I am a huge multi-tasker and I do all of my duties well, so sometimes it gets me in trouble! What do I mean? I mean, the more I do and get done, the more sh*t I have to do! I guess it can be called "productivity". I will use that at the next interview I go to when they ask what my strong suits are.. "I am a bad ass productive multi-tasker!" (Ok, maybe not in so many words!)
Which reminds me! I got a call back for a second interview from Friday! The position is full time, with benefits, and vacation; but I am just not sure the position is for me. I am great with insurance, but I hate talking on the phone. The position is for a customer service representative for a small, self-funded, health insurance company. Right off the bat they told me that the schedule was not flexible, which was a turn off for both my husband and myself. I have a really great schedule right now; and the jobs not so bad either, even with the sh*t ton of laundry, and I am able to have Friday afternoons off and Mondays off! So, if we are in Eugene for treatment or need to go; we have that flexibility! Sometimes, you just have to push through the daily crap, go to work, do your job, and enjoy that moment when you get to clock out and go home! Home is my safe place.
Today I also started thinking about pregnancy tests. Ha! Welcome to the 2WW! I am DPO 3! I have not started imagining symptoms yet... though, I am sure that will come soon enough. I am still having a lot of pains on my left side, but then again, I have an enlarged left ovary, so maybe thats why! My last (+) OPK was CD 17. I guess we can call CD 16 or 17 my "O" day. I never know, its so confusing! I doubt that I ovulate this late, but maybe.
I know the consequences of conception. Anyone in the infertility world has to. Each and every pregnant woman risks miscarriage. Bearing children has no guarantee. My mother carried my brother full term before he died in the womb. My friend had twins at 28 weeks, they both survived. You. Just. Never. Know.
I know to some it sounds crazy; I am sure people who have been there will tell me differently, but after all this time of trying, I just want to know my body can work! Even if it is just part of the time, some times, at the worst of times, the best of times or every time in between; I just need it to work.
Even having experienced loss myself, (which was the most horrible and life altering thing I've ever been through), I can kind of understand what you're saying. I wouldn't have given up the 17 weeks I carried my son for all the world; he's the reason I'm still in this game and as determined as I am. And for as long as I keep getting positives, it gives me the sense there's some hope for me still.
ReplyDeleteI just really hope you get to experience that kind of hope, and the feeling that your body works in the way you need it...and that you'll get a happy ending with it too! Hang in there.
Thank you Sadie for understanding what I was saying. I would love to just KNOW that I CAN get pregnant. Right now, I am not too sure!
DeleteI get it, too. I obviously don't want to experience a loss, but I feel like there would be some comfort in finally knowing that I CAN get pregnant. *sigh* It's all so complicated.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love the ecard. I get the worst ovulation pains and always thought that was such a weird name for it.
I'm glad to see yours and others perspective, I would have thought that a false positive would be even more heartbreaking but I can see how it would give you hope. What is the B in BFP??
ReplyDeleteBIG! Big FAT POSITIVE... ;-)Some times, hope is all you got!
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