Friday, May 10, 2013

Shake it Out

Last night I started spotting. Today, it's full flow. Today, is CD #1.

Looking through my symptoms journal, I see that history does repeat itself! 

You see, last year at this time we were camping on the Rogue River. I was 18 DPO. We had just finished a Femara cycle, followed up with a trigger shot and IUI. On Mother's Day, I woke up and headed to the bathroom after I noticed a fall in my BBT. Sure enough, AF had arrived.

I will never forget how positive I felt about that cycle. I was a few days late and my body was doing "new" things.  I was actually thinking that I might be able to call my mom on mother's day with the great news. I may have even played out the conversation in my head days prior. When I went to the bathroom and saw that it was over... I bawled. I sat there, alone, in a stall, bawling and bleeding. Was God ever going to allow me to be a mother? Was he punishing me for my past? Did he think I would be a bad mother? What did I do to deserve this? WHY!?!

A year later, almost to the day, I am in the same boat. We just finished a Femara cycle, with a trigger and IUI. I am DPO 16, and my cycle just started. It is almost Mother's day.

I am not religious by any means, but, lately I have had this strong push to believe in something; to believe in HIM. I spend more time having "conservations" with him. I spend more time holding onto the medallion of St. Gerard a little tighter. I spend more time opening the bible and finding passages to ponder. I spend more time trying to give my: grief, sadness, helplessness and doubt over to him. I am not saying that this is my cure all, or that I fully understand what I am doing, but I will say that I feel better spending some time doing it.

But, today, I would be a liar if I said I didn't feel the devil pulling at me. I can feel him trying to get me to be angry at God. I feel the devil trying to persuade me that these BFN's are God's fault; that he is doing this to me. I can feel the devil weighing me down. 

I can feel "him" weighing me down because have this overwhelming feeling that I want to blame someone. I want to blame God because so many people say "it is God's will", or "Maybe God has another plan" or "pray and to give it time". I want to blame my doctor's for the inability to get me pregnant. I have paid them a lot of money to figure out what is wrong with me and  to help me get pregnant. I want to blame them for the fact that we still don't know why I haven't conceived, or when, or if, I will conceive. But really, all I want to do is blame myself. I am to blame for my failing body. It is my body, my reproductive organs, that don't work. This failure is within me. I should be blaming myself. I am blaming myself. It is just easier to want to blame someone else.

Today, I am going to have to work extra hard to get out of this funk. I know that I can, and that I will. Because being here, in this dark place, is no fun!


There is always darkness before the dawn and after a storm comes the rainbow.






On a side note: The blogging world has once again brought me another fantastic connection. I recently met "Reese" from "Not Pregnant and Pissed". She is fellow Pacific Northwestern-er I helped convince her to start a blog. A place where she can purge her thoughts, feelings and emotions through this journey and hopefully gain lots of support along the way. Please take a moment to stop by and introduce yourself to her. I know she would appreciate the support! Thank you! http://notpregnantandpissed.blogspot.com/

26 comments:

  1. Let me know how you get passed that angry feeling because I've been angry at everyone and everything including God for over a year and I dont know how to get back. I do blame him and I am angry at him because I dont understand how people who beat their children or who dont want them can have children left and right and we are stuck like this or we are forced to go through this exhausting roller coaster for years... I just want to know why. I don't know how else to be.

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    1. Ash, I am sorry that we all have to deal with this. I am still angry and I still think it is totally unfair. I want to blame so bad. But, I just know that I can get stuck there so easily if I allow myself to. So, I have been really trying to make an effort to see the positive things around me. I have decided to let myself have dark moments, but not dark days, weeks months or years.

      You have to feel out your emotions. It is okay to feel all the ways you do. It is natural. I hope that you can find some sort of peace in it.

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  2. Sorry to hear that this year was a repeat for you. I know that we are going to be wonderful mothers...when we're able to get to that point.

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    1. I couldn't believe that it was so exact. Just crazy!

      We will be wonderful mothers, for sure!

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  3. Your post is breaking my heart. I wish I could give you a hug. You need to remember... It isn't you. There isn't a reason that anyone has decided you shouldn't be a mother. The universe is cruel and mocking and lets evil people will the lottery and gives innocent children cancer. The universe doesn't play fair. It doesn't know how much we can handle and it doesn't deal out karmic justice for things you thought in passing. You are a wonderful and kind person. I wish, more than anything that you would have your BFP and you would be calling your mom but when you do get to it won't be because you were suddenly a better person.. it will just be because the randomness of this world is random in your favour. Be kind to yourself. Do not accept the blame. Hugs.

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    1. This post made me cry! It is just so unfair. My mom and Mike both asked me not to carry the burden of blame. I try not to, really I do. Some days, some moments, I can't shake it. Thank you so much for your kind words.

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  4. Hi sweetie, I understand everything you are thinking and going through. It's hard not to be mad at God after being told how much it's "his plan" or "his will." Unfortunately I don't have too many wise words to relieve you of this funk other than just pray it out, talk it out, shout it out. I hate that I see other people feeling the same way as I do, but at the same time it helps knowing that I'm not just a negative nancy looking at this the wrong way, we all go through these dips in emotions. There's strength in numbers and if you need anything feel free to contact me because I understand. Sending you hugs and applauding your mindset of getting out of the negative side of things.
    We WILL make it, it WILL happen.
    Much love to you,
    Melia

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    1. It helps to know we are not alone in all this. I am infertile. I can either let it make my entire life miserable or I can live life as a happy infertile, making the best of a bad situation. I swear, having some beautiful weather around help cure a downer day! Thank God for that!

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  5. Oh my goodness - I totally agree... I want so badly for there to be someone or something to blame for all of my failed cycles. Hoping that you make it out of this funk soon, but if not, know that you're not alone. xoxo

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    1. Thanks, Aubrey. It is so easy to blame myself. I mean, bottom line, it is ME that has the problem...
      IF sucks!

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  6. Anger is a poison that resided in me for way to long. I was angry at God, I was angry at my body, I was angry at the situation..... Finally I was able to overcome that, which honestly just happened the in the last few months. For me, getting past the anger, was accepting my reality...letting it be and telling myself a thousand times "It is what it is". When I allowed myself to get over the loss of my babies, my anger for doing IVF, for having miscarriages, and for things not working out like I want them to, I was able to move past the anger and it literally moved past me like a storm cloud that was hanging over my head.

    It's amazing and how fast a year can go by. A year ago I was hanging on by a thread. I was an absolute mess. When I'm in the thick of IVF/FET the days seem to go by so slow, but since we have taken our 6 month break, the first 3 months have just flown by. It has felt good to focus on something else other than IF.

    Thinking of you.

    Love the song too....have you heard the Glee version? :)

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    1. Thanks, Ann.

      I have become much more "accepting" these past few months. I am not sure what happened or when, but something in me shifted. I am not at all content with the situation and I am still upset that we are going through this, but I can't let it OWN me!

      I have not heard the Glee version! I better search it!

      Hugs!

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    2. OH MY! I love that version! I had to add it! ;-)

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  7. Sending many thoughts your way!

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    1. You betcha! I hope it brings you lots of support and new followers!

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  9. I was angry, angry, ANGRY for a long time. So angry, in fact, that I destroyed a couple of friendships. I know anger is an absolutely normal part of the grieving process, but if it gets away from you, it can certainly get you into trouble. Keep writing, and keep talking... it really helps.

    The bottom line is that infertility is no one's fault. Not yours, not hubby's, not God's. It's just crappy luck. Yet another manifestation of the randomness of the universe. Accepting this was the only thing that helped me let go of the anger, and realize that while I will never have the family that I thought I would, the universe has blessed me in many other ways. Hugs sweetie... I know it's tough...

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    1. I was hoping people would want me to keep writing during our break- even if it is not IF related! It really helps me to write.

      Thank you for your message!

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  10. I too have this anger and self blame. It isn't always there but sometimes it just gets the better of me. I like your thought of allowing dark hours but not days or months. Knowing I am not alone has always helped me. I hope you feel more bright times than dark. (((HUGS)))

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    1. We all have dark moments. We just can't let ourselves stay there... with all the support I have in friends like you all... I don't get to stay in that dark spot long! ;-)

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  11. It's so hard not to have answers and something to place blame. It just leaves all those feelings inside of us until we figure out where to deposit them. For lack of a better phrase - it sucks!

    I am expecting my cycle to start on Mother's Day. I am 11 DPIUI today and last two cycles my LP has only lasted 12 days. So that would mark tomorrow as the day we'll start again. I took a HPT yesterday and it, of course, was a BFN. Thinking of you and all us infertiles on Mothers Day. XOXO Big Virtual Hugs

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    1. It does suck!

      Hugs back at ya! We will all make it, we are strong!

      Hugs!!

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  12. Like you said, it just FEELS so much better to be connected with God and the Bible. It's an emotional release, kind if like blogging is. It would be easy to give in to the darkness of depression and the why me's, but that is really no way to live. I admire you for trying to keep a positive attitude through everything.

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    1. I agree, it a great release. I told Mike I will allow my times to be blue.. but not days, weeks or months. I have to learn to live happily with this hole...

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  13. I'm glad you were able to find some comfort in reading some of the bible! I hate that you are feeling attacked by the devil too. Definitely will be praying for you!

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