All I Needed To Know I Learned on Vacation

While we were away on vacation I really "fell off the wagon". I took the advice of many and just relaxed and put TTC out of my mind. The entire week I was away I didn't chart my temps, I didn't take my meds and I didn't bother bringing OPKs with me. 

I am grateful that AF showed up when she did. Not only was my luteal phase right on; we were also able to really enjoy the time we had together. In the past we always seemed to be headed out of town near ovulation and I used to think that was the perfect time to "get it on", but now I am not too sure. This past week we were able to focus on us and the fun things we wanted to do with out the stress of TI.  Our vacation was a success and we were able to enjoy each other in an intimate fashion without any pressure,  just pure desire. It was the best sex we have had in a long time; we will both agree to that.

Now that we are home I have been contemplating whether or not I want to chart religiously, if I want to obsess over OPKs, if I want to force TI. I know that I have a hard time letting go of things; including things I never had control over in the first place. I have been so free of  worry and frustration this week but, I am not sure that feeling will stick around. I am about 5 days away from the time I should start testing for ovulation; Mike asked if I needed to get some tests while we were at the store the other day, instead of saying yes, I ponder the thought for a minute and said "No" and bolted out of the aisle before I could change my mind. I am not sure what I want to do.

A big part of me knows deep down that it will take a lot more than a positive OPK and perfect TI for us to conceive but, there is a small part of me that believes in miracles. The bigger part also tells me that since it will take a lot more that the norm, we should just stop worrying about it so much and just live. The small part of me says to do what I can until we are ready for IVF and Mike seems to be on board with that. He figures we can try and hope for the best. I keep telling myself that monitoring my cycles with BBT and OPKs will help me understand them better but, I have been doing that for 25 cycles now and I am still just as confused as ever and I am still not pregnant. There is always a dilemma with infertility, I swear!

This week also made me realize that I am married to a fantastic man who deals with my ups and downs with extreme patience and to a man who sees my pain before I feel it or express it. We spent some time talking about our life; the past, the present and the future. Even though we are no where close to "giving up" we are learning to accept the fact that we may never have children. Our life may be just what it is and we are okay with that, as long as we have one another.

If we never have children, I won't feel like my life isn't all that I want it to be. Today, my life is exactly what it is suppose to be; I am exactly where I need to be. I am sure seeing baby bumps will continue to hurt and I'm sure that I will still feel a sort of emptiness when I see a family of 3 (or more).  I am sure that I will still feel robbed as I hear the news of other's BFP but, I know that those feelings don't mean that I am unhappy or that I feel as though my life it not what I want it to be. It just means that the love we have for our unborn child will never go away nor will our desire to be parents.  I also know that the feelings of anger, bitterness, or envy, does not make me a bad person nor does it mean that I am insensitive or unhappy for others. It just means that I have a desire for a child and motherhood that runs deep.

This vacation also made me realize that it is okay to notice the freedom we have without children. I know that we spend so much of our time trying to figure out how to have kids that we don't spend enough time enjoying the alone time we have right now. It is okay to notice and appreciate how easy it is for us to do things with out children. It is okay to appreciate the peace and quite that we have. Being grateful for such things doesn't mean that we shouldn't have kids. Often times, I feel like because I want to be a mom and raise a child with my husband that I need to love all things about all kids all the time. That is not true. Right now I am a wife and I want to be able to focus on that while keeping hope that one day we will be parents.

I used to think that we were not ready to be parents. I thought that if we were not willing to put forth all of our energy, money and time, that we didn't want to be parents bad enough. I am sure there are people out there that probably do think that. However, I don't. My dream to be a mother will not die but, it will no longer take over my life. I have a wonderful family, a loving husband and a great dog, who at this time takes the place of a child. Those people deserve my attention and happiness, too; those people need me to be happy and present.

This ride we have been on has brought us closer to one another and it has taught us understanding. Infertility can either break or make a marriage and it is safe to say that while infertility might rob us of our dream to be parents but it won't rob us of the love we have for one another. Our love and commitment to each other is stronger than infertility.

There will come a day when I am back at the doctor's office, being poked and prodded too often, so for now I want to take some time to focus on the things and people I do have in my life. I want to leave the stress and worry at the door for a while. Does that mean I don't want to try? No. Does that mean we don't want to be parents bad enough? Hell no. 

For now, I will take it day by day. I am not sure how committed I will be to "trying" or monitoring, or not trying or not monitoring but, I will be committed to being happy and present. For a little while, at least.

Scatch That

Update on IUI #3 and other stuff.

I called my doctor today for my P4 results, since I never heard from them Thursday or Friday; don't they know it is not nice to keep us waiting? Geesh!

Anyway. Get this... My P4 was .98. Yes, POINT. NINE. EIGHT. That is a non-ovulatory number. That means I didn't ovulate too long before my IUI, if at all! So, I get have to have another blood test done in a week. I am praying that I had JUST ovulated since the ultrasound on Monday showed a 20.4mm follicle and the ultrasound on Wednesday showed a "corpus luteum". With any luck, by next week my P4 will show a good number. Hopefully, the egg was just released and that is why my number is so low the day of the IUI. I guess all we can do at this point is HOPE. 

I am trying to keep myself busy and not think about it too much. With the awesome weather lately it has been pretty easy to do (for the most part). I have been taking Zoie down to the river not far from my house. It is so peaceful and beautiful. I am happy that I stumbled upon it. I wish Zoie liked to swim but she doesn't. She will go up to her belly and then she turns around.  She prefers to run up and down the trail and occasionally she will stop for drink of water or to greet a passer by-er. 

Zoie waiting for me to catch up

Deschutes River at Tumalo

Fork in the river

We are also working on our back yard. It was kind of a sore subject there for a while. My husband decided to tear up my yard one day while I was at work. We had two dogs at one  point and the "puppy", who was a 13 month old Weimaraner, named Hans, destroyed everything in sight, including my washing machine and my back yard! Needless to say, he is no longer our dog.  After he was gone, Mike then decide that he was tired of watering and mowing the lawn, so he ripped it all up and thought he was going to leave the dirt and plant some dry climate plants; "all natural" he called it. Well, that was not going to fly with me. I need  want grass. After much research and many discussions we came to an agreement he gave in. We are putting the grass back! We are also going to put in 2 raised garden beds on one side and flowers and plants on the other side. We brought in rock to border the fence in hopes of keeping Zoie from kicking the bark all over when she runs up the fence line (bad habit, I know!). It is going to be a work in progress for a bit, but hopefully we can get it done before summer!

The beginning

Clean slate

This rock border

I have to mention NIAW before I go. This week has been so amazing. I am so thankful for all of the new followers and Facebook "likes" on the blogs page. NIAW has really brought some great resources and information to the public. I have received some really amazing comments and emails. It just reaffirms that what I am doing here really does make a difference. I think a summary of this week deserves a post of its own.

For now, I have to get ready for a surprise 40th birthday party!

Hugs.

Our Easter Weekend

What a great weekend! The weather here was amazing! We started the weekend off by babysitting L&L on Friday night. I made chicken and dumplings for dinner and both kids loved it! After watching the Lorax we tucked them tightly into bed on the couch and Zoie kept them safe for the rest of the night. It is so nice for us when L&L spend the night because that means we get the whole bed to ourselves; all night!! Normally, Zoie is at our feet or between us.

Saturday we got up and had the best breakfast ever; Cinnamon rolls and BACON! After that we dyed some Easter eggs. The kids did a great job- don't you think ;-)?

 While they were busy making a mess, I decided I would make one too! I made yummy coconut macaroons drizzled with chocolate to bring over to my moms on Sunday. Don't these look yummy? 

The kids liked them!

After we cleaned up our mess, and ourselves, we ventured out to the park with Zoie. It was such a pretty day. The kids played on the monkey bars and I swung on the swing. Man, I forgot how much fun the swings are! It felt so refreshing. Of course after a lot of heavy playing the kids were thirsty so we took them for Italian sodas! I had my favorite; raspberry and almond and they had strawberry. Yum! When we got home they were both very tired so we turned on some Pound Puppy and chilled until mommy and daddy came to pick them up. After they went home DH and I (mostly DH) did a tad bit of yard work, again taking advantage of the great weather. We are re-doing our back yard so there is lots to be done!

Lily was beat after the park and Zoie makes a great pillow

This morning DH slept til 9am while I was up at 6am. It never fails. I can't ever sleep in. I don't really mind getting up though, so I don't really complain. Once we were up and about we sorta just putzed around the house. We did a bit more yard work and some housekeeping. I read some blogs and responded to some emails while DH tied some flies. Then we headed over to my mom and dad's.

Before we ate we spent some time playing and visiting with family. DH was playing baseball with the kids and I tried my hand at Bocce ball; I was bored after the third toss. Dinner was awesome as always. I love my moms cooking! We has Swiss sausage, ham, baked potatoes and salad. It was so wonderful to be able to eat outside. Last year it was overcast and not very warm! After eating the kids searched for eggs. Watching them hunt was so much fun. I love seeing how excited they get.

Here are some photos from today!

I hope you all had a great Easter weekend, I know I did!!



 



Memories in Melodies

Today, while I was laid up on the couch I decided to turn Hulu off and turn the tunes up. It made me want to share some of my favorites songs with you. Each of these songs has a memory attached to it. I won't list all of them, that would be a loooong post, but here are a few.

My dad, little sister and I, used to listen to Pasty Cline. We loved her. I remember watching a movie about her life over and over again! I wish I remembered the name of the movie.

"Walking After Midnight" Patsy Cline

New Kids on the Block- every little girls crush in the 1980's. Well, mine at least. I had a huge crush on Jordan. Most girls crushed on Donnie.

 

"You Got It" NKOTB

This song reminds me of my DH. 
I heard it on my way home one day and it just made me think of him.

"God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton

MY Bridal March. I walked down the aisle to this song. I love it so much. It will always be my favorite love song!

"Marry Me: by Train

Our First Dance- I searched long and hard for our first dance song. I was picky and wanted a song that described our relationship, but one that was not over played. My DH said this was "the one" the very first time he heard it. He loved the lyrics, and that was the most important to us. So here you go...

"Finally Got it Right" by Fooling April

The Father- Daughter Dance- I loved this song the first time I heard it. My dad is very religious and it just seemed to be perfect for our dance. I love my dad.

"Always be Your Baby" by Natalie Grant

I will leave you with this final song.

 I love Tracy Chapman.

This song is a great soundtrack to my life.

 "At This Point in My Life"

What are some of your favorite songs?

Stuff; in No Particular Order

CD 29, and DPO 12.

I have not taken a HPT yet. For some reason waiting is easier for me than seeing a BFN. It is almost as if the longer I wait, the longer I can hold on to hope. I did stand in front of the HPT at the store today for a about 3 minutes; debating. My DH talked me out of it since I am having AF like cramps and my temp did drop a bit this morning. He said to wait until I am late, that however, ranges from 30-35 days.

I can't believe I am actually going to say this out loud (or in print) but the other day I was sitting on the couch and a random, sudden feeling came over me. I felt warm and excited for a minute. I thought to myself "I am pregnant", then I stopped smiling and felt silly for even thinking that. I mean really, after all this trying, all these test, and all this monitoring, how could I think that I would get pregnant this easy.

During the 2WW, we (infertiles) drive ourselves crazy analyzing every symptom we experience.

It is easy to think that every thing we feel could be related to pregnancy. Maybe it is because pregnancy is something we want and crave so much. I keep thinking that I feel new symptoms, or that the symptoms I normally feel are different. I had a really weird headache that left me kinda dizzy and unable to think straight about 8 days ago and I started thinking that could have been implantation. I have been having a lot of sharp side pains and some uterus pains. When I look back at my notes, I seemed to experience the same symptoms, just maybe not as bad. I have been craving chocolate though, and that is never a good sign.

The nurse told me that my P4 level last month was so much higher because I could have dropped 5, yes FIVE, eggs. She thought that this month I could have potentially dropped 2 eggs. The elevated P4 does have some down falls. I am bloated  and have been crampy since ovulation. Not to mention that I have had low back pain now for a week. 

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On another note, I did not get the job with the ND. I am okay with that. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I think I need to buckle down and find a place I WANT to work at and that offers opportunities to advance. While the ND office may have been a great schedule, the environment was not my style, and to be honest, I want out of alternative care medicine. I am also getting tired of lots of multi taking. It has taken its toll on me; or at least this last job has. My last day at HRA is either the 15th or the 22nd. I can work til the 22nd if I want, but I am not sure I do. I am really burnt out and unmotivated since I know that I will be out of a job sooner than I would like. But, I am not going to stress about that too much. I know something will come up.

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Post Card Swap

The post card swap will take place March 25-29th. Be sure to have the postcards mailed by the 29th! I will get you your 3 addresses by the 24th, I promise. I hope this is fun and that you all get great postcards from fellow bloggers or IFers from all over the place!

Book Club

The Kitchen House was the pick of the month and I love it! I have a hard time putting it down. I even read it on my phone at the front desk the other day! I hope that you are all enjoying it  as well! One follower has already finished it! Way to go, Heather!!

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Katie, at Non Sequitur Chica sent me these awesome socks and super cute card. The card inside says "think hugs and hope". I love them. I hope she likes the ones that I sent her!

Well, I guess that is all I have for now. One day, I promise to sit down and write a meaningful, thought provoking post.



Pass the Milk

Oh. My. Heavens. 

These were the best cookies I have made. I tend to burn or over bake all cookies that I make; but not this time! My mom gave me airbake cookie sheets for Christmas and they are amazing. The cookies cooked perfectly! Since it was such a milestone in our house I wanted to share....the recipe and picture.

Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies

2 cups all-purpose flour

• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 3/4 cup unsalted butter, melted
• 1 cup packed brown sugar
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 1 egg
• 1 egg yolk
• 2 cups semisweet chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Grease cookie sheets.

Sift together flour, baking soda and salt, set aside. In a medium bowl, cream together butter, brown sugar and white sugar. Beat in vanilla, egg and egg yolk until light and creamy, about 1 minutes. Mix in the sifted ingredients until just blended. Stir in the chocolate chips by hand. Drop cookie dough a little less than 1/3 cup (yes 1/3 cup) at a time onto the cookie sheet. Cookies should be 3 inches apart.

Bake for 15-17 minutes in preheated oven. Cool on baking sheets for a few minutes before transferring to wire racks to cool completely.

Makes anywhere from 12-18 cookies

Recipe from All recipes

What a friggin' day!

Ha, What a day! 

It started off with a phone call from my boss (we will call her "A") letting me know that she was going to fire our office manager (we will call her "B"); my immediate supervisor.

Let me give you some background.

For the past two weeks "B" has been on 'paid administrative leave' and was under investigation for creating a hostile work environment. There were several complaints regarding her attitude and demeanor from other employees; myself included. I was harassed via text messages for allegedly throwing away post it notes that her daughter drew on. After about the 10the message I called "A" and told her I was not dealing with it. I was ready to quit. I have been dealing with a shitty attitude from"B" for a while. She is rude, snappy, and loves to micro-manage. So, the non-stop messaging tipped me over the edge. "A" told me such was meeting with a HR consultant to figure out how to handle "B" and asked me to "hang in there". That was 2+ weeks ago and the situation has finally been resolved. "B" was fired today. 

But, it does not end there!

"A" told me that with the changes she was looking to bring in one person, full time, from 8-5, Monday through Friday, with a lot of billing experience who can work in the mornings doing billing and then switch gears and "man" the front desk for the remainder of the day. She said that she knew I did not want full time. She is sorta right. I took the job at HRA because initially I did not want to work full time. I left APT for a lighter schedule and a higher wage. But, since I made that transition we have noticed that money is tighter than we would like it to be. So, I told "A" that I was willing to work that shift for her. I don't want to lose my job. She said "thanks for letting me know." I did ask her if she was replacing me as well and she said she has to see what she needs as far as abilities and experience. Huh? I billed 300 claims a week, ran front desk, and kept up on "housekeeping" for 8 physical therapist! I think I can bill 70 claims a week for 4 acupuncturist!  But, whatever (yes, I am tad bitter). I guess I just have to wait and see what she decides.

Which  brings me to my next event of the day...

Since I thought "B" might be sticking around I started applying for new jobs. Today I had an invitation to attend a "group interview" for a naturalpathic doctor in town. When I got there I was notified that "B" was going to be there too! The woman who put the interview together, Layla, is also a patient of  "A's" and knows "B" from the office. What are the fucking odds? Anyway, "B" and I sat next to each other with the interviewing doctor between us. It was too close for comfort! Group interviews suck by the way and this made it that much worse. However, I made it through, thank God. They said they will call by the end of the week for private interviews. I just want to add that there were 80 resumes submitted and only 8 invited for the interview! 

THEN.... Just now...

I am at home, writing this blog, and I got a message from "A" telling me that "B" has been sending unpleasant text messages to other employees. She asked me to ignore her, save any messages and let her know asap. She said she apologizes for dragging me into this drama and she said that she appreciates me being in the office right now. 

When I came back into my computer I noticed I had an "alert" on my FB page. Guess what?! "B" friend requested me! She then followed that up with a text saying..." Fuck you. All I needed was job to take care of my kid. Ruthless." Oh my.

Ok, so lets move on now to my last un event of the day. I took more OPKs today and these were the results. There were 3 but the CB did not have a smiley face so it is photo shy.

Top: CD 15 morning- Middle: CD16 morning- Bottom: CD 16 afternoon

So let me ask you... WHAT day do I call OVULATION!?