The World Keeps Turning

You guys, it feels like I have lost my writing mojo. I have been literally sitting at this blank white screen rough draft (and watching the football game) for over a half an hour now for over two weeks. Every time I start a sentence I delete it. When did writing on my blog get so difficult? It's not like I don't have things to write about because I do. I used to write on this blog like it was my daily journal; thoughts and feelings used to flow so easily, but now I feel like I have to pry them out of me and when I do, it all just sounds so stupid.

The last time we were in the doctor's office for (in)fertility reasons was in April. We have not been consumed with anything related to fertility; we haven't been counting cycle days, charting temps, or spending bathroom breaks testing ovulation sticks. We do still (sometimes) talk about having kids; all the stuff we've tried and haven't tried, but it is just part of random conversation now- not motive.

I am still here reading your posts and checking in on all of you; even if I don't comment like I should. I'm not gonna lie though, I feel so detached from my infertile life and friends right now. It's been along time since we have really tried to get pregnant that sometimes when I read your posts or Facebook feeds I become overwhelmed-- like I can't relate anymore.

Some days it really does feel like we have been left behind to suffer alone in the bitter battle of infertility, and other days it feels as though we were meant to be the "child-free" couple that we are. Infertility is a catch 22; while we are able to do whatever we want, whenever we want, we have to face the fact that a lot of our friendships are going to change and some may even grow apart. The more time that passes the more I realize I may never relate to friends who have kids and they may not be able to relate to us any more, either.

I mentioned to someone the other day that it seems as though life only changes when you are the one on the outside looking in. There are times it feels like our lives have stayed the same (even though they haven't) while all of our friend's lives seem to be growing and expanding; we watch the children of our loved ones evolve from dreams to growing realities; the infants are becoming toddlers and toddlers are becoming teens and the only thing changing in this house is Zoie's our waistlines.

Even though infertility is painful and dream crushing- I hope that our story might be able to be the light in someone else's darkness. I hope that I can encourage other women (and or men) to find happiness in the life they do have; to seek the sweet in the sour. Life is not perfect, but some times the most painful experiences can lead us to beautiful transformations.

I don't believe that our battle with infertility is ending in defeat; I believe our story is continuing on with strength, determination and hope -- and I believe that time can help lessen the pain of our wounds.

That is all I have for now..... if I keep trying to add on to this post I will never post it.

P.S. I haven't written on the new blog yet but you can find me here...
http://ourlifeslemonade.blogspot.com/

Settle Down

Holy emotions! Jeez! But, then again, I welcome them! These are good emotions; I feel like I am making some progress: personally, spiritually and physically. Although, I do blame BCP for contributing to some of the unexpected emotional outbursts.

I'll tell you what I mean by that.

Yesterday when I was in town I saw this handsome pit bull in the back of some guys truck. I am a huge softy  for pitties. I just love them to pieces.This dog just looked so happy, he had this gentle look about him and was just chilling in the back of the truck like a good dog. He must have gotten a bath or got to play in the water because he was wet. Anyway, as the truck passed the dog seemed to look at me and all of a sudden  my eyes got all teary and I started smiling. I was so happy to see, what appeared to be a sweet dog. Ya, that was definitely related to the BCP!

Then, after that I saw the "Little Caesar" lady out waving her sign, playing her guitar, dancing all around and I got all glossy eyed again! I just loved her happiness; her I don't give a f*ck who thinks I look goofy attitude! Kudos to her.  Here. Check out what I mean, she's even made it to YouTube!

Now, tell me that didn't make you smile. ;-)



Finally, on my way home this song came on by Phillip Phillips that made me think about my journey through IF. Because, you, know, IF never really leaves my mind. The first time I heard it though, it reminded me of my DH. It just goes to show that music really can change meanings depending on your mood or situation.

This song  made me think of how I may, deep down, know what my calling is in this life and its just a matter of excepting and pursuing it. I have been through some shit, and I am starting to think that by going through all of these struggles I have gained the empathy I need to follow my dreams of being a counselor or advocate.

Then the song started to make me think that maybe DH and I need to talk more about adoption. Maybe my struggles in all of this will make me a great mom to a child who needs a home. Maybe my child is meant to come to me instead of from me.

Today, on Katie, she had a show on adoption and the theme song was the same one I heard in the car. Ironic, don't you think?

This child that I want so badly has saved my life and is helping me find my purpose. This child I don't have, but can only imagine having, makes me want to be a better person. One day, this child I have dreamt of for so long will find a home in my arms.

It may not be the way we imagined, but we are open to all possibilities.

"Settle down,  It will all be clear..."

 Today was also day #1 of my diet changes. I am making a better effort to take care of myself physically. I reactivated my 'myfitnesspal' account and logged my food! I made it the whole day without caffeine, candy, or junk food! I even took advantage of the awesome day by taking Zoie on a walk. Yay me!

What can you say?

Today my sister told me that after browsing my Pinterest boards she was no longer talking to me about PCOS or baby making related topics. She said it is like walking on eggshells. She doesn't know what she can or can't say to me about it.

Boy, is she right. Well, kind of. Not really. But, maybe a little.

It's not that it's a "touchy" subject, it is just that people who are not educated on the two topics tend to give the right advice at the wrong time. I  know that expressions like "it will happen" or "don't worry" are positive and meant to be inspiring, but when said at the wrong time those three simple words cut like a knife. I can't speak for all people battling infertility or PCOS, but I can speak for myself, and when I hear those words I find myself wanting to shake the person while crying out "NOOOOO, it won't! It's NOT that easy!".  People who battle with infertility usually have been fighting to get pregnant for months, even years!  So, even if it may happen, we don't want to wait anymore, we want to be pregnant NOW! Don't take my disgust with the phrases personally. It's not personal. It's infertility frustration.

Please, don't get me wrong. Each day I am grateful that I have so many people in my life who are rooting for us, and who are trying to keep us positive. I can't imagine what it would be like to feel all alone in this battle. I am glad I won't ever have to experience that empty, deserted feeling.

I hope deep down my friends and family know that. I hope they know that I appreciate their cheers, prayers, and hopes, that they send our way daily. 

Going through infertility and PCOS is a hard, painful road. I am sure that some where on this road we will find our child. It just won't be easy.

I told my sister that there are things to say and things not to say. She told me that I needed to make sure I posted those things on my updates, so people knew what they were allowed to say.

My sister.

She is funny.

I love her wit, and her smart ass sense of humor. I can always count on her for a laugh. I know that if I really needed a shoulder to cry on, she would be there. She might be there cracking jokes, but I know she would be right there. I know that deep down, she understands this suffering I am going through, and I bet she would wish it away if she could, even if she won't admit it. Right, Sis? ( I know you will read this!)

So, in short here are a list of things you can/should say:
"I admire your strength"
"I can't imagine how difficult, frustrating, upsetting this must be for you"
"Any child will be lucky to have you as parents"
"We love you"
"It's okay to feel hurt, or upset"
"Don't give up"
"So does the doc have your whoo hoo memorized?"
"You inspire me"

Things NOT to say:
"It will happen, just relax"
"Go to church"
"Pray"
"Just go on vacation and get drunk"
"Are you sure you want kids, you can have mine"
"Let nature"
"A friend of mine once...."

DON'T SAY THIS either.... 
A guy came into our office the other day and we started talking about fertility- not sure why.  He told me that I needed to have my cards read. He said that he and his wife were having problems too, so they had a reading done and one card said they needed to "fertilize" the earth. So... he said he went outside and did his biz on the ground and that month she was pregnant. WTF. First off, I don't want to hear that, or see you gesture "doing your biz", second... its gonna take a lot more than a card reading to get me pregnant.

You get the point?