Tuesday, May 7, 2013

22- Not The Lucky Number

We have now had a total of 22, yes, twenty two big fat negatives! Three years, four months and a week. That is how long we have been trying, and in that time, we have had to suffer the disappointment of that non existent second line TWENTY TWO times, while under the care of infertility doctors! I can't imagine how many more it would be if I hadn't taken rest cycles; add those in, and the year we spent trying before seeking professional help, and we are looking at close to 40 failed cycles!

I am a little frustrated that this cycle didn't work, but I am not surprised; I am actually quite happy with way I am coping with it. I took the test this afternoon after doing some yard work. The weather was beautiful and I was feeling really positive and happy. Since my BBT has been elevated and I am 13 DPO, I decided to go buy some HPTs and see what the result was. I did not have any feelings one way or another when I took it, although I was really hoping there would be a slight line. When I didn't see the second line, my heart didn't sink like it has 21 times before. I simply threw it away, recorded the results into my FF and went back outside. That negative wasn't going to ruin my day. Not today. Today, I was going to win. 

I am not pregnant. I will saddle up to ride this journey again, just not yet. For now, we are going to be free of doctor's visits, medications, labs, and most importantly, infertility bills! For now, we are going to enjoy the summer, the new yard, camping, beaches, vacations and family. For now, we are going to stop waiting and start living!




31 comments:

  1. I don't know what to say...Fifteen years ago I was where you are now and I know that all the sorry's and don't give up, it will happen's did not help so instead I am sending you much love from England.

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    1. Thank you so much!! Total downer but I can't let this control me, so I am trying to stay upbeat!

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  2. I love both of those quotes. Loving your attitude as well! Sorry about another BFN I know how frustrating they are.

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    1. Me too, I couldn't choose, so I put up both. I love quotes!

      BFN SUCK!! I have replaced the "fat" with another "f" word!

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  3. I am so sorry that 22 wasn't your lucky number - it really sucks. Forty cycles is a lot to go through, under a fertility specialist or otherwise. Now, go enjoy California!

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    1. 40 is A LOT!! Especially without ONE SINGLE BFP....

      CALIFORNIA in JULY! So excited!

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  4. I hate this for you! I know the anger and frustration you are feeling.

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    1. Thanks, T! It is so frustrating! I just want ONE BFP!!! Is that too much to ask?! Geeesh! Hey, I read about a couple having twins and they don't want them... I should ask if I can have one! ;-)

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  5. I'm proud of you for taking this shitty negative and turning it into something positive. I know how hard that is, so hats off to you! Now for summer fun!!

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    1. Thanks, Laura. I have a feeling there is a dark day lurking in the shadows... but for now, I am going to be happy with what I have. I am going to be happy that for three years, we did our best. Now, we are taking a break. ;-)

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  6. You two have amazing strength and have been through so much. Even deciding to take a break can be a tough decision. I hope your break leaves you feeling rejuvenated!

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    1. Thank you! I hope that this vacation sets things straight! ;-)WE have had a lot of failed cycles for sure!

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  7. When I read blogs, I try not to have my clinican glasses on, but I can't help with you and I think you are one of the most frustrating cases I've seen! You ovulate, but even with extensive monitoring it's difficutl to determine when! I know the thought of IVF is so daunting, but given that you ovulate and your husband has stellar sperm, you have good odds and can say -take that ovary bitches!

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    1. Ha ha! This made me laugh! I have always been difficult. In all things! LOL!

      I wonder if I have really thick shells on my eggs or if I have bad eggs all together. Doc says it could be that we make bad embryos.

      I worry that IVF wont work either because I am poor at stimming...

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  8. I'm so sorry that this cycle didn't work, but I love your positive attitude. (And I love those quotes!) I hope you have a great summer, and enjoy yourself as stress-free as possible. More than anything, I hope you get your BFP soon!! xo

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    1. Sometimes I have to fake it until I make it! I am hoping that this break with give me some peace.

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  9. Ugh, I'm so sorry about this cycle. I am so impressed, though, with your positive attitude this time around (can you share some of that with me please :) ?!?!). I hope you guys have a great summer!! xoxo

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    1. I have dark moments. But, I know I can't stay there. Otherwise, IF wins. I want to be the controller of my happiness!

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  10. enjoy the summer and drink till your hearts content!!!!

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    1. Too bad my metformin won't let me drink like a fish-- but I might try! lol

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  11. Sorry this cycle didn't work, but you have a great attitude. enjoy your summer vacation. It's such a great idea to take a step back and recharge every once in awhile.

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    1. We need to re-charge. We need to NOT think about baby making for a while.

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  12. notpregnantandpissedMay 8, 2013 at 12:41 PM

    Man, that sucks. I'm sorry you didn't get a BFP! I understand wanting to just live life for a while! I put things on hold thinking I would be preggo or have a new born and then when that didn't happen I was left out of several different projects/events and I felt even worse! I have decided to not plan my life around the possibility of getting pregnant and to just do as much as I want to. I don't want to know how many BFN I have racked up...

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    1. It is annoying because we have done everything right for so many cycles... WTF!!? Now, we are scared to go to IVF in the case that I have bad eggs! I wish we could know with out IVF!

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  13. Ugh I'm so sorry- I KNOW how hard it is to see the big fat negative EVERY MONTH. After my IUIs and before my IVF I decided not to even test anymore and just wait for my period to come (it was always right on time)! That way I saved some money and didn't even think about what day I needed to test.

    Maybe it is time to look into IVF? I'm not sure what you mean when you say you are "bad at stimming" but it would be a good way to look into the health of your eggs. And you never know....I only had two embryos make it to the blast stage, transferred one and it worked.

    Either way, ENJOY your summer off. The breaks are what keep us sane.

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    1. We are thinking about IVF- I am so scared! I don't trust my eggs!
      IVF will be in 2014 if we don't get a miracle before that!

      I don't stim well... I am a slow or poor responder to the medications they said- so I worry about that.

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  14. Wish I could adopt your attitude. I'm so sorry about your BFN. I am having a rough time with mine. Sending lots of love your way xo

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    1. I have to fake it until I make it many times. I have gone into that dark space a few times.. and I just have to snap out if it. I don't have a choice. Thank you for your support!

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  15. I'm so sorry... you are definitely handling it well, but I know how much it hurts. Enjoy your summer... there is definitely something to that fake it til you make it attitude. I think you'll come back 10 times stronger after a bit of a break. Hugs...

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  16. Hugs! Could your summer plans include meeting me and my husband in August? We have a wedding to go to in Bend! I already told my husband we have to meet some friends while we are there :)

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    1. Um, you bet my plans include meeting you! That would be so awesome! Send me the dates so I can make sure we are around!!

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