Lean on Me

Yesterday's post was not an easy one for me to publish; I was really worried that I would be ridiculed for my thoughts and I was worried that I would offend my pregnant friends. However, I had little reason for that fear. The response you all provided me was amazing! Thank you for all the kind comments; you helped me understand that I am not a horrible person for having those dark thoughts and that I am not alone in having them either.

I did lose a couple followers after that post and that saddened me but then I realized that those are only a couple readers. My words and my blog are important to many more than that. This is my blog and I started it to help me down this path. I have to be as honest as I can here. Sadly, that means that I may offend some people and that is something I can not control. I can only hope that my honesty helps more than those I offend.

Losing the followers did sting a bit but what stung more is reading a post from a fellow blogger who was recently "evicted" from a "support group" for being negative and bitter. Reading her post made me heartsick. I don't know all the details but I know that the eviction was uncalled for and it made me think about what a good support group entails and how thankful I am to have readers who offer me so much support during my "moments".

Infertility is heartless disease or disorder. It doesn't care how you feel, what you want, or how badly you want it. I know that when I meet people of that character I feel bitter, angry and hurt towards them. So, why wouldn't I feel that way about something that is causing me so much grief? As you read in my previous post, I am bitter, at times. Am I a bitter woman? No. 

In order to support someone I believe that you must allow them to feel their way through things. I don't believe it is good to enable a person to dwell in the negativity or bitterness but it is good to allow them to feel it, voice it, and then offer a brighter view. Nothing infuriates me more than when someone tries to invalidate my feelings or who make me feel worse than I already do. I am not sure I know of anyone who enjoys feeling bitter, alone and jealous. So to ostracize them for having the courage to voice those feeling has to feel pretty damn shitty.

Which leads me to this: If you are going to support someone, then support them. Help them feel like they are not alone or that they are not a bad person for feeling that way. We ALL have felt moments, days, weeks, months or even years of complete failure and heartache. To say that we never get annoyed or jealous when we see people who have what we want, well, to me that is just a blatant lie.

I started my PI support group because I know what is it like to only be heard sometimes. I believe that in this struggle we need to be heard all the time. Good or bad. I wanted a place where all forms of infertility: the good, the bad, and the ugly are all welcome, supported and accepted. Of course, I have no intention of letting the group become a complete bitch fest but, I do want people to feel safe enough to voice their thoughts, comfortable enough to do so, and confident that they will get the simple "Hugs" or "thinking of you" comment to help them through the day.

Sometimes it's hard to express how we really feel. Some of us have a lot of pride and don't want to be seen as a "complainer" other's need help on learning how to process those feelings and the guilt that comes with them. Which is why I want to know that...

You can always lean on me.

Finding Purpose

For a long time I have felt like my life wasn't meaningful; like I wasted it away. I don't have a fancy college degree; although I am working slowly towards one. I don't have a high paying career, I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up; other than a mommy. To be honest, I hate working for other people and I get burnt out pretty easily.  It is not that I am lazy or that I am a quitter; because we all know that isn't true, just take a look at my TTC timeline, but I just get sick of doing the same thing without going anywhere. I want a job that I love, I want a job where I have purpose and meaning, a job where I can really make a difference.

Tonight at the dinner table I was telling my husband about all the things going on in the blogging world. I told him about all the of the new "likes" the blog's FB has gotten and how many new followers I have. I was telling him that I have encouraged a couple ladies to start blogging and I have done my best to lead people to them, I also expressed to him how wonderful it felt to be able to help others, as someone once helped me.

I jokingly said "I have a gift."
"Too bad that gift doesn't pay out" DH chuckles.

Then is dawns on me.

Maybe my purpose is not having this great paying job and fancy career. Maybe my purpose is this; to help those suffering, with nothing else but my compassion, love and sincerity. I mean, in reality, it is what makes me feel most alive and happy. I could settle for volunteering and helping others suffering with no problem at all. Money is not what makes me happy, touching lives is what makes me happy. Although, paychecks are nice, and of course they are necessary; they are not my purpose.

Growing up, my dad always told me I would be a great nurse because I am so compassionate and that I would also make a great lawyer because I like to argue and I can be pretty persuasive. I obviously didn't pursue those paths. Instead, I screwed around for too many years and did some pretty stupid stuff. 

Thankfully, those days are behind me now but they taught me valuable lessons. After I went through those things and over came them, I was confident I wanted to be a counselor of some sort. An addiction counselor specifically and I also wanted to help out in domestic violence shelters. My goal was to pay it forward. I wanted to help others as others helped me. If it were not for those people, I am not sure where I would be. 

The career path that pulls my heart strings isn't the most glamorous, or best paying, and I know it is not easy dealing with addicts, believe me, I know. But what if I am able to change a life? Even just one. Isn't that worth it?

I still wonder if I can do it, if I should do it. Do I have the skills to do it and will I thrive at it.

Is your purpose your passion or is your passion your purpose?

How did you find your purpose? Are you still looking for it?

Too many quotes? Sorry. I couldn't decide! ;-)