Whatever It Is...

Where do I even start? Even though it has only been 2 weeks since my last post, it feels like forever since I've shared my thoughts with the keyboard so, I am going to warn you now that this post will most likely be all over the place and maybe even a little contradictory at times. 

Let me start by saying that work is going great! I absolutely LOVE it! I have caught onto the dental terminology and the office procedures pretty quickly. The staff has been more than great. Each one of them have told me how great I am doing; which feels pretty awesome! I should also mention that the hours are pretty kick ass. I get alternating 3 and 4 day weekends and I am off by 4 pm! And, I also just got my first bonus check! I can't complain about one darn thing when it comes to work. I feel very blessed and fortunate to work for such a generous doctor and with such fun ladies. This job was definitely worth the wait.

Last weekend we went camping, again. We headed for a campground in the Mt. Hood National Forest but that didn't fair out so well. Every single campground was full. Not. Kidding. I was pissed. We drove for 4 hours before we decided that we would just turn around and head home. On the way back we happened to find a pretty sweet spot off the side of the road so we decided to set up camp. I never knew that it was free to camp along the road in the forest! Luckily we found a spot where we could pull off the road into the campsite. It was super peaceful and private. Mike caught a few fish, I was able to finish a book, and Zoie got her first tick. Eeeek! 

Our own private campground

A view from the river

Mike fly fishing

My first time chopping wood

I was really worried that AF was going to show up while we were in the woods without a bathroom. But, she never did make her appearance, thank goodness! I wouldn't have enjoyed the trip much if she did. I'll confess that I even took a HPT when we got back since it was nearly 2 weeks since I took the last one. I thought "maybe, juuuust maybe...". Of course, the test was negative and my period started the next day. I swear it happens every time!

It was a horrible period. I had terrible cramps the first two days and it was heavy. I hate it when my cycle goes that long; 48 days long... the periods are NEVER fun at that point. Today is CD 5 and I am still spotting. UGH!

I wish I could say that I was excited to start on a new cycle; I'm not. I don't really care, to be honest. I am not sure if I am ready to accept a child-free life or if I am trying to convince myself that I am suppose to live this life child-free. 

I know that I have said that I am content and happy with the life we have and that I am ready to live instead of wait. Even though I do believe that I am happier, I am not sure that I am as content as I say. I wonder if I am "faking it until I make it". I wonder if I am trying to convince myself that I am not meant to be a mother because it is not happening as easily as it should.

I am trying to find the difference between acceptance and convincing. No one can tell me how, when, where, if, I will ever get pregnant. No one can tell me that I will one day have a family. No one can guarantee that sort of thing. So, should I start entertaining the idea of a life lived forever without children? I'd prefer to entertain the idea that we can live our life child-free with the hopes that one day we will be parents. 

Recently, I was pondering the life without children. I was thinking about all the times that we are able to pick up and leave without reserve. I thought about all the times we are able to plan a vacation that revolves only around us, I thought about the lack of clutter and noise we have, I thought about all the extra things we get to buy ourselves and all the fancy dinners we get to enjoy with out having to track down a babysitter. I thought about all the things we get to do and all the things we will be able to do if we chose to live a life child-free.

Then I started thinking about all the things we would be missing out on. We would never hear the words "I love you mommy, I love you daddy", we would never feel the tiny arms holding us tight, we would never get to experience sleepless nights, we would never see firsts steps taken, never hear firsts words spoken. I thought about the things we will never experience if we chose to live a child-free life.

After imagining my life both ways- neither seemed to be the "perfect life". One path didn't have all the answers. Each path would be giving up something in order to gain something. 

I read an article in Time Magazine that talked about living the child-free life and it made me think about a couple that they featured who were faced with the reality that life would be lived with out children. Instead of letting that reality destroy them, they chose to grieve the life they didn't have. She put a pink tutu in a box and he put in a "geek article". They keep the box close and always remember the child they wished they had- on the other hand, they would have grieved the life they have now; had they had children. You see, it just goes to show that we must give to receive.

As of this moment, I am not sure I am meant to be a mother. Honestly, it is because I do love my life the way it is at the moment and because I am not ready to invest nearly $20,000 into IVF so that we can TRY another way to get pregnant. I can't put us that far into debt for only the hope of it working. I know that sometimes it takes hard work, money, science, and a whole lot of patience, and hope to get pregnant but, right now I don't have it. I don't have that sort of commitment or desperation to conceive. I admire and envy those women who were; and are, determined enough to do whatever they can; at any cost, to have their family. I just can't. I'm not there yet. Maybe I am not ready to be a mother?

I am just not sure it is what I am suppose to do. If it was, why am I so torn?  I started thinking that sometimes somethings just aren't meant to be- no matter how hard I try; no matter how bad I want it; if it isn't going to happen- it isn't, and I usually have a gut feeling as to which way it is going to go. My battle with infertility is reminding me a lot of an abusive relationship. It is a constant ride of emotional highs and lows, some one is always hurt and let down but they continue to go back for more... with hopes that the next time will be different. I know this- because I was there once. Why should I think that the next big treatment is going to be the one?

Normally, I am not one to believe in God's will... but you know what? I do believe in Him and I do think my life has a purposeful path and even though it may not be the path I want right now, I want to believe it is the path I was meant to navigate. I also want to believe that when the time is right- I will conceive and if that day never comes I want to believe I will know why someday. Some how.

Am I accepting this current reality? Am I convincing myself  that this is what my life was destined to be? Am I in denial? Am I trying to find ways to dull the pain? Who knows.... all I know is that is feels good not to be in a fight with myself, Mike, or God. So, whatever it is I am doing... I hope I continue doing it because right now it is making me feel less defeated and more empowered.

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.

Maya Angelou

 

It's Working!

I want to start off by thanking all of you for the wonderful comments you left on my last post. You sure know how to make a girl feel good and confident in her decision! So, thank you!!

I am still not testing or monitoring my cycle; although, I have thought about it daily. Today is CD 18 and I am have been having my normal 'pre-ovulation' symptoms. I tend to get this sharp, "side ache" like feeling, a week or two prior to ovulation, as well a low back pain; those symptoms started a couple days ago. I also have been experiencing an increase of cervical mucus. My body is telling me that ovulation should be coming. I say "should" because with my body and my PCOS, you never know if or when it will happen. I am a tricky one.

Mike is working nights for the next few days so I am tempted to just let this whole cycle go with out trying to catch ovulation. I want to stick to the mode we have been in since vacation. However, I want to know if in fact I do ovulate and I would love to catch the surge so I can compare to the last natural cycle. Because I am in such a comfortable place right now I truly believe I can do it without stressing or causing stress.

Friday I went over to visit my sister and drop off an anniversary gift for them as well as to meet her friend that she introduced me to via Facebook when I was first diagnosed with PCOS, over a year ago. Jen also has PCOS and had to resort to a RE to help conceive her two beautiful children. She was helpful in offering advice and she did her best to keep my spirit up when I wanted to quit. She has been great. So, of course I had to meet her in person and the two miracle babies!

Normally I tend to shy away from children; you would think that I would drool over every baby I see, since I want one of my own so badly but, I don't. I tend to smile and admire them from afar and look away before my eyes well up with tears, before my heart starts to aches, before my mind reminds me that I am childless. When I walked into the house, Jen's baby girl came right up to me, stretched out her arms and said "up". Of course, I couldn't say no to her; she looked like the perfect little doll! She was so small and round and had beautiful, long, brown hair; she was so cute! Without thinking, I picked her up and my heart immediately filled with joy! Holding her was great; it felt natural and healing.

When I left my sister's house I didn't sulk in private over the fact that we don't have kids, that I don't get to see Mike playing air hockey with his little girl, that I don't get to pick up my baby everyday. I left and went about my day. I went fishing with my other sister and her husband and I didn't think about my infertility, this blog, or my cycle. I was free of the burden of infertility for just a moment in time. It felt good. I felt present.

Then, the other day, something hit me. I realized that when I heard the news of women's BFP; in real life or in the infertility world, I would get so sad, angry, frustrated and jealous but, mostly I just got sad. Sad, because I feared that I was going to be left behind. I feared that while all my friends are having kids; or close to being done having kids, while other's, who have been on this infertility roller coaster with me are graduating into mommytobehood, I would still be here, competing against my own body in order to conceive. 

After I  recognized the true emotion I was able to remind myself of the things I learned while on vacation; I reminded myself that I have a great life full of love, compassion, support and trust. A life full of wonderful people and the chance to experience great things with them and through them. No matter what happens in our journey, no matter how many friends move on the be parents, no matter how long it takes us to have kids; or to accept the fact that we won't, no matter what, I reminded myself that we do have each other and a love strong enough to conquer anything.  Some people don't even have that.

Today as I read though blogs and status updates announcing pregnancies I felt such happiness and excitement for those women. My heart was warm and my stomach was filled with butterflies instead of tied in knots. My thoughts drifted to a positive place, a place full of good thoughts. I tried to imagine what it must feel like to be pregnant, to see the BFP for the first time, to be able to share with the others that your time has finally come! I was able to smile at the thought of it and it made me even more excited for those women who are where I want to be. My fear of  being left behind wasn't there nor was my jealousy or anger. All I felt was excitement for them. 

I started to wonder if being away from the doctor's office, out of the lab, and unaware of the numbers, helped get me to this calmer place. When we are actively trying to conceive our minds are even more consumed with infertility. Every monitored cycle I was on I would worry about numbers: were they right? Were they high enough? Did we mess up the timing? Is this going to be the cycle? Every day of a monitored cycle, we are planning the next steps; focusing on what could go right and what could go wrong.

Lately, it seems like our infertility is the last thing we consume our thoughts with. Of course, we still talk about having a family and what it would be like to finally get pregnant, however, we don't stress about it  and we remind ourselves how easy life is at the moment and that we better not take it for granted!

I said once before: I can either be infertile and miserable or infertile and happy. I'm choosing the latter. But, with infertility things things can always change, so I want to be clear:  I am not saying life will always be peaches n cream from here on out; I am sure there will be plenty of moments where I lose all hope, but the fact of the matter is, right now I am embracing this positive change in perspective.

All I Needed To Know I Learned on Vacation

While we were away on vacation I really "fell off the wagon". I took the advice of many and just relaxed and put TTC out of my mind. The entire week I was away I didn't chart my temps, I didn't take my meds and I didn't bother bringing OPKs with me. 

I am grateful that AF showed up when she did. Not only was my luteal phase right on; we were also able to really enjoy the time we had together. In the past we always seemed to be headed out of town near ovulation and I used to think that was the perfect time to "get it on", but now I am not too sure. This past week we were able to focus on us and the fun things we wanted to do with out the stress of TI.  Our vacation was a success and we were able to enjoy each other in an intimate fashion without any pressure,  just pure desire. It was the best sex we have had in a long time; we will both agree to that.

Now that we are home I have been contemplating whether or not I want to chart religiously, if I want to obsess over OPKs, if I want to force TI. I know that I have a hard time letting go of things; including things I never had control over in the first place. I have been so free of  worry and frustration this week but, I am not sure that feeling will stick around. I am about 5 days away from the time I should start testing for ovulation; Mike asked if I needed to get some tests while we were at the store the other day, instead of saying yes, I ponder the thought for a minute and said "No" and bolted out of the aisle before I could change my mind. I am not sure what I want to do.

A big part of me knows deep down that it will take a lot more than a positive OPK and perfect TI for us to conceive but, there is a small part of me that believes in miracles. The bigger part also tells me that since it will take a lot more that the norm, we should just stop worrying about it so much and just live. The small part of me says to do what I can until we are ready for IVF and Mike seems to be on board with that. He figures we can try and hope for the best. I keep telling myself that monitoring my cycles with BBT and OPKs will help me understand them better but, I have been doing that for 25 cycles now and I am still just as confused as ever and I am still not pregnant. There is always a dilemma with infertility, I swear!

This week also made me realize that I am married to a fantastic man who deals with my ups and downs with extreme patience and to a man who sees my pain before I feel it or express it. We spent some time talking about our life; the past, the present and the future. Even though we are no where close to "giving up" we are learning to accept the fact that we may never have children. Our life may be just what it is and we are okay with that, as long as we have one another.

If we never have children, I won't feel like my life isn't all that I want it to be. Today, my life is exactly what it is suppose to be; I am exactly where I need to be. I am sure seeing baby bumps will continue to hurt and I'm sure that I will still feel a sort of emptiness when I see a family of 3 (or more).  I am sure that I will still feel robbed as I hear the news of other's BFP but, I know that those feelings don't mean that I am unhappy or that I feel as though my life it not what I want it to be. It just means that the love we have for our unborn child will never go away nor will our desire to be parents.  I also know that the feelings of anger, bitterness, or envy, does not make me a bad person nor does it mean that I am insensitive or unhappy for others. It just means that I have a desire for a child and motherhood that runs deep.

This vacation also made me realize that it is okay to notice the freedom we have without children. I know that we spend so much of our time trying to figure out how to have kids that we don't spend enough time enjoying the alone time we have right now. It is okay to notice and appreciate how easy it is for us to do things with out children. It is okay to appreciate the peace and quite that we have. Being grateful for such things doesn't mean that we shouldn't have kids. Often times, I feel like because I want to be a mom and raise a child with my husband that I need to love all things about all kids all the time. That is not true. Right now I am a wife and I want to be able to focus on that while keeping hope that one day we will be parents.

I used to think that we were not ready to be parents. I thought that if we were not willing to put forth all of our energy, money and time, that we didn't want to be parents bad enough. I am sure there are people out there that probably do think that. However, I don't. My dream to be a mother will not die but, it will no longer take over my life. I have a wonderful family, a loving husband and a great dog, who at this time takes the place of a child. Those people deserve my attention and happiness, too; those people need me to be happy and present.

This ride we have been on has brought us closer to one another and it has taught us understanding. Infertility can either break or make a marriage and it is safe to say that while infertility might rob us of our dream to be parents but it won't rob us of the love we have for one another. Our love and commitment to each other is stronger than infertility.

There will come a day when I am back at the doctor's office, being poked and prodded too often, so for now I want to take some time to focus on the things and people I do have in my life. I want to leave the stress and worry at the door for a while. Does that mean I don't want to try? No. Does that mean we don't want to be parents bad enough? Hell no. 

For now, I will take it day by day. I am not sure how committed I will be to "trying" or monitoring, or not trying or not monitoring but, I will be committed to being happy and present. For a little while, at least.