Lab Work

For the past couple months I have been experiencing this sharp pain on my left ovary; similar to ovulation pain, but much more intense and consistent. My last cycle was 97 days long, and I started feeling the pain before our trip to Montana. It is a sharp, stabbing, twisting sensation and it often is noticeable in the sitting or bending forward position.

The pains started before Montana but I didn't pay too much attention to them (other than when I was experiencing them)- I was more concerned with my absent period and it's timing; I feared it would appear as we were camping, in a tent, in bear territory! Once we got home, and my period came, I figured the pains were related to my "ovulation", however, the pains continued through my period and have continued, even, on cycle day 53.

Last week, I decided it was time to take a look inside and see what was causing this pain; I feared it could have been a big cyst or a growth. I had labs done and a pelvic ultrasound and the tech actually found a freakin' 17mm follicle on my left ovary, unfortunately, it was CD 47! Today I got my labs back and this is what they read: (keep in mind: this is not a monitored cycle- this was only a draw to see WTF my body is doing....)

FSH: 3.6
LH: 11.1
TSH: 1.14
Prolactin: 13.66
T4, Free: 1.19
Insulin: 7.5

Radiology Report:
Last menstrual cycle: 9/30/14
Uterus: 8.2 x 3.6 x 4.3cm
Endometrium: 6.6mm
Right Ovary: 37 x 27 x 27mm (multiple follicles)
Left Ovary: 49 x 25 x 35mm (Follicles up to 17mm)

I was told that everything on the ultrasound looked fine; the follicle could be an ovulation cyst and that may be what is causing the pain, or maybe a follicle (probably not a good one) and my labs resemble a PCOS patient. I was told I could do two things: go on the pill to regulate my cycles or try Clomid or Femara again to help both regulate my my cycle and promote ovulation.

After talking to Mike, we aren't prepared to do either, we want a better option. There is no way we want to completely prohibit our chance to conceive by, no matter how unlikely it may be, taking the pill and I don't think Femara will increase our option this cycle if it didn't the 7 cycles before it.

Am I being ridiculous and jaded by thinking that?

Anyway.... what do you make of my labs, my ultrasound and my pain? Keep in mind, we were NOT trying this month and we sure didn't time anything to match up with that 17mm follicle.

Montana On My Mind

Never in my life have I seen such amazing scenery. We went to Glacier National Park Montana, back in September and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. Even though we had a less than ideal trip, the beauty I was able to witness makes up for all the less than beautiful moments we experienced.

We started our trip late Friday evening by making the 10 hour drive to Missoula, where we stopped for fuel, food and last minute camping items; then we made the 3 hour trek into Glacier. When we arrived in Glacier we had beautiful weather the first two days on the west side of the park, but once we moved to the east side the weather changed; one day we had beautiful 70* weather and the next we had snow and 23* temperatures! Even though we were not truly prepared for the weather conditions we made the best of each day with long hikes; we hiked 30 miles in 3 days!

 Here are a few of my favorite photos of the trip, but trust me.... the pictures don't do the place justice.

1st day at Avalanche Lake

View along Hidden Lake Trail

Looking down to Hidden Lake from the trail

Along Hidden Lake Trail

I love the color contrast Glacier offers

Hidden Lake Overlook

.

Day #3 Bull Head Lake Trail @ Red Rock Falls

Signage along Ptarmigan Tunnel Trail

Sigss don't lie- this is a bear you "bearly see"

Along the trail to the tunnel

The way up to the tunnel

We made it to the top! 

Goodbye, Glacier. I will miss you!

Final resting place- The Bitterroot River Campsite

The World Keeps Turning

You guys, it feels like I have lost my writing mojo. I have been literally sitting at this blank white screen rough draft (and watching the football game) for over a half an hour now for over two weeks. Every time I start a sentence I delete it. When did writing on my blog get so difficult? It's not like I don't have things to write about because I do. I used to write on this blog like it was my daily journal; thoughts and feelings used to flow so easily, but now I feel like I have to pry them out of me and when I do, it all just sounds so stupid.

The last time we were in the doctor's office for (in)fertility reasons was in April. We have not been consumed with anything related to fertility; we haven't been counting cycle days, charting temps, or spending bathroom breaks testing ovulation sticks. We do still (sometimes) talk about having kids; all the stuff we've tried and haven't tried, but it is just part of random conversation now- not motive.

I am still here reading your posts and checking in on all of you; even if I don't comment like I should. I'm not gonna lie though, I feel so detached from my infertile life and friends right now. It's been along time since we have really tried to get pregnant that sometimes when I read your posts or Facebook feeds I become overwhelmed-- like I can't relate anymore.

Some days it really does feel like we have been left behind to suffer alone in the bitter battle of infertility, and other days it feels as though we were meant to be the "child-free" couple that we are. Infertility is a catch 22; while we are able to do whatever we want, whenever we want, we have to face the fact that a lot of our friendships are going to change and some may even grow apart. The more time that passes the more I realize I may never relate to friends who have kids and they may not be able to relate to us any more, either.

I mentioned to someone the other day that it seems as though life only changes when you are the one on the outside looking in. There are times it feels like our lives have stayed the same (even though they haven't) while all of our friend's lives seem to be growing and expanding; we watch the children of our loved ones evolve from dreams to growing realities; the infants are becoming toddlers and toddlers are becoming teens and the only thing changing in this house is Zoie's our waistlines.

Even though infertility is painful and dream crushing- I hope that our story might be able to be the light in someone else's darkness. I hope that I can encourage other women (and or men) to find happiness in the life they do have; to seek the sweet in the sour. Life is not perfect, but some times the most painful experiences can lead us to beautiful transformations.

I don't believe that our battle with infertility is ending in defeat; I believe our story is continuing on with strength, determination and hope -- and I believe that time can help lessen the pain of our wounds.

That is all I have for now..... if I keep trying to add on to this post I will never post it.

P.S. I haven't written on the new blog yet but you can find me here...
http://ourlifeslemonade.blogspot.com/

Cha - Cha - Changes!

Sometimes in order to be happy you have to take risks. I've have taken quite a few risks in my time and recently I took a one more.

As many of you loyal and loving readers know, I was unhappy at the place of work I was at and contemplating leaving because I didn't like all the drama and instability; I like it when policies and procedures are enforced all the way across the board, not just enforced when the mood is right.  I like to be around honest, hardworking people who play well with others and who have drive to be part of the solution- not the problem. Since that was not something the office could provide me with (a happy place to work), I had enough and on July 9th, I put in my two week notice. 

There was a moment when I was completely stressed and was panicking about what I was going to do for income since I decided to leave prior to getting another job, but then I started talking to people, applying for jobs and setting up interviews and things quickly started looking up; on July 15th, I was offered a position with a well established, well know dermatology office that I used to work for 10+ years ago! Mike was never worried about me getting a job; he said I would get one with little effort; he was right. 

****

My family has been in town from California so I have been spending a lot of time with them outside enjoying this amazing weather! My sister and her two kids were here last week and were a huge support while I was transitioning. They kept me busy and laughing. This week my brother is here with his three kids and his sweet wife. I will be occupied with them until Sunday morning when Mike and I take off for some much needed camping!

****

Mike and I have slowly started talking about embryo adoption- or donation. We are just bouncing ideas and thoughts off one another at this point so I can't say which way we are leaning... if at all, but we are talking about trying and that just goes to show we may never give up our dream even though there may be times we choose to focus more on ourselves and the life we have. 

Finally, with that being said, I have also started a new blog- a blog focused more toward our life after infertility. I want a place where I can express our love for this sweet and sour life. I will probably use it more for life posts.... like this one and the post that prompted it. I know there are nosy people out there that want to dig up dirt and this way they don't have to search too hard... all the dirt about my life, my thoughts and my feelings will all be in one place and easy to find; and they won't have to filter through CM updates, ovulation test results and infertility thoughts to find the "dirt" they really want. :-)

Updates

I thought I'd update you guys with what's been going down in my "so called life""

Let's go back to May 4th. Of course, it wouldn't have been National Infertility Survival Day without my period.Yep, I started my period on that same day!  However, this is the second month in a row that I have had a 28 day cycle and I am seeing that as a good thing; not to mention I knew it was coming, so it was not a complete surprise. I have the same symptoms every single cycle. It starts with a low back and hip pain, then the tender breasts, followed by the bloat, and then the lovely AF arrives.

Mike gets more excited about my regular cycles than I do! I asked him if we wanted to start trying again- using the temp method and ovulation strips. His response? "I am always ready to have sex.... until the forth day." HA HA! I am not sure how much monitoring I want to do since it seems to stress me out even more, but I am down to try - planning it around the symptoms I feel. I mean, we've tried the basal temp method and ovulation strips for how long now with out any luck.... all we can do it hope at this point.

Now, let me fill you in on my J. O .B situation. I decided to stick it out with the new doctors for a little longer. That does not mean that things have improved for me- if anything they have gotten more uncomfortable up front between the "office manager" and myself. I am a pretty outgoing, happy, friendly person who likes to make everyone feel welcome. When I talk with the "manager" I don't get anywhere. The other day I asked her if it was cold outside when she came back from lunch.... I asked because 1) she never talks unless spoken to and 2) there was another co-worker sitting up front with me and I wanted her to hear how the "manager" spoke to me! It was a real eye opener for the assistant sitting next to me... the reply I got was a very stern, uninterested "Yup". The assistant looked at me in awe; she later called me to ask if that is how I am talked to on a daily basis. The answer I gave her? Yup.

During my review my bosses told me how much they loved they way I interacted with the patients and that they were happy I chose to stay. They also made a comment about my personality that has left me feeling uneasy; they said I have a "strong personality". I am not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing. They think that my personality is the cause for my frustrations at times; that I get emotionally involved in both the gossip and or drama that happens in the office because I don't want to make anyone mad or have anyone upset with me and it also may be the reason I take things personally. Maybe they are right. But, is having a strong personality a bad thing?

Mike thinks she is trying to make me miserable so I will quit and that's not going to happen. I will leave because I want to leave; not because someone wants to push me out-- good luck, lady. That tactic won't work on this "strong personality"!

Ugh.
Anyways....

The seasons are changing and I love it. I am a total sunshine and blue skies kinda gal so I have been busy planning out our summer trips! We decided against the "luxury camping" for our anniversary because of the horrible customer service I received when trying to book our stay. So, instead.... we are headed to Glacier National Park for a camping/backcountry backpacking trip!! We have had the Zion and GNP on our bucket list and we have decided to start with Montana. People tease me because I have never been out of the country and my reply is this " America has so many amazing placed that I have yet to see, why do I need to leave the country to experience beauty and relaxation?"

Although, I am getting my passport for this trip- since we may head into Canada since we will be on the border which means a tropical vacation is just around the corner. We might try to plan a camping/backpacking trip in Costa Rica or Hawaii. I am totally fine with that kind of travel- I love being semi-adventurous! But, that will be a year or so away. For now, we are focusing on Montana and making it a trip of a lifetime!

This is our first backpacking trip and I was surprised how difficult it was to obtain a back country permit! I have been all over chat groups and community boards seeking any advice I can get! Most people agree that because we are going after "peak season"
we should be able to get our permit and a campsite fairly easy; if we arrive at the ranger stations early enough! It takes about 3 months to plan a trip like this and it is a lot process. We are still trying to decide which trails we want to go on and what sites we can't miss. I think the plan is to find a base camp for a few nights in a primitive spot and then spend a night or two in the backcountry. We will ease our way into backpacking this way.



All I know is this: I CAN'T WAIT!!

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I survived! It was a great day actually. We spent the morning at my mom and dad's house with two of my sisters, their husbands and kids, and my mother in law. I love it when we all get together; especially when we all get together at my parent's house.  It always feels like home. After breakfast we decided to take the dogs for a walk since the weather was so nice.
We loaded up around noon and drove up to Lava Butte- about 13 miles from home to an old cinder cone that erupted many years ago. It was a nice 4 miles walk around the lava beds and up the butte for a great first day of training for GNP!

Oh, geesh- I totally forgot to tell you about Mike's birthday weekend! Here is a photo recap of that amazing weekend!! We went to the Redwoods in California, Gold Beach, Oregon and then wine tasting in Southern Oregon.

Hwy 101 south of Gold Beach

We loved this beach!

Our favorite spot... The Smith River

Turtle love in the Redwoods (turtles are fertility good luck)

High in the Trees on the SkyTram

Awe, I love you, too!

The mountain men

Ha, Mike is wearing the same outfit as Paul!

Wine tasting at Fiasco Vineyards

The guy likes wines (sometimes)

Such a beautiful view! (the vineyard- not me!)

My amazing husband all vino-ed out

Have you ever been to Glacier National Park?

Have you ever been on an extended backpacking trip? 

Do you think a strong personality is a bad thing or a good thing-- or inbetween? 

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing Mom's out there!! 

And for those still in the infertile trenches... this is for you (and me).

May 4th

Today is a special day.

And for my friends who are Star Wars fans-- I didn't forget you!

A Love Project

The comments on my last post the reaffirmed my belief that love is a personal and subjective matter; no one of us feels the same love- for the same thing- in the same way. Love is not something that can be compared or measured; it is personal. 

After reading through them I decided that it would be fun to have host my own "Project Love" to share awareness of love's diversity. Sounds lovely, right?

If this sounds interesting to you and if you are willing to open up; either publicly or privately, about the love you have known then I'd love to share your story.

Contact me if you're game.

Knowing What Love Is

A few weeks ago my sister sent me this screen shot of a blog she reads (an acquaintance of hers writes it) and all I could do was chuckle. The post is a letter to those of us without kids- I don't know the background to her story but she goes on to say something like "life's not worth much, until you're lucky enough to fall in love with your child." Of course, my sister hated this post because she has no desire for children and feels ridiculed at times for that choice. Posts like these make her feel like the love she has doesn't amount to much and as if people judge her life as less important or significant because she chooses not to have kids. However, I do want kids and I even thought this view on love was a bit naive.

What's your initial reaction?

Screenshot of blog post

Here are my thoughts:

I am pretty sure we all know that nothing in life is all sunshine and roses all of the time; I am confident most moms I know would agree. However, there was a time when words like those above and images like the one below, would cause a flood of emotions and tears; leaving me feeling physically ill, because at that time, I believed them.

At first, it was the tears – lots and LOTS of tears. Seeing those tiny footprints, even though they’re digital, pushed such a fierce flood of tears from my eyes and nausea took over. I felt empty, broken and guilty. So guilty; after all, I was to blame for our inability to conceive.

Second – there was anger and frustration. Lots of anger and frustration. What did I do wrong in my life? Why am I being punished by not being able to conceive? Why can't I give my husband one of the things he has dreamed of; a family. Why are children allowed to be given to those who abuse them and not to us? Why am I the only woman in my family who has struggled this way? 

Then – there was confusion and still a tad bit of anger still mixed in there). How can anyone say that a person; with or without infertility, haven’t known love just because I've been unable to have a child? How dare someone be so presumptuous? Is it true that the love of a child is inherently different than any other kind of love? I can only assume so. Still, I refuse to believe that someone who doesn't have a child is somehow unable to experience love. So, I decided to think, and I mean really “think”, about the love I have known in my life. 

Lastly- there was peace. After too many failed treatments to count, we decided to take a break from trying to conceive and take life as it came. It's been a year since we were in the doctor's office for fertility related exams and though I am still not; nor have I ever been pregnant, I am finally in a peaceful, loving place. In my reflections about the love in my life I realized that while I may not have felt the love of; or for my own child, I have felt a deep, powerful, pain-staking love before. 

I have the love of my family and friends. Despite our differences and our distances, we have always been there for each other whenever one of us was in need. Each of us has our share of faults, but we stick together and know that there is nothing that we wouldn't do for each other. We support one another through the good and the bad. We encourage and motivate each other to be our best possible selves. Not out of obligation, but because of the love we have for one another.

I have the love of my fur-babies. Our dogs have been the closest thing to children for us; we love them like children. When we leave town and drop them off and "Grandpa and Grandma's" house our hearts feel heavy; leaving them behind is not something we like to do, we are family, and family sticks together. It doesn't matter if we are gone for a day, or a week, we always call to check in on them like parents do. If one of them is hurting, in pain, or just not themselves; we know and they known when we are feeling something. Isn't that what love is? 

I have the love of my husband. My husband has taken what I consider to be a broken woman and made her whole. He is my rock, my best friend, my one true constant, and the love of my life. He’s dried my tears, calmed my fears and shown me more love than I ever thought possible. More than I thought I deserved. He’s rubbed my back through my break downs, worked his tail off to pay out-of-pocket for every doctor, test and medication we've ever needed, driven me to the doctor 3 hours away at the drop of a dime, done things in a doctor's bathroom he never thought he'd do, helped me through every negative pregnancy test, put up with my infertility drug-induced craziness and has told (and shown) me, time after time, that being able or unable to have a child does not define me and does not define our marriage. He refuses to let me be anything less than what he knows I can be. At any given moment, I would give my life for him if asked – and I have no doubt that he would do the same. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.

I have the love of all of the children whose toes I've counted, hands I've held, and who's little booties I've had the privilege to wipe over the years. I am the second to youngest in a family of ten, and am lucky enough to be “Auntie Teresa” to seventeen precious nieces and nephews. So I have done everything that image describes. I have been blessed to hold countless babies in my arms throughout my life, and even more blessed to have been able to spend more than a significant amount of time with each of them. Most of my nieces and nephew are grown now, but to them I will always be “Auntie Teresa”. They may not be my own children, but I will forever love, cherish and protect them as if they were. It is my job to let them know that there will always be someone, besides their parents, who is there for them, who loves them, and who would move mountains for them if need be. And that sounds a whole lot like love to me.

I may not ever get to count the little fingers and toes or wipe away the tears of my own child. That is my reality. And that’s the reality for many of us, whether we like it or not. So, while it may be true that the love you have for your children is a “different” kind of love than any other love you’ve known, it isn't true to say that we “haven’t known love” simply because we are childless (some by choice - some by fate).

 We have known love.

 We do know love.

An no matter what the outcomes of our struggles are...

 We will know love.

NIAW 2014

National Infertility Awareness Week starts tomorrow!

I made a couple FB covers for my blog, as well as my personal page, and I wanted to share them with you in case you wanted to use them, too!

Just click on the photo and save!

I will post some real writing soon... I have a few drafts that I am finishing up; I promise!

 (in case you cared)

Fork In The Road

I hate feeling lost. I hate not knowing which way to go when faced with a difficult decision; I've never been good at making up my mind even when it comes to the dinner menu. I thought that maybe if I wrote some of my thoughts down, I might find some inner peace or direction. Besides, some of you said you would follow my blog no matter what I wrote about; as long as I wrote. So, here I am.... writing.

A year ago I started with the office I am currently working at. I was approached via Facebook about the position by the practice owner. I knew him from the physical therapy office I was working for at the time as he was a patient and I ran the front office and was the billing manager; after seeing him week after week we became some-what "friends". I was happy that my personality left that much of an impression on him that he sought me out for a job.

I don't want to get into a whole lot of detail here but let me just say that in the year I have been with this company it has been constant transition, training, turn over and drama. I am not kidding. When I was hired I was "warned" by a couple employees about a certain employee and her inability to take responsibility or to be dependable. Let me just say this: they were right! Man, were they right! I hate to be cynical here but anyone who calls into work the last two days of the work week on a bi-weekly basis, is not ill- they are habitual and after a long weekend. 

However, the one who warned me of the shady employee forgot to mention she was one as well! This girl can NOT stop shit talking each and every person or patient in that office. She loves to call people out in front of anyone and everyone. She is seriously like a bull in a china closet; not the type of assistant you want chair side; I swear. She may know her stuff but she is loud, clumsy and flat out annoying! In fact, one night we were all out for a benefit and Mike was so annoyed with her and her loud mouth that he actually cupped his hands over his ears to shut her out- not shitting you! It was hilarious!!

And then there is the retiring doctor.... oh my gosh. I have never in my life met a grown man act like such a girl in high school. Honestly; he is worse than any brat I went to school with! He is so immature that he gave two if us the silent treatment because we were friends with ex-employees of his and went out for drinks and he didn't appreciate seeing the photos of us all on Facebook. He told us all once that if we saw so and so we had "better walk the other way or turn our backs". It is that petty. 

Here comes my fork. 

In January the practice sold to a husband and wife team. They are younger than me and my youngest sister, but they are super awesome and I want to believe they will thrive in the practice they have taken over. However, the drama continues.... as a matter of fact, I think it has gotten worse since they have taken over. There's a definite disconnect in the office. I feel like there are a few people who are very untrustworthy and backstabbing. I feel like someone is always trying to thrown someone under the bus and it's so easy to get wrapped up in drama; I hate it! 

Today, I was offered a management position with a chiropractor that a previous employer had recommended me to and the other day I was called back by a doctor I had interviewed with a year or more ago; I even declined her offer back then because we were too focused on trying to make a baby! Even though I never submitted a resume- I've got two job offers that could potentially lead me out of the drama zone I am in--- and I don't know what road to take. Do I stay or do I go?

I brought the issues to the new owners today and I told him of the offers I have on the table. I explained that I want to see them succeed and that I would love to help them to do so, but that I was unable to continue toward that goal with them, the way things are now. I suggested a communication course for the team, or, to have an HR consultant take a look at how we communicate to help us identify the struggles and ways we could over come them as a team. I even offered to remove myself from the equation completely once the doctor told me he didn't even want to come to work because of the drama! How sad is that!?

Right now, it basically feels like I've got my fork and zero appetite. I wish someone would tell me what I'm having. 

Side note: In the past 4 months I have had a 70 day cycle, a 13 day cycle, and now probably a 28 day cycle as I am spotting on CD 26.... weird!

Guest Post: Sensitive Ginger

I was recently contacted by Marcy at Sensitive Ginger asking if I would be willing to post something she has been wanting to post but isn't comfortable publishing on her own blog. After reading her post I was reminded, once again, why I have this blog and why I started it; to let out the all of the feelings I was keeping in; to release the things I wanted to say, but couldn't. 

I've mentioned to many of you that I want this blog to be your outlet as well; that is why I keep my Guest Post invitation open. I want to be here to be your outlet- to be your voice when you can't speak. 

So, with that being said... Here is Marcy's post- please be sure to offer some insight or advice; I know she'd love to hear what you have to say!

And thank you, Marcy, for knowing that you could turn to me for help. 

Hope- be a voice
http://beavoicearts.com/

******

This post is going to go deep and get scary. I have been having an internal struggle for a while now that I have been holding back on posting about because I don't want to cause hurt feelings. I've been filtering what I write and haven't been genuinely writing how I feel in the moment for fear of what someone that knows me might think. Many of you chose to write anonymous blogs to avoid having these conflicted feelings and so that you could write freely and unload things that you might not be proud to admit in real life for fear of judgement. I have been trying to tread the fine line of being honest about my struggles and emotions around them, but at times I've held back or tiptoed around the details of what's really eating me because I didn't want any judgement or feared that my writing would be taken out of context and turned against me.

You see, when I first started this blog over a year ago I didn't know it would become a major emotional outlet and source of comfort for dealing with fertility struggles. I had no idea the path we'd follow and that I'd end up enduring multiple fertility treatments. I had no clue about the sensitive nature and heightened vulnerability that I would experience being a member of the infertile tribe. At first my blog was completely anonymous, but then I decided to open up a little and then bit by bit I began telling a few people in my life about it. I never felt the need to broadcast it or post it on Facebook and really only told less than a dozen of people about it. After that, every so often I would feel bad about going on a mini rant and I would write in a disclaimer like I did in this post. I also added this tab to my page for friends that visited to have a resource and help on what to say and what not to say to me, since I fully realize it can be a very difficult situation to navigate.

Most of the friends that I shared with would leave a comment, call or email me to let me know they were reading and offer support. Others, would never mention it and on a few occasions I would awkwardly ask, "Hey have you been reading my blog lately?" Some people surprisingly responded yes, they were reading (even though it had never come up before) and others flat out told me they had no intention of reading and would rather hear about my life from me directly. As things got more intense I again posted a warning about my vulnerability and asked my readers not share my blog. Right after that is when this blog turned into an all out, TMI, detailed and emotional overload of our fertility struggles. I chose to share it all because I became part of the incredible online tribe of women fighting the same battle and together we provided each other with an enormous amount of information, a huge amount of support and a giant sigh of relief that we don't have to go through this alone.

Then later, when shit got even more intense and we officially got our infertility diagnosis, I posted a more detailed plea to friends following along in real life. I'm copying the meat of that post here, because I think it really gets to the heart of the matter on how I felt and still feel about what I share on my blog.

I have already shared this news (referring to our diagnosed infertility) with a couple of my close friends and now that I am writing about it on my blog a small handful of my friends in real life are being let in. This blog is for me to process my thoughts and emotions and for those of you out there that haven't experienced fertility struggles much of it might seem overly dramatic or dark. It is something you can't understand unless you've experienced it, so I ask you to not feel sorry for me, make judgements or ask one billion questions. If you're unsure of what to say you can read this article or if reading this blog gets to be too much then stop reading. Many infertility blogs are written anonymously so that the author does not have to sensor anything with worry that it may change how friends or family see them in real life. I hope to continue without filtering my emotions or worrying that people are gossiping. It goes without saying that anything that you read on this blog should not be repeated. I am so thankful to have such great friends in my life and I don't say these things to offend you, but to protect myself and openly communicate my intentions. A short communication from you that says, "I'm thinking of you and am here to listen if you need me." is the most comforting to me and lets us both find equal ground without added stress.

After that I really tried to forget about who might be reading and became completely absorbed in being an active member of the infertility blogging community. I did not hold back on writing about my emotions or any details of our journey. It became my safe place, where I felt accepted and didn't have to hide my fears or pretend that everything was ok. A few of my friends continued to follow along and would occasionally check in with me to let me know they were caught up and everyone that checked in did an amazing job at finding the right balance of showing support without any judgement or probing. Once, I even got a message from the partner of a friend confessing that they were reading which totally threw me for a loop, but I respected this honest confession and again felt nothing but support and genuine friendship. A couple times, someone would pop out of the woodwork after not having read for months and sort of surprise me and so I would be reminded to post another disclaimer to friends about how to best support me and also to let me know if they were reading.

This peaceful balance didn't last because at some point a bomb was dropped and my open blog backfired. A reader that I know in real life reached out to me in confusion on something that I had written and feelings were hurt. It was a huge blow that I didn't see coming at all and created an immense amount of stress. We met in person to talk about it and were able to clear up some of the assumptions and mostly move past it. Although, I was surprised and hurt at first, I was glad that we had confronted it head on and relieved to have moved past it. She ultimately decided that she wanted my blog to be a safe place for me and told me that she would only look to me for updates.

Not long after that a chain of other shocking things happened that made me realize I had picked up some additional in-real-life readers, some that knew about my blog way before it became intense and others that found out through an unknown leak amongst the few friends it had been divulged to. My feelings of vulnerability became extremely heightened and I was completely torn on how to proceed. Should I confront the readers face to face? Would that help or only further add stress and exhaustion? Would we be able to move past it or would it result in a friendship break up? Had they somehow missed all my prior warnings and suggestions on how to offer support? It felt like someone had stolen my diary without permission. I debated on whether I should make my blog private. It felt really strange to find out they were reading and not know how long they'd been reading or how often. How many times had we seen each other with them pretending they knew nothing about my current state of emotions? It caused a significant amount of turmoil, but I eventually decided that I should conserve my energy, retreat and focus on what I can control.  I have not written off these friends, but have been keeping them at a distance and staying well within my protective bubble. Ultimately, I decided to try and let it go and keep on blogging like normal.

Obviously one of the risks of posting your deepest, most intimate details of your life on a blog, is that anyone can read it. Yes, anyone can read it and I have no control over how people respond. I have zero control over how my blog is perceived or how it is interpreted. I did not want to change how I utilize this space or filter what I wrote based on who I thought may or may not be reading. As hard as I tried to let it go, the crack in the foundation had been created and I couldn't shake the heightened sense of vulnerability. I began filtering what I wrote or avoiding posting entirely and I did not like how it had changed my blog. Something else I noticed was a mix of emotions when reading anonymously written blogs with authors' openly expressing frustrations about being an infertile living in a fertile world. More than once I left an emotional bomb in their comment section about my own frustration with in-real-life relationships. I felt terrible for leaving these comments about myself on their blog and began to realize even more that my decision to let it go was far from successful.

So here I am writing this post, my heart racing the entire time as I try to sort through the mess of it all. Do I save this as a draft never to be published? Do I make this blog private and wait to see who requests access? Then awkwardly deny those that I don't feel comfortable with? Do I post another plea, like many I've posted before asking friends to come forward or stop reading? How many other unknown readers have I picked up that are stalking me and yet pretending they have no clue in real life? I don't know what to do. I dread causing anyone discomfort, but I can't continue to try and let it go. This blog was created to be a place for me to openly share my emotions and experiences and it isn't that place right now. Will I ever be able to drop the walls and call this my safe place again? I want this blog to be a source of information and raw emotion to all of those out there that are experiencing infertility and if I make it private how many people will be left to feel alone? My page views last month came in at 3,566 and my all time history of views clocks in at 14,316. If I sensor myself or go private how many people will miss out on finding information or solace in knowing they are not alone on this journey? Have you found yourself in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? My heart is still racing. I don't know that there is an easy solution or a way to avoid further stress or hurt feelings. I only know that I can't continue with things as they are.

Adventures

Today, we took advantage of the beautiful Spring weather with a hike with good friends and the doggies. We had every intention of hiking Smith Rock, a State Park, just a a few miles from home, but when we arrived the park was over crowded. Not only was it a perfect Spring day it was also the first weekend of Spring Break for the local schools! I am not a fan of huge crowds so we decided to turn around a head for Cline Butte; that way the three dogs could actually burn some energy off leash.

Hailey and I atop Cline Butte

I've purchased a few travel vouchers for some surrounding areas for the future. We are headed to Grants Pass to go wine tasting for Mike's birthday. We get a river view cabin for two nights, a bottle of wine, dinner, daily breakfast, and 13 vineyard vouchers! I hope we can make it to the southern coast, too if time allows. I know Mike wants to fish so I am sure we will be doing so of that somewhere as well; it is his birthday after all!

A view of a room

I also decided that we needed to try "luxury camping" so we will be taking a trip to Olympia, Washington sometime between now and the end of September to give it a whirl! I got two nights in an open air "safari style " tent; accommodated with a memory foam bed, microwave, fridge, candles, heater, and close to a bathroom and shower located in a State Park. We get 'smores, muffins and coffee included. I think it may be a great way to celebrate a 3 year wedding anniversary and a great time to meet Teresa from Not Pregnant and Pissed; wouldn't you think!?

Luxury Camping

The Safari Tent

Next, we need to plan a tropical trip; we just can't seem to decide where! Mike has narrowed it down to a Caribbean location- we just can't figure out which Caribbean location, yet. I am not a very seasoned traveler- or flyer- so I am not sure what the best option is for planning such a vacation. Do we use a travel agent? Expedia? Fly from multiple locations or try to fly as direct as possible? If anyone has any helpful info, I would LOVE to hear it!

What about you; do you have any travel plans this Spring or Summer?

*edit*
 Since the post- I had to cancel the "luxury camping" adventure. The resort was sold out during the week we wanted to go - we had to reserve a spot for 2015!