Shake it Out

Last night I started spotting. Today, it's full flow. Today, is CD #1.

Looking through my symptoms journal, I see that history does repeat itself! 

You see, last year at this time we were camping on the Rogue River. I was 18 DPO. We had just finished a Femara cycle, followed up with a trigger shot and IUI. On Mother's Day, I woke up and headed to the bathroom after I noticed a fall in my BBT. Sure enough, AF had arrived.

I will never forget how positive I felt about that cycle. I was a few days late and my body was doing "new" things.  I was actually thinking that I might be able to call my mom on mother's day with the great news. I may have even played out the conversation in my head days prior. When I went to the bathroom and saw that it was over... I bawled. I sat there, alone, in a stall, bawling and bleeding. Was God ever going to allow me to be a mother? Was he punishing me for my past? Did he think I would be a bad mother? What did I do to deserve this? WHY!?!

A year later, almost to the day, I am in the same boat. We just finished a Femara cycle, with a trigger and IUI. I am DPO 16, and my cycle just started. It is almost Mother's day.

I am not religious by any means, but, lately I have had this strong push to believe in something; to believe in HIM. I spend more time having "conservations" with him. I spend more time holding onto the medallion of St. Gerard a little tighter. I spend more time opening the bible and finding passages to ponder. I spend more time trying to give my: grief, sadness, helplessness and doubt over to him. I am not saying that this is my cure all, or that I fully understand what I am doing, but I will say that I feel better spending some time doing it.

But, today, I would be a liar if I said I didn't feel the devil pulling at me. I can feel him trying to get me to be angry at God. I feel the devil trying to persuade me that these BFN's are God's fault; that he is doing this to me. I can feel the devil weighing me down. 

I can feel "him" weighing me down because have this overwhelming feeling that I want to blame someone. I want to blame God because so many people say "it is God's will", or "Maybe God has another plan" or "pray and to give it time". I want to blame my doctor's for the inability to get me pregnant. I have paid them a lot of money to figure out what is wrong with me and  to help me get pregnant. I want to blame them for the fact that we still don't know why I haven't conceived, or when, or if, I will conceive. But really, all I want to do is blame myself. I am to blame for my failing body. It is my body, my reproductive organs, that don't work. This failure is within me. I should be blaming myself. I am blaming myself. It is just easier to want to blame someone else.

Today, I am going to have to work extra hard to get out of this funk. I know that I can, and that I will. Because being here, in this dark place, is no fun!

There is always darkness before the dawn and after a storm comes the rainbow.

On a side note: The blogging world has once again brought me another fantastic connection. I recently met "Reese" from "Not Pregnant and Pissed". She is fellow Pacific Northwestern-er.  I helped convince her to start a blog. A place where she can purge her thoughts, feelings and emotions through this journey and hopefully gain lots of support along the way. Please take a moment to stop by and introduce yourself to her. I know she would appreciate the support! Thank you! http://notpregnantandpissed.blogspot.com/