Sunday, March 31, 2013

Our Easter Weekend

What a great weekend! The weather here was amazing! We started the weekend off by babysitting L&L on Friday night. I made chicken and dumplings for dinner and both kids loved it! After watching the Lorax we tucked them tightly into bed on the couch and Zoie kept them safe for the rest of the night. It is so nice for us when L&L spend the night because that means we get the whole bed to ourselves; all night!! Normally, Zoie is at our feet or between us.

Saturday we got up and had the best breakfast ever; Cinnamon rolls and BACON! After that we dyed some Easter eggs. The kids did a great job- don't you think ;-)?

 While they were busy making a mess, I decided I would make one too! I made yummy coconut macaroons drizzled with chocolate to bring over to my moms on Sunday. Don't these look yummy? 

The kids liked them!

After we cleaned up our mess, and ourselves, we ventured out to the park with Zoie. It was such a pretty day. The kids played on the monkey bars and I swung on the swing. Man, I forgot how much fun the swings are! It felt so refreshing. Of course after a lot of heavy playing the kids were thirsty so we took them for Italian sodas! I had my favorite; raspberry and almond and they had strawberry. Yum! When we got home they were both very tired so we turned on some Pound Puppy and chilled until mommy and daddy came to pick them up. After they went home DH and I (mostly DH) did a tad bit of yard work, again taking advantage of the great weather. We are re-doing our back yard so there is lots to be done!

Lily was beat after the park and Zoie makes a great pillow

This morning DH slept til 9am while I was up at 6am. It never fails. I can't ever sleep in. I don't really mind getting up though, so I don't really complain. Once we were up and about we sorta just putzed around the house. We did a bit more yard work and some housekeeping. I read some blogs and responded to some emails while DH tied some flies. Then we headed over to my mom and dad's.

Before we ate we spent some time playing and visiting with family. DH was playing baseball with the kids and I tried my hand at Bocce ball; I was bored after the third toss. Dinner was awesome as always. I love my moms cooking! We has Swiss sausage, ham, baked potatoes and salad. It was so wonderful to be able to eat outside. Last year it was overcast and not very warm! After eating the kids searched for eggs. Watching them hunt was so much fun. I love seeing how excited they get.

Here are some photos from today!
I hope you all had a great Easter weekend, I know I did!!


Saturday, March 30, 2013

Just to Share

I just wanted to share this awesome blog post that my previous employer wrote regarding Male Fertility. 

Her blog is titled Full Metal Acupuncturist, the name of the post is "Male Fertility: When "Within Normal Limits" is Not Good Enough." You can find the article here.

Please read it, and have your man read it too! 

TTC is a team effort! ;-)

Friday, March 29, 2013

I'm Not Ready

As I was sitting there waiting for my mom and my sister to meet me for lunch yesterday this weird, yet, very calming feeling came over me. It was like my questions had been answered.

I'm not ready.

This is what my doubt was all about. It was the doubt inside myself that made me question my faith. 

I'm not ready. 

My body is not ready to be a womb for a baby. I'm over weight, my eating habits have been horrible, I don't exercise, and I worry too much. How can I expect my body to be home to baby when it's all out of sorts? I also know deep down that many people who are in much worse shape than myself get pregnant, easily. But, maybe that is not my path. Maybe I am to get myself healthy before I can be a healthy home to a growing child.

I am not ready. 

I need to heal inside. I need to bring my self back to my roots. I am not saying that by doing that I will be pregnant, but I might be happier. I want to find peace inside myself, peace with all my choices, my mistakes and my BFN's. I want to feel God's love. I want to believe in something; I want to trust in it. 
I am not ready.

IVF scares me. I am not ready to invest so much money into something that may not work. I am not ready to take that chance; and that makes me sad. I know that there is never a guarantee with any pregnancy, no matter how the pregnancy was achieved, so I understand the gamble doesn't start or end with IVF.

I am not ready.

I do not want to give up on the idea of IVF and the only reason I am not ready to go through with IVF is because, right now, we can't afford it. If money was not an issue, I would do IVF over and over again until we got pregnant or until recommended otherwise. It hurts; knowing that we have a good chance of getting pregnant with IVF, but realizing that we can't because cost stands in the way.

He is not ready. 

I would go into any amount of debt to try and have a child but my DH is not. I can't just think about my wants in moments like this. We are bringing our child into this world, we need to agree. I am not ready to cause a crater between myself and my DH just because money means nothing to me. That is not fair, nor is it right. We are a team. I am not ready to jeopardize that.

I am not ready.

I know that no matter what problems I have, we do have a chance to get pregnant. Pregnancy is a miracle and miracles happen every day. So, just because we can't afford all the treatments in the world, we can still try. We can do what we can do when we can do it. I am not ready to quit. Whether it be naturally or with a little help of ART we will continue to try for our little bundle. I am not ready to give up.  

I am not ready.

I realized that I am hurting inside because I doubt my faith so much. I feel so bad about that. I feel like I let my parents down when I question God. I want to believe, I want to know he has a great plan for  me, but it hurts to put all my faith into something that I haven't be able to trust. Yet, after typing that I wonder if it wasn't him that "saved" me all those times in my past. Maybe I have been able to trust all along, but was too blind to see it.

While I am ready to give some of my worry, stress, fear and heartbreak over to him, I am not ready to give it all. Yet.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

BCP Blues and Other News

I wanted to stop in and quickly apologize for my outburst of a post yesterday.

Thank you for all of you who read my post and who snapped me back into reality. I still can't say what way I lean, because I just don't know. My faith is being truly tested right now. Maybe this is just one more of life's lessons that I have to work through; learning to juggle the good the bad and the ugly.

This exact thing happened to me the last time I went on BCP. They really mess with my thoughts and emotions. I start to doubt everything and everyone and my "faith" goes out the window. The last time this happened, Sharon, suggested I look to antidepressants. I did not entertain that idea, not even for a minute. Many years ago I was on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds; when I was on them I was even less myself. I felt nothing. However, I was in an abusive relationship and in a very unstable environment so I am sure that played a huge part in the way they worked, or didn't work. Regardless, those type of medications will never be found in my medicine cabinet; they just aren't for me. Besides, I' m not staying on the BCP anyways, so this soon shall pass. 

I am too happy to be this damn sad.
On to other things really quick...

I am doing much better after my surgery. But, I do have to go back on the 12th of April for the real deal. The last procedure I had done was just to remove the infection. Now we have to go back and remove the root cause. Fun stuff.

The surgery falls on CD 27. I will be on pain meds (again) and antibiotics (again) so the next Femara cycle might have to be pushed back. I am not sure what problems, if any, the drugs could cause.

I should call my RE and talk to them, huh?

I have been off of work for 2 weeks now, and that may have something to do with my bad mood. I am loving the time off, but I feel some what out of sorts without a job. I do have the lead on the W/Thurs position at the dentist office, if I want it, but with the surgery and stuff, I am not in any rush. Plus, I am totally going to be one of those people who enjoys some unemploymentment for a minute or two. Why not? I deserve it. Besides, DH said I had to find a job a really wanted not JUST any job.

Now, I will ask that you send some good vibes to a few people I hold close in heart.

* My sister injured her calf a couple weeks ago. They just found out that she has a small clot in her leg. Please send positive thoughts (or prayers) to her, that she recovery quickly.

* Risa over at "Who Shot Down My Stork" just got another BFN. We all know how painful those can be, so please swing over and send her some good cheer.

* Wishing on a Snowflake really needs some love today too. She just found there was not a heartbeat at 9w1d. I am saying lots of prayers for her today. My heart broke when I read the news.

On a positive note--

* Katie at Non Sequitur Chica just got her BFP! I feel partially responsible since she was wearing the lucky socks my DH picked out and that I sent her! I am sure she would love some love!

*Heather at "I Should B..." started blogging again and would love more followers. Please visit her blog by clicking here.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Maybe (a weird post)

For the past few days every time I turn on the radio, whether it be in the house, in the office or in the truck, I hear the Swedish House Mafia song "Don't You Worry Child". I never hear the whole song; usually only the chorus. 

"My father said,  
"Don't you worry, don't you worry, child  
See heaven's got a plan for you" 

It is easy to see that the plan I had for myself and the plan that God has for are not the same. I wanted to be married by 24 and I have my first child by 26. Instead,  I was married at 29, and at 31, I am still barren.

I have two very religious parents and I love that about them. However, my faith is lacking these days. I believe in something bigger than myself, I just can't say for sure that I believe in God. But, I must. Because even just writing that, I feel a sense of guilt.

I just feel really let down.

I mean, I have been through so much and survived. Isn't it time that I be able to enjoy life and achieve some of the dreams I have been dreaming of without more heartache? God, has put me through enough! From 22- 26 years old, I was in a VERY abusive relationship. I toyed with drugs, broke the law and was beaten; badly, over and over again. Now, I know that I can't blame all of that on God. I made those choices. But, everyone says "God has a plan". I guess that was  part of his "plan". He was giving me life's lessons, first hand. My dad tells me I went through all of that pain to teach them (my family) all a lesson. He thinks God believed I was the one strong enough to test their faith and love and was the one able to endure all the pain.


I have a home, a wonderful husband, a loving family, the support and the means to care for and to raise a child. I am healthy (for the most part), I have deep morals and values, I  have all the things needed to be a good mother, and I know my DH will be an amazing father; there is not a doubt in my mind! So why? Why it is such a struggle for us?

Religious folks always want to tell me something about it being God's will. I sorta stopped listening to it after a while. With all the technology we have today, there is no reason I should have to rely on God's will. Let's get real. God gave us the ability to invent and use technology. So why wouldn't I seek some help from science?

What is shameful about that?

Why would I put all of my eggs in one basket?

Why would I only rely on faith and hope when a child is what I want so badly? Why do people feel the need to tell me that if I prayed more, went to church, or gave it to God, I might get pregnant? I can guarantee you that the 16 year old girl that got drunk one night and ended up pregnant doesn't deserve to be a mother any more than I do, and I am going to assume that she does not live by his words praying to "God". She probably didn't spend endless hours praying to "God" for a child!

So, why?
Why does he continue to punish me?
What makes me unworthy of motherhood, or achieving motherhood easily.

I feel like a hypocrite now. As I sit here writing this post I wear a St. Gerard (saint of motherhood) medallion around my neck. One that my mom had blessed by the priest. I also have a Fertility Goddess medal I used wear. I wore it since our wedding- it obviously never worked. I bought essential oils, meditation records and books to enhance the energy around conception. I have tried to grasp any and all "spiritual" straws that may help us get prego.
As if that will really make a difference.

I get so cynical after so many attempts and so many BFN!

I know that I have to stay positive but hope truly does diminish and the positive outlook we try to keep becomes less clear. I can't say which is worse- never getting a BFP or getting a BFP and losing it. Or getting a BFP, and a baby, but then having to battle secondary infertility. No one can answer that. No one can say which is worse. I would do anything at this point for a BFP, and I would be ever so happy to get that BFP even if it ended. I just want a BFP, at this point. I would do anything for it.

Who's to say who hurts worse? No one.

Who's to say who's plan is the right plan? Who is to say it is even a "plan".

Maybe I am just broken and my body sucks.
Maybe its all science and has nothing to do with fate, God, saints or goddesses.
Maybe it  all  comes down to science, timing, and money.
Maybe I am not getting my BFP because I don't have enough faith.
Maybe my time is around the corner.
Maybe there is not such things as "my time".
Maybe my dad is right.
Maybe I need to find happiness and peace in whatever "his plan" is.

This is how I feel as of late.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Memories in Melodies

Today, while I was laid up on the couch I decided to turn Hulu off and turn the tunes up. It made me want to share some of my favorites songs with you. Each of these songs has a memory attached to it. I won't list all of them, that would be a loooong post, but here are a few.

My dad, little sister and I, used to listen to Pasty Cline. We loved her. I remember watching a movie about her life over and over again! I wish I remembered the name of the movie.
"Walking After Midnight" Patsy Cline

New Kids on the Block- every little girls crush in the 1980's. Well, mine at least. I had a huge crush on Jordan. Most girls crushed on Donnie.
"You Got It" NKOTB

This song reminds me of my DH. 
I heard it on my way home one day and it just made me think of him.
"God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton

MY Bridal March. I walked down the aisle to this song. I love it so much. It will always be my favorite love song!
"Marry Me: by Train

Our First Dance- I searched long and hard for our first dance song. I was picky and wanted a song that described our relationship, but one that was not over played. My DH said this was "the one" the very first time he heard it. He loved the lyrics, and that was the most important to us. So here you go...
"Finally Got it Right" by Fooling April

The Father- Daughter Dance- I loved this song the first time I heard it. My dad is very religious and it just seemed to be perfect for our dance. I love my dad.
"Always be Your Baby" by Natalie Grant

I will leave you with this final song.
 I love Tracy Chapman.
This song is a great soundtrack to my life.
 "At This Point in My Life"

What are some of your favorite songs?

Welcome March ICLWers!

Hi all ICLWers and all others! Thanks for stopping by my blog.
If you are new and want to read more of our TTC history click here or here

Currently we are on a "rest cycle". I am on BCP for the month, pain meds and antibotics. I had a cyst removed on Tuesday, so we are dealing with that this month instead of TTC. It was and is not fun! I would not wish this on my worst enemy. OK, maybe if I thought real hard I could wish it on someone.... 

This past month I hosted a Post Card Swap and a Book Club. We are reading "The Kitchen House" and I am loving it! Feel free to join us, if you would like! I will post discussion questions the last week of March. As for the Post Card Swap, the entry is now closed. If all goes well, I will host another one, soon! You can read about both the book club and PCS by clicking here. If you are interested be sure to drop me a line!

I hope you all enjoy this week! I am home so I should have time to read lots of blogs, meet new bloggy friends and catch up on comments and commenting!

Happy ICLW! Happy reading and Happy commenting!

Be sure to "like" my blog's Facebook page and feel free to join the private Facebook discussion group if you want!!!/WhereTheBleepIsOurStork!/groups/wheresthestork/- CLOSED


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Post "Surgery" Update (TMI post)

Warning: TMI post!

Yesterday's surgery was only to get the infection out. I have to go back and remove the root cause after the infection is gone. I asked the doc what was the root cause and he answered swiftly. Hair. I have a hairy butt. That is something every woman wants to hear. NOT! I blame this too, on PCOS. I mean, a symptom of PCOS does include unwanted hair. So, I am gonna go with that.

When I asked him why it came back and why it got so bad so quickly he said it was because there was so much scar tissue from the last surgery that the infection was not fought off with white blood cells and since the tissue around the area is already damaged from the past, the infection was able to build easily.

He drained 2 tablespoons of puss of out it and it was not the most flattering smell. I am glad my DH stayed in the waiting room. The doctor said that since it was so swollen and inflamed that it was going to be difficult to numb up completely. He was right. I was not numb all the way so I felt a majority of the poking, prodding and slicing. It was so uncomfortable. I just kept hearing him say "Breath, you are going good; its draining." I just kept gripping the table and clenching my jaw. When he would stop pressing, I would laugh. Not because it was funny, but because that is how I deal with pain.I laugh. I  have done it for as long as I can remember. Once the trauma is over, then I cry!

He said we will schedule the second surgery (under general anesthesia) to remove the "root cause" or hairballl at my follow up next Tuesday. Gosh, how embarrassing.

I hope you all still love me! LOL

Thanks for all the well wishes on here and on Facebook!!  You are all so great!

Sorry about the TMI post.... especially since it was TMI post not about IF!

Monday, March 18, 2013

Can't I Catch a Break??

Man, I must have done something really bad in my past life (and or current life) to be handed this stack of cards. I have to go in for a minor surgery tomorrow. I mentioned in my previous post that I have had some low back and tailbone pain that has been getting worse. Today, I went to the doctor and sure enough, I have another pilonidal cyst on my tail bone (right between the cheeks). Last time I had to go under anesthesia to have it removed. It was the size of a golf ball! My doctor thinks they will be able to cut it open in the office and drain it; but he wasn't sure. We will find out tomorrow at 1:30pm. 

This was the first time seeing Dr. R. He will be my new PCP. I have yet to find a doctor that I really love. I am not saying he was not a good doctor, and that I won't end up being really happy with him, but this visit was pretty specific and we didn't have time to get into much detail about my health history, or the chance to "get to know one another", he is more familiar with my butt crack then my last name at this point. He wants me to come back in the summer. We will do a full lab work up and we will discuss them, my weight and my PCOS at that time.  Yep, my weight. I tipped the scale today at 200.2 pounds. I f*cking hate PCOS!!!

Well, thats all. Time to go take my meds.

Wish me luck.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

CD #1

Yep. That is right. Pesky AF arrived this morning. She woke me up at 4:30am, that bitch!

I am not overly excited to see AF, obviously. You see, the longer she took to arrive, the more hope I was able to grasp onto. Even after a BFN. 

I have had the worst cramps this time around. I find it interesting that my P4 last month was 75, and my cycle was 29 days long. I never had any terrible cramping or discomfort. This month my P4 was 22.1, and my cycle was 34 days long, and I have had the worst cramps ever; along with random bouts of nausea. I knew last night my period was coming.  I had these weird, sharp, stabbing like pains in my uterus that shot down to my va-jay-jay and my boobs were ever so slightly tender. 

Another sure fire way to tell that AF is coming for me is the fact that my urine has a much stronger smell a day or two before I start bleeding. I asked my nurse about that once and she said it was related to something I ate. But, we all know our bodies too well, and I knew it had nothing to do with diet. It happens every cycle around the same time; every time. 

We are taking a month off this cycle so that we can avoid having to pay the $500.00 out of pocket cost for a baseline ultrasound. If you want my honest opinion, the RE should code it as 620.2 (ovarian cysts), not 628.0 (infertility)! We know I have infertility; we are not checking for that! We are in fact looking for cysts and that can be totally unrelated to infertility. We also opted out of the U/S because  I never have any left over cysts and we would rather put the dough toward the IUI.

I really hate living in a state that does not mandate infertility coverage. It drives me mad. When are people going to understand that infertility is not inconvenience; it is a real medical issue. One that not only damages both the reproductive organs but they psyche as well. If we can call alcoholism and drug addiction; even gambling, a disease, then by God, so is the inability to conceive!

Sorry, rant over.

Anyway, we are taking a month off, I will start BCP on Tuesday and in 28 days I will have a period. During those 28 days I will also attempt a 21 day cleanse. I am scared and some what intimidated that I can't do it, but I am sure gonna try! I don't know if it will help, but I can't see the harm in trying! Besides, my body could use a good flush! When my cycle starts we will try the Femara again, monitored and paired with an IUI.

In other news...

I am now unemployed. My last day at HRA was Friday. While I am going to miss parts of the job and some of the people, I am rally looking forward to re-grouping and figuring out what I really want to do. I am tired of being a "personal assistant" in a sense. I know that I am far more than that, but after a while, that is exactly what I felt like. I felt like I was always picking up after someone, doing dishes, folding laundry, and other non stimulating things. I need more than that. I just don't know what that is yet. Even at 31.

Last week my blog was mentioned in 4 different places. You can imagine my excitement when I was notified. My heart skipped a beat each time. What a great feeling to know that people tune into my battle and fight it with me. Complete strangers are rooting us on far more than some of our own family members. Blogging has brought me so many gifts. By gifts, I mean, new friends, new confidants, honest, loving, good hearted people to keep me going! So, thank you again to all of my readers. Thank you, to Tao of Pig Pen at Sunshine Dreams and Hopes, Amber at Old Lady no Baby, Katie at Non Sequitur Chica, for taking the time to mention my blog in your posts, and to those who pinned my blog from Resolve: The National Infertility Association's  Pinterest board. 

For the past week and a half I have had some bad low back pain and then a few days ago my "tail bone" starting hurting so bad that I had major discomfort sitting, standing, walking and even laying. I wonder if it is a pilonidal cyst or coccyx pain. I had a pilonidal cyst once before, around the same area, and OH MY GAWD! It was it horrible and  painful! With that being said, I think I may be going to the MD this week!! 


I promise that with my time off of work I will try to write a thought provoking post. I know I have said that before, but I mean it. I have so many thoughts in my head, but, every time I sit down to write, I go blank. Damn writer's block.  Check me out... I am calling myself a "writer" now. Ha!

P.S. ALL addresses have been assigned for the Post Card Swap! If you want to participate but did not get any addresses please email me! All postcards are to be postmarked by March 29th! 
Remember: if you don't send your postcard you will let a real person down!

The author of Sunshine Dreams and Hopes has a great book available through Amazon and Barnes and Noble titled "The Longest Love Letter".  Do me a favor? Go buy it and a box of tissues! He told me it was a letter to his daughter, but really it is a love letter to his wife. Both of whom have been a great support to me and to many many others.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

My Phone Call With The Nurse

Today I spoke to Sharon about my cycle. She seemed optimistic.

She said that everything looked great this cycle. I ovulated "quite well" and the timing was good. She said that because we know I ovulate so well with the Femara there is no need for a trigger shot. A trigger shot will not improve my chances and they would only use the it if I was not having good ovulation. My progesterone proves I am ovulating without a trigger. I am producing mature eggs with the Femara alone.

They will do up to 5-6 cycles of Femara. We should plan on doing 3 more cycles with Femara and IUI. If pregnancy does not occur then we can add the Menopur with the Femara and IUI. I have 11 vials that I don't want to go to waste and I have heard the combo of Femara and injections can be very successful  After that, she recommends we consider IVF.

In her opinion, we are not fighting the problem with ovulation, we are fighting the PCOS.

I am suppose to wait for a period. If it doesn't start in one week she wants me to take another HPT. If it is negative then we will do some lab work to see what's going on.

Part of me wants a period.
Part of me hopes it doesn't come.

Thank YOU!

I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you who read my blatherings. I started this blog a few months ago with little intention. I had no idea that I would "meet" so many great women, make so many new friends, get such great advice and amazing amounts support. I just thought I was starting an online "Dear Diary", so that I could keep people updated some place other than my Facebook page and so I had a place to record all my thoughts, feeling, emotions and symptoms while TTC. Little did I know that I would change lives, inspire, and inform, people of all walks of life.

I appreciate everyone who follows along with me cycle after cycle. BFN after BFN. I hope that one day you will follow me though my BFP and day to day life as a parent. For now, I will continue to kick infertility is the face with you all by my side.

I love you all. You have changed my life, and I mean that.

Thank you.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Get Yourself Together

I am not pregnant.

I get so sick of saying that month after month. My odds of getting pregnant should not be equivalent to my odds of winning the lottery (I don't play the lottery, I play hide and seek with a fucking stork). This is utter bullshit. We have been TTC for so long now and I hate the emotional roller coaster. It is not fair. Just not fair. I deserve to be pregnant. I deserve to be a mom!

Deep down I knew I was going to get a BFN. But part of me thought that maybe if I changed my thinking and really focused on a BFP, that just maybe... it would happen. I really thought I was having new symptoms and when AF didn'y show yesterday I thought maybe I was! When I told my DH that I actually thought I was pregant this month and he said "I think you are pregnant every month." He is always positive.
Every time I get a BFN I start doubting myself; and the doctor. I know that it is not right nor is it fair. I just feel like I need to blame something, someone. I mean there has to be something we are missing, something that is preventing me from conception.

My mind starts to wonder and all of a sudden I want to get an third opinion. I start thinking that surely someone else will know what to do and will quickly get us pregnant; as if they had a magic wand or something.  

In reality I think we just need to keep trying what seems to be working. I mean, truly, what we are doing is working. I am just and impatient brat.

When I went to see Dr.A the first time it was because I was not ovulating and Clomid was a waste of time. For the first time in who knows how long I actually was able to ovulate while under his care. I am ovulating with the Femara and having "normal" cycles, so maybe we just need to do more cycles paired with triggers and IUIs. What can that hurt? I believe it will only increase our chances. We have only done 2 IUIs. One with Femara and one with Menopur. I think we owe it to ourselves to try at least 4 rounds of IUI paired with a good ovulation.

For now, I am going to take a month off. Not because I need to, or because I want to, but because it will be easier on our wallets, and since I am out of a job, we should. The baseline U/S have gone up to nearly $700 dollars and I would prefer to use that money on IUIs and monitoring. Besides, I seem to ovulate really well after coming off the BCP and going onto the Femara.

I'd love to see what size follicles I have with a progesterone of 22-75. My largest follicle on the Femara last year was 15mm, my largest follicle with the Menopur was 19mm. I only ever produced one mature follicle on the right ovary, each cycle. The nurses think I could have had more than 2 this last cycle. That is why I want to monitor from now on; so we know exactly what we are dealing with. 

Tantrum over.

I'm not pregnant.

Time to get myself together.

We're not done yet.

My Body Hates Me

Today, I found out that my body failed me.

I took a HPT.



What the fuck?

I am so annoyed, disappointed and mad.  

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Stuff; in No Particular Order

CD 29, and DPO 12.

I have not taken a HPT yet. For some reason waiting is easier for me than seeing a BFN. It is almost as if the longer I wait, the longer I can hold on to hope. I did stand in front of the HPT at the store today for a about 3 minutes; debating. My DH talked me out of it since I am having AF like cramps and my temp did drop a bit this morning. He said to wait until I am late, that however, ranges from 30-35 days.

I can't believe I am actually going to say this out loud (or in print) but the other day I was sitting on the couch and a random, sudden feeling came over me. I felt warm and excited for a minute. I thought to myself "I am pregnant", then I stopped smiling and felt silly for even thinking that. I mean really, after all this trying, all these test, and all this monitoring, how could I think that I would get pregnant this easy.
During the 2WW, we (infertiles) drive ourselves crazy analyzing every symptom we experience.
It is easy to think that every thing we feel could be related to pregnancy. Maybe it is because pregnancy is something we want and crave so much. I keep thinking that I feel new symptoms, or that the symptoms I normally feel are different. I had a really weird headache that left me kinda dizzy and unable to think straight about 8 days ago and I started thinking that could have been implantation. I have been having a lot of sharp side pains and some uterus pains. When I look back at my notes, I seemed to experience the same symptoms, just maybe not as bad. I have been craving chocolate though, and that is never a good sign.

The nurse told me that my P4 level last month was so much higher because I could have dropped 5, yes FIVE, eggs. She thought that this month I could have potentially dropped 2 eggs. The elevated P4 does have some down falls. I am bloated  and have been crampy since ovulation. Not to mention that I have had low back pain now for a week. 


On another note, I did not get the job with the ND. I am okay with that. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I think I need to buckle down and find a place I WANT to work at and that offers opportunities to advance. While the ND office may have been a great schedule, the environment was not my style, and to be honest, I want out of alternative care medicine. I am also getting tired of lots of multi taking. It has taken its toll on me; or at least this last job has. My last day at HRA is either the 15th or the 22nd. I can work til the 22nd if I want, but I am not sure I do. I am really burnt out and unmotivated since I know that I will be out of a job sooner than I would like. But, I am not going to stress about that too much. I know something will come up.


Post Card Swap
The post card swap will take place March 25-29th. Be sure to have the postcards mailed by the 29th! I will get you your 3 addresses by the 24th, I promise. I hope this is fun and that you all get great postcards from fellow bloggers or IFers from all over the place!

Book Club
The Kitchen House was the pick of the month and I love it! I have a hard time putting it down. I even read it on my phone at the front desk the other day! I hope that you are all enjoying it  as well! One follower has already finished it! Way to go, Heather!!


Katie, at Non Sequitur Chica sent me these awesome socks and super cute card. The card inside says "think hugs and hope". I love them. I hope she likes the ones that I sent her!

Well, I guess that is all I have for now. One day, I promise to sit down and write a meaningful, thought provoking post.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Cycle #5 P4 Update


Yes I did get them this morning, your level looks really good at 22.1 ng/ml.  You did ovulate quite well.  If you don’t have a cycle in a week do a uhcg and call if it’s positive. 

That was my P4 level on CD 24 (yesterday). If you remember correctly, last month my P4 was 75 on CD22! I asked the nurse to explain how it went from 75 last month to 22.1 this month; I have not heard back.

Don't get me wrong. I am ecstatic! I mean 22.1 is a great number and I DID ovulate!! I just like to have all the answers; even if I don't fully understand them!

So, we figure ovulation was about a week ago, on CD 17 or so. The good thing is I only have to endure one more week of the dreaded "2WW"!

That is all the time I have for now. But trust me, I have a lot more to say!

Go get her!

Monday, March 4, 2013

Big Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow is CD 24 and I have a P4 check in the morning. I am happy that I finally get to see if I ovulated and if so, how well. The OPKs this month were hell. 

Have I mentioned how much I hate my body and PCOS? Well, I do!

Tomorrow I also have a second interview with the naturopathic doctor I met with last week. I hope it goes well; since I will be out of a job sooner than later. Sometimes change is beyond our control, and, though I am not ready to be out of a job nor in the mood to look for one, I am really excited about moving on and facing new opportunities; and this new place could be a good fit. My fingers are crossed that my "High I" personality is a hit with Dr. Baker! I have been brainstorming things I want to say about my personality and abilities along with other business points. It doesn't matter how prepared I am though, interviews still make me feel vulnerable and inadequate.

Wish me luck! I will be back tomorrow with a full report. I promise you that!

March Book Club Pick

The March Book Club Pick is....

Pick up a copy and get reading!

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Post Card Swap and Book Club Updates

Well, I am finally getting around to writing about the "Postcard Swap" and the Book Club.

Post Card Swap...
Let me start off by saying I drove all over Bend looking for postcards yesterday and did not found any. I heard there are some at Rite-Aid, so I guess I will look there today. Who knew people didn't buy or send post cards anymore?

I have done some research on how to run a Postcard Swap but I am not 100% happy with the way they are ran; so I am going to make some adjustments to the rules. 

First, I will need anyone who is wanting to participate to email me with their full name and address along with a valid email address. If I don't have your email address then you can't get the 4 addresses that you will need to send postcards to. 

Each person will get 4 address and will need to mail the postcards out within the designated dates. (TBA)

We have two options.

Option #1:
I will keep track of who sent who cards and each month (if all goes well) I will assign you new addresses until we all have made our way around the world.

Option #2
I will randomly assign each of you 4 addresses. You will send those 4 people postcards and in return they will send you one. 

What are your thoughts, bloggy friends?

Don't forget that if you don't send your postcards you will let a real person down! 

Now, for the Book Club....
We have chosen some books and I think we are ready to decide on which one is the winner! 
So, please comment with your reading choice below!

I figure we can read at our leisure and toward the end of the month I will post discussion questions. People can chime in via comments as time allows. Then in April, we will pick a new book and make any adjustments to the "club" then.

Book Choices:
Time Traveler's Wife
Hotel on The Corner of Bitter and Sweet 
Kitchen House

Please, if anyone has any suggestions, feel free to voice them! 

Lastly, I am going to consider myself in the vicious 2WW... I have a P4 check on Tuesday, the 5th.