Thursday, August 29, 2013

Guest Blogger: The Other Woman

I received this post from a fellow blogger that wishes to remain anonymous as they are not ready to tell friends and family of their own that they are going to start trying for a baby. I appreciate the honesty she brings to this post. I hope you do, too.

The Other Woman

I'm the woman you hate. Fertile Myrtle. Pregnant four times in my late teens and in my early twenties.  Unmarried teenage welfare mother who didn't deserve to be so lucky while you are a solid couple, stable in your career and financially able to raise a child.

My children are now almost grown: 16 and 21.  I have long left the addictive dysfunctional relationship that spawned these two great kids.  At 24, I was done with childbirth I thought. I never wanted more than two, now I had one of each, a boy and a girl.  I persuaded my doctor to tie my tubes when my daughter was born - “Cut, Tie & Cauterize!” I told him, “make sure those puppies don't come undone or let any future swimmers swim past”. After two illegitimate births and four unintended pregnancies he didn't put up much of an argument, though he did ask the perfunctory questions of “what if you meet someone else someday who wants kids” or “what if something happens to one of your children?”  Simple I thought, you can't just replace a child with another, and whether I met someone who wanted kids didn't matter, because I didn't.  Raising kids on your own is not easy and to be perfectly honest, I don't regret getting my tubes tied.  Because of my ease of getting pregnant, even while using birth control, I know I would have gotten knocked up again, probably by another of the loser alcoholics I seemed to attract.

But, now I am 40 1/2 and nearly 2 years ago I met my future husband.  We are now the solid couple, career stable and financially able.  He's 3 years old than me and has never had children, though he's coached kids in sports for many years.  He will be a great dad.  When we met, I was upfront with not being able to have, nor want, more children and he was okay with that.  He had reached a point in his life where he figured he would probably not have them.  Now, as I approach peri-menopause, and my children are leaving home to start their own lives,I have baby fever.  It's now or never; those eggs are drying up.  For a while, I figured I would just wait for grandbabies.  Then an odd thing happened on the way to adulthood - both my children are gay.  This doesn't mean, of course, that they will never have children, but it will be a long time coming.  My future hubby and I had a discussion last week and decided we would not pursue having a baby together, we were getting older, this was our time together to travel to do what we wanted, etc. etc.  But, I kept thinking about it, I saw babies everywhere, my mind obsessed on this thing I couldn't let go.  So, I told him I changed my mind.  The huge grin and the tearing up of his eyes confirmed that this is our path.  We are now beginning the process of getting my tubes reversed.  It's not definite yet, we don't know about my egg reserve, or his fertility, or the condition of my tubes.  If it's not possible, we will accept that and embrace what we have together.  

For those of you struggling to conceive your first child, I do understand the desire and some of the heartache you must feel.  I know you may view me as selfish or greedy, and I'm sorry.

27 comments:

  1. I don't think you're selfish or greedy. Our lives take turns that we don't necessarily expect, so wanting to have a child with a man that makes you happy isn't selfish. I hope that your journey to your baby is short and easy. Thank you for this post.

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    1. I agree, Aislinn. I don't think that it's selfish at all. I think it is great that this author has found a love worth extending.

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    2. Great comment Aislinn, couldn't have said it better myself!

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  2. I wish you all the luck in the world in following your dream. I haven't had a child yet, but I completely get how not being able to have any wanted child is deeply painful. Good luck!!

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  3. I don't think you are selfish at all. Everyone is different, they make their decisions based on how they feel at the time and there is nothing wrong with that. I actually find your honesty very refreshing if I am honest and I wish you luck on your journey :)

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  4. thank you for all the good thoughts & positive feedback on my post :) as an update, we just learned today that pending the SA, the reversal surgery is scheduled for Sept 26th

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  5. I don't think it is selfish in any way either. Life happens. I wish you the best of luck. Keep us updated if possible. I would like to know how it goes.

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  6. I am an infertile woman and an abortion provider. I know for many their fertility is a burden, and I've seen many cases where it feels it's just as unfair. Thanks for sharing your story, and know we don't hate you. Annoyed at the Universe, yes. Life handles us all different types of challenges and struggles, it's all about his you manage them. You must be so proud of your children and I'm so happy that you found what sounds like the love of your life. Best wishes to you both!

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  7. Totally unselfish! Even in our darkest moments, infertile women aren't asking fertile women not to have kids… that's just crazy. If infertility hadn't intersected my life at the ripe old age of 25, I would have gone on to have 5 kids… at least that was the plan. I wouldn't have been selfish for doing so; I would simply have lived my life the way I dreamed and planned. I think all the infertile woman ever asks of the fertile woman is this: recognize that you are blessed.
    Good luck with your surgery! Wishing you the very best!

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  8. Best of luck to you and kudos to you for your honesty. Not all stories of infertility are alike and each new one opens our minds and hearts. I wish you all the luck in the world to have that baby you and your new husband now want!

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  9. I don't think it is selfish at all. I know I for sure wish I would have made different decisions in my younger days and there is nothing I can do about that now. I just try to make the right choices now and continue to pray for us to have a baby one of these days :) Good luck to you on your path to having a child together and thank you for sharing your story.

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  10. Wow, what a great post. You most certainly are not selfish, and I wish you all the best for your reversal! What an interesting story. I wish you and your husband the best and that a little baby comes out of this!

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  11. Not selfish at all! We all change our minds about things, and this is your path, no judgements. Thank you for sharing!

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  12. Not selfish at all... just a beautiful statement about the unpredictability of life. Best wishes...

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  13. It's refreshing that you took the time to acknowledge all of us infertiles. Thanks for your honesty... it's appreciated more than you know.

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  14. "So, I told him I changed my mind. The huge grin and the tearing up of his eyes confirmed that this is our path. "

    I really loved this part. It made me tear up. This is going to sound weird, but knowing that a man wants to be a Dad so bad is so sweet...

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  15. You are most definitely not selfish or greedy. You are simply at a different place in your life right now! Your children are already (mostly) grown and you've finally met the man you plan to spend the rest of your life with. Most of us are not exactly the same person we were 5 years ago, let alone 15 or 20 years ago. It's natural to want different things at this point, and better to figure that out now before its too late! Good luck!

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  16. I echo the sentiments of everyone else - you're not selfish. If anything, your decision is the exact opposite. You're attempting to give your boyfriend the one thing he obviously wants SO much. Likewise, I often think being a mom is one of the most selfless roles. The fact that you're willing to go through the emotional and physical ups and downs for the chance at being a mom again speaks volumes. I wish you the best of luck!!

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  17. I'm going to agree that I don't think this is selfish or greedy. I always think of that saying" "If I had known better, I would have done better." We have to make the best decisions we can with what we have at that time. Your life took a turn, a positive one, and you are embarking on a new and wonderful journey with a good man and the blessings of medical technology on your side to potentially make it possible. That's fantastic! And what really sticks out for me here is that you have given your adult children the breathing room to make their own way instead of pressuring them for children because it's something you want; so many parents do that, and it's commendable that you have taken responsibility for becoming the author of your own happiness.

    But I am going to go out on a limb and ask you to reconsider whether you really "understand some of the heartache" because, honestly, you couldn't possibly. I appreciate the empathy, sincerely, but you have biological children. You have not experienced the trauma of miscarriage or IVF failure. You haven't weathered the devastation of diagnosis or poor prognosis. You have a teensy taste of the fear, and I can identify with that piece; it's awful, so I'm sorry you're feeling that. But for me it's almost an earn your stripes situation. I remember, way back in the beginning when I thought this hurt and was scary: I had no idea how bad it could get. I hope, and I mean this with all sincerity, that good fortune smiles on you and you never have to go through the experiences that would enable you to truly "understand."

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  18. thank you, I totally get that I can't understand the depth of what you're going through. I think we can only imagine the pain others are in when they are going through things we haven't experienced. From the small taste of what I'm going through, ("some" of the heartache)I know it must be devastating. It's not fair that it's so easy for some and so difficult for others.

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  19. I share the same sentiments as many before me. I don't think you are selfish or greedy in the least. We all make mistakes or have indiscresions when we are younger. As we grow older the world and our views change. I wish you nothing but the best. I hope your husband and you are blessed beyond beleif with a little one.

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  20. Sorry. I think it's crappy to put a post like this on this particular blog. I find it distasteful. I doubt I am the only one. That said, I hope your surgery goes well and I am glad you learned from the failures of your youth. I wish more people would.

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    1. Anonymous- I shared this post because of the raw honesty. I think what this did was courageous! I appreciate her honesty- since that is what my blog is all about- being honest. I know this writer personally and I want to support her no matter what her past was like. The past is just that--- the past. I won't apologize for having this type of post on MY blog. But, thanks so much for stopping by! Best to you!

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  21. I'm sorry that you found it distasteful, Anonymous. I am sensitive to the fact that what comes so easy for some is so heartbreaking for others. Teresa is a friend of mine and watching her struggle has made me more aware to be thankful for what I have. This post came out of the feelings I had when telling her I was planning this, knowing that if it happens for me, that it will hurt her and those are completely legitimate feelings for her to have. That being sad, I don't think of it as "failures" as my youth, everything has built on who I am today.

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    1. Don't apologize. I loved your post and so did many others! Thank you for sharing!!

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  22. If it is crappy and distasteful to post this on an infertility blog, I can't imagine what's she thinks of my childfree one! Lol.

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