Sunday, February 23, 2014

No longer "impatiently waiting"

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted anything! Even though I haven't been as active as I have been in the past; I am still here checking in on all of you! It just seems like lately I have lost my touch. Maybe it is because I am not sure where we are going next and I figured since I have nothing going on in the TTC world- there was no point on updating my "infertility" blog.

You see, I am not sure how I feel about my infertility anymore. We have gone so long without doctor's appointments, and ovulation tests, and timed intercourse that my infertility - even having a baby- has become old news now; a thing of the past. It's turned into one of those "if it happens it happens" conversations. I find myself scheduling appointments for shoulder x-rays and chiropractor appointments now instead of weekly visits with the dildo cam. I can't remember the last time I "dropped my pants" at the doctor's office. I actually forgot my RE and OB's phone numbers; I can no longer recall them off memory and oddly that feels like victory.

My infertility has no longer been the forefront of our lives. Sure, I talk about it with others and I am still very passionate about bringing awareness to those who know little about it but, it is not something we are: saving for, planning for, or waiting on at this point. 

The entire time we have been together we have been focused on how to get my body to work properly and  then on how to get pregnant. Lately, we have decided to stop planning and aiming for a "goal" or a certain outcome; we've decided to just live for a while and see what happens- you never know.  

Our decision to stop treatment wasn't only because we didn't want to gamble away more money but because we just felt it was time to focus on something different. We did our time, we put forth great effort, and we understand that it will take a lot more money (we're hoping for a miracle) to get us pregnant and right now that just isn't where we want to spend it. I want to live and create a life with my husband. I want to have memories that fill me with joy and love and laughter. I don't want to look back at our life- or our debt, and see that it was spent searching, planning, and trying instead of living, breathing and exploring.

In retrospect, TTC was really hard on our marriage. I think I tried to see all the good in our relationship because I needed to focus on what was going to hold us together- but, in reality, infertility and trying to conceive took a toll on the relationship we had started out with. A real toll

My bitterness was easily shown and I got angry at the drop of a dime. Mike, bless his heart, did the best he could and expressed himself the way he knows how, but, to me that was never enough. I began to expect more from not only myself, my body, the doctors but my husband too. Some cycles were better than others but in the end- our intimate relationship took a beating and it is still trying to recover. Not only that- but we lost the ability to thoroughly communicate. Communication is HUGE in any relationship and it is the one thing that I believe can make or break a marriage. Our's was showing real signs of struggle and it was heartbreaking. 

I've thought long and hard about this blog and it's purpose, and I've concluded that it's to share my struggle with others. To show that even though things may not work out the way we want them too, I can still find happiness and joy in the life we do have. I want others to know that even though the emptiness will always be there in the shadows; it doesn't have to take over your life, or define you! YOU get to make that choice. Infertility has shown me just how much I have to be thankful for and it's taught me to see things through different perspectives. 

I hope that my story gives strength to others who are unable to see the light at the end of this tunnel.  My struggle has not ended the way we hoped- but my struggle has show me just how strong I really am; just how strong we really are. For that, I am grateful.

From this struggle; came strength. 

Now, time for a 2014 photo share........

My new car!
Some views in January

Worst game of the season- but I still love 'em!
( I love my Oregon Bronco hoodie, too)

Snow daze! We got 18-20 inches of snow in two days!

Painted Hills- John Day Fossil Bed National Monument