Dear Friends,
Recently, after a long, emotional and much needed conversation with my sister, I realized that I owe many of you an apology. I may have made some of you feel unappreciated. I am sorry if in my comments about "things to say or not to say to infertiles" I offended any of you. As much as hearing things like "just relax", "I know it will happen", "give it to God", or "God has a plan", make me cringe, it is not right to disregard those words of advice or encouragement from you. I should never get upset, or annoyed over it; or at you. I think deep down I envy you. I envy the ability you have to remain hopeful and optimistic.
It is natural, I think, for people to try to encourage others in times of despair. I think there are "defaults" we tend to use as well when we don't really know what to say. I know that I am guilty of telling someone who is in a difficult place that "things will be okay", and I know now that those words may have really pissed them off, but I had to remain positive for them. I can't say that I knew one way or the other how things would turn out, but I felt like I had to show them that I cared, and that I held onto the hope that they were lacking. Maybe when you say those things to me you are also helping yourself believe. I know that our journey is painful for you too. You love us. You want us to achieve our dream. You want us to be parents. So, to trivialize your words of encouragement is unfair of me because I know you are grieving as well.
Many of you, like my sister, who have not been where I am, who may not know exactly what we are going through, say those things to reach out and to show support. I am wrong for ever making you feel that it is not appreciated. I don't want you to be scared to encourage me, or afraid to keep me positive. I need you to keep me positive. We all know that I have days when I am anything but optimistic, and it is comforting to know that you are willing to stay hopeful for me. For us.
I don't want to push you away. I want you to be involved in our journey and I want you to remain as positive as ever. I need you to, because this journey will, at times, rip all the positive attitude I have away in an instant; but you can keep me going.
Jody Earle wrote a letter to her friends and I think it is so eloquently written. She helps explain the feelings that infertiles face, she explains what we need from you, and reasons why we need you. I don't want our relationship to be based on a script, but I thought that the letter might help you to understand why some things hurt to hear more than others. Maybe this letter can help you understand better than I can.
I love you all. I want you to be able to support me, to talk to me, and to ask me questions without fear. I promise to cherish your words and appreciate your concern from here on out.
Thank you.
Teresa
Today my sister told me that after browsing my Pinterest boards she was no longer talking to me about PCOS or baby making related topics. She said it is like walking on eggshells. She doesn't know what she can or can't say to me about it.
Boy, is she right. Well, kind of. Not really. But, maybe a little.
It's not that it's a "touchy" subject, it is just that people who are not educated on the two topics tend to give the right advice at the wrong time. I know that expressions like "it will happen" or "don't worry" are positive and meant to be inspiring, but when said at the wrong time those three simple words cut like a knife. I can't speak for all people battling infertility or PCOS, but I can speak for myself, and when I hear those words I find myself wanting to shake the person while crying out "NOOOOO, it won't! It's NOT that easy!". People who battle with infertility usually have been fighting to get pregnant for months, even years! So, even if it may happen, we don't want to wait anymore, we want to be pregnant NOW! Don't take my disgust with the phrases personally. It's not personal. It's infertility frustration.
Please, don't get me wrong. Each day I am grateful that I have so many people in my life who are rooting for us, and who are trying to keep us positive. I can't imagine what it would be like to feel all alone in this battle. I am glad I won't ever have to experience that empty, deserted feeling.
I hope deep down my friends and family know that. I hope they know that I appreciate their cheers, prayers, and hopes, that they send our way daily.
Going through infertility and PCOS is a hard, painful road. I am sure that some where on this road we will find our child. It just won't be easy.
I told my sister that there are things to say and things not to say. She told me that I needed to make sure I posted those things on my updates, so people knew what they were allowed to say.
My sister.
She is funny.
I love her wit, and her smart ass sense of humor. I can always count on her for a laugh. I know that if I really needed a shoulder to cry on, she would be there. She might be there cracking jokes, but I know she would be right there. I know that deep down, she understands this suffering I am going through, and I bet she would wish it away if she could, even if she won't admit it. Right, Sis? ( I know you will read this!)
So, in short here are a list of things you can/should say:
"I admire your strength"
"I can't imagine how difficult, frustrating, upsetting this must be for you"
"Any child will be lucky to have you as parents"
"We love you"
"It's okay to feel hurt, or upset"
"Don't give up"
"So does the doc have your whoo hoo memorized?"
"You inspire me"
Things NOT to say:
"It will happen, just relax"
"Go to church"
"Pray"
"Just go on vacation and get drunk"
"Are you sure you want kids, you can have mine"
"Let nature"
"A friend of mine once...."
DON'T SAY THIS either....
A guy came into our office the other day and we started talking about fertility- not sure why. He told me that I needed to
have my cards read. He said that he and his wife were having problems
too, so they had a reading done and one card said they needed to "fertilize"
the earth. So... he said he went outside and did his biz on the ground
and that month she was pregnant. WTF. First off, I don't want to hear
that, or see you gesture "doing your biz", second... its gonna take a
lot more than a card reading to get me pregnant.
You get the point?
