BCP Blues and Other News

I wanted to stop in and quickly apologize for my outburst of a post yesterday.

Thank you for all of you who read my post and who snapped me back into reality. I still can't say what way I lean, because I just don't know. My faith is being truly tested right now. Maybe this is just one more of life's lessons that I have to work through; learning to juggle the good the bad and the ugly.

This exact thing happened to me the last time I went on BCP. They really mess with my thoughts and emotions. I start to doubt everything and everyone and my "faith" goes out the window. The last time this happened, Sharon, suggested I look to antidepressants. I did not entertain that idea, not even for a minute. Many years ago I was on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds; when I was on them I was even less myself. I felt nothing. However, I was in an abusive relationship and in a very unstable environment so I am sure that played a huge part in the way they worked, or didn't work. Regardless, those type of medications will never be found in my medicine cabinet; they just aren't for me. Besides, I' m not staying on the BCP anyways, so this soon shall pass. 

I am too happy to be this damn sad.

On to other things really quick...

I am doing much better after my surgery. But, I do have to go back on the 12th of April for the real deal. The last procedure I had done was just to remove the infection. Now we have to go back and remove the root cause. Fun stuff.

The surgery falls on CD 27. I will be on pain meds (again) and antibiotics (again) so the next Femara cycle might have to be pushed back. I am not sure what problems, if any, the drugs could cause.

I should call my RE and talk to them, huh?

I have been off of work for 2 weeks now, and that may have something to do with my bad mood. I am loving the time off, but I feel some what out of sorts without a job. I do have the lead on the W/Thurs position at the dentist office, if I want it, but with the surgery and stuff, I am not in any rush. Plus, I am totally going to be one of those people who enjoys some unemploymentment for a minute or two. Why not? I deserve it. Besides, DH said I had to find a job a really wanted not JUST any job.

Now, I will ask that you send some good vibes to a few people I hold close in heart.

* My sister injured her calf a couple weeks ago. They just found out that she has a small clot in her leg. Please send positive thoughts (or prayers) to her, that she recovery quickly.

* Risa over at "Who Shot Down My Stork" just got another BFN. We all know how painful those can be, so please swing over and send her some good cheer.

* Wishing on a Snowflake really needs some love today too. She just found there was not a heartbeat at 9w1d. I am saying lots of prayers for her today. My heart broke when I read the news.

On a positive note--

* Katie at Non Sequitur Chica just got her BFP! I feel partially responsible since she was wearing the lucky socks my DH picked out and that I sent her! I am sure she would love some love!

*Heather at "I Should B..." started blogging again and would love more followers. Please visit her blog by clicking here.

CD #1

Yep. That is right. Pesky AF arrived this morning. She woke me up at 4:30am, that bitch!

I am not overly excited to see AF, obviously. You see, the longer she took to arrive, the more hope I was able to grasp onto. Even after a BFN. 

I have had the worst cramps this time around. I find it interesting that my P4 last month was 75, and my cycle was 29 days long. I never had any terrible cramping or discomfort. This month my P4 was 22.1, and my cycle was 34 days long, and I have had the worst cramps ever; along with random bouts of nausea. I knew last night my period was coming.  I had these weird, sharp, stabbing like pains in my uterus that shot down to my va-jay-jay and my boobs were ever so slightly tender. 

Another sure fire way to tell that AF is coming for me is the fact that my urine has a much stronger smell a day or two before I start bleeding. I asked my nurse about that once and she said it was related to something I ate. But, we all know our bodies too well, and I knew it had nothing to do with diet. It happens every cycle around the same time; every time. 

We are taking a month off this cycle so that we can avoid having to pay the $500.00 out of pocket cost for a baseline ultrasound. If you want my honest opinion, the RE should code it as 620.2 (ovarian cysts), not 628.0 (infertility)! We know I have infertility; we are not checking for that! We are in fact looking for cysts and that can be totally unrelated to infertility. We also opted out of the U/S because  I never have any left over cysts and we would rather put the dough toward the IUI.

I really hate living in a state that does not mandate infertility coverage. It drives me mad. When are people going to understand that infertility is not inconvenience; it is a real medical issue. One that not only damages both the reproductive organs but they psyche as well. If we can call alcoholism and drug addiction; even gambling, a disease, then by God, so is the inability to conceive!

Sorry, rant over.

Anyway, we are taking a month off, I will start BCP on Tuesday and in 28 days I will have a period. During those 28 days I will also attempt a 21 day cleanse. I am scared and some what intimidated that I can't do it, but I am sure gonna try! I don't know if it will help, but I can't see the harm in trying! Besides, my body could use a good flush! When my cycle starts we will try the Femara again, monitored and paired with an IUI.

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In other news...

I am now unemployed. My last day at HRA was Friday. While I am going to miss parts of the job and some of the people, I am rally looking forward to re-grouping and figuring out what I really want to do. I am tired of being a "personal assistant" in a sense. I know that I am far more than that, but after a while, that is exactly what I felt like. I felt like I was always picking up after someone, doing dishes, folding laundry, and other non stimulating things. I need more than that. I just don't know what that is yet. Even at 31.

Last week my blog was mentioned in 4 different places. You can imagine my excitement when I was notified. My heart skipped a beat each time. What a great feeling to know that people tune into my battle and fight it with me. Complete strangers are rooting us on far more than some of our own family members. Blogging has brought me so many gifts. By gifts, I mean, new friends, new confidants, honest, loving, good hearted people to keep me going! So, thank you again to all of my readers. Thank you, to Tao of Pig Pen at Sunshine Dreams and Hopes, Amber at Old Lady no Baby, Katie at Non Sequitur Chica, for taking the time to mention my blog in your posts, and to those who pinned my blog from Resolve: The National Infertility Association's  Pinterest board. 

For the past week and a half I have had some bad low back pain and then a few days ago my "tail bone" starting hurting so bad that I had major discomfort sitting, standing, walking and even laying. I wonder if it is a pilonidal cyst or coccyx pain. I had a pilonidal cyst once before, around the same area, and OH MY GAWD! It was it horrible and  painful! With that being said, I think I may be going to the MD this week!! 

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I promise that with my time off of work I will try to write a thought provoking post. I know I have said that before, but I mean it. I have so many thoughts in my head, but, every time I sit down to write, I go blank. Damn writer's block.  Check me out... I am calling myself a "writer" now. Ha!




P.S. ALL addresses have been assigned for the Post Card Swap! If you want to participate but did not get any addresses please email me! All postcards are to be postmarked by March 29th! 
Remember: if you don't send your postcard you will let a real person down!

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The author of Sunshine Dreams and Hopes has a great book available through Amazon and Barnes and Noble titled "The Longest Love Letter".  Do me a favor? Go buy it and a box of tissues! He told me it was a letter to his daughter, but really it is a love letter to his wife. Both of whom have been a great support to me and to many many others.

Winner!

"How you doin'"? 
It is CD 15 today and my OPK tested positive today (and I have the CM to go with it!). I was ready to throw in the towel because I am an impatient ass. So you can only imagine what joy I felt when I saw that nice, strong, dark line this afternoon! I actually skipped! When I talked to the receptionist at my RE's office I told her "You would think I tested positive for pregnancy by the way I feel!" She laughed. The RN said "Congratulations! That is a positive! (I sent her an email with a photo of my OPK) Now, the important thing is to have intercourse tonight, tomorrow and the next day." I said, "Oh,  we can do that!". Ha ha! Blood work is scheduled for the 1st (Cd 21) to see how "well" I ovulated! 

I am kind of excited, nervous, proud and shocked all at the same time! To most people ovulation is no big deal. Shit, half the time women I know don't even know what to look for when it comes to ovulation! Take my sister for example (I love you sis...) she thought that you ovulated for DAYS! I have another friend who inquires about my infertility stuff and she just goes blank when I talk about follicles, progesterone, or ovaries; she has no idea what any of it means, yet she is a mother to an adorable little baby!

So, yeah, today is CD 15 and I had a positive LH surge! This is my first attempt at TTC since stopping BCP 4 weeks ago. I am not counting on ending this attempt with a positive pregnancy test, but I am not counting it out either! My RN said it can happen, especially in women with PCOS. I am not thinking too far ahead... I am just gonna ENJOY this positive OPK and hope for the best!

Happy Friday!

Forfeit?

Well, there may be a change of plans. I am waiting for a call back from my RE's office as I write this.

I had a cycle start December 28th and it ended January 1st. Once we decided to start trying again I stopped taking the birth control pills. I stopped them 9 days into my cycle. I didn't think there was an issue because the RN just said to stop taking them, she never said when. So, on CD 13 (Thursday) I noticed some spotting. It was very light and almost brown. This was mentioned to Sharon, and we said my cycle could very well start, and that I very well could ovulate. She said in fact that it tends to be the case with women with PCOS. She told me to let her know when I had a full flow.

I called on Friday to tell her that in fact the bleeding had changed. I had to use a tampon that one morning. But, the rest of the day was back to a very light flow with bright red blood and by the end of the night- nothing. Today, I again have very light spotting.

Since the Femara was $138.00, I don't want to waste it by taking it at the wrong time. I have a feeling the bleeding has something to do with stopping the BCPs. I have read online that stopping BCP causes the hormone levels to drop and that will cause menses to start; it can happen 7-14 days after stopping BCPs.

So, right now I am in limbo! I am okay with waiting this month out and just trying for TI. At the same time I worry how long it will be before my next full cycle.

I guess for now, I will sit back enjoy my ONE cup of coffee for the day and wait for a call back!

Happy Play-offs NFL fans! I am sad that Denver is out. What a HORRIBLE interception by Manning in OT! Ugh....

Update:
Doctor's office called back at 9am. This is CD#3- Moving forward with Femara #4 at 7.5mg for 5 days!

 

Femara Cycle #4

It's officially cycle day number uno! I stopped my birth control pills on Saturday the 5th (one week into my cycle). My last period was on December 28th. So, this is an early cycle for sure.

On Sunday, cycle day 3, I am suppose to start my Femara. I am taking 7.5mg this time. The last three times we did Femara cycles we used 5mg and only did a trigger shot and IUI once. I ovulated the first time on Femara remarkably well, my progesterone level was 29.7 on cycle day 21! That's pretty good.

The RN thinks since this is my first cycle off birth control and since I do show ovulation occurring with the Femara we didn't need to do a follicle check ultrasound, or IUI. She was basing this on our economic concern and the fact that I can ovulate and that is really all we need (and properly timed intercourse). However, if I WANT to do a HCG shot and IUI that is entirely up to me. I have this feeling inside that is telling me to just sit back, relax and try to time it right. But, timed intercourse and intercourse every other day for several days puts a lot of pressure on my husband, and an IUI is so much easier, less stressful, and we know the little guys go where they need to go.

So, the plan is to take Femara cycle days 3-7. Starting on cycle day 10, 11 or 12 (since I ovulate late) I will start OPK's. Once I see a slight change we are to "baby dance" that day and the next two days. She recommended every other day after that until cycle day 17. If we chose to do an IUI then we will do  mid-luteal blood work to see where I am in the cycle; we can also do a follicle check if we choose followed up with the IUI at my OB's office, here in town.

On cycle day 10, which is when I can start testing the LH surge, we will be out of town on a mini vacation. We are going wine tasting at a charming resort in Cottage Grove until the 21st; which is cycle day 12. I ovulate late so I may not get a positive surge until we get back but at least we can have a nice time relaxing, drinking wine away from home with one another during my most fertile time! How perfect is that timing?!

Fingers and toes are crossed. Say some prayers for us!!!