Emails

Oh my! I am sorry for posting twice today!! But, I wanted to share with you the email between my nurse and myself.

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Hi Sharon,

I called Saturday morning to see if my P4 was in. I guess it was really low at .98. Dr Austin wants me to re-check it on Wed or Thurs of this week. Since the IUI, my temp went back down to 97.18, but today it was 97.90. I know this is silly but is there a chance I could have ovulated this far out from the trigger? Or is it the progesterone that makes my temp spike? I know it is hard to say for sure without labs.

What a frustrating cycle, again! Geesh! 

Hope you had a nice weekend! 

Thank you!
Teresa

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 Hi Teresa,

I have to say that I just don’t know.  I’ve been speculating about this and my best thought is that you ovulated earlier however this is not supported by a cycle starting, which with a low progesterone level like that I would expect.  The temperature will usually spike just before ovulation and then stay elevated until either conception happens or no conception and you start a cycle.  

I spoke with Sue last week regarding your cycle and she said that IVF is recommended however if you elect to do another injectable cycle or you decide to do more Femara with an ultrasound we really want to see you here for those.  (as you said in your last e-mail).  I don’t know how much of a difference this will make but it may be helpful for us to follow it.

Also, Dr. Austin reviewed Mike’s semen analysis and it’s entirely normal.

I wish I had a better answer for you!

Sharon

 *********

  

So, now we get to make a decision. I really hate it when they give me options. I am never good at making a choice; just ask my husband. I can't even pick an item off the menu with confidence! 

Who Knows!

Reluctantly, I have been charting my BBT. I thought that if I just stuck with it, I would see a pattern. I don't. It doesn't matter how you slice it, I don't understand my charts. I am sure the meds don't help one bit.

I thought that I could see the spike at ovulation after the trigger shot, on CD 15, but then the temperature dipped after that and has remained low. Today, CD 20, it was back up to "post-ovulation" temps and I am having ovary pains as well as increased cervical mucus. I know that elevated progesterone will cause an increase of temperature. It will be easier to understand these symptoms once I have my second P4 drawn. If it comes back elevated than we can assume ovulation did occur and hopefully right before the IUI since the corpus luteum was visible at the US.

Looking back in my journals, I see that after ovulation was recorded, I continued to have ovary pains and increased cervical mucus; along with back pain. I really feel the left ovary most of the time, the doctor says that is because a) it is a little larger than the right and b) the ovaries swell during ovulation. So, I am sure that explains that. I don't feel much on the right. But, man the left ovary feels like it is twisted. I don't know how else to describe it.

I took a HPT to see if the HCG was still in my system, yesterday. It was 6dptrigger, and 5dpiui, the hormone was gone; the test was negative. I have to say that I was surprised to see that it was metabolized so quickly. I have heard that the HCG could last up to 12 days in the urine. I guess it is a good thing that it is gone because now we know that any test from here on out should be accurate.

I don't have a strong feeling one way or another about this cycle. I am trying to remain hopeful and positive. I also know that if this cycle fails, we get to move on. I know that no matter what, I have my husband and my Zoie; they make me happy, and right now, all I need to is be happy.

Scatch That

Update on IUI #3 and other stuff.

I called my doctor today for my P4 results, since I never heard from them Thursday or Friday; don't they know it is not nice to keep us waiting? Geesh!

Anyway. Get this... My P4 was .98. Yes, POINT. NINE. EIGHT. That is a non-ovulatory number. That means I didn't ovulate too long before my IUI, if at all! So, I get have to have another blood test done in a week. I am praying that I had JUST ovulated since the ultrasound on Monday showed a 20.4mm follicle and the ultrasound on Wednesday showed a "corpus luteum". With any luck, by next week my P4 will show a good number. Hopefully, the egg was just released and that is why my number is so low the day of the IUI. I guess all we can do at this point is HOPE. 

I am trying to keep myself busy and not think about it too much. With the awesome weather lately it has been pretty easy to do (for the most part). I have been taking Zoie down to the river not far from my house. It is so peaceful and beautiful. I am happy that I stumbled upon it. I wish Zoie liked to swim but she doesn't. She will go up to her belly and then she turns around.  She prefers to run up and down the trail and occasionally she will stop for drink of water or to greet a passer by-er. 

Zoie waiting for me to catch up

Deschutes River at Tumalo

Fork in the river

We are also working on our back yard. It was kind of a sore subject there for a while. My husband decided to tear up my yard one day while I was at work. We had two dogs at one  point and the "puppy", who was a 13 month old Weimaraner, named Hans, destroyed everything in sight, including my washing machine and my back yard! Needless to say, he is no longer our dog.  After he was gone, Mike then decide that he was tired of watering and mowing the lawn, so he ripped it all up and thought he was going to leave the dirt and plant some dry climate plants; "all natural" he called it. Well, that was not going to fly with me. I need  want grass. After much research and many discussions we came to an agreement he gave in. We are putting the grass back! We are also going to put in 2 raised garden beds on one side and flowers and plants on the other side. We brought in rock to border the fence in hopes of keeping Zoie from kicking the bark all over when she runs up the fence line (bad habit, I know!). It is going to be a work in progress for a bit, but hopefully we can get it done before summer!

The beginning

Clean slate

This rock border

I have to mention NIAW before I go. This week has been so amazing. I am so thankful for all of the new followers and Facebook "likes" on the blogs page. NIAW has really brought some great resources and information to the public. I have received some really amazing comments and emails. It just reaffirms that what I am doing here really does make a difference. I think a summary of this week deserves a post of its own.

For now, I have to get ready for a surprise 40th birthday party!

Hugs.

IUI #3

First off, what a gorgeous day! The weather was fantastic here in Bend and in Eugene! Our drive over the pass was quick and easy. Gotta love that! We had great conversations on the way over. It is always nice to spend uninterrupted one on one time with each other. We talked about the usual stuff: work, political crap, vacations, and parenthood. But this time we also talked about how well he thought he would do having to masturbate in a doctor's office instead of at home. He confidently said that it was not going to be a problem. And low and behold it wasn't!

We got to the clinic a little early; we were asked to be there at noon. Shortly after we go there the nurse called Mike back. I smiled at him and chuckled and away he went. I sat in the waiting room nervous for him. It was only 10 minutes later that I heard the bathroom door open and out he came. Grinning from ear to ear (for a few reasons I am sure). The nurse directed us to come back in an hour. 

Once we got out of the door I high fived him! He thought he was in there longer than he was so he was surprised to see that we were in and out within 20 minutes! To celebrate his performance we went to do a little shopping at Cabella's. He deserved it!

We got back to the clinic shortly before 1pm and were taken back with out much of a wait. The poor NP didn't have a voice and Mike forgot his hearing aids. So I had to repeat everything to him! She was sweet; I have never met her before. She came in with Mike's sperm count and it was freaking fantastic! 

Here are the results:

When I talked to the nurse on Tuesday she said that we might do another follicle check to see if the endometrium really was only at 4mm before we do the IUI. However, when I got there they were already set up for the IUI. After a few minutes of discussing the cycle with the NP she decided that we would go ahead with the it and then we would do the ultrasound afterwards. She said that she has seen numerous pregnancy occur with thin lining. That was not a real concern of hers. 

After the IUI, which was relatively painless, but somewhat crampy, we went down the hall and into the ultrasound room. She checked the lining and it was actually just under 10mm! She was very pleased with it. Then she decided that she would check my ovaries. The right side had my usual cyst from my PCOS and no follicles worth mentioning, but we knew that. When she got to the left side; the side with the 20.4mm follicle, she couldn't find it! My heart sank. I knew this was not the news we wanted. I could hear it in her voice. She decided to go get Dr.A to have him look at it. He came in an took another look. He said my lining was "beautiful" and he said that I had a beautiful corpus luteum, maybe two. Oh, SHIT! We messed up the timing. AGAIN! The follicle had ruptured. I had ovulated before the IUI.

Dr. Austin requested that we run a progesterone blood test to make sure that was in fact the case. We should have those results tomorrow or Friday. He thinks that we should be okay with the timed intercourse prior and with the IUI. So, now, we just wait and see. I asked him before we were all done what he suggested happen next. Of course, he leans toward IVF. He says it is hard to tell why I am not getting pregnant, other than timing. There is a good chance that I could have less that optimal eggs or that we produce bad embryos and the only way to say for sure is through IVF. After we expressed our understanding as well as our concerns he told us that they would be willing to "carry a bill" for our IVF. That made me feel good. IVF is usually a "payment upfront" kinda deal.

I came home, put on my sweats, went out to the living room, and stood at Mike's chair. He looked up, asked me what was up, and I broke down. I cried, and told him how sad I am and that my body was dumb. That I failed, again. He got up, pulled me close and said: "Please don't put yourself down. You can be sad, but please don't say things like that." He hugged me tight and whispered "This is not your fault. Don't give up! I love you". I am reminded in times like this how much strength he gives me. "I love you, too, Spanky" I laughed.

So there you have it. That is how my third IUI went.  Let the dreadful 2WW begin! 

Keep the prayers coming! 

Why Do You Advocate?

Someone recently asked me "Why do you advocate for infertility? What do you hope to get out of it? 

The question was not meant to cause friction as it was not asked out of rudeness but rather curiosity. Having someone ask me those questions proves that speaking out truly does make a difference. Why else would someone ask that? It's easy: They want to know! If I never spoke up about my infertility they wouldn't be curious!

I advocate for infertility just as people advocate for: peace, for safer gun laws, autism, or cancer; to bring awareness and information to the public about a cause that they are passionate about. While I understand that not everyone is passionate about infertility and some believe that infertility is not a disease; I am and I do. The argument of whether or not infertility is a disease always goes back to cancer. They argue that cancer can kill you; infertility can't. In my opinion, either way, both things are not choices, they are not inconveniences, and while one might actually kill you, they both hurt, they can both be crippling. Any illness, disease or disorder need to be spoken about and they all need to be taken seriously. In my opinion, if alcoholism is a disease so is infertility.

I advocate for infertility so people will stop saying "relax, it will happen", "it might be God's will". It is not okay to trivialize infertility. You would never tell a cancer patient that it was God's will that they are sick. You would never tell them to "relax". 

I advocate for infertility so that someday, we may also get the same compassion as other diseases. I understand that sometimes finding the right things to say to those who are suffering can be a challenge. I hope that by helping people become better educated we will hear less of the "default" condolences and start hearing more compassionate and knowledgeable responses. 

I advocate for infertility for those that can't. For those who are too afraid to talk about it. I advocate so that they can hear my story and hopefully: feel less alone, less isolated, less ashamed and less broken. I share my story so that one day they may have the courage to speak out. The more people that suffer in silence, the longer is takes for people to understand that infertility is a real disorder (if you don't want to call it a disease). Being infertile does not mean we are too uptight, or trying too hard, or that we are paying for past mistakes. Infertility means we have a biological issue that won't allow us to reproduce and it hurts in ways you may never see. It attacks your spirit, your faith, your drive. It can be debilitating for some.

I advocate for infertility so that my state and all other states will have to implement infertility coverage into insurance plans. Our bodies are meant to reproduce and if it can't then there is a medical issue at hand. Plain and simple. I believe that just as the "pre-exsisiting"clause should be removed so should the denial of infertility diagnosis, treatments and monitoring. Again, this is a medical issue not an inconvenience. I have medical insurance to cover my medical issues! I advocate for the right to build my family!

I advocate for infertility so that I may help mothers, parents,  pregnant women, become more aware of the gift they are given. I might, in some way, help them become better mothers. People take for granted what they have when they don't realize how desperately others are fighting for it.We are all guilty of it. I don't think that makes us bad people. It just makes us unaware. I advocate to help raise awareness. Children are a blessing. A gift. Cherish them. Some of us are fighting the fight of our lives to have them.

"One person with passion is better than 40 who are merely interested"~ Tom Connellan

I advocate because I am infertile. 

I advocate because I have passion.

I advocate for me.

I advocate for you.

I advocate for us.

My Follicle Check

Today I went in for my CD 13 follicle ultrasound. I was feeling extremely confident prior to my appointment but afterwards left something to be desired. I was hoping to hear that I have several nice size follies and stellar lining, however, that was not the case. Once I was in the room, situated in my stir-ups and flashing my lucky socks, the doc came in and placed his trusty dildo cam inside my vagina. Yes, I just said that.

The ultrasound machine and dildo cam

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence I told my OB he being was awfully quite. His response is "so are your ovaries". Errr! That is not what I want to hear. Now dig that dildo cam in there further, surely you missed something! I mean, I brought BOTH my lucky socks, damnit! Okay, so I didn't say any of that but I sure as hell was thinking it!

I couldn't choose so I brought them both!

With persistence he found my right ovary, but, it was empty. My left ovary showed a 20.4mm follicle; the biggest one to date. With every bit of good news comes the bad. My lining was only at 4mm. Usually the endometruim lining should be at a 7mm or 8mm for ovulation.

A 'not very good photo' of my thin lining

Once we were all done I called my RE and gave them the update. Apparently they are not overly concerned with the thin lining at this point. They have instructed me to trigger tonight and to come over the mountain on Wednesday for an IUI and SA. We will have another follicle check prior to the IUI to check the lining. If the lining looks good we will go ahead with it, otherwise, we will stick with TI.

The trigger shot

I was feeling really good about this cycle before my appointment. Afterwards I went into a poopie mood. I realized that I do really well at the start of a cycle but when I don't get the news I was hoping for; which seems to be more often than not in this journey, I go into a depression, if you will. It is almost like being positive sets me up for failure.  It's a catch 22.

I asked my husband how he felt about this cycle and his response was "I feel good. I feel good about every cycle. You have to be positive." Man, he amazes me. He is my rock for sure!

Join the Movement... I did!

Four years ago I met the man of my dreams. Three years ago we decided we wanted to start a family. Today, we are still barren and fighting infertility.

In the past three years we have been through ups and downs, laughter and tears, desperation and contentment.

We have felt isolated and included, forgotten and remembered, tested and safe.

We have become stronger and more connected than ever.

Through it all one thing remains constant; the love and support we have received from loved ones and from complete strangers. Support from infertiles and fertile myrtles, from people who understand the desire to be a parent and from those who desire a life child-free. I am forever grateful for the endless support, prayers and love.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. NIAW is a week dedicated to bringing information about infertility to the public created by Resolve. Every year they have a theme. This year the theme is 'Join The Movement'.  

  This is how I have joined the movement. 

I started my blog in December of last year after a few months of resting between treatments. The blog was meant to be a way for me to process and grieve. It was a place for me to document my thoughts, feelings, doubts and fears as we struggled to conceive. Little did I know that I would gain so much more that that!

I have noticed that since I started this blog I have had fewer dark days. I am able to see the bright side of this battle. I am able to see that I am not alone and that my disease, the disease of PCOS, and infertility is not as uncommon as many believe.

I remember when we first started our treatments. I remember the 4 or 5 rounds of Clomid. I remember the horrible side effects. I remember fighting with my husband over timed intercourse. I remember feeling so broken and alone and desperate.

I don't feel that way anymore. I am not alone and while my body might be broken, and Clomid still sucks, I am not broken enough to be defeated. And I am most definitely NOT alone

This blog has helped me to reach out, connect and share my story. 

I am a very open person and I find that to be a gift. I am able to share my thoughts, fears and hopes with the world. Some people who are fighting the same battle are unable to speak out. Infertility is a sensitive subject for so many of us; it is a very painful one. It affects more than just your ability to conceive. Infertility plays tricks on you. It will make you mean, angry, jealous and bitter. I know that I have a hard time dealing with pregnancy announcements and baby bump updates. It is not that I am angry or unhappy for them, it is that my pain is so strong that their happiness reminds me of something I may never have. 

 In my attempts to find peace in this journey I strive to touch the lives of others; including those who are not battling infertility.  I not only started this blog, but I started a Facebook page for this blog. I try to keep the public, friends, and family updated with informational articles and touching stories. I advocate for the infertile community.

I don't want to be defined as "infertile", even if that is what I am. I want to be defined as inspirational and motivating and strong.

I have committed myself to being an advocate for infertility today, tomorrow and always. There may come a day when I get to join the "Mommy Group" and if/when that day comes, I promise to never forget where it was that I started. I will promise to advocate for infertility as I do for those battling domestic violence. I promise to all my infertile sisters and brothers, that I will fight for you. I will speak up and out about the struggles we face. It is not an inconvenience; it is a reproductive disorder. 



You can join us in the movement! 

You don't have to start a blog, you don't have to understand the ins and outs on infertility. You don't have to understand my abbreviations. You just have to care.

Here are some simple ways you can help bring awareness to the world this week:

Change your cover photo to one of these great images for the week:

 http://theinfertilityvoice.com/niaw-2013/

OR 

Post a photo like this on your timeline

It really IS that simple!

For more information on infertility please visit:

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

Just Checking In AND Happy ICLW

It has been a week and one day since my surgery. I am still a tad sore when sitting directly on my bum and I would like to be able to wear jeans but unfortunately the seam hits in the wrong spot, but other than that I am with out pain and recovering fine!

Today is CD 11 and I have been testing for ovulation since CD 8. I have decided to spare you all the over sharing of photos. I figure it is still early so why bother. I am, however, feeling my ovaries at work. Looking back at my notebook I seem to feel these pains starting around this time in previous months. I may be a day off on my cycle since the bleeding was early and short lived. I am pretty sure that I actually started the Femara on CD 4 instead of 3, but the RE wanted to me to start in on the 3rd day without the BCP. Either way, I don't think it will make that big of a difference. Do you?

I have a follicle check on Monday, CD 13, to see what we are working with. I am hoping to see a couple follicles maturing and some super good lining. In the past we have done all of our IUIs and monitoring here, in Bend, with my OB but this time our RE has requested that we come over the mountain and have the IUI and SA done in their office. So, we will. It will be a reason to get out of town! I was worried that Mike would have a hard time giving a sample in the office but he said it wouldn't be a problem. I trust his confidence. We have decided that if I do have good follicles, ovulate well and if he has a good SA then there is no reason why we can't keep trying this route a little longer. I mean, it could happen!

If not; if we don't get pregnant, we are in a good place emotionally and physically. I am still content with the decision we have made to hold off on more aggressive treatments for a little while. I am still feeling calm and more in touch with my faith. I have had several really good, informative, and open conversation with my Dad about our faith that proved to be really helpful and bonding. I even tried going to confession. While I still can't say I agree with all of the religious beliefs, I do find peace in it, and that makes it all worth it.

On another note-
I want to say how happy I am that the horror in Boston is now over. I watched the news all week as the story was unfolding. We have friends that live 2 blocks away from the finish line and my older sister qualified for the Boston Marathon in Eugene this year. I am grateful that our friends were inside, and that my sister decided that one marathon was good and didn't enter for Boston; many others were not so lucky. My prayers are with everyone injured, with those who lost their lives, and their families, and all who were traumatized by the horrific actions of two very sick individuals. It saddens me that people are filled with so much hate that they think it is okay to kill innocent people. Watching all of the people risk their lives to save others restored my faith in humanity and made me very proud to be an American.



I am a huge Yankee fan- I loved this image. 

OH! ICLW is here once again! This is my third time participating and I look forward to it each time! I am look forward to finding new blogs, the giving and receiving comments and the new friends! If you are new to my blog and want to know all about our journey you can find the break down in my TTC Timeline tab and How We Got Here tab at the top of the blog. Happy commenting!!

Surgery, Birthday, New Cycle, OH MY!

Hello, bloggy friends! I hope this post finds you all doing well. Even though I may be slacking on the commenting, I want you to know that I am reading your blogs! Life has been a bit outta sorts here for a few days, and I am finally getting back to "normal".

I had my surgery on Friday. It was a frustrating day for me to be totally honest. My surgery was scheduled for 2pm. I was not allowed to eat past midnight on Thursday, and since I wake up so early, not being able to eat for that long was difficult. I got to the surgery center at 1pm and did not get wheeled into surgery until 3:30pm! I will admit that I did throw a bit of a tantrum in the office. I made sure that they knew I was HUNGRY and that I was scheduled at 2pm and that I had been waiting now for over an hour. I scolded them for overbooking surgeries; my time is important as well. They knew that I was emotional and hungry, so they handled my rant with grace. But jeez, what a wait! I know that things happen in surgery and I did apologize for being a brat. 

Soon after that, they took me back to pre-op. The nurse had a hard time finding veins since I was so lethargic. She actually bent the catheter in my left wrist at first and had to move to my right arm. Once I got an IV and some fluids in me, I felt better! While I was waiting for them to take me back to surgery I sent some time staring that the curtain and I started laughing because the design seriously looked like it was covered in sperm. I told Mike "you know you have been in the infertility world too long when what is suppose to be leaves looks like swimming sperm!" He laughed and agreed.

Check it out...

Sperm Curtain- Fertility is haunting me!

Obligatory Pre-Surgery  Photo

The surgery itself took about 40 minutes and the recovery nurses said I was the best patient they had. They said I was so fun and smiley. My first question was "Oh Gosh, what did I say?" I have a habit of saying weird stuff coming out of anesthesia. Mike laughed when they said that because I started out the worst patient but ended as the favorite. I swear, I do have two personalities! I was worried that I would have a wound left open that Mike would have had to clean and dress daily, but the doctor was able to sew it up! That was so great to hear because last time I had this done the "dressing"  of the wound was the WORST part!!

I am on the road to recovery and have my follow up on the 30th. Mike said the doctor was going to give me some tips on how to shave my ass to prevent this form happening again. How effin embarrASSing! UGH!

*************

Today, my husband turns 38! I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man. Each day he brings me so much joy, laughter and frustration (lol). He has taught me to be a better person and for that I am eternally grateful. We are just kinda hanging out today. Miami Heat is on right now and since he is a huge HEAT fan he will be glued to the TV for a bit. For gifts, Zoie and I got got him a few t-shirts, a massage and a gift certificate to a Fly shop he likes. Later tonight we will go to dinner; anywhere he wants! I made him yummy peanut butter balls for his birthday dessert, they don't look that great, but they are dangerously delicious!
 

36th birthday celebration  in Vegas

Chocolate Peanut Butter Balls <--- click for the recipe

*************

Last night I started my 6th cycle of Femara. I started spotting on the evening of the 9th and continue to do so. I stopped my BCP on the 11th as directed by my RE's office. Once I had a full flow I was to start the Femara on CD 3 (as usual). However, after the one day of "heavy" spotting, it really lightened up. I was completely confused with this, so I called the RE. He said that I was fine to start them even though my flow was not normal; but since I had been on the BCP my uterus and ovaries should be nice and clean. They thought it would be best to start the Femara on the third full day without BCP and that was last night! 

I was a bit hesitant to start them since my cycle seems off and since the pills were $130.00, but I took the plunge and down the hatch went 7.5 mg! I have a follicle check scheduled for CD 12 on the 22nd at 10:30am! I am excited to see what my ovaries are doing. I will have 2-3 U/S that week and if all looks good then we will proceed with the last IUI of the year. We will re-evaluate more aggressive treatments in the fall. But after this cycle we are going to "give it to God", try naturally, enjoy life, each other and the summer and spend some time re-grouping and saving. Hopefully though, this IS OUR cycle!!!

Well friends, that is about all the sitting my bum can handle for the moment! Have a great day!

Hugs!

The "Plan" Goes Down in Flames

I have been dreading this post. Only because I was embarrassed. Embarrassed to update you, in fear of looking like an emotional basket case who can't get things in order. Sounds silly, right? Right. I realize that life happens and that's something I can't control, therefore, I should not be embarrassed to tell you that after I posted Last Night things immediately changed. 

Literally, the day after we had a plan, I got a call with the estimate for my upcoming surgery. It is going to cost us a few (five) thousand dollars (or more). We had strategically planned out the events for the upcoming cycles based on what we had left in our HRA fund and on our "fertility" card.  We had just enough to get us through a few unmonitored cycles paired with IUIs until the HRA was reset in August. That is no longer the case. The surgery center, unlike the hospital, requires that you pay your estimated portion upon arrival or sign up for Care Credit. Since we don't want to accumulate more credit/debt, we have to sacrifice fertility treatments until this fall.

At first, I was really upset. I wasn't mad, as much as I was disappointed; but after about twenty minutes I was fine. I realized that for the past 3 years I have been racing to get pregnant and maybe these road blocks are signs that I need to slow down, "relax" and focus on something else. As much as I hate hearing "you have time", it is true. We have some time. 

I used to think that if we didn't try cycle after cycle after cycle that we would ruin our chances and now I understand that is not the case. I actually ovulate better after rest cycles. We have spent the last year and a half fighting to get pregnant instead of enjoying our newlywedness (I made that word up!). Maybe this is the time for us to slow down, back off, "relax", and just be married and in love, or maybe I am just trying to convince myself of that. Either way, it sounds good. ;-)

If I was getting BFP's then I might consider trying and trying and trying, but I am not. I am getting nothing. I am getting BFNs over and over. So, if something is not working why keep trying? I feel like we need to regroup and take some time for ourselves. 

"Taking a break" does not mean "giving up".

Every time we have a plan set too far in advance, and we hit a road block, I am torn to pieces and that just isn't healthy. So, for now, we are not going to "plan" too far into the future; we are going to take it cycle by cycle and day by day.

Since I am currently spotting on CD 25, we know that the next cycle is about to start, so we are going ahead (partially) with the plan for this month. 

The plan will be as follows: Stop BCP tomorrow. Pick up Femara. Expect AF on Friday. Start Femara (7.5mg) on CD3. Start OPKs on CD 10. Test two, maybe three, times a day, like a mad woman. Take photos of all OPKs to compare. Post daily. Once I get a positive OPK call to schedule IUI for the next day. Try a little TI; with a sore bum, and pray to the God(s) for a BFP!

After that, all I can say is...

Dear Teresa

I was cleaning up my bookshelf when I came across my baby book. Inside, I found a letter my mom wrote to me.

 A mother's love really is a beautiful thing. 

Dear Teresa,    

I have finally gotten around to writing to you in your book. You are going to be 3 in a couple of months and so I'd say it's about time. Your daddy and I were so happy and excited when it was finally time to go to the hospital to have you. We were also kind of nervous and worried because when I had Timothy the good Lord decided he wanted to keep him in heaven. But then Dr. Andresen said you were ok, but that you did have a knot in the end of the cord. It could have been a bad thing, but God wanted you here, with us.  We were so very happy. We named you after daddy's gramma. He loves her very much and has a lot of great memories of him growing up around her. Your middle name is after my gramma. I have a lot of beautiful memories about her when I was little.

You are such a smart little girl. You are so much fun to have around. You can be such a clown, and when you talk you use your hands and eyes to express yourself you are precious. Of course, there are times when you are a #1 brat! Like the other day when you cut Patricia's hair because you thought it was too long.

I will do my best to make you be a beautiful lady when you grow up. So there's going to be times when you won't like me, but I hope you will always love me and respect me. I will do anything I can for you whenever you need me. I enjoy everyday I spend with you. You are my special Teresa and I love you so very much. Keep smiling dear.

I love you so very much.

Love,

Mom

Dated- 10/26/84



My beautiful mother



(Yes, they changed the spelling of my name!)



A Letter to My Non-IF Friends

Dear Friends,

Recently, after a long, emotional and much needed conversation with my sister, I realized that I owe many of you an apology. I may have made some of you feel unappreciated. I am sorry if in my comments about "things to say or not to say to infertiles" I offended any of you. As much as hearing things like "just relax", "I know it will happen", "give it to God", or "God has a plan", make me cringe, it is not right to disregard those words of advice or encouragement from you. I should never get upset, or annoyed over it; or at you. I think deep down I envy you. I envy the ability you have to remain hopeful and optimistic.

It is natural, I think, for people to try to encourage others in times of despair. I think there are "defaults" we tend to use as well when we don't really know what to say. I know that I am guilty of telling someone who is in a difficult place that "things will be okay", and I know now that those words may have really pissed them off, but I had to remain positive for them. I can't say that I knew one way or the other how things would turn out, but I felt like I had to show them that I cared, and that I held onto the hope that they were lacking. Maybe when you say those things to me you are also helping yourself believe. I know that our journey is painful for you too. You love us. You want us to achieve our dream. You want us to be parents. So, to trivialize your words of encouragement is unfair of me because I know you are grieving as well.

Many of you, like my sister, who have not been where I am, who may not know exactly what we are going through, say those things to reach out and to show support. I am wrong for ever making you feel that it is not appreciated. I don't want you to be scared to encourage me, or afraid to keep me positive. I need you to keep me positive. We all know that I have days when I am anything but optimistic, and it is comforting to know that you are willing to stay hopeful for me. For us.

I don't want to push you away. I want you to be involved in our journey and I want you to remain as positive as ever. I need you to, because this journey will, at times, rip all the positive attitude I have away in an instant; but you can keep me going.

Jody Earle wrote a letter to her friends and I think it is so eloquently written. She helps explain the feelings that infertiles face, she explains what we need from you, and reasons why we need you. I don't want our relationship to be based on a script, but I thought that the letter might help you to understand why some things hurt to hear more than others. Maybe this letter can help you understand better than I can.

I love you all. I want you to be able to support me, to talk to me, and to ask me questions without fear. I promise to cherish your words and appreciate your concern from here on out.

Thank you. 
Teresa

Last Night

Last night DH and I "planned" out the next steps.

I have surgery on the 12th and I was worried that it would interfere with our next cycle. When I called my RE office I was reassured that as long as it was not a invasive surgery I should be just fine to move forward. She also said that while we can do IUI if we choose, it is not necessary since DH had a normal SA. With that being said, she did said that they would recommend IUI after 3-4 failed cycles.

When I told DH what she said we decided to do IUI. We have done 5 cycles of Femara without IUI,  so it is now time to pair the treatments together. Hopefully we won't need to do it several times, but we agreed to try it 2-3 more times and then that's it. If after all that we are still not pregnant then we will move away from oral meds and injections and onto more aggressive (and expensive) treatment. In 2014, if we are not pregnant we will pursue IVF. I won't lie, though. IVF scares me. It is so expensive and there is no guarantee. Plus, I worry that I may have bad eggs. But, from what I hear, the only way know how good/bad my eggs are in through the IVF procedure. So, this is something we need to do.

I am happy and content with this plan.

We are not done trying until we have tried it all.

Settle Down

Holy emotions! Jeez! But, then again, I welcome them! These are good emotions; I feel like I am making some progress: personally, spiritually and physically. Although, I do blame BCP for contributing to some of the unexpected emotional outbursts.

I'll tell you what I mean by that.

Yesterday when I was in town I saw this handsome pit bull in the back of some guys truck. I am a huge softy  for pitties. I just love them to pieces.This dog just looked so happy, he had this gentle look about him and was just chilling in the back of the truck like a good dog. He must have gotten a bath or got to play in the water because he was wet. Anyway, as the truck passed the dog seemed to look at me and all of a sudden  my eyes got all teary and I started smiling. I was so happy to see, what appeared to be a sweet dog. Ya, that was definitely related to the BCP!

Then, after that I saw the "Little Caesar" lady out waving her sign, playing her guitar, dancing all around and I got all glossy eyed again! I just loved her happiness; her I don't give a f*ck who thinks I look goofy attitude! Kudos to her.  Here. Check out what I mean, she's even made it to YouTube!

Now, tell me that didn't make you smile. ;-)



Finally, on my way home this song came on by Phillip Phillips that made me think about my journey through IF. Because, you, know, IF never really leaves my mind. The first time I heard it though, it reminded me of my DH. It just goes to show that music really can change meanings depending on your mood or situation.

This song  made me think of how I may, deep down, know what my calling is in this life and its just a matter of excepting and pursuing it. I have been through some shit, and I am starting to think that by going through all of these struggles I have gained the empathy I need to follow my dreams of being a counselor or advocate.

Then the song started to make me think that maybe DH and I need to talk more about adoption. Maybe my struggles in all of this will make me a great mom to a child who needs a home. Maybe my child is meant to come to me instead of from me.

Today, on Katie, she had a show on adoption and the theme song was the same one I heard in the car. Ironic, don't you think?

This child that I want so badly has saved my life and is helping me find my purpose. This child I don't have, but can only imagine having, makes me want to be a better person. One day, this child I have dreamt of for so long will find a home in my arms.

It may not be the way we imagined, but we are open to all possibilities.

"Settle down,  It will all be clear..."

 Today was also day #1 of my diet changes. I am making a better effort to take care of myself physically. I reactivated my 'myfitnesspal' account and logged my food! I made it the whole day without caffeine, candy, or junk food! I even took advantage of the awesome day by taking Zoie on a walk. Yay me!