“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” ~ C.S. Lewis
Saturday I received a message from a fellow infertile and friend that her first IUI had failed. Her period greeted her while she was away from home just a couple days before she was going to take a HPT. Her message broke my heart. She not only had to deal with the let down of the failed cycle but, she also just found out that her close friend had gotten a BFP after a few months of trying. Talk about a double whammy.
After I shared the situation with my husband I let the tears fall. He gently reached over and grabbed my hand as I tried to explain why I was upset. At first, I didn't think he would understand, but surprisingly enough, he did. He too understood the pain. I forget sometimes that he is in this battle with me. He knows that these women I tell him about mean a lot to me and he knows that it is easy for me to hurt for them.
Even though it wasn't my period that started; her let down was my let down. That's what happens when I hold people close to me; I care so much about them that their triumphs are my triumphs, their sorrows are my sorrows, their joys my joys. There's no separation for me. My best friend has always told me that I try and take care of others before myself; she says that I try to take on their burdens as my own. She is right, I do. I wish I had a magic wand that could remove the pain from all the ones close to me. Especially the ones who are currently in the same boat that I am.
I know how deeply my infertile friends hurt when the cycle fails because I have felt that pain 40 times over as well. I know what it feels like to have your stomach drop at the sight of AF or a negative test, no matter how expected it was. I know the pain, anger, grief and helplessness my infertile friends feel when expensive treatments prove unsuccessful. I know what it's like to be bitter, envious, cold, and at times, mean, when others get a BFP. I know what it's like to want to stay in bed, get shit faced drunk, and throw in the towel when AF shows up. Believe me, I know!
We share so many raw emotions and details with one another about our journeys to parenthood in this blogging world, that I find it is easy to build a bond with many of the women I have "met" even from behind the screen. Many of them know more about our infertility struggle, not only because I share more of our personal and private details with them, but because they too, are going through the same things; they know more because they can identify full heartedly.
Infertility has brought so much pain, suffering and debt to my life but it has also blessed me with the opportunity to meet some amazing, strong, selfless, loving women. While I wish I never had to go through infertility (obviously), I will always value the relationships I've built because of it. I will forever cherish the friendships and lessons I've learned in the past 3 years. Infertility has left me with so much more than just heartache and an empty womb. It has left me with an amazing amount of support, love, and friendships, and it has blessed me with a great deal of compassion.