Maybe (a weird post)

For the past few days every time I turn on the radio, whether it be in the house, in the office or in the truck, I hear the Swedish House Mafia song "Don't You Worry Child". I never hear the whole song; usually only the chorus. 

"My father said,  

"Don't you worry, don't you worry, child  

See heaven's got a plan for you" 

It is easy to see that the plan I had for myself and the plan that God has for are not the same. I wanted to be married by 24 and I have my first child by 26. Instead,  I was married at 29, and at 31, I am still barren.

I have two very religious parents and I love that about them. However, my faith is lacking these days. I believe in something bigger than myself, I just can't say for sure that I believe in God. But, I must. Because even just writing that, I feel a sense of guilt.

I just feel really let down.

I mean, I have been through so much and survived. Isn't it time that I be able to enjoy life and achieve some of the dreams I have been dreaming of without more heartache? God, has put me through enough! From 22- 26 years old, I was in a VERY abusive relationship. I toyed with drugs, broke the law and was beaten; badly, over and over again. Now, I know that I can't blame all of that on God. I made those choices. But, everyone says "God has a plan". I guess that was  part of his "plan". He was giving me life's lessons, first hand. My dad tells me I went through all of that pain to teach them (my family) all a lesson. He thinks God believed I was the one strong enough to test their faith and love and was the one able to endure all the pain.

Whatever.

I have a home, a wonderful husband, a loving family, the support and the means to care for and to raise a child. I am healthy (for the most part), I have deep morals and values, I  have all the things needed to be a good mother, and I know my DH will be an amazing father; there is not a doubt in my mind! So why? Why it is such a struggle for us?

Religious folks always want to tell me something about it being God's will. I sorta stopped listening to it after a while. With all the technology we have today, there is no reason I should have to rely on God's will. Let's get real. God gave us the ability to invent and use technology. So why wouldn't I seek some help from science?

What is shameful about that?


Why would I put all of my eggs in one basket?

Why would I only rely on faith and hope when a child is what I want so badly? Why do people feel the need to tell me that if I prayed more, went to church, or gave it to God, I might get pregnant? I can guarantee you that the 16 year old girl that got drunk one night and ended up pregnant doesn't deserve to be a mother any more than I do, and I am going to assume that she does not live by his words praying to "God". She probably didn't spend endless hours praying to "God" for a child!

So, why?
Why does he continue to punish me?
What makes me unworthy of motherhood, or achieving motherhood easily.

I feel like a hypocrite now. As I sit here writing this post I wear a St. Gerard (saint of motherhood) medallion around my neck. One that my mom had blessed by the priest. I also have a Fertility Goddess medal I used wear. I wore it since our wedding- it obviously never worked. I bought essential oils, meditation records and books to enhance the energy around conception. I have tried to grasp any and all "spiritual" straws that may help us get prego.
As if that will really make a difference.

I get so cynical after so many attempts and so many BFN!

I know that I have to stay positive but hope truly does diminish and the positive outlook we try to keep becomes less clear. I can't say which is worse- never getting a BFP or getting a BFP and losing it. Or getting a BFP, and a baby, but then having to battle secondary infertility. No one can answer that. No one can say which is worse. I would do anything at this point for a BFP, and I would be ever so happy to get that BFP even if it ended. I just want a BFP, at this point. I would do anything for it.

Who's to say who hurts worse? No one.

Who's to say who's plan is the right plan? Who is to say it is even a "plan".

Maybe I am just broken and my body sucks.
Maybe its all science and has nothing to do with fate, God, saints or goddesses.
Maybe it  all  comes down to science, timing, and money.
Maybe I am not getting my BFP because I don't have enough faith.
Maybe my time is around the corner.
Maybe there is not such things as "my time".
Maybe my dad is right.
Maybe I need to find happiness and peace in whatever "his plan" is.

This is how I feel as of late.