearance, thank goodness! I wouldn't have enjoyed the trip much if she did. I'll confess that I even took a HPT when we got back since it was nearly 2 weeks since I took the last one. I thought "maybe, juuuust maybe...". Of course, the test was negative and my period started the next day. I swear it happens every time!

It was a horrible period. I had terrible cramps the first two days and it was heavy. I hate it when my cycle goes that long; 48 days long... the periods are NEVER fun at that point. Today is CD 5 and I am still spotting. UGH!

I wish I could say that I was excited to start on a new cycle; I'm not. I don't really care, to be honest. I am not sure if I am ready to accept a child-free life or if I am trying to convince myself that I am suppose to live this life child-free. 

I know that I have said that I am content and happy with the life we have and that I am ready to live instead of wait. Even though I do believe that I am happier, I am not sure that I am as content as I say. I wonder if I am "faking it until I make it". I wonder if I am trying to convince myself that I am not meant to be a mother because it is not happening as easily as it should.

I am trying to find the difference between acceptance and convincing. No one can tell me how, when, where, if, I will ever get pregnant. No one can tell me that I will one day have a family. No one can guarantee that sort of thing. So, should I start entertaining the idea of a life lived forever without children? I'd prefer to entertain the idea that we can live our life child-free with the hopes that one day we will be parents. 

Recently, I was pondering the life without children. I was thinking about all the times that we are able to pick up and leave without reserve. I thought about all the times we are able to plan a vacation that revolves only around us, I thought about the lack of clutter and noise we have, I thought about all the extra things we get to buy ourselves and all the fancy dinners we get to enjoy with out having to track down a babysitter. I thought about all the things we get to do and all the things we will be able to do if we chose to live a life child-free.

Then I started thinking about all the things we would be missing out on. We would never hear the words "I love you mommy, I love you daddy", we would never feel the tiny arms holding us tight, we would never get to experience sleepless nights, we would never see firsts steps taken, never hear firsts words spoken. I thought about the things we will never experience if we chose to live a child-free life.

After imagining my life both ways- neither seemed to be the "perfect life". One path didn't have all the answers. Each path would be giving up something in order to gain something. 

I read an article in Time Magazine that talked about living the child-free life and it made me think about a couple that they featured who were faced with the reality that life would be lived with out children. Instead of letting that reality destroy them, they chose to grieve the life they didn't have. She put a pink tutu in a box and he put in a "geek article". They keep the box close and always remember the child they wished they had- on the other hand, they would have grieved the life they have now; had they had children. You see, it just goes to show that we must give to receive.

As of this moment, I am not sure I am meant to be a mother. Honestly, it is because I do love my life the way it is at the moment and because I am not ready to invest nearly $20,000 into IVF so that we can TRY another way to get pregnant. I can't put us that far into debt for only the hope of it working. I know that sometimes it takes hard work, money, science, and a whole lot of patience, and hope to get pregnant but, right now I don't have it. I don't have that sort of commitment or desperation to conceive. I admire and envy those women who were; and are, determined enough to do whatever they can; at any cost, to have their family. I just can't. I'm not there yet. Maybe I am not ready to be a mother?

I am just not sure it is what I am suppose to do. If it was, why am I so torn?  I started thinking that sometimes somethings just aren't meant to be- no matter how hard I try; no matter how bad I want it; if it isn't going to happen- it isn't, and I usually have a gut feeling as to which way it is going to go. My battle with infertility is reminding me a lot of an abusive relationship. It is a constant ride of emotional highs and lows, some one is always hurt and let down but they continue to go back for more... with hopes that the next time will be different. I know this- because I was there once. Why should I think that the next big treatment is going to be the one?

Normally, I am not one to believe in God's will... but you know what? I do believe in Him and I do think my life has a purposeful path and even though it may not be the path I want right now, I want to believe it is the path I was meant to navigate. I also want to believe that when the time is right- I will conceive and if that day never comes I want to believe I will know why someday. Some how.

Am I accepting this current reality? Am I convincing myself  that this is what my life was destined to be? Am I in denial? Am I trying to find ways to dull the pain? Who knows.... all I know is that is feels good not to be in a fight with myself, Mike, or God. So, whatever it is I am doing... I hope I continue doing it because right now it is making me feel less defeated and more empowered.

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.

Maya Angelou

 

All I Needed To Know I Learned on Vacation

While we were away on vacation I really "fell off the wagon". I took the advice of many and just relaxed and put TTC out of my mind. The entire week I was away I didn't chart my temps, I didn't take my meds and I didn't bother bringing OPKs with me. 

I am grateful that AF showed up when she did. Not only was my luteal phase right on; we were also able to really enjoy the time we had together. In the past we always seemed to be headed out of town near ovulation and I used to think that was the perfect time to "get it on", but now I am not too sure. This past week we were able to focus on us and the fun things we wanted to do with out the stress of TI.  Our vacation was a success and we were able to enjoy each other in an intimate fashion without any pressure,  just pure desire. It was the best sex we have had in a long time; we will both agree to that.

Now that we are home I have been contemplating whether or not I want to chart religiously, if I want to obsess over OPKs, if I want to force TI. I know that I have a hard time letting go of things; including things I never had control over in the first place. I have been so free of  worry and frustration this week but, I am not sure that feeling will stick around. I am about 5 days away from the time I should start testing for ovulation; Mike asked if I needed to get some tests while we were at the store the other day, instead of saying yes, I ponder the thought for a minute and said "No" and bolted out of the aisle before I could change my mind. I am not sure what I want to do.

A big part of me knows deep down that it will take a lot more than a positive OPK and perfect TI for us to conceive but, there is a small part of me that believes in miracles. The bigger part also tells me that since it will take a lot more that the norm, we should just stop worrying about it so much and just live. The small part of me says to do what I can until we are ready for IVF and Mike seems to be on board with that. He figures we can try and hope for the best. I keep telling myself that monitoring my cycles with BBT and OPKs will help me understand them better but, I have been doing that for 25 cycles now and I am still just as confused as ever and I am still not pregnant. There is always a dilemma with infertility, I swear!

This week also made me realize that I am married to a fantastic man who deals with my ups and downs with extreme patience and to a man who sees my pain before I feel it or express it. We spent some time talking about our life; the past, the present and the future. Even though we are no where close to "giving up" we are learning to accept the fact that we may never have children. Our life may be just what it is and we are okay with that, as long as we have one another.

If we never have children, I won't feel like my life isn't all that I want it to be. Today, my life is exactly what it is suppose to be; I am exactly where I need to be. I am sure seeing baby bumps will continue to hurt and I'm sure that I will still feel a sort of emptiness when I see a family of 3 (or more).  I am sure that I will still feel robbed as I hear the news of other's BFP but, I know that those feelings don't mean that I am unhappy or that I feel as though my life it not what I want it to be. It just means that the love we have for our unborn child will never go away nor will our desire to be parents.  I also know that the feelings of anger, bitterness, or envy, does not make me a bad person nor does it mean that I am insensitive or unhappy for others. It just means that I have a desire for a child and motherhood that runs deep.

This vacation also made me realize that it is okay to notice the freedom we have without children. I know that we spend so much of our time trying to figure out how to have kids that we don't spend enough time enjoying the alone time we have right now. It is okay to notice and appreciate how easy it is for us to do things with out children. It is okay to appreciate the peace and quite that we have. Being grateful for such things doesn't mean that we shouldn't have kids. Often times, I feel like because I want to be a mom and raise a child with my husband that I need to love all things about all kids all the time. That is not true. Right now I am a wife and I want to be able to focus on that while keeping hope that one day we will be parents.

I used to think that we were not ready to be parents. I thought that if we were not willing to put forth all of our energy, money and time, that we didn't want to be parents bad enough. I am sure there are people out there that probably do think that. However, I don't. My dream to be a mother will not die but, it will no longer take over my life. I have a wonderful family, a loving husband and a great dog, who at this time takes the place of a child. Those people deserve my attention and happiness, too; those people need me to be happy and present.

This ride we have been on has brought us closer to one another and it has taught us understanding. Infertility can either break or make a marriage and it is safe to say that while infertility might rob us of our dream to be parents but it won't rob us of the love we have for one another. Our love and commitment to each other is stronger than infertility.

There will come a day when I am back at the doctor's office, being poked and prodded too often, so for now I want to take some time to focus on the things and people I do have in my life. I want to leave the stress and worry at the door for a while. Does that mean I don't want to try? No. Does that mean we don't want to be parents bad enough? Hell no. 

For now, I will take it day by day. I am not sure how committed I will be to "trying" or monitoring, or not trying or not monitoring but, I will be committed to being happy and present. For a little while, at least.

Ready. Set. Sit It Out.

Yesterday I would have started my 7th round of Femara but instead we are on sort of a break. It is sort of bittersweet for me. I know we need this break for many reasons but trying without the help of western medicine seems weird. Instead, we are going to continue to try naturally. That is, if I even ovulate or have a period again. Every time we stop treatments, including birth control, my cycles go haywire. My cycles go from 30 days to sometimes 53 days (or longer)! It is ridiculous! Then, when I call the RE with concern, they request a P4 check and it always shows some sort of ovulation, so I am forced to continue to wait it out. As if I haven't waited long enough! I swear, it is Murphy's law. Stupid Murphy.

I don't even know what cycle to call this now. Do I count from the time we started "trying" or from the time we met with the RE? Either way we are looking at over three years and four months of negative cycles. That seriously blows! Who knew that I should have won the "least likely to be a mom" award? Growing up, some parents thought I was a bad influence on their girls. I was a little boy crazy, and maybe a little sneaky, so they all thought I was going to end up pregnant at 16. HA! Little did they know that I wouldn't even be able to get pregnant at 31! If they only knew then, what I know now, I might have been able to continue some friendships; that is a whole different subject.

So, here we are, about to take on infertility by ourselves.  I know that it is pretty unlikely that we will achieve pregnancy with out the help of our doctors, but, stranger things have happened. To be honest, I am looking forward to a normal, spontaneous, sex life with my man. I mean, semi spontaneous. I will still use OPKs and I will continue to temp; because I am neurotic like that, but I have a feeling it will be more enjoyable knowing that we are not "invested" in it financially. These next cycles will be inspired by pure, raw, emotion, and desire; something I hope we still have!

We leave for Southern California in one month and I am so excited! A week of doing nothing but hanging out, lounging on the beach, eating, drinking, and whatever the heck else we want to do, sounds like a freaking great time, a much needed time! Mike deserves a break. He works so hard to give us all the things we want and need. He deserves more than just a week off. It is not enough, but it will have to do.

I hope that you don’t leave me while we take a break from fertility treatments. I promise that not all of my posts will be “life posts”. I will continue to write about my infertility journey, I will continue to purge my thoughts regarding this bitch of a battle, because we all know that our minds are consumed with IF, all day, every day, no matter where we are in the journey on the roller coaster. What you won't get from me are posts updating you with lab results, or ultrasounds or doctor's visits, but, I will post my OPKs! I need you to be just as confused with them as I am! Misery does love company!  

The "Plan" Goes Down in Flames

I have been dreading this post. Only because I was embarrassed. Embarrassed to update you, in fear of looking like an emotional basket case who can't get things in order. Sounds silly, right? Right. I realize that life happens and that's something I can't control, therefore, I should not be embarrassed to tell you that after I posted Last Night things immediately changed. 

Literally, the day after we had a plan, I got a call with the estimate for my upcoming surgery. It is going to cost us a few (five) thousand dollars (or more). We had strategically planned out the events for the upcoming cycles based on what we had left in our HRA fund and on our "fertility" card.  We had just enough to get us through a few unmonitored cycles paired with IUIs until the HRA was reset in August. That is no longer the case. The surgery center, unlike the hospital, requires that you pay your estimated portion upon arrival or sign up for Care Credit. Since we don't want to accumulate more credit/debt, we have to sacrifice fertility treatments until this fall.

At first, I was really upset. I wasn't mad, as much as I was disappointed; but after about twenty minutes I was fine. I realized that for the past 3 years I have been racing to get pregnant and maybe these road blocks are signs that I need to slow down, "relax" and focus on something else. As much as I hate hearing "you have time", it is true. We have some time. 

I used to think that if we didn't try cycle after cycle after cycle that we would ruin our chances and now I understand that is not the case. I actually ovulate better after rest cycles. We have spent the last year and a half fighting to get pregnant instead of enjoying our newlywedness (I made that word up!). Maybe this is the time for us to slow down, back off, "relax", and just be married and in love, or maybe I am just trying to convince myself of that. Either way, it sounds good. ;-)

If I was getting BFP's then I might consider trying and trying and trying, but I am not. I am getting nothing. I am getting BFNs over and over. So, if something is not working why keep trying? I feel like we need to regroup and take some time for ourselves. 

"Taking a break" does not mean "giving up".

Every time we have a plan set too far in advance, and we hit a road block, I am torn to pieces and that just isn't healthy. So, for now, we are not going to "plan" too far into the future; we are going to take it cycle by cycle and day by day.

Since I am currently spotting on CD 25, we know that the next cycle is about to start, so we are going ahead (partially) with the plan for this month. 

The plan will be as follows: Stop BCP tomorrow. Pick up Femara. Expect AF on Friday. Start Femara (7.5mg) on CD3. Start OPKs on CD 10. Test two, maybe three, times a day, like a mad woman. Take photos of all OPKs to compare. Post daily. Once I get a positive OPK call to schedule IUI for the next day. Try a little TI; with a sore bum, and pray to the God(s) for a BFP!

After that, all I can say is...

Last Night

Last night DH and I "planned" out the next steps.

I have surgery on the 12th and I was worried that it would interfere with our next cycle. When I called my RE office I was reassured that as long as it was not a invasive surgery I should be just fine to move forward. She also said that while we can do IUI if we choose, it is not necessary since DH had a normal SA. With that being said, she did said that they would recommend IUI after 3-4 failed cycles.

When I told DH what she said we decided to do IUI. We have done 5 cycles of Femara without IUI,  so it is now time to pair the treatments together. Hopefully we won't need to do it several times, but we agreed to try it 2-3 more times and then that's it. If after all that we are still not pregnant then we will move away from oral meds and injections and onto more aggressive (and expensive) treatment. In 2014, if we are not pregnant we will pursue IVF. I won't lie, though. IVF scares me. It is so expensive and there is no guarantee. Plus, I worry that I may have bad eggs. But, from what I hear, the only way know how good/bad my eggs are in through the IVF procedure. So, this is something we need to do.

I am happy and content with this plan.

We are not done trying until we have tried it all.

Maybe (a weird post)

For the past few days every time I turn on the radio, whether it be in the house, in the office or in the truck, I hear the Swedish House Mafia song "Don't You Worry Child". I never hear the whole song; usually only the chorus. 

"My father said,  

"Don't you worry, don't you worry, child  

See heaven's got a plan for you" 

It is easy to see that the plan I had for myself and the plan that God has for are not the same. I wanted to be married by 24 and I have my first child by 26. Instead,  I was married at 29, and at 31, I am still barren.

I have two very religious parents and I love that about them. However, my faith is lacking these days. I believe in something bigger than myself, I just can't say for sure that I believe in God. But, I must. Because even just writing that, I feel a sense of guilt.

I just feel really let down.

I mean, I have been through so much and survived. Isn't it time that I be able to enjoy life and achieve some of the dreams I have been dreaming of without more heartache? God, has put me through enough! From 22- 26 years old, I was in a VERY abusive relationship. I toyed with drugs, broke the law and was beaten; badly, over and over again. Now, I know that I can't blame all of that on God. I made those choices. But, everyone says "God has a plan". I guess that was  part of his "plan". He was giving me life's lessons, first hand. My dad tells me I went through all of that pain to teach them (my family) all a lesson. He thinks God believed I was the one strong enough to test their faith and love and was the one able to endure all the pain.

Whatever.

I have a home, a wonderful husband, a loving family, the support and the means to care for and to raise a child. I am healthy (for the most part), I have deep morals and values, I  have all the things needed to be a good mother, and I know my DH will be an amazing father; there is not a doubt in my mind! So why? Why it is such a struggle for us?

Religious folks always want to tell me something about it being God's will. I sorta stopped listening to it after a while. With all the technology we have today, there is no reason I should have to rely on God's will. Let's get real. God gave us the ability to invent and use technology. So why wouldn't I seek some help from science?

What is shameful about that?


Why would I put all of my eggs in one basket?

Why would I only rely on faith and hope when a child is what I want so badly? Why do people feel the need to tell me that if I prayed more, went to church, or gave it to God, I might get pregnant? I can guarantee you that the 16 year old girl that got drunk one night and ended up pregnant doesn't deserve to be a mother any more than I do, and I am going to assume that she does not live by his words praying to "God". She probably didn't spend endless hours praying to "God" for a child!

So, why?
Why does he continue to punish me?
What makes me unworthy of motherhood, or achieving motherhood easily.

I feel like a hypocrite now. As I sit here writing this post I wear a St. Gerard (saint of motherhood) medallion around my neck. One that my mom had blessed by the priest. I also have a Fertility Goddess medal I used wear. I wore it since our wedding- it obviously never worked. I bought essential oils, meditation records and books to enhance the energy around conception. I have tried to grasp any and all "spiritual" straws that may help us get prego.
As if that will really make a difference.

I get so cynical after so many attempts and so many BFN!

I know that I have to stay positive but hope truly does diminish and the positive outlook we try to keep becomes less clear. I can't say which is worse- never getting a BFP or getting a BFP and losing it. Or getting a BFP, and a baby, but then having to battle secondary infertility. No one can answer that. No one can say which is worse. I would do anything at this point for a BFP, and I would be ever so happy to get that BFP even if it ended. I just want a BFP, at this point. I would do anything for it.

Who's to say who hurts worse? No one.

Who's to say who's plan is the right plan? Who is to say it is even a "plan".

Maybe I am just broken and my body sucks.
Maybe its all science and has nothing to do with fate, God, saints or goddesses.
Maybe it  all  comes down to science, timing, and money.
Maybe I am not getting my BFP because I don't have enough faith.
Maybe my time is around the corner.
Maybe there is not such things as "my time".
Maybe my dad is right.
Maybe I need to find happiness and peace in whatever "his plan" is.

This is how I feel as of late.

Winner!

"How you doin'"? 
It is CD 15 today and my OPK tested positive today (and I have the CM to go with it!). I was ready to throw in the towel because I am an impatient ass. So you can only imagine what joy I felt when I saw that nice, strong, dark line this afternoon! I actually skipped! When I talked to the receptionist at my RE's office I told her "You would think I tested positive for pregnancy by the way I feel!" She laughed. The RN said "Congratulations! That is a positive! (I sent her an email with a photo of my OPK) Now, the important thing is to have intercourse tonight, tomorrow and the next day." I said, "Oh,  we can do that!". Ha ha! Blood work is scheduled for the 1st (Cd 21) to see how "well" I ovulated! 

I am kind of excited, nervous, proud and shocked all at the same time! To most people ovulation is no big deal. Shit, half the time women I know don't even know what to look for when it comes to ovulation! Take my sister for example (I love you sis...) she thought that you ovulated for DAYS! I have another friend who inquires about my infertility stuff and she just goes blank when I talk about follicles, progesterone, or ovaries; she has no idea what any of it means, yet she is a mother to an adorable little baby!

So, yeah, today is CD 15 and I had a positive LH surge! This is my first attempt at TTC since stopping BCP 4 weeks ago. I am not counting on ending this attempt with a positive pregnancy test, but I am not counting it out either! My RN said it can happen, especially in women with PCOS. I am not thinking too far ahead... I am just gonna ENJOY this positive OPK and hope for the best!

Happy Friday!