Thursday, January 3, 2013

I used to think...

Well it's 2013 and I am still consumed with thoughts surrounding my infertility. Everyone keeps telling me that it will happen when I just give up trying and give it to God. Those people don't know me very well. I am a control freak; a spoiled brat. I want what I want when I want it!!! I used to think that if I wanted something and tried really hard to achieve it, if I thought about it all the time that I eventually would change it. Infertility has taught me that's not the case. This is one of those things that I have no control over. I need to learn to accept the fact that I will have a hard time getting pregnant, but that doesn't mean I won't get pregnant! Right?

I used to think that I wanted to jump right into IVF, since I failed at: Clomid, Femara, injections, IUI's and acupuncture treatments.But, this year already has me changing my mind. My husband and I made a decision at the beginning of this journey that we would NOT put ourselves so far into debt that we were miserable. But let me tell ya, if he wasn't so conscientious about money, I would have no problem spending my last penny in order to TRY and conceive. I want what I want when I want it, remember. It is a good thing he keeps me in check. I am grateful to have him and his smart financial sense.

I used to think  that I would never get pregnant without IVF, or fertility treatments.But now I am wondering if maybe, just maybe, with enough effort, and time, I could!? I know of a few people who tried and tried for 7-8 years to get pregnant. Some had insurance and a diagnosis; other's didn't. Some tried fertility treatments, others didn't. But, they ALL did conceive, eventually, one way or another.When it comes to conceiving there is never a guarantee; that is why children are so precious, they are the biggest gift God can give. For now, he gave me fur babies. Two very annoying dogs that we love to pieces. I used to think that getting pregnant was easy. Pfff, If I only I knew then what I know now.  

I used to think that not having a period was cool. Now, I get so upset if its longer that it is suppose to be. So, I thought birth control was the way to go when we took a break from treatments. Now, I want off it. IF there is a chance I could conceive I think it is silly to be on birth control pills! Since we are not doing IVF this year, I think we need to try on our own. It can't hurt, right?

"This year I will be stronger, braver, kinder. This year I will be fierce."

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