Saturday, September 14, 2013

The Bitch In My Head

One, after another, the waiting room filled with pregnant bellies and car seats. I sat in my chair trying to avoid eye contact with anyone and everyone. My eyes welled up and my lips started to quiver. I had to close my eyes and and pray to God that no one saw my tears or heard my sniffles.

At first, my heart broke and I felt empty. I sat in my chair, surrounded by beautiful pregnant women, babies and toddlers and all I felt was loneliness and sadness. It hurt to know that I was waiting in the room with an empty uterus and worthless ovaries. I felt bare that my hands weren't juggling diaper bags and car seats, lacking that my arms were not holding my toddler on my lap, and unfulfilled that my uterus was vacant. I felt alone and I felt hollow and so empty.


Then a little boy came in with his mom, or grandma, or whoever. I looked up at him sitting across the room, quietly reading a BoxCar Children book. He was so entranced in his reading that it made me smile. As I sat admiring his behavior, I was impressed with how well behaved he was and that he could continue to read as he walked, slowly, across the room to the front counter, where he stood, quietly and patiently, reading and waiting, for his mother (or whoever). They sat down directly in front of me and I noticed my heart starting to ache again.


Not only was this waiting room full of pregnant women who reminded me of what I am; infertile and empty, I sat in a waiting room full of children of different ages. They reminded that being an infertile not only meant that I was not carrying a baby, but that I may never get the chance to teach my son or daughter how to read or how to sit quietly and play with toys; I won't have people admiring my well- behaved children or even cringing at my ill-behaved children. Until now, I never really stopped to think about all the aspects of parenthood that I may not experience. As I continued to admire him I actually laughed out loud a little when he started making facial expressions as he changed the pages in his book. My mind was saying to him "You are such an adorable young man, I hope that my son is as well behaved as you are... if I ever have a son...."


I always think about what it would be like to conceive and carry a child; I've thought about how I wanted to have a pregnant belly and how I wanted to feel the baby move and see how Mike would react to the baby inside. It wasn't until today, watching that little boy, that I realized there is so much more we miss. We won't get to teach our child how to read, or manners, or responsibility. We won't get to watch our child grow up into the beautiful person we dreamed he/she would be. We won't get to see ourselves in someone else. Pregnancy is not parenthood; it's just the the start of so much more that we may never experience.


Just then a girl came around the corner with long blond hair and a tiny little belly bump. As I saw her face I thought Do I know her? And then it hit me... "Oh my- that's Jeneene- she married to Will. Yep, she married her cousin's ex-boyfriend, that is right! You were always a little snob.You're pregnant again, aren't you!? You already have one! Damnit! Damn you, Jeneene for being able to just get pregnant whenever you damn well please. DAMN YOU!!! Why you and not me? Whhhhyyyy!? I'm still trying for ONE! We've been trying for four years; didn't you JUST get married? Oh sh*t, please don't recognize me, please! I don't want to have to hear about your perfect life and how fat you feel. You. Bitch."


Yep, in my mind I was so mad and jealous that I considered her a bitch. I hated her in that moment; it felt like she was my enemy. In reality, I barely know her!


As they say, when one door closes, another one opens. Today, that phrase was not an inspirational metaphor. As Jeneene left the office, with her perfect little baby bump and her adorable little blond haired, blue eyed boy, a young Hispanic girl walked in ready to explode. She was 18 years old- tops- and was about to give birth any day, as she was picking up registration paperwork for the birthing center. Again, the bitch in my head spoke up "What the f*ck? You are like, 12 years old! How come you get to have a baby but not me? I bet the baby daddy is a jerk and not even around; if he was, why isn't he here with you, instead of your mom?! I wish I could wipe that smile off your damn face!"


She was followed by three full term pregnant women. Of course, two sat directly behind me. One of the three walked in with a little boy and her hand on her bump. The bitter infertile inside my head was saying "Lady, like we don't all know you are pregnant! It is obvious that we can see your perfect round belly; we don't need you placing a big flag on it! Don't worry, no one is mistaking your basketball baby bump for my muffin top!"


I felt surrounded. My heart started to pound and my throat got tight. I clenched my keys hard enough to cause pain. I was looking for a distraction. I wanted to scream. I could feel myself sinking deeper into my pity. I felt myself fill with hatred and envy. And then they called my name.


I told the medical assistant that it was cruel to leave an infertile in the waiting room for a half an hour, full of pregnant women and newborn babies (I was only half way serious) and she apologized. When my regular nurse came into see me, I busted into tears. She knew how hard it was for me to be surrounded by all this fertility. I knew she had no words that would make me feel better and I know that she knew that an "I'm sorry" just wasn't enough. I cried so hard I couldn't speak. I was hurting, I was mad, I was jealous, I was weak. I felt so defeated in that waiting room; I felt like a loser; I felt like everyone knew that I was broken.


Leaving that building was a huge relief! I felt like I had just escaped an angry mob or something; I could breathe again. In less than an hour I had experienced a wave of emotions; I was sad, happy, amazed, angry, jealous, defeated, broken, alone and empty. I called Mike, and immediately started to cry as he said "hello". I told him what had happened and I could hear the sadness in his voice. I could tell that he would have given me the biggest hug if he could but even he didn't have any words to say that would make the emptiness go away. I had to process this one on my own.


As I was reflecting on today's events prior to writing this post, I realized that obviously I am not a peace with my situation. I am not as accepting of this infertility card as well I thought. No, I don't really hate Jenenne or think she is a bitch because she is pregnant. Again. Of course, I would never say those things to the pregnant woman holding her baby bump or try to wipe a smile off another's face- God knows if I ever have a bump I will be touching it all the time and I would be grinning from ear to ear 24-7! Their pregnancies are not to blame for my infertility. It's not like the stork chose them over me... even though it sure does feel like it sometimes. But thankfully, feelings and reality are not the same thing.


Even though I am trying really hard to accept the fact that our lives my be child-free for a lot longer than we ever wanted, it isn't always easy. I have dark moments and sometimes, I have dark days. Today was one of them. I was angry. I felt really cheated after seeing so many pregnant women, and so many pregnant women who already had children. Not only did I feel cheated and robbed, I felt isolated and alone. I felt plagued.


Today proved that even though I say I am alright, this path isn't something I want to accept and I might always carry some jealousy in my back pocket that rears its ugly head when I see women or couples who have what we don't but, that is okay and as long as I don't carry the envy for long, I will be just fine. Jealously is a natural emotion; all humans experience it. Experiencing it from time to time is what we do. But letting it control me isn't what I do.


I will not deny that pregnant bellies are absolutely the cutest thing ever and no matter what pregnant women look like, or what they wear, or their age- if they get to sport a baby bump, they've got the best accessory ever; and I will always feel like a little stab in the gut when I see it. And that is okay.


**In my attempt to distract myself I also posted to Facebook; I was hoping some light sarcasm would help but, it didn't. What did help me though was this wonderful piece of advice from a reader....**


"'... draw a smiley face on your palm and when you feel overwhelmed, squeeze, that will be us behind you giving you strength when we cant be there in person."




*names have been changed*

30 comments:

  1. Well, I cried while reading this...I have been there so many times. I am so sorry you had to sit there in the midst of all those preggo bitches, cause that's what they are...smug bitches. (Kind of joking). This shit just doesn't get any easier, does it? Right when I'm feeling settled and am starting to accept what life is handing me I get a swift punch in the heart to bring me back to my misery. Sorry this happened to you. Sometimes a good cry (and maybe some screaming) is cathartic. Treat yourself real nice and make mike spoil you!

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    1. I was really surprised to see how hard it was for me. Most days I am fine! I can see baby bumps and babies and smile and feel a slight pain but that is about it. I wanted to share my experience today, honestly, because I know that I am not alone in having these thoughts and I wanted to make sure everyone knows that I have them too. They are just momentary, emotional, thoughts... I don't carry that kind of hate in me all the time! I feel better voicing it... thanks for being so supportive, friend!

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  2. Its good to know I'm not the only one with those thoughts, and thanks for being brave enough to share them.

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    1. I was scared to post it. Afraid to lose readers-- which in fact I did. But, that is A-OK with me. Some people don't like my honesty but this blog isn't for them... it's for me... and people like you who may feel alone. Thanks for being supportive and I can't wait to share you guest post!! Hugs!

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  3. I think we can all relate to these feelings. I dread going to the GYN for this very reason and the 9+ bulletin boards of baby pictures in the exam rooms. I was told my doc had a room w/no pictures in case someone was having active m/c or I guess for people like us. I asked about this room when I went for my last visit. I waited in the smaller waiting area only a minute or 2 before going to an exam room without any baby pictures. I believe I will be asking for that room for future visits as well!

    And I love advice of your reader is perfect! Love it!

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    1. I was sure to remind them that I don't want to be in the waiting room that long next time. I also heard of a GYN that only deal with women and NO babies or bumps! It is hard for us to see that when we are struggling. Hugs!

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  4. Ugh, I am sorry that you had such a tough time in there. We have all been in your shoes and can support and validate all of your feelings! I think it is totally normal and acceptable to go between feeling at peace and raging. It is so natural to feel the gamut of emotions multiple times in any given year, month week, or day! One day when I am president of the world, I am going to fix all these horrendous problems such as fertile challenged folks having to sit through that kind of torture.

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    1. I appreciate you validating my feelings instead of offering some sort of worthless advice. I am not a bitter person- I just had a biter moment. Thank you for not judging me based on that.

      HUGS! And you have my vote!!

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  5. I get it! My office space is on a floor of a women's hospital. I see growing bumps EVERYDAY. I even see the newly minted Mom's lined up in wheelchairs with their newborns in their arms....while waiting for their partners to drive around and pick them up. I can't help but to look at them with anger/sadness. But I don't know how to get away from it....

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    1. THANK you!! I know we all should be happy for them... but sometimes it is hard to be reminded of what we MAY NEVER have.

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  6. Wonderfully written! I think we've all been in this place at some point and/or will be there again at some point. I think you hit it on the head when you said infertility is not a path you want to accept. Amen sister. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you for supporting me through this! I was scared to post this- But I knew that others had felt the same way- so this is for all of us who are too afraid or ashamed to voice it.

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  7. This brought back the last 3 years for me. All the moments of watching other around me easily achieve what we were working so hard for. All the fear and doubt that ultimately lead to anger, bitterness and despair. Honestly, I can't imagine not being this way after being on this journey for so long. Even with acceptance, I don't think those feelings ever truly leave us (I still have them to this day, even though I am newly resolved).

    Thank you for so eloquently writing about your half-hour in the waiting room. To know that all of those feelings are shared by others makes me remember that I was not crazy and nor is anyone living with infertiliy/loss crazy either for feeling this way.

    Sending love to you today.

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    1. Cristy, thank you so much for this comment and for your support as well as for not judging me. I don't hate pregnant women... just in the moment, and it is more of my own self pity I think....

      I am happy to know that others have felt this way! And I am so happy that you are now a mommy!!

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  8. You actually lost readers because of this post? You're kidding. I think this is so incredibly well written and non offensive to anyone (except maybe Jeneene. Jk) you are absolutely right that we all have moments of jealousy, and of bitterness. Overall, you have a wonderful attitude toward everyone and can even appreciate the cute baby belly of others most of the time. You absolutely adore your nieces and nephews. You, my friend, are a wonderful person who had a bad day.

    Even myself, even now, I feel like I don't belong in the waiting room when I go to the OB and see all the very pregnant women. It is a strange place to be, one that you dream about getting to, but once you arrive, you also don't feel like you belong.

    This post makes it very obvious to me that you are not done! Your journey is not over. How you and Mike choose to proceed, well that is up to you, but I encourage you to fight for your dream until you have exhausted your resources. At that point, you will know you are truly done and its easier to accept, knowing that you have tried everything. Whatever you do, I support you 100% and will be here for you no matter what.

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    1. I believe I did lose a reader over this- or at least my outlook. It is okay. I need people who will support me through it all... good and bad. I need people like you! Who have felt what I have felt and who are not afraid to admit it.

      I don't think the feeling of inadequacy just disappears... we are all emotional drained and defensive when it comes to anything related to (in)fertility.

      I am not proud of the thoughts or convos I have in my head... but I have them and to deny that I do would be a blatant lie; something I am not very good at.

      Thank you so much, Amber for being here for me and my friend IRL! It is good to know that there are wonderful people like you in my life and in this community.

      HUGS!

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  9. This brought me to tears. I have spent hours in waiting rooms- often after a miscarriage- with pregnant bellies all around. And I have horrible thoughts about those women, too, even though I don't know them- or their stories- at all. It's hard not to. I certainly have no words of wisdom here... just empathy. Hugs to you... and hang in there.

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    1. Thank you so much for being honest and letting it be known that YOU TOO feel this way sometimes!

      Hugs back!

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  10. I remember those days! When I first went to the fertility clinic...that was my exact experience. It was horrible, I felt horrible and vulnerable and like a victim. It was just awful. I think we all know how harsh those emotions can be in those moments - and your ability to share them and realize those women are not necessarily what your hurt, lost and confused mind initially thought shows your maturity.

    Unfortunately it's just part of infertility (at least it is for me anyway). All those emotions are natural and we all have them on some level...it's just some people don't admit to them. You've shown courage to share your dark moments and if some people can't appreciate that, then it's their loss.

    When I had emergency surgery to remove the right part of my repro tract (due to fetility meds gone wrong), the gyn ward was full so I was put into "overflow". Which, for anyone like me who doesn't know what that means, was the maternity ward. While I was lying there mourning the loss of my only decent ovary, and the end of my fertility journey - I was listening to women give birth and hearing babies cries. It was awful.

    My heart goes out to you...these are some of the darker moments of infertility.

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    1. Thank you for appreciating my post. I am thankful that I have such great readers/friends who are here to support me when I feel doomed. It is nice to know that I am not alone and that I am able to put into words what others can't.

      Hugs!

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  11. Thank you so much for writing this! This summarizes oh so welll how I have felt at the OB's office too many times. It was specifically difficult after Jackson was born and I had to still go in. It can be one of the best places ever and one of the worst places ever. I pray that one day you will be able to experience it in all of it's beauty.

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  12. That sounds like an awful 30 minutes waiting for your appt. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I actually avoided going to an GYN after I moved to IL because I didn't want to go through a similar situation.

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  13. Please please please know thy you are my alone. I have been there- and have thought those same thoughts- and have felt those same things. You are not alone. We are in this together, my friend... And can share in all of the same feelings and thoughts... Even on those really, really dark days. XO

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  14. I understand how you feel. It seems like that every time I go to get a Beta drawn, even if I know I'm not pregnant, the chimes for another baby being born are played at the hospital where I have to get my blood draw done. Wishing I could get it done some place else.
    My RE office usually has some kids in it. Why?, I'm not sure. I could understand maybe at the OB/GYN but even there they ask you to not bring your children.

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  15. I definitely can relate. Some days are better than others. Some days we can handle the pregnant belly blows with ease and others we lose our shit- call people assholes.. cry... its natural. Right now I need to have my own personal bitch fest so I love the advice from your reader to draw a smiley face. Perfect advice!

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  16. I remember how I felt going to the OB for the appointment when he was going to tell us that there was nothing he could do for us. There were so many bellies and babies that day it was the hardest appointment ever. Big big hugs because I think we have all been there.

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  17. I so admire your honesty here. We've all had those moments. For me, it was sitting in my RE's office having a tech take my NON-HCG containing blood whilst her pregnant belly was thrust in my face. Boy did I have some colorful dialogue in my head then!

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  18. Your honesty in this post is so refreshing! Every infertile woman feels and thinks these things, but sometimes it's so hard to admit it, let along write it down. Thank you for being vulnerable and open. I started a blog as well for a place for me to document our journey and a place to vent when people "just don't get it!" :) It's important to have an outlet when you go through as much as we do! Hang in there and know you are not the only one who has had those thoughts!

    Ashley
    Man and Wife and Two Fur Babies

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  19. I know how you feel :( I work in a hospital outpatient pharmacy. We deliver prescriptions to patients' rooms before they leave, and we are often going to the ob floor. I hada miscarriage a couple years ago and it's still hard some days. Then, my husband just found out he has a genetic type of cancer that would insure our children would have at least a 90% chance of developing the same cancer. We decided it would be too irresponsible to have our own children - something that we have both wanted for as long as I cab remember. I had to tell my coworkers that I wasn't able to go up to the ob floor anymore because I always had those same awful thoughts you did. I hated seeing all these beautiful babies and their mommies with their "new mommy" glow. Hopefully we can both get to a place in our lives where we can rejoice with these women instead of cursing them behind their backs!

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