Juicing

I have decided to try juicing. For one, I don't eat enough vegetables and for two, a fellow infertile friend has lost quite a bit of weight in the short time she has been doing it. While I know that there is no "quick fix" I do know that this could help me not only shed some weight but, it will allow me a chance to get the nutrients that I  lack in my diet. I will be sure to add protein into my daily routine as well. I only plan to juice for breakfast; since that is a hard meal for me to put down, and for lunch. Mike and I will consume a balanced dinner each night, together.

I started out with: the juicer (that I got a smoking deal on), kale, spinach, beets, cucumbers, limes, lemons, strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, watermelon, grapes, pineapple (they were 10 for 10!) oranges, apples, carrots, mangos, ginger, blueberries, nectarines and celery. (Some stuff Mike will take for lunch, I'm sure.)

My first juice was a kale, apple, ginger and carrot. It was surprisingly good! I am looking forward to trying new recipes, making up my own recipes, and hopefully feeling better.

I'm Not Ready

As I was sitting there waiting for my mom and my sister to meet me for lunch yesterday this weird, yet, very calming feeling came over me. It was like my questions had been answered.

I'm not ready.

This is what my doubt was all about. It was the doubt inside myself that made me question my faith. 

I'm not ready. 

My body is not ready to be a womb for a baby. I'm over weight, my eating habits have been horrible, I don't exercise, and I worry too much. How can I expect my body to be home to baby when it's all out of sorts? I also know deep down that many people who are in much worse shape than myself get pregnant, easily. But, maybe that is not my path. Maybe I am to get myself healthy before I can be a healthy home to a growing child.

I am not ready. 

I need to heal inside. I need to bring my self back to my roots. I am not saying that by doing that I will be pregnant, but I might be happier. I want to find peace inside myself, peace with all my choices, my mistakes and my BFN's. I want to feel God's love. I want to believe in something; I want to trust in it. 
 

I am not ready.

IVF scares me. I am not ready to invest so much money into something that may not work. I am not ready to take that chance; and that makes me sad. I know that there is never a guarantee with any pregnancy, no matter how the pregnancy was achieved, so I understand the gamble doesn't start or end with IVF.

I am not ready.

I do not want to give up on the idea of IVF and the only reason I am not ready to go through with IVF is because, right now, we can't afford it. If money was not an issue, I would do IVF over and over again until we got pregnant or until recommended otherwise. It hurts; knowing that we have a good chance of getting pregnant with IVF, but realizing that we can't because cost stands in the way.

He is not ready. 

I would go into any amount of debt to try and have a child but my DH is not. I can't just think about my wants in moments like this. We are bringing our child into this world, we need to agree. I am not ready to cause a crater between myself and my DH just because money means nothing to me. That is not fair, nor is it right. We are a team. I am not ready to jeopardize that.

I am not ready.

I know that no matter what problems I have, we do have a chance to get pregnant. Pregnancy is a miracle and miracles happen every day. So, just because we can't afford all the treatments in the world, we can still try. We can do what we can do when we can do it. I am not ready to quit. Whether it be naturally or with a little help of ART we will continue to try for our little bundle. I am not ready to give up.  

I am not ready.

I realized that I am hurting inside because I doubt my faith so much. I feel so bad about that. I feel like I let my parents down when I question God. I want to believe, I want to know he has a great plan for  me, but it hurts to put all my faith into something that I haven't be able to trust. Yet, after typing that I wonder if it wasn't him that "saved" me all those times in my past. Maybe I have been able to trust all along, but was too blind to see it.

While I am ready to give some of my worry, stress, fear and heartbreak over to him, I am not ready to give it all. Yet.