Sunday, June 30, 2013

All I Needed To Know I Learned on Vacation

While we were away on vacation I really "fell off the wagon". I took the advice of many and just relaxed and put TTC out of my mind. The entire week I was away I didn't chart my temps, I didn't take my meds and I didn't bother bringing OPKs with me. 

I am grateful that AF showed up when she did. Not only was my luteal phase right on; we were also able to really enjoy the time we had together. In the past we always seemed to be headed out of town near ovulation and I used to think that was the perfect time to "get it on", but now I am not too sure. This past week we were able to focus on us and the fun things we wanted to do with out the stress of TI.  Our vacation was a success and we were able to enjoy each other in an intimate fashion without any pressure,  just pure desire. It was the best sex we have had in a long time; we will both agree to that.

Now that we are home I have been contemplating whether or not I want to chart religiously, if I want to obsess over OPKs, if I want to force TI. I know that I have a hard time letting go of things; including things I never had control over in the first place. I have been so free of  worry and frustration this week but, I am not sure that feeling will stick around. I am about 5 days away from the time I should start testing for ovulation; Mike asked if I needed to get some tests while we were at the store the other day, instead of saying yes, I ponder the thought for a minute and said "No" and bolted out of the aisle before I could change my mind. I am not sure what I want to do.

A big part of me knows deep down that it will take a lot more than a positive OPK and perfect TI for us to conceive but, there is a small part of me that believes in miracles. The bigger part also tells me that since it will take a lot more that the norm, we should just stop worrying about it so much and just live. The small part of me says to do what I can until we are ready for IVF and Mike seems to be on board with that. He figures we can try and hope for the best. I keep telling myself that monitoring my cycles with BBT and OPKs will help me understand them better but, I have been doing that for 25 cycles now and I am still just as confused as ever and I am still not pregnant. There is always a dilemma with infertility, I swear!

This week also made me realize that I am married to a fantastic man who deals with my ups and downs with extreme patience and to a man who sees my pain before I feel it or express it. We spent some time talking about our life; the past, the present and the future. Even though we are no where close to "giving up" we are learning to accept the fact that we may never have children. Our life may be just what it is and we are okay with that, as long as we have one another.

If we never have children, I won't feel like my life isn't all that I want it to be. Today, my life is exactly what it is suppose to be; I am exactly where I need to be. I am sure seeing baby bumps will continue to hurt and I'm sure that I will still feel a sort of emptiness when I see a family of 3 (or more).  I am sure that I will still feel robbed as I hear the news of other's BFP but, I know that those feelings don't mean that I am unhappy or that I feel as though my life it not what I want it to be. It just means that the love we have for our unborn child will never go away nor will our desire to be parents.  I also know that the feelings of anger, bitterness, or envy, does not make me a bad person nor does it mean that I am insensitive or unhappy for others. It just means that I have a desire for a child and motherhood that runs deep.

This vacation also made me realize that it is okay to notice the freedom we have without children. I know that we spend so much of our time trying to figure out how to have kids that we don't spend enough time enjoying the alone time we have right now. It is okay to notice and appreciate how easy it is for us to do things with out children. It is okay to appreciate the peace and quite that we have. Being grateful for such things doesn't mean that we shouldn't have kids. Often times, I feel like because I want to be a mom and raise a child with my husband that I need to love all things about all kids all the time. That is not true. Right now I am a wife and I want to be able to focus on that while keeping hope that one day we will be parents.

I used to think that we were not ready to be parents. I thought that if we were not willing to put forth all of our energy, money and time, that we didn't want to be parents bad enough. I am sure there are people out there that probably do think that. However, I don't. My dream to be a mother will not die but, it will no longer take over my life. I have a wonderful family, a loving husband and a great dog, who at this time takes the place of a child. Those people deserve my attention and happiness, too; those people need me to be happy and present.

This ride we have been on has brought us closer to one another and it has taught us understanding. Infertility can either break or make a marriage and it is safe to say that while infertility might rob us of our dream to be parents but it won't rob us of the love we have for one another. Our love and commitment to each other is stronger than infertility.

There will come a day when I am back at the doctor's office, being poked and prodded too often, so for now I want to take some time to focus on the things and people I do have in my life. I want to leave the stress and worry at the door for a while. Does that mean I don't want to try? No. Does that mean we don't want to be parents bad enough? Hell no. 

For now, I will take it day by day. I am not sure how committed I will be to "trying" or monitoring, or not trying or not monitoring but, I will be committed to being happy and present. For a little while, at least.


40 comments:

  1. Teresa this post is just amazing. It just warms my heart at how wonderful you two (three, counting puppy) are together and you have such a mature view on all this IF nonsense. I'm so glad to hear you guys had a great time on vacation and had a chance for some non procreating intimacy. It must just be a breath of fresh air. Love you dear friend.

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    1. Thanks, friend! I noticed how I lost touch with everything else around me these past couple years. I know that IF will never leave my mind and that we won't ever stop wanting a child; but, this week was just a reminder of what I do have and how important true intimacy is. I missed having those hot steamy moments with my husband. It was nice to just be present with him and to enjoy the desire we had- and not doing it for a purpose...

      I am so happy for you right now! You are PUPO!!! And you are going to stay preggo!!!!!

      Love you and BIG hugs!!!

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    2. Ha! That acronym always cracks me up!

      I truly understand appreciating the great sex after the stress of TI. Mine came in the form of a hotel, a giant hot tub, and a bottle of wine. Heaven. And most people take it for granted.

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  2. I'm so glad you had a great time on your vacation! It sounds so refreshing!

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  3. This IF can be so mind consuming, and it will drive you crazy if you let it. I feel the same as you :) I'm at that place as well and you never know, the relaxation might be just what is needed.

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    1. I will never stop hoping for a child but I can't let it consume me. I have to live my life.... I would think that my unborn child would want me to.

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  4. I love this post! I'm so glad that you were able to have fun and relax on your vacation and that it was able to help you to reflect everything. xoxo

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    1. Reflect we did. A lot. I am so blessed to be where I am today. I need to recognize that more often!

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  5. I'm glad you had a nice relaxing vacation! Being committed and happy in the present is a great place to be!

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    1. I agree! I have been feeling really good as of late!

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  6. Love it all! Funny how vacation can give you such perspective. I remember feeling this way when we were forced to take all of last summer(and a bit more)off from TTC. With insurance changing we were forced to just stop and smell the roses. Bravo for you!

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    1. I do go back and forth a daily... but at the end of the day- I have a husband to kiss goodnight and dog to pat. I dream of my baby... but live with my family.

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  7. Wow Teresa. I am so happy for you that you've come to this realization. I can just imagine the peace of mind this brings to you and your husband. <3 xoxo

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    1. So much peace! Of course we still talk about our next steps but the argument is gone.

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  8. I was so happy to read this post from you. Isn't it amazing what a little fun time away can do for a person? I mean it is not often us IFers get to have enjoyable sex with not feet in the air or kegals to keep the liquid gold put, sorry couldn't resist.

    Seriously though, I am so very happy you are in a better place right now. You will know in your heart what the next step is and when to do it.

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    1. LOL! For sure! We actually MADE OUT like little high school kids on the beach. It was HOT HOT HOT... (sexy hot not temp hot). I can't remember the last time I kissed my husband that much for that long.

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    2. Beach lovin' is the best :) lol

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  9. Sounds like you had a refreshing vacay!! So glad to hear :)

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  10. We've finally learned to embrace our freedom too...(while we have it) I'm glad you are in a good place right now my friend :)

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    1. Yay! It feels good to be in charge. I still think of our unborn baby and my desire to be a mom... but yesterday I actually embraced someone else's baby- it felt great to hold her but it didn't kill me!

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  11. I know things are different with PCOS so I don't know if this is going to be helpful, but once I threw away the temping every morning and OPKs, our sex life did get better. Honestly, I just looked for egg white CM and made sure that we had sex around that time. Of course it didn't get us pregnant (only IVF did that), but the sex was certainly more fun!

    I'm glad you had such a nice vacation!

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    1. I don't get EWCM often... but I am pretty in tune to my body these days. I am having side pains and that leads to ovulation, for me. I am just not sure when ovulation will happen! But I am confident that I am and will ovulate on my own.... that is all we need for a miracle, since his SA is STELLAR!

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  12. It's so hard right? Actively TTC is like a full time job. When we were trying (I'm currently benched and awaiting surgery)I was so consumed by my OPKs, FF chart and TTC in general that I almost felt like I wasn't living my life. *sigh* I wish I had some advice but unfortunately I don't, I fell into the very same trap.

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    1. I erased my FF temps- and stopped temping. I have only taken one OPK and it was negative. I haven't tested since... I am trying to not think about it as much as I can.

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  13. I'm glad your vacation was relaxing! It's hard to truly step away from attc. I hope you make a decision that not only you can live with, but won't drive you bat shit cray cray.

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    1. Thanks! AS of now, I am comfortable with my decision to relax a bit. I feel pretty good and I am confident my body is doing what I need it to!

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  14. You know, there are so many who travel this path who fail to learn from this experience. It's assumed that it was simply a dark period and getting pregnant will cure them of their woes. Yet too often, these same people go on to be unhappy in life. They fail to learn what you talk about here.

    This post is filled with a lot of wisdom and safe words. The reality is, conquering infertility doesn't happen from bringing home a baby; it happens when we learn to find happiness in the dark moments, refuse to sacrifice ourselves and our loved ones for an ideal and simply chose to live. And that's what you're doing.

    I can't tell you what lies ahead on your journey. But what I can assure you is that if you continue to live these words, you will be far richer in life and fulfilled. And though I hope that at this end of this journey you are holding your children, please know that in my eyes you are conquering infertility.

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    1. First off: this comment was so great that I shared it on my blogs FB page. Thank you!

      You made me feel so good and empowered. I may be infertile but I am also so much more than that. I don't want to focus all my energy and attention into something I don't have... while I ignore or take for granted the thing I DO have.

      My baby will always be in my heart, mind and dreams... until one day he/she is in my arms. For now... I am choosing to be present with the people I have now; for one day, they may be gone.

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  15. Sounds like you used your vacation to the best effect. Finding a time to connect and love your husband in a way you just can't while TI is the best.

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    1. For sure! We did lots of talking, laughing, hand holding and making out. It was great!

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  16. So glad that you have such a supportive husband who is in-tune to you. Funny that you mention the freedoms of not having children yet, because that's been on my mind a lot lately...something I wrote about in my last post.

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    1. So in tune that it is scary! He knows me so well.

      I forget how easy it is to pick up the house, do laundry, run errands, or go on vacation with out kiddos... It really was a stress free vacation... after we have kids... I am not sure how many of those we will get.... so we have decide to make the best of it and appreciate our alone adult time! But, that does not mean we don't want to spend our time or lives changing diaper and picking up toys at some point ;-)

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  17. This is such a wonderful post. Sometimes stepping back is the best medicine for what ails us. I'm glad your time away gave you some perspective. Hugs...

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    1. Hugs back! We really did connect in so many ways. It was a great time and really made us reflect.

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  18. Wow, this post was so uplifting to read. I really needed to hear some of those affirmations right now, especially since my husband and I will not be able to try for the next couple of months due to an upcoming surgery. Even though the waiting is oh so hard, I've also been enjoying the time away from ttc, which has made me feel a little guilty. I realized reading your post that I felt guilty because I was letting myself think that maybe some of that relief meant I don't "deserve" to be a mom right now anyway. But as you so eloquently pointed out, that feeling of unworthiness is far from true.

    I also love your affirmations about your life and your love with your husband being enough even if the future doesn't hold that much longed for family. I love your claim that "We are stronger than infertility." Thanks again for the post, I will keep reading!

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    1. Hi Annie! Thank you for the wonderful comment! I shared it with my DH.

      I thought that if I enjoyed our alone time to commented on how nice it was; that I wasn't ready to be a mom and that is just not true.

      We can't spend each waking moment thinking about what we don't have... because we will forget what we do have.

      I hope to see more comments from you and I started following your blog now, too!

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  19. I'm so glad you had this opportunity to just relax and enjoy each other. It's nice to be able to take the time (vacation) to remind us of what we do have to be thankful for. I'm so glad you have such a loving and patient husband in your life.

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