Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Maybe (a weird post)

For the past few days every time I turn on the radio, whether it be in the house, in the office or in the truck, I hear the Swedish House Mafia song "Don't You Worry Child". I never hear the whole song; usually only the chorus. 

"My father said,  
"Don't you worry, don't you worry, child  
See heaven's got a plan for you" 

It is easy to see that the plan I had for myself and the plan that God has for are not the same. I wanted to be married by 24 and I have my first child by 26. Instead,  I was married at 29, and at 31, I am still barren.

I have two very religious parents and I love that about them. However, my faith is lacking these days. I believe in something bigger than myself, I just can't say for sure that I believe in God. But, I must. Because even just writing that, I feel a sense of guilt.

I just feel really let down.

I mean, I have been through so much and survived. Isn't it time that I be able to enjoy life and achieve some of the dreams I have been dreaming of without more heartache? God, has put me through enough! From 22- 26 years old, I was in a VERY abusive relationship. I toyed with drugs, broke the law and was beaten; badly, over and over again. Now, I know that I can't blame all of that on God. I made those choices. But, everyone says "God has a plan". I guess that was  part of his "plan". He was giving me life's lessons, first hand. My dad tells me I went through all of that pain to teach them (my family) all a lesson. He thinks God believed I was the one strong enough to test their faith and love and was the one able to endure all the pain.

Whatever.

I have a home, a wonderful husband, a loving family, the support and the means to care for and to raise a child. I am healthy (for the most part), I have deep morals and values, I  have all the things needed to be a good mother, and I know my DH will be an amazing father; there is not a doubt in my mind! So why? Why it is such a struggle for us?

Religious folks always want to tell me something about it being God's will. I sorta stopped listening to it after a while. With all the technology we have today, there is no reason I should have to rely on God's will. Let's get real. God gave us the ability to invent and use technology. So why wouldn't I seek some help from science?

What is shameful about that?


Why would I put all of my eggs in one basket?

Why would I only rely on faith and hope when a child is what I want so badly? Why do people feel the need to tell me that if I prayed more, went to church, or gave it to God, I might get pregnant? I can guarantee you that the 16 year old girl that got drunk one night and ended up pregnant doesn't deserve to be a mother any more than I do, and I am going to assume that she does not live by his words praying to "God". She probably didn't spend endless hours praying to "God" for a child!

So, why?
Why does he continue to punish me?
What makes me unworthy of motherhood, or achieving motherhood easily.

I feel like a hypocrite now. As I sit here writing this post I wear a St. Gerard (saint of motherhood) medallion around my neck. One that my mom had blessed by the priest. I also have a Fertility Goddess medal I used wear. I wore it since our wedding- it obviously never worked. I bought essential oils, meditation records and books to enhance the energy around conception. I have tried to grasp any and all "spiritual" straws that may help us get prego.
As if that will really make a difference.

I get so cynical after so many attempts and so many BFN!

I know that I have to stay positive but hope truly does diminish and the positive outlook we try to keep becomes less clear. I can't say which is worse- never getting a BFP or getting a BFP and losing it. Or getting a BFP, and a baby, but then having to battle secondary infertility. No one can answer that. No one can say which is worse. I would do anything at this point for a BFP, and I would be ever so happy to get that BFP even if it ended. I just want a BFP, at this point. I would do anything for it.

Who's to say who hurts worse? No one.

Who's to say who's plan is the right plan? Who is to say it is even a "plan".

Maybe I am just broken and my body sucks.
Maybe its all science and has nothing to do with fate, God, saints or goddesses.
Maybe it  all  comes down to science, timing, and money.
Maybe I am not getting my BFP because I don't have enough faith.
Maybe my time is around the corner.
Maybe there is not such things as "my time".
Maybe my dad is right.
Maybe I need to find happiness and peace in whatever "his plan" is.

This is how I feel as of late.



34 comments:

  1. I usually don't respond to posts regarding God and religion because I am the minority in this belief and catch a lot of grief about it. But, I did want you to know that I read your post and my heart goes out to you. Having infertility is a medical condition and I truly hope your doctors can find a treatment plan that works for you. I also hope that your faith (in whatever you believe) is restored and your heart is at peace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I don't know how I feel about it all. I want to believe in something, maybe God. But I dont think I will ever follow or understand religion. I agree 100% IF is a medical condition not a measure of faith.

      Delete
  2. It was not God's plan to put you in an abusive relationship and have you make bad choices... that was the Devil's.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some will argure it was not the Devil either. It was just little ol me making bad decisions. ;)

      Delete
    2. Some will argue that the fault lies entirely in the abuser. As a Domestic Abuse volunteer advocate, that is my two-cents. :)

      Delete
  3. *hugs* That song was on incessantly here in Austin while I was going through the FET process. I was so inspired and felt like it was a sign. Now that things are going south, everytime I hear that song I want to break something. :( Crazy how the perspective changed so quickly.

    I have found myself questioning my faith lately too. I wish I could say something to make things better, but it's just plain hard no matter how you slice it. IF is horrible, cruel, unfair. Many days I just don't understand why some of the best people have to suffer the most. But I keep hanging onto this notion that there is a bigger plan because I feel it's true. My husband doesn't feel the same way.

    Sending you big hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hate the song now! LOL! I only hear the chorus over and over... UGH! LOL!!!

      Thank you for commenting on my blog. And thank you for the hug!

      Delete
  4. I could say I have almost all of those feelings to some degree. I know for a fact I am so much stronger and so much more appreciative of my incredible Husband because of the terrible relationship I was in for many years before him. I know that God didn't put me in that situation but I am thankful he was with me along the way and brought me to where I am today even if it means I may never have a child of my own. It is a struggle every day not knowing if I will ever be a mother but I do know that God does have a plan for me and part of that is even me reading your blog today. It's comforting to be able to read and share our IF struggles together and help each other out along the way. Keep your head up we are all in this together :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amie- Thank you for this comment. You quickly made me realize that God did not put me there, but that he was there along the way (saving me). Thank you. Maybe I need to start looking at the bigger picture, maybe this post was what I needed to open up...

      Delete
  5. I am so sorry and I have felt similar things and struggled with my faith too.

    I don't in any way believe that infertility is God's will. Is it God's will for someone to get cancer or a serious illness? NO! It's not, but God provides doctors who are able to treat those illnesses because they have happened.

    I do believe we all have a journey. God is divine, he could intervene and he does intervene, but when the timing is right.

    There have been so many times that I have said "God show me the BIG picture!" I just want to see a glimmer of the future to know that everything will be ok. Unfortunately we don't get that luxury and we just have to trust that it will be ok.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think the illness is God's will. But I do think he hope we learn something from every experience. I hope he intervenes soon.
      Thanks for stopping by, reading and lifting me back up!

      Delete
  6. I don't have any answers for you. I'm not sure there is a God or not either and it's something I've struggled with for a number of years, even before we had our loss. It's only been worse since and when people ask what my religion is, I tell them I'm agnostic because I just don't know.

    What I do know is that people told me our loss was God's will and I lost it on pretty much all of them.

    Pregnancy loss, infertility, cancer, AIDS; none of those are God's will, if he exists. It's biology and sometimes biology deals some of us a very crappy hand.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agnostic is good. I am open to hearing all sorts, but I can't say for sure where I stand.

      I never have been a good card player!

      Delete
    2. Stasy- WELL SAID! It IS biology and you are so right, sometimes we are dealt with a very very crappy hand. In those times, I just want to know that it will all work out and sometimes it so hard to trust that it will.

      Delete
  7. Oh I feel for you! I too have experienced and abusive relationship and I thank God I was able to get out of it I am much more appreciative of my DH than I could've ever been had I not had that experience. My parents are religious too. My dad is extremely active with his church. When I mentioned my fertility struggles he said I needed to "give it to God". I lost it on him. That was the last time we ever spoke of it. Neither of us will speak of it and probably never will again to ech other. It has caused a riff in our realationship
    . I often question my faith and feel so guilty for it.

    God will be there for us and with us whether we realize it or not.
    AND it is a medical problem for sure.

    Bugs hugs and baby dust.

    Just remember people make sacrifices for their children. We infertiles just do a whole lot more of that even before we have our children.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Heather!
      Love that last line! Thanks for bringing me back to sanity!

      Delete
  8. Thank you for posting about this, I think a lot of us going through this journey tend to lose some faith along the way and even though we feel guilty we shouldn't. We've been told over and over if its God's will, or if this is your greatest desire all you have to do is ask and it will be provided to you. I can tell you how many times I got down on my knees and cried and prayed and asked why? Why me? Why Us? After 5 years of trying and all kinds of painful procedures and treatments. My mind, body and spirit are tired. Will I ever stop fighting, No way. This has been my dream since I was little to have a little boy or girl with our features to teach them about the world and how to treat others. I feel a part of me is missing and then I see all these women and kids getting pregnant and not taking care of them or abusing them it just makes me so angry and I think how can a God let this happen.... it makes me question everything. And the people that would tell me to just ask harder, pray more, it wasnt time yet only pushed me further from the small amount of faith that I had. So thank you for making me feel less alone in this. My heart goes out to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ashley, your comment made me cry. Maybe it is the hormones, but maybe it was just the sweet note. I am happy to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. I hope your dreams come true!

      Delete
  9. I think it is natural to struggle with your faith (if you have one) when you are going through a difficult time. I know it is something I did and I did let my faith slide once we decided that we wanted to have a baby. Yet, once we did get pregnant it seemed like I especially turned a corner. I didn't want to be one of those people who blamed God when things went wrong and praised him when things went right but that was kind of how it happened. Now I feel like I am at a great place with my faith, Matt and I are at a great place with our faith as a couple. Basically what I'm saying is that it is okay to struggle with your faith because I think once you figure out where you stand it makes you stronger in your faith stance (hope that makes sense!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope that this hurdle will in the end bring me stronger faith. I feel bad questioning it.

      Delete
  10. I struggle with these thoughts on a daily basis. I don't know what I believe in anymore besides my desire to be a mother.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Teresa, I think everyone has theses doubts. It's hard to go through struggles and not question God's plan for us. I don't like the statements of "leave it up to God" and stuff like that. God put these doctor's in our paths and gave us the science to pursue pregnancy. How do those people know that ISN'T what he has planned? I DO believe in giving it up to God, but only in the context of giving him our worries and stress. That does not mean that we stop trying! I have not managed to give all my worries to God yet myself, but I do believe it would be a much more peaceful place to be. I know you read my post from last week about almost this same topic. That post expresses everything I would want to express to you here. If you want, you can visit my blog and read it again, http://oldladynobaby.blogspot.com/2013/03/choosing-bright-side.html. I don't know if it will help, but I know I've been where you are. I've had moments of pretty intense anger toward God, but at the end of the day, it just feels so much better to be hopeful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did re-read that post you wrote and I still love it. I am feeling much better and have actaully spent some time trying to give it to God. I need to let go and stop trying to be the controler. I will continure to seek help outside of faith, but I promise to not give my faith up. Thank you for commenting. Hugs.

      Delete
    2. Glad to hear you are feeling better! It's just such a hard thing. I think that seeking help is PART of having faith, not necessarily outside of it. Doesn't mean it will work, as the future will always be an unknown. But that help was put there for a reason. Hugs right back :)

      Delete
  12. I've waited a bit to reply to your post because I really had to take some time to sort out my thoughts into something that makes since. For me, my faith in God ebbs and flows as far as intensity, depending on the circumstances. But, my faith in something greater than me is always there. Part of that has come from my family, such as seeing my grandmothers die with such peace in knowing they were moving on to be with many people they have loved in the past. I think most of my questions are more so about wondering what is in the future in a concrete sense, like will we ever have children, and they're not so much about where my faith lies. That in and of itself, the questions about the what if's that nobody regardless of faith and beliefs can ever answer, is enough to make a person feel bad. So what I choose to do is to think less on whether I believe or not and more about how I can make sure my life is fulfilling and happy, just as the way my God intended it to be. And, like others have said, giving all of the rest of my worries back to God so that I have the emotional freedom to live. I believe that God created man and the capacity for healing by way of medical science and by way of interpersonal strength within ourselves to live through sickness and other tribulations so that we can bless others with our strength. That is not to say that we should never feel sad or in the dumps, but that we should try everyday to let go of what is out of our hands. It's a tricky thing though, our faith and believe system, and you have every right to question and think and ponder because that is how we form and shape our beliefs in a way that works for us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, WELL SAID! Thank you for this comment!

      Delete
    2. My mom told me I had no faith since I was questioning it. I say that is how I test my faith, I have to ask questions.

      Delete
  13. You are such a beautiful person. You do deserve happiness, babies, and all good things! I can't tell you how many nights I laid awake and asked God why He was punishing me. I could not understand the heartache and trials. It's not fair to go through so much. And it sounds like you've already been through the ringer. It doesn't make sense.

    I still don't understand why so many good people go through so many awful things. But I do believe in miracles. And I know you will be blessed...and hopefully soon.

    Lots of hugs and love xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lisa, Thank you for the sweet compliment! I hope that my times comes sooner than later.

      Delete
  14. You took the words right out of my own head. I have felt like this for the last few months. I don't pray about it anymore. I pretty much don't feel like talking to God at all. And I feel guilty saying that too. You are not alone. Not at all. I have been struggling to come to terms with where I am in both my faith journey and IF journey. Love you dear. <3

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for visiting my blog! Be sure to leave some comment love!