Sunday, August 11, 2013

Whatever It Is...

Where do I even start? Even though it has only been 2 weeks since my last post, it feels like forever since I've shared my thoughts with the keyboard so, I am going to warn you now that this post will most likely be all over the place and maybe even a little contradictory at times. 

Let me start by saying that work is going great! I absolutely LOVE it! I have caught onto the dental terminology and the office procedures pretty quickly. The staff has been more than great. Each one of them have told me how great I am doing; which feels pretty awesome! I should also mention that the hours are pretty kick ass. I get alternating 3 and 4 day weekends and I am off by 4 pm! And, I also just got my first bonus check! I can't complain about one darn thing when it comes to work. I feel very blessed and fortunate to work for such a generous doctor and with such fun ladies. This job was definitely worth the wait.

Last weekend we went camping, again. We headed for a campground in the Mt. Hood National Forest but that didn't fair out so well. Every single campground was full. Not. Kidding. I was pissed. We drove for 4 hours before we decided that we would just turn around and head home. On the way back we happened to find a pretty sweet spot off the side of the road so we decided to set up camp. I never knew that it was free to camp along the road in the forest! Luckily we found a spot where we could pull off the road into the campsite. It was super peaceful and private. Mike caught a few fish, I was able to finish a book, and Zoie got her first tick. Eeeek! 

Our own private campground
A view from the river
Mike fly fishing
My first time chopping wood

I was really worried that AF was going to show up while we were in the woods without a bathroom. But, she never did make her appearance, thank goodness! I wouldn't have enjoyed the trip much if she did. I'll confess that I even took a HPT when we got back since it was nearly 2 weeks since I took the last one. I thought "maybe, juuuust maybe...". Of course, the test was negative and my period started the next day. I swear it happens every time!

It was a horrible period. I had terrible cramps the first two days and it was heavy. I hate it when my cycle goes that long; 48 days long... the periods are NEVER fun at that point. Today is CD 5 and I am still spotting. UGH!

I wish I could say that I was excited to start on a new cycle; I'm not. I don't really care, to be honest. I am not sure if I am ready to accept a child-free life or if I am trying to convince myself that I am suppose to live this life child-free. 

I know that I have said that I am content and happy with the life we have and that I am ready to live instead of wait. Even though I do believe that I am happier, I am not sure that I am as content as I say. I wonder if I am "faking it until I make it". I wonder if I am trying to convince myself that I am not meant to be a mother because it is not happening as easily as it should.

I am trying to find the difference between acceptance and convincing. No one can tell me how, when, where, if, I will ever get pregnant. No one can tell me that I will one day have a family. No one can guarantee that sort of thing. So, should I start entertaining the idea of a life lived forever without children? I'd prefer to entertain the idea that we can live our life child-free with the hopes that one day we will be parents. 

Recently, I was pondering the life without children. I was thinking about all the times that we are able to pick up and leave without reserve. I thought about all the times we are able to plan a vacation that revolves only around us, I thought about the lack of clutter and noise we have, I thought about all the extra things we get to buy ourselves and all the fancy dinners we get to enjoy with out having to track down a babysitter. I thought about all the things we get to do and all the things we will be able to do if we chose to live a life child-free.

Then I started thinking about all the things we would be missing out on. We would never hear the words "I love you mommy, I love you daddy", we would never feel the tiny arms holding us tight, we would never get to experience sleepless nights, we would never see firsts steps taken, never hear firsts words spoken. I thought about the things we will never experience if we chose to live a child-free life.

After imagining my life both ways- neither seemed to be the "perfect life". One path didn't have all the answers. Each path would be giving up something in order to gain something. 

I read an article in Time Magazine that talked about living the child-free life and it made me think about a couple that they featured who were faced with the reality that life would be lived with out children. Instead of letting that reality destroy them, they chose to grieve the life they didn't have. She put a pink tutu in a box and he put in a "geek article". They keep the box close and always remember the child they wished they had- on the other hand, they would have grieved the life they have now; had they had children. You see, it just goes to show that we must give to receive.

As of this moment, I am not sure I am meant to be a mother. Honestly, it is because I do love my life the way it is at the moment and because I am not ready to invest nearly $20,000 into IVF so that we can TRY another way to get pregnant. I can't put us that far into debt for only the hope of it working. I know that sometimes it takes hard work, money, science, and a whole lot of patience, and hope to get pregnant but, right now I don't have it. I don't have that sort of commitment or desperation to conceive. I admire and envy those women who were; and are, determined enough to do whatever they can; at any cost, to have their family. I just can't. I'm not there yet. Maybe I am not ready to be a mother?

I am just not sure it is what I am suppose to do. If it was, why am I so torn?  I started thinking that sometimes somethings just aren't meant to be- no matter how hard I try; no matter how bad I want it; if it isn't going to happen- it isn't, and I usually have a gut feeling as to which way it is going to go. My battle with infertility is reminding me a lot of an abusive relationship. It is a constant ride of emotional highs and lows, some one is always hurt and let down but they continue to go back for more... with hopes that the next time will be different. I know this- because I was there once. Why should I think that the next big treatment is going to be the one?

Normally, I am not one to believe in God's will... but you know what? I do believe in Him and I do think my life has a purposeful path and even though it may not be the path I want right now, I want to believe it is the path I was meant to navigate. I also want to believe that when the time is right- I will conceive and if that day never comes I want to believe I will know why someday. Some how.

Am I accepting this current reality? Am I convincing myself  that this is what my life was destined to be? Am I in denial? Am I trying to find ways to dull the pain? Who knows.... all I know is that is feels good not to be in a fight with myself, Mike, or God. So, whatever it is I am doing... I hope I continue doing it because right now it is making me feel less defeated and more empowered.

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.
Maya Angelou
 

33 comments:

  1. Where to even start? I'm glad you're enjoying your job and that you're happy. There are no easy answers on this journey, for sure. I know exactly how feel about wondering if you really want to be a mom bad enough if you're not willing to go through "anything" to get it. I simply think that's not true. It is hard to sacrifice so much for a mere chance of success. Yet it is hard to grieve and accept living child-free. Whatever makes you feel empowered, keep right on doing it! :)

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    1. Thanks, Jessah. I am sure my attitude and thoughts will change on this... but for now, this is where I am and I am going to find peace in it.

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  2. You are handling this so well. I commend you for being honest about your feelings and quite frankly, I'm jealous. I'm jealous that you were smart enough to think it all out. I jumped into IVF and got nothing but heart ache and debt. My advice to everyone is to think like you. It doesn't mean you're not ready to be a mother. It just means you're already prepared to me a mother because you aren't acting on impulse, but on fact.

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    1. Awe, thank you so much! This comment truly made me smile!

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  3. What a wonderful post. I agree with you on so many points you made. I know I never would have been able to pay $20,000 for a CHANCE to have a baby. My IVF in Mexico was less than half of that, which was the only reason I tried IVF at all. I WOULD spend #20,000 on adoption, but for some reason, I feel like if I am going to have kids, it has to be at least 2. I want to either live child-free, or to have a big family.

    Sometimes I feel like I could take on the child-free life, and other times I don't. I guess only time will tell. I hope you find peace with whatever you decide. I know you will be happy.

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    1. Infertility is horrible. I wish that I never had to chose what treatments to do or when to do them. I just hope that I never lose the HOPE!

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  4. I am so glad you are enjoying your job, not many people can honestly say that :) Your post is exactly how I feel also. Just yesterday the Hubby and I were talking about a couple of trips we want to take and of course if we had a baby we wouldn't have the time or money. Such a double edged sword because of course I'd choose the baby over trips. I am in a study with a group of women at church and the lesson I was watching yesterday was about time. When it's time, when it's not time, when it's someone elses time and when it's God's time. Talk about exactly what I needed to hear right now. Beth Moore (the lady who we are listining to the study from) pointed out that we are usually waiting on a thing or event. Instead we should wait upon the Lord, his timing is always perfect :)

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    1. My job rocks. Seriously.

      I know that we all give up something to have kids and we all give up something when we chose not to. For me, I am not sure it is a choice; but more like a reality. But, you never ever know.... miracles happen!

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  5. I was so happy to see a post from you! Always love reading your stuff :)


    I am so happy that everything is falling into place with your new job. You have such a sweet, giving, fun personality. I knew you would be a great addition.

    As always, your camping spot is beautiful and looks like so much fun. Are you guys still thinking about purchasing a pop-up?

    I hope on the ttc front that regardless what decision you make, it is the right one for you and most importantly, it makes you happy. I am still rooting for you!

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    1. You are so sweet, Toni!

      I am sure that in a couple weeks/months I will be right back to wanting to try anything... but for now, I am okay with the life we have. I am not giving up..... I'm just taking it slow- er.

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  6. I know exactly how you feel...my husband and I are in the same place. Not sure if we want to go through it all again, and at what cost? And do we really want kids anyway? Can we accept living childfree? Will we regret it? Will we regret having kids? How happy are we with life the way it is? Etc. etc... It's certainly a mixed bag. I know how you feel when you say it's like being in an abusive relationship. We are constantly yo-yoing back and forth and a huge part of me wants to say - "forget about it, just let whatever is going to happen, happen". Good luck!

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    1. I sometimes feel like because we have a hard time getting preggo... that I want it more. I can't decide if it is I want to because I can't... or I want to because that is what I WANT

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  7. <3 I'm having a hard time finding words. I'm glad you posted again. I always look forward to reading what you have to say. The main thing I wish for you is peace and contentment with whatever decision you and Mike come to.

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    1. You are amazing! Thank you soooooo much for the card! I loved your words.

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  8. I love the pictures of the campsite--just gorgeous!

    As for the rest of the post, powerful stuff. So much of what you said resonates with me. The statement about infertility being like an abusive relationship just gave me chills. I unfortunately have been there too (many years ago), and wow when you said, "It is a constant ride of emotional highs and lows, some one is always hurt and let down but they continue to go back for more... with hopes that the next time will be different"--I just had to stop for a second because it's so true.

    I don't think at all that your decision not to pursue IVF right now means you are not ready to be a mother. All of us who have walked the path of infertility are as ready to be parents as anyone ever can be. Yeah, teenagers and drug addicts who get pregnant by accident (ugh!), those people are not ready. But those of us who have dreamed and prayed and endured all the doctors visits and heartbreaks, well I say we even more prepared for and deserving of parenthood than the average fertile couple. Of course, being ready and deserving doesn't guarantee anything on this journey. But I will keep hoping for you!

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    1. THANK YOU!!I really do believe that my IF is just like the abusive relationship.... I am happy some one understood the analogy. But. I am also sorry that you understand... no one deserves to be in a bad relationship with another person.... or IF!!

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  9. I seriously feel like we are on the same exact page. I did myself trying to force myself to believe that a childless life is the life I'm meant to live. When I see children having melt downs in public I think to myself "ugh! At least I wouldn't have to deal with THAT!". But then, we show up childless to a friend's kid's birthday party and we are the only ones without a baby. And then my heart swells with hurt. All this to say, you are not alone my friend!! Xoxo

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    1. Thank you, Aubrey! I feel like I am alone when I voice this side of my mind; so thank you for letting me know that I am not alone!

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  10. So glad you like your job, and awesome that you got a weekend away despite the campground situation, glad you were able to make the most of it! And, yes, God loves you more then you could ever imagine!! Despite how close or how far we ever get from Him, He loves us just the same, every hair on our head, every ounce of us. It truly is amazing!!!

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  11. Sometimes you write things and I wonder if you are in my head. I'm right there with you. One day the child-free life seems actually very appealing and the next day I'm in tears because we are child-free.

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    1. Some times I fear posting my thoughts-- I fear that too many will take my words the wrong way. I am not saying we are child-free and loving it.. but we are learning to accept it and find peace in it. Will I ever stop thinking of my baby-- NEVER!

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  12. I am happy you are posting again friend! :) I hate that infertility robs us of just blindly making a split second decision like every one else! As much as I want to be a mother and to have children I also have moments of appreciating being child free. My house is always peaceful, I can leave the house when ever I want and I am always on my own agenda. I really do love those things. I am also acutely aware of what I am missing out on, the good and the bad, because I work with kids. So yes, you don't have to deal with diaper blow outs and tantrums in public but then there's all the really good stuff you don't get to witness...like when the 2 1/2 yr old little girl I nanny for randomly started making baginas (traslation: vaginas) out of her pink sparkly play dough and put them on the crotches of the ginger bread cookie cutters! It's thinking about those moments that I might have with my kids that make all the stress and heart ache of TTC worth it to me. I do have moments of thinking "fuck it, lets just take our money and go on vacation every summer!"

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    1. Yep- like I said, we gain and lose something in both situations. I don't WANT to live child-free but I am okay with learning to live child free... I really just dont want to live in debt forever just for the chance to get pregnant.... its tough.

      Baginas! LOVE IT!

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  13. I suffer from secondary infertility, but still understand thinking "childless" thoughts. My DS is not my husband's biological son, and though he is adopting him I worry about whether or not I will ever be able to give him a child that is a reflection of us both. And I think about when DS was a baby (he's nearly 7 now) and I wonder "do I really want to do all that again?"

    But yes. Yes I do.

    On another note, camping! Yay! We're going this weekend which is a godsend since my test date is Monday... no early testing :)

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    1. People tell us to adopt a toddler- so we can skip infacny. To me, that sounds ridiculous! I want to experience ALL aspects of parenthood- not just the easy parts!

      Camping is fun! Love it! Hope you have a great time!

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  14. I love the picture of you chopping wood!

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  15. Coming over from a link on Stirrup Queens. I like your comparison of infertility to an abusive relationship. That is so true. I also can relate to the idea of giving something up to gain something.

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  16. Such an incredible post; I wish I had gotten to it in my reader last week when you wrote it :-) I love this point the most: "I am trying to find the difference between acceptance and convincing." It's so true for so many places in life. As well as those other paths not taken, which are equally pretty. Within reason, you can usually incorporate more than one path, or, at the very least, elements of each path. But you're right, choosing one life means giving up another.

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    1. Thank you! That means so much to me coming from you! I am a huge fan and follower of your blog! I am glad you stopped by.

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  17. I seriously could have written this post (the IF part, not the camping) at any point during the last 8 years or so. But then, one day, we decided if we were going to have kids and seek advanced treatment, it was now or never because we were getting too old! I know you want kids and to be a mom. I know you want it A LOT. But I am also so happy to hear you say you might be okay living child free as well. That doesn't mean you don't want it bad enough. It just means you are also able to be happy with your life, whatever God has in store for you. I would recommend looking into the Attain program, simply because if you qualify and are approved for the program, you get most of your money back if IVF doesn't work for you. That way you are not investing blindly in something you are HOPING that works. If it does work, well you are out that money, but you have a take home baby. If it doesn't work, you get most all that money back. The program doesn't include the meds, but it includes absolutely everything else. You might ask Risa about it. I know she is applying for the program right now. Keep in mind, that is also not something you have to rush into. It's just good to know what's out there and available to you should you decide to go the next step.

    P.S. I'm sooooo happy we got to meet yesterday. You have no idea how much that means to me! Thank you again for giving up your weekend at the coast. I hope I was worth it! Haha!

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  18. Infertility is absolutely like an abusive relationship.. I've thought a lot about child free living too and I completely agree I don't think I would feel fulfilled- I'm just not there yet.

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