Thursday, August 29, 2013

Guest Blogger: The Other Woman

I received this post from a fellow blogger that wishes to remain anonymous as they are not ready to tell friends and family of their own that they are going to start trying for a baby. I appreciate the honesty she brings to this post. I hope you do, too.

The Other Woman

I'm the woman you hate. Fertile Myrtle. Pregnant four times in my late teens and in my early twenties.  Unmarried teenage welfare mother who didn't deserve to be so lucky while you are a solid couple, stable in your career and financially able to raise a child.

My children are now almost grown: 16 and 21.  I have long left the addictive dysfunctional relationship that spawned these two great kids.  At 24, I was done with childbirth I thought. I never wanted more than two, now I had one of each, a boy and a girl.  I persuaded my doctor to tie my tubes when my daughter was born - “Cut, Tie & Cauterize!” I told him, “make sure those puppies don't come undone or let any future swimmers swim past”. After two illegitimate births and four unintended pregnancies he didn't put up much of an argument, though he did ask the perfunctory questions of “what if you meet someone else someday who wants kids” or “what if something happens to one of your children?”  Simple I thought, you can't just replace a child with another, and whether I met someone who wanted kids didn't matter, because I didn't.  Raising kids on your own is not easy and to be perfectly honest, I don't regret getting my tubes tied.  Because of my ease of getting pregnant, even while using birth control, I know I would have gotten knocked up again, probably by another of the loser alcoholics I seemed to attract.

But, now I am 40 1/2 and nearly 2 years ago I met my future husband.  We are now the solid couple, career stable and financially able.  He's 3 years old than me and has never had children, though he's coached kids in sports for many years.  He will be a great dad.  When we met, I was upfront with not being able to have, nor want, more children and he was okay with that.  He had reached a point in his life where he figured he would probably not have them.  Now, as I approach peri-menopause, and my children are leaving home to start their own lives,I have baby fever.  It's now or never; those eggs are drying up.  For a while, I figured I would just wait for grandbabies.  Then an odd thing happened on the way to adulthood - both my children are gay.  This doesn't mean, of course, that they will never have children, but it will be a long time coming.  My future hubby and I had a discussion last week and decided we would not pursue having a baby together, we were getting older, this was our time together to travel to do what we wanted, etc. etc.  But, I kept thinking about it, I saw babies everywhere, my mind obsessed on this thing I couldn't let go.  So, I told him I changed my mind.  The huge grin and the tearing up of his eyes confirmed that this is our path.  We are now beginning the process of getting my tubes reversed.  It's not definite yet, we don't know about my egg reserve, or his fertility, or the condition of my tubes.  If it's not possible, we will accept that and embrace what we have together.  

For those of you struggling to conceive your first child, I do understand the desire and some of the heartache you must feel.  I know you may view me as selfish or greedy, and I'm sorry.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

An Open Invitation

I've always wanted to host guest bloggers so I figured why not post an open invitation to anyone who wants to volunteer! Don't worry, you don't have to make a decision yet; this opportunity isn't going to expire.

I know that my blog is primarily about infertility, however, I will welcome any kind of post. Posts can be about: life, babies, the lack of babies, puppies, the ocean, ice cream, relationships, divorce, personal goals, how infertility (or someone else's) has affected you, regrets, bucket lists... and so on. Just about anything goes!

I have reached out to a few people I know personally to see if they would be willing to write a post for me. I won't give any hints as to who they are but I will say that each one of them has a story to tell. Some of them have gone through some recent personal changes; both good and bad. Some have a specific view on children and treatments and while I know that their view might offend some-  I believe it is a personal view that is worth sharing. Other's have experienced things and places I've only dreamed of; each person has a story and I hope they share it. Fingers crossed they take me up on my offer!

My only request is that you write with pure, 100% honesty. This guest post request was inspired after reading many comments on my recent posts that praised my honesty. Being honest isn't always easy. I fear judgment, I fear my words will come across wrong, I fear that I will offend others; I fear that with my honesty I will lose readers. But, I know that fear won't get me anywhere and I find honesty to be an admirable trait therefore, my posts are written with vulnerability and truth. 

So, with that being said,  I want to open my blog up to others who may want to get out what they may be too afraid to say! I know that sometimes, it is the best feeling; the most healing thing to let things go and by doing so sometimes we just have to tell someone. I am willing to be that some one. I am willing to let this blog be your voice.

I should let you know that while I ask for honesty, I also ask for consideration. When writing for my blog, please remember that we don't want to intentionally offend others. If I get a post that I think could be offensive to others, I will ask that you either re-word it, chose a new topic or use on your own blog. I'm asking for candor, not villainy. 

Any takers? If so, email me at:

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Knowing Our Limits; Even When It Hurts

I am not sure what I was expecting to see when I clicked on the "view adoptable children" link on the adoption websites. Wait. Yes I do. I was thinking that I was going to see lots of tiny fingers, and toes, and toothless smiles.

Instead, what I saw made my heart ache. Most of the children were older, with some sort of disability and many of the children had siblings. One of the website had a family of six... yes, SIX, kids. Their ages ranged from 12yrs- 0yrs old. My heart sank. How can someone, a mother, have six of her own children up for adoption or living in a foster home? What is wrong with her!? I wanted to scream when I saw the image of her six beautiful children. How could she do that to them? What kind of a mother was she. Oh, that's right. She wasn't a mother, she had just given birth.

Seeing those six children was just a reminder that  life can be cruel sometimes. Here we are struggling to start our own family; we have the means to take care of our child, a stable home, a loving marriage, a wonderful family surrounding us. How can one woman have six beautiful children all up for adoption; all wards of the state, and we can't even conceive one; even with fertility treatments, nor can we save those six kids.

Mike and I have talked about adoption a few times. As you can see in the post below; adoption is not cheap. There were a few times that I thought about forgoing treatments, in the hopes of a BFP, and opting for adoption instead. However, the further I looked into adoption, the less I was willing to give up trying for my own child. Adoption, just like treatment, carries no guarantee of a take home baby.

After  scrolling through the websites I was saddened by my response to the children that were  available. I felt disappointed. Not only was adoption so expensive, the only children that were available were either older than Mike and I would have wanted or living with some sort of disability. We knew that while those children are more deserving that ever of an unconditional love, and a family;  we were not willing to put ourselves in that position by choice.

As terrible as that may sound, it is true. Adopting an older child would be difficult for us. At a certain age children are extremely influential and we want to make sure that during those times, we are the ones that are doing the influencing. Mike said he couldn't adopt a child that was old enough to cause me emotional harm with hurtful words; I've gone through far too much for that, he says. We also know that while there is always a chance that the child we conceive may have disabilities, we are not in a state of mind to adopt a child that is in need of extensive medical or emotional help. We can't. And I don't want to try to convince myself that we could.

I am still trying to convince myself that I am not a bad person for being able to completely shut down the option of  adopting one of those children.

I want be a parent; a mom, so badly. But, I don't want to be one that bad. I told my mom that I felt horrible knowing that I was shopping for a baby and that I was sick with grief that I was able to dismiss the children that didn't flatter me or that I didn't fit into my "requirements". What if I was to have a child that had disabilities or that wasn't "cute"?. She reassured me that it would be different if it were my own flesh and blood and that adopting; especially adopting a child with special needs, was not for everyone. She told me it was okay that I was not ready or willing to adopt a child that needed a special kind of love and dedication. It was okay to not want to adopt at all.

I am not sure why some people think adoption is so easy. I have often been told things like: "Just adopt; there are so many children out there that would be blessed to have parents like you", "Become foster parents! You never know how many lives you may influence, and besides, the state will pay you!" or "Make sure you adopt a toddler, that way you can skip the baby stuff and go straight to the easy parts."

I don't want to be foster parents. We have been though so much heartache already and fostering children would probably cause more turmoil and distress than we need. I don't want to be a temporary mom, or permanent babysitter. I want to be a mother. Another reason why foster parenting is not for us is that quite honestly, I hate doing some people favors. I am sure that I sound horrible saying that, and for having that sort of view  but, it is true. I don't like bailing people out and sometimes I think that these biological parents get too much bailing out. They never relinquish their parental rights, or they take years to do it, and their children grow up in and out of families. It kills me that these kids could have a chance at a healthy, stable, family at an early age yet their parents were too selfish or messed up to figure it out, so years and years pass before they are forced to sign over their rights.

Infancy is a huge part of parenthood and mothering. Why would anyone ever suggest that we skip it? Don't get me wrong, I understand that it may have been suggested jokingly and maybe toddlers are easier because they are more independent, but, skip the baby stage? No way. I have been dreaming of the day when I get to wrap my little one up in the quilt that my mom made (yes, she has already made our babies first quilt) and snuggle him or her while gently squeezing them against my chest. I have spent countless nights imagining our baby waking up in the middle of the night, I've imagined what it would be like to see Mike getting up to comfort them.  I've thought about the difficult parts too. I know nothing in life is all roses; all the time but, I've been around enough babies to know that they are always worth it even though they are not always easy! It don't care what anyone says; I would never want to skip the baby stage. And suggesting it is foolish.

Adoption isn't easy. Adoption isn't the answer to our infertility. Adoption isn't going to fill my void. I fear that if anything, adoption would fuel it. Yes, I want to be a mother but, I want to be a mother to my own child; to Mike's child. I want our first born to be a product our DNA. I know that there are thousands, millions, of children that would be blessed to have us as parents, and I know that we would be blessed to be their parents but, when it comes down to it, we have to chose: adoption or an attempt at our own child? There isn't anything we want more in this life than to have our own child. Sadly, in order to do so, we have to spend a lot of money. We can't chose IVF and adoption and I can't live the rest of my life knowing that we didn't try everything we could in order to have our own.

If we get to IVF and it doesn't work then at least we know that we did everything we could. We know that we will go forward living and loving our life no matter where this chapter ends. As I said before, we can live a childfree life just fine; but, it would be great to have a little Findley around to show off share it with.

For many reasons; in many ways

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Happy Face

I have no idea why I tested today- but I did.  

CD 16 and I have two positive ovulation tests. Once again my body has proven to have no rhyme or reason! Once again, ovulation comes when we least expect it! I mean, the last cycle was 48 days long! In June my positive ovulation test came on CD 28 after a 43 day cycle. Normally I have some signs of ovulation prior to a positive test but, I have only experienced some slight left ovary pain within the last couple days and like always, my CM is not reliable! 

Of course, I get a positive test after a sleepless night, a long dental appointment, and a headache. I mean, it would only make sense that we have to BD on the one night when we just want to GO TO SLEEP! Ugh, I am my body is so weird.

On another note, I have been working on a few "thought provoking" (at least for me) blog posts that I've been trying to publish but, I just feel like I lost my writing touch; nothing I write seems to come out the way I want it to; I should have paid more attention in writing class. Maybe one day I will get around to posting them.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Just WHAT?

US Domestic Adoption

Inter-Country Adoption requirements with South Korea

Just adopt, huh? More on this later....

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Whatever It Is...

Where do I even start? Even though it has only been 2 weeks since my last post, it feels like forever since I've shared my thoughts with the keyboard so, I am going to warn you now that this post will most likely be all over the place and maybe even a little contradictory at times. 

Let me start by saying that work is going great! I absolutely LOVE it! I have caught onto the dental terminology and the office procedures pretty quickly. The staff has been more than great. Each one of them have told me how great I am doing; which feels pretty awesome! I should also mention that the hours are pretty kick ass. I get alternating 3 and 4 day weekends and I am off by 4 pm! And, I also just got my first bonus check! I can't complain about one darn thing when it comes to work. I feel very blessed and fortunate to work for such a generous doctor and with such fun ladies. This job was definitely worth the wait.

Last weekend we went camping, again. We headed for a campground in the Mt. Hood National Forest but that didn't fair out so well. Every single campground was full. Not. Kidding. I was pissed. We drove for 4 hours before we decided that we would just turn around and head home. On the way back we happened to find a pretty sweet spot off the side of the road so we decided to set up camp. I never knew that it was free to camp along the road in the forest! Luckily we found a spot where we could pull off the road into the campsite. It was super peaceful and private. Mike caught a few fish, I was able to finish a book, and Zoie got her first tick. Eeeek! 

Our own private campground
A view from the river
Mike fly fishing
My first time chopping wood

I was really worried that AF was going to show up while we were in the woods without a bathroom. But, she never did make her appearance, thank goodness! I wouldn't have enjoyed the trip much if she did. I'll confess that I even took a HPT when we got back since it was nearly 2 weeks since I took the last one. I thought "maybe, juuuust maybe...". Of course, the test was negative and my period started the next day. I swear it happens every time!

It was a horrible period. I had terrible cramps the first two days and it was heavy. I hate it when my cycle goes that long; 48 days long... the periods are NEVER fun at that point. Today is CD 5 and I am still spotting. UGH!

I wish I could say that I was excited to start on a new cycle; I'm not. I don't really care, to be honest. I am not sure if I am ready to accept a child-free life or if I am trying to convince myself that I am suppose to live this life child-free. 

I know that I have said that I am content and happy with the life we have and that I am ready to live instead of wait. Even though I do believe that I am happier, I am not sure that I am as content as I say. I wonder if I am "faking it until I make it". I wonder if I am trying to convince myself that I am not meant to be a mother because it is not happening as easily as it should.

I am trying to find the difference between acceptance and convincing. No one can tell me how, when, where, if, I will ever get pregnant. No one can tell me that I will one day have a family. No one can guarantee that sort of thing. So, should I start entertaining the idea of a life lived forever without children? I'd prefer to entertain the idea that we can live our life child-free with the hopes that one day we will be parents. 

Recently, I was pondering the life without children. I was thinking about all the times that we are able to pick up and leave without reserve. I thought about all the times we are able to plan a vacation that revolves only around us, I thought about the lack of clutter and noise we have, I thought about all the extra things we get to buy ourselves and all the fancy dinners we get to enjoy with out having to track down a babysitter. I thought about all the things we get to do and all the things we will be able to do if we chose to live a life child-free.

Then I started thinking about all the things we would be missing out on. We would never hear the words "I love you mommy, I love you daddy", we would never feel the tiny arms holding us tight, we would never get to experience sleepless nights, we would never see firsts steps taken, never hear firsts words spoken. I thought about the things we will never experience if we chose to live a child-free life.

After imagining my life both ways- neither seemed to be the "perfect life". One path didn't have all the answers. Each path would be giving up something in order to gain something. 

I read an article in Time Magazine that talked about living the child-free life and it made me think about a couple that they featured who were faced with the reality that life would be lived with out children. Instead of letting that reality destroy them, they chose to grieve the life they didn't have. She put a pink tutu in a box and he put in a "geek article". They keep the box close and always remember the child they wished they had- on the other hand, they would have grieved the life they have now; had they had children. You see, it just goes to show that we must give to receive.

As of this moment, I am not sure I am meant to be a mother. Honestly, it is because I do love my life the way it is at the moment and because I am not ready to invest nearly $20,000 into IVF so that we can TRY another way to get pregnant. I can't put us that far into debt for only the hope of it working. I know that sometimes it takes hard work, money, science, and a whole lot of patience, and hope to get pregnant but, right now I don't have it. I don't have that sort of commitment or desperation to conceive. I admire and envy those women who were; and are, determined enough to do whatever they can; at any cost, to have their family. I just can't. I'm not there yet. Maybe I am not ready to be a mother?

I am just not sure it is what I am suppose to do. If it was, why am I so torn?  I started thinking that sometimes somethings just aren't meant to be- no matter how hard I try; no matter how bad I want it; if it isn't going to happen- it isn't, and I usually have a gut feeling as to which way it is going to go. My battle with infertility is reminding me a lot of an abusive relationship. It is a constant ride of emotional highs and lows, some one is always hurt and let down but they continue to go back for more... with hopes that the next time will be different. I know this- because I was there once. Why should I think that the next big treatment is going to be the one?

Normally, I am not one to believe in God's will... but you know what? I do believe in Him and I do think my life has a purposeful path and even though it may not be the path I want right now, I want to believe it is the path I was meant to navigate. I also want to believe that when the time is right- I will conceive and if that day never comes I want to believe I will know why someday. Some how.

Am I accepting this current reality? Am I convincing myself  that this is what my life was destined to be? Am I in denial? Am I trying to find ways to dull the pain? Who knows.... all I know is that is feels good not to be in a fight with myself, Mike, or God. So, whatever it is I am doing... I hope I continue doing it because right now it is making me feel less defeated and more empowered.

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.
Maya Angelou