Sunday, September 15, 2013

Lean on Me

Yesterday's post was not an easy one for me to publish; I was really worried that I would be ridiculed for my thoughts and I was worried that I would offend my pregnant friends. However, I had little reason for that fear. The response you all provided me was amazing! Thank you for all the kind comments; you helped me understand that I am not a horrible person for having those dark thoughts and that I am not alone in having them either.

I did lose a couple followers after that post and that saddened me but then I realized that those are only a couple readers. My words and my blog are important to many more than that. This is my blog and I started it to help me down this path. I have to be as honest as I can here. Sadly, that means that I may offend some people and that is something I can not control. I can only hope that my honesty helps more than those I offend.

Losing the followers did sting a bit but what stung more is reading a post from a fellow blogger who was recently "evicted" from a "support group" for being negative and bitter. Reading her post made me heartsick. I don't know all the details but I know that the eviction was uncalled for and it made me think about what a good support group entails and how thankful I am to have readers who offer me so much support during my "moments".

Infertility is heartless disease or disorder. It doesn't care how you feel, what you want, or how badly you want it. I know that when I meet people of that character I feel bitter, angry and hurt towards them. So, why wouldn't I feel that way about something that is causing me so much grief? As you read in my previous post, I am bitter, at times. Am I a bitter woman? No. 

In order to support someone I believe that you must allow them to feel their way through things. I don't believe it is good to enable a person to dwell in the negativity or bitterness but it is good to allow them to feel it, voice it, and then offer a brighter view. Nothing infuriates me more than when someone tries to invalidate my feelings or who make me feel worse than I already do. I am not sure I know of anyone who enjoys feeling bitter, alone and jealous. So to ostracize them for having the courage to voice those feeling has to feel pretty damn shitty.

Which leads me to this: If you are going to support someone, then support them. Help them feel like they are not alone or that they are not a bad person for feeling that way. We ALL have felt moments, days, weeks, months or even years of complete failure and heartache. To say that we never get annoyed or jealous when we see people who have what we want, well, to me that is just a blatant lie.

I started my PI support group because I know what is it like to only be heard sometimes. I believe that in this struggle we need to be heard all the time. Good or bad. I wanted a place where all forms of infertility: the good, the bad, and the ugly are all welcome, supported and accepted. Of course, I have no intention of letting the group become a complete bitch fest but, I do want people to feel safe enough to voice their thoughts, comfortable enough to do so, and confident that they will get the simple "Hugs" or "thinking of you" comment to help them through the day.

Sometimes it's hard to express how we really feel. Some of us have a lot of pride and don't want to be seen as a "complainer" other's need help on learning how to process those feelings and the guilt that comes with them. Which is why I want to know that...

You can always lean on me.





25 comments:

  1. I am here! Up, down, backwards, sideways... It doesn't matter because I am here for you!

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    1. I love this reply! Thank you "Mrs. Lost" sometimes, that is all we need to hear to make those grey clouds disappear! The people who stop to listen and offer a simple hug are the ones that make the biggest difference in this community. We all want to be heard, understood, validated and HELPED!

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  2. I can't believe anyone would be offended by that post. I have the same thoughts and have never been able to write them out. If I could meet you in person, I'd shout, "RIGHT ON!"

    I'm even going to my RE for my annual "girlie" appointment because she never has pregnant women in the waiting room. My normal gyne always has a room filled with kids and expectant mothers.

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    1. Thanks,lady! I am glad to know more people appreciated my post than not!

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  3. I had to go back and read your post from yesterday, as I didn't recall it being controversial. I think most of us have had all those thoughts at one point in time. As your close to the staff, they may be able to have you wait in an empty exam room. We've done that for a few patients coming in for a follow up after a loss

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  4. Thank you for this post. How true... And YOU can always lean on me, too :).

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  5. Great blog! I agree! A support group needs to offer 100% support! You are a great person, Teresa! Don't let anyone make you feel any less than what you are, which is wonderful! :)

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    1. Thank you so much! For supporting me and having my back! BIG HUGS!

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  6. You should not be sorry for being you. No two people are the same in how they react to the same events. It should not be anything to punish anyone about well unless murder and mayhem ensue. Lol. I am here for you and thank you for being there for me. I hope the lost followers can find their way back within time. {{HUGS}}

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    1. Thanks, Heather! You are so great and I am happy to have connected with you!

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  7. It boggles my mind that you would lose any followers over that post. You even stated that you hate feeling that way and are not generally a bitter person, just had a bad moment, which we all have once in awhile! It does sting to lose followers, but you are so right when you say there are so many others that are here for you. I read the evicted post. That situation is a little mind boggling as well.

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    1. I read "somewhere" that my post just meant that I am unable to see that I am unhappy and bitter. Why do people feel the need to pass judgment? Comments like the one I just mentioned hurt and are hurtful! I am stunned by the past few events. Proof that you never really "know" someone.

      Thank you being so understanding and caring! I really appreciate you!

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  8. I think its their loss if they unfollowed you for a raw honest post. I once posted about having trouble not crying at a friends baby shower. I ultimately lost two friends because they read that post as me not being happy for them. Some people just dont know how to put themselves in your shoes.. they cant understand the emotions that come with infertility. Its unfair to pass judgement on emotions- especially raw emotion.

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    1. Thanks, Kasey! I think people refuse to admit that they too have had dark thoughts- but that is okay- it does NOT make us bad people!

      Hugs!

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  9. I think it is great that you are so honest! That is something I struggle with sometimes on my blog. I don't like to be controversial, but I like to read the truth when other people write it.

    hugs!

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    1. Thank you! I have to be honest with myself and now a days that includes the blogging world. I started this blog for me- so that I could document all the emotions that go along with this struggle-- because like we all know it is NOT roses, butterflies and rainbows all the time. There are times we are bitter, angry, annoyed and sad. The most important and mature thing to do is recognize those things and figure out a way to improve on them. Denying anything WON'T help!

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  10. I can't believe that you lost followers over your post. I'm really shocked, because when I felt lost and alone, reading blogs really helped me to understand that what I was feeling--whatever I was feeling--was okay. I read blogs where it felt like I could have written the post myself, and other blogs that opened my eyes to a completely different point of view. I never would have made it through this summer without knowing that I wasn't simply going crazy in a world of happy people.

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  11. The thing about infertility is, there can not be one person that is 100% okay that THIS is the hand they were dealt. And if there is, please tell me they aren't sane.

    You created this blog so you could be honest and share every emotion that this journey has created. If we can't be honest, then what can we be?

    I've been in that place and I give you so much credit for sharing. Thanks for being so open, it's nice to know I'm not alone in these thoughts.

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  12. One of the things I admire most about you is that you are honest and "real". You will always have my support <3

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    1. Kristen- thank you so much for supporting me and for always wishing Mike and I the best. You are so wonderful and I am so happy we've connected now- after all these years! BIG HUGS!

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  13. LOVE THIS...I totally agree, support means support. Even if we don't agree with a person's words, actions, opinions, whatever, a true friend still stands by them. I have friends that have made decisions I didn't agree with. While I tried to help them and offer my advice when asked, I also was sure to add that I was there for them no matter what.

    You have my support too!

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