Fork In The Road

I hate feeling lost. I hate not knowing which way to go when faced with a difficult decision; I've never been good at making up my mind even when it comes to the dinner menu. I thought that maybe if I wrote some of my thoughts down, I might find some inner peace or direction. Besides, some of you said you would follow my blog no matter what I wrote about; as long as I wrote. So, here I am.... writing.

A year ago I started with the office I am currently working at. I was approached via Facebook about the position by the practice owner. I knew him from the physical therapy office I was working for at the time as he was a patient and I ran the front office and was the billing manager; after seeing him week after week we became some-what "friends". I was happy that my personality left that much of an impression on him that he sought me out for a job.

I don't want to get into a whole lot of detail here but let me just say that in the year I have been with this company it has been constant transition, training, turn over and drama. I am not kidding. When I was hired I was "warned" by a couple employees about a certain employee and her inability to take responsibility or to be dependable. Let me just say this: they were right! Man, were they right! I hate to be cynical here but anyone who calls into work the last two days of the work week on a bi-weekly basis, is not ill- they are habitual and after a long weekend. 

However, the one who warned me of the shady employee forgot to mention she was one as well! This girl can NOT stop shit talking each and every person or patient in that office. She loves to call people out in front of anyone and everyone. She is seriously like a bull in a china closet; not the type of assistant you want chair side; I swear. She may know her stuff but she is loud, clumsy and flat out annoying! In fact, one night we were all out for a benefit and Mike was so annoyed with her and her loud mouth that he actually cupped his hands over his ears to shut her out- not shitting you! It was hilarious!!

And then there is the retiring doctor.... oh my gosh. I have never in my life met a grown man act like such a girl in high school. Honestly; he is worse than any brat I went to school with! He is so immature that he gave two if us the silent treatment because we were friends with ex-employees of his and went out for drinks and he didn't appreciate seeing the photos of us all on Facebook. He told us all once that if we saw so and so we had "better walk the other way or turn our backs". It is that petty. 

Here comes my fork. 

In January the practice sold to a husband and wife team. They are younger than me and my youngest sister, but they are super awesome and I want to believe they will thrive in the practice they have taken over. However, the drama continues.... as a matter of fact, I think it has gotten worse since they have taken over. There's a definite disconnect in the office. I feel like there are a few people who are very untrustworthy and backstabbing. I feel like someone is always trying to thrown someone under the bus and it's so easy to get wrapped up in drama; I hate it! 

Today, I was offered a management position with a chiropractor that a previous employer had recommended me to and the other day I was called back by a doctor I had interviewed with a year or more ago; I even declined her offer back then because we were too focused on trying to make a baby! Even though I never submitted a resume- I've got two job offers that could potentially lead me out of the drama zone I am in--- and I don't know what road to take. Do I stay or do I go?

I brought the issues to the new owners today and I told him of the offers I have on the table. I explained that I want to see them succeed and that I would love to help them to do so, but that I was unable to continue toward that goal with them, the way things are now. I suggested a communication course for the team, or, to have an HR consultant take a look at how we communicate to help us identify the struggles and ways we could over come them as a team. I even offered to remove myself from the equation completely once the doctor told me he didn't even want to come to work because of the drama! How sad is that!?

Right now, it basically feels like I've got my fork and zero appetite. I wish someone would tell me what I'm having. 

Side note: In the past 4 months I have had a 70 day cycle, a 13 day cycle, and now probably a 28 day cycle as I am spotting on CD 26.... weird!

Stuff; in No Particular Order

CD 29, and DPO 12.

I have not taken a HPT yet. For some reason waiting is easier for me than seeing a BFN. It is almost as if the longer I wait, the longer I can hold on to hope. I did stand in front of the HPT at the store today for a about 3 minutes; debating. My DH talked me out of it since I am having AF like cramps and my temp did drop a bit this morning. He said to wait until I am late, that however, ranges from 30-35 days.

I can't believe I am actually going to say this out loud (or in print) but the other day I was sitting on the couch and a random, sudden feeling came over me. I felt warm and excited for a minute. I thought to myself "I am pregnant", then I stopped smiling and felt silly for even thinking that. I mean really, after all this trying, all these test, and all this monitoring, how could I think that I would get pregnant this easy.

During the 2WW, we (infertiles) drive ourselves crazy analyzing every symptom we experience.

It is easy to think that every thing we feel could be related to pregnancy. Maybe it is because pregnancy is something we want and crave so much. I keep thinking that I feel new symptoms, or that the symptoms I normally feel are different. I had a really weird headache that left me kinda dizzy and unable to think straight about 8 days ago and I started thinking that could have been implantation. I have been having a lot of sharp side pains and some uterus pains. When I look back at my notes, I seemed to experience the same symptoms, just maybe not as bad. I have been craving chocolate though, and that is never a good sign.

The nurse told me that my P4 level last month was so much higher because I could have dropped 5, yes FIVE, eggs. She thought that this month I could have potentially dropped 2 eggs. The elevated P4 does have some down falls. I am bloated  and have been crampy since ovulation. Not to mention that I have had low back pain now for a week. 

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On another note, I did not get the job with the ND. I am okay with that. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I think I need to buckle down and find a place I WANT to work at and that offers opportunities to advance. While the ND office may have been a great schedule, the environment was not my style, and to be honest, I want out of alternative care medicine. I am also getting tired of lots of multi taking. It has taken its toll on me; or at least this last job has. My last day at HRA is either the 15th or the 22nd. I can work til the 22nd if I want, but I am not sure I do. I am really burnt out and unmotivated since I know that I will be out of a job sooner than I would like. But, I am not going to stress about that too much. I know something will come up.

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Post Card Swap

The post card swap will take place March 25-29th. Be sure to have the postcards mailed by the 29th! I will get you your 3 addresses by the 24th, I promise. I hope this is fun and that you all get great postcards from fellow bloggers or IFers from all over the place!

Book Club

The Kitchen House was the pick of the month and I love it! I have a hard time putting it down. I even read it on my phone at the front desk the other day! I hope that you are all enjoying it  as well! One follower has already finished it! Way to go, Heather!!

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Katie, at Non Sequitur Chica sent me these awesome socks and super cute card. The card inside says "think hugs and hope". I love them. I hope she likes the ones that I sent her!

Well, I guess that is all I have for now. One day, I promise to sit down and write a meaningful, thought provoking post.



Another Wednesday Post

Ok, I am a little post happy today, I apologize

I got a call back about the interview I went to on Monday. They want me to come in, see the office, and meet patients! The HR woman who called told me I made a lasting impression with my smile alone.What a great compliment. She said she was a life coach and that she studied the DISC Behavioral Styles and that I identify as a "high I". I have no idea what that means!

I can't help but wonder if "B" got a call back too. 

Now... Here is a slide show this cycle's OPKs. Nothing makes sense to me! I guess I need to wait it out and watch the temps because these OPKs are a friggin joke! Check my BBT charts on the left of the blog posts... they are not much help either!

I am still having "ovulation" pains. I am a tad bloated. I am over bd'ing! No offense babe!

Whats your letter?    I am a high "I".... so I was told. I think she nailed it!

What a friggin' day!

Ha, What a day! 

It started off with a phone call from my boss (we will call her "A") letting me know that she was going to fire our office manager (we will call her "B"); my immediate supervisor.

Let me give you some background.

For the past two weeks "B" has been on 'paid administrative leave' and was under investigation for creating a hostile work environment. There were several complaints regarding her attitude and demeanor from other employees; myself included. I was harassed via text messages for allegedly throwing away post it notes that her daughter drew on. After about the 10the message I called "A" and told her I was not dealing with it. I was ready to quit. I have been dealing with a shitty attitude from"B" for a while. She is rude, snappy, and loves to micro-manage. So, the non-stop messaging tipped me over the edge. "A" told me such was meeting with a HR consultant to figure out how to handle "B" and asked me to "hang in there". That was 2+ weeks ago and the situation has finally been resolved. "B" was fired today. 

But, it does not end there!

"A" told me that with the changes she was looking to bring in one person, full time, from 8-5, Monday through Friday, with a lot of billing experience who can work in the mornings doing billing and then switch gears and "man" the front desk for the remainder of the day. She said that she knew I did not want full time. She is sorta right. I took the job at HRA because initially I did not want to work full time. I left APT for a lighter schedule and a higher wage. But, since I made that transition we have noticed that money is tighter than we would like it to be. So, I told "A" that I was willing to work that shift for her. I don't want to lose my job. She said "thanks for letting me know." I did ask her if she was replacing me as well and she said she has to see what she needs as far as abilities and experience. Huh? I billed 300 claims a week, ran front desk, and kept up on "housekeeping" for 8 physical therapist! I think I can bill 70 claims a week for 4 acupuncturist!  But, whatever (yes, I am tad bitter). I guess I just have to wait and see what she decides.

Which  brings me to my next event of the day...

Since I thought "B" might be sticking around I started applying for new jobs. Today I had an invitation to attend a "group interview" for a naturalpathic doctor in town. When I got there I was notified that "B" was going to be there too! The woman who put the interview together, Layla, is also a patient of  "A's" and knows "B" from the office. What are the fucking odds? Anyway, "B" and I sat next to each other with the interviewing doctor between us. It was too close for comfort! Group interviews suck by the way and this made it that much worse. However, I made it through, thank God. They said they will call by the end of the week for private interviews. I just want to add that there were 80 resumes submitted and only 8 invited for the interview! 

THEN.... Just now...

I am at home, writing this blog, and I got a message from "A" telling me that "B" has been sending unpleasant text messages to other employees. She asked me to ignore her, save any messages and let her know asap. She said she apologizes for dragging me into this drama and she said that she appreciates me being in the office right now. 

When I came back into my computer I noticed I had an "alert" on my FB page. Guess what?! "B" friend requested me! She then followed that up with a text saying..." Fuck you. All I needed was job to take care of my kid. Ruthless." Oh my.

Ok, so lets move on now to my last un event of the day. I took more OPKs today and these were the results. There were 3 but the CB did not have a smiley face so it is photo shy.

Top: CD 15 morning- Middle: CD16 morning- Bottom: CD 16 afternoon

So let me ask you... WHAT day do I call OVULATION!?

Torturous Tuesday

You see, Tuesday is my Monday. The office is busy all the time and coming in on Tuesday with all of Monday's stuff to catch up on can really be a drag! Not to mention the ridiculous amounts of laundry I get stuck doing! I. Hate. Laundry.

I am a huge multi-tasker and I do all of my duties well, so sometimes it gets me in trouble! What do I mean? I mean, the more I do and get done, the more sh*t I have to do! I guess it can be called "productivity". I will use that at the next interview I go to when they ask what my strong suits are.. "I am a bad ass productive multi-tasker!" (Ok, maybe not in so many words!)

Which reminds me! I got a call back for a second interview from Friday! The position is full time, with benefits, and vacation; but I am just not sure the position is for me. I am great with insurance, but I hate talking on the phone. The position is for a customer service representative for a small, self-funded, health insurance company. Right off the bat they told me that the schedule was not flexible, which was a turn off for both my husband and myself. I have a really great schedule right now; and the jobs not so bad either, even with the sh*t ton of laundry, and I am able to have Friday afternoons off and Mondays off! So, if we are in Eugene for treatment or need to go; we have that flexibility!  Sometimes, you just have to push through the daily crap, go to work, do your job, and enjoy that moment when you get to clock out and go home! Home is my safe place.

Today I also started thinking about pregnancy tests. Ha! Welcome to the 2WW! I am DPO 3! I have not started imagining symptoms yet... though, I am sure that will come soon enough. I am still having a lot of pains on my left side, but then again, I have an enlarged left ovary, so maybe thats why! My last (+) OPK was CD 17. I guess we can call CD 16 or 17 my "O" day. I never know, its so confusing! I doubt that I ovulate this late, but maybe.

Recently a few people I have gotten to know have either had chemical pregnancies or found out that they are pregnant! I would give anything for a BFP! While I know the chemical pregnancy is a total heart break and not fun; I envy the fact that they even just got a positive pregnancy test. I would give anything for that.

I know the consequences of conception. Anyone in the infertility world has to. Each and every pregnant woman risks miscarriage. Bearing children has no guarantee. My mother carried my brother full term before he died in the womb. My friend had twins at 28 weeks, they both survived. You. Just. Never. Know.
I know to some it sounds crazy; I am sure people who have been there will tell me differently, but after all this time of trying, I just want to know my body can work! Even if it is just part of the time, some times, at the worst of times, the best of times or every time in between; I just need it to work.

Go away stress!

Today is my second to last day taking the Femara. One more day to go! I am all stocked up on OPKs and will start testing Saturday. Let me say that Femara is so much better than Clomid! Oh my, Clomid is evil. I had mood swings like you would not believe, and horrible hot flashes. I don't notice anything with the Femara and I don't think my husband does either.; at least I haven't heard him complain. He hated the Clomid effects!

Of course, right about now I am hit with too much stress. I feel like I am on edge all the time. Work has me bothered. I love my job (what I do), the hours are nice and pay is good. However, my schedule is looking to change. Our third front desk help put in her notice and so now we are down to two. I might have to close the office every night at 6pm. That means I will get home at 6:30-7pm and in bed by 9pm. My husband gets up early for work, so we are not night owls by any means. Besides, I left a full time job with great benefits, retirement, paid vacation/holidays, because I did not want to work late every single night. We see an RE in Eugene and my current schedule allows travel on a weekday since I have Friday afternoons and Mondays off. This new schedule will make getting to my appointments rather difficult. So, you can see why I am a bit distressed; and all at the wrong time! We have decided that I need to be my own boss. Ha! Wouldn't that be rad! I have also pondered the thought of going back to school. That was another reason why I took this job- so that I could get some more classes under my belt. 

Funny how things change.

I am hoping that this weekend's get-a-away gives me some reprieve. I need to relax and shut things off for a bit. I had a headache all night. This morning I am so tense because I just can't stop worrying about work! Normally I am worried about ovulating and what not... Maybe I am just a worry wort. ;-)