The Reminders

I wrote this post a week ago and never got around to posting it. I had plans of proof reading it a few more times and altering it as needed, but too much time has passed and I am ready to move onto a new subject. With that being said, here are my thoughts from a few days past; unedited.

So, things have been kinda weird around here these days. I finally had a period after 70 days and then another one after less than 15 days! Yep, that's right; I didn't have a period at all in January and I've had two in March. My period came February 28th on CD 70 and again on March 13th on CD 14. I am so confused that I am not even sure what day to call this; according to "Fertility Friend" it is cycle day #4; I so don't even care!

Mike took off for a river trip this weekend and I went out with some friends from work one night and had my niece over the next night. I had quite the mix of emotions over those two days. It's funny how many emotions we go through on a daily basis when we really stop and take inventory. I am not sure if I have become more aware of my thoughts, feeling and reactions because I have gotten older or because of the things I have been through. I like to think it is the latter; only because I don't want to admit I am getting old.

While I was out with the girls on Friday night, one of them asked me how the baby thing was going and if we were still trying. I told her no and that we were just focusing on us right now; that the trying was taking over our relationship and we were beginning to feel the negative effects of it all. Another one of the girls asked her if she was trying yet and she said no- and just at that moment a little baby started screaming in the restaurant/pub. The four of us looked at each other and busted up laughing and in sync said "Another reason why we don't want to try!" It was hilarious! 

Saturday, Lily and I went grocery shopping. I am always amazed at how helpful she is. I never have to bribe her to do something. She loved pushing the cart at the store and was even helping me find the lowest priced items. When we got home she wanted to take the dogs for a walk before we headed out for a dinner date; she loves the dogs and she loves making sure they get exercise! After the walk she had her pick between cooking dinner at home, Chinese, Mexican or burgers and she wanted Mexican; I think that is because she knew mom and Lance were going to eat Mexican, too. 

At dinner she made me laugh so hard! She was eating chips waiting for her burrito to come and as she was eating her chips she was putting salt on each one individually instead of sprinkling salt over the whole basket. When her burrito came she ate about half before I could see her lose interest in it. Then she looks at me and says "Did you know my stomach has two parts?" "I does; How do you know" I asked. "I know because one part is burrito full but the other part isn't chip full" she said. I busted up! She always comes up with the most awesome stuff to say! She is so great.

When we went to sleep the reminder of why we wanted to be parents; why we were trying so hard to have a baby came. It came in her simple gesture before going to sleep, a gesture that filled my heart with love and my eyes with tears. She reached over, grabbed my hand. pulled it to her and held it before falling fast asleep.

That is why I want to be a mother. For those moments.

Thank you, Lily, for giving me the moments I may have never had (have) otherwise; for letting me feel the unconditional love of a child.

Whatever It Is...

Where do I even start? Even though it has only been 2 weeks since my last post, it feels like forever since I've shared my thoughts with the keyboard so, I am going to warn you now that this post will most likely be all over the place and maybe even a little contradictory at times. 

Let me start by saying that work is going great! I absolutely LOVE it! I have caught onto the dental terminology and the office procedures pretty quickly. The staff has been more than great. Each one of them have told me how great I am doing; which feels pretty awesome! I should also mention that the hours are pretty kick ass. I get alternating 3 and 4 day weekends and I am off by 4 pm! And, I also just got my first bonus check! I can't complain about one darn thing when it comes to work. I feel very blessed and fortunate to work for such a generous doctor and with such fun ladies. This job was definitely worth the wait.

Last weekend we went camping, again. We headed for a campground in the Mt. Hood National Forest but that didn't fair out so well. Every single campground was full. Not. Kidding. I was pissed. We drove for 4 hours before we decided that we would just turn around and head home. On the way back we happened to find a pretty sweet spot off the side of the road so we decided to set up camp. I never knew that it was free to camp along the road in the forest! Luckily we found a spot where we could pull off the road into the campsite. It was super peaceful and private. Mike caught a few fish, I was able to finish a book, and Zoie got her first tick. Eeeek! 

Our own private campground

A view from the river

Mike fly fishing

My first time chopping wood

I was really worried that AF was going to show up while we were in the woods without a bathroom. But, she never did make her appearance, thank goodness! I wouldn't have enjoyed the trip much if she did. I'll confess that I even took a HPT when we got back since it was nearly 2 weeks since I took the last one. I thought "maybe, juuuust maybe...". Of course, the test was negative and my period started the next day. I swear it happens every time!

It was a horrible period. I had terrible cramps the first two days and it was heavy. I hate it when my cycle goes that long; 48 days long... the periods are NEVER fun at that point. Today is CD 5 and I am still spotting. UGH!

I wish I could say that I was excited to start on a new cycle; I'm not. I don't really care, to be honest. I am not sure if I am ready to accept a child-free life or if I am trying to convince myself that I am suppose to live this life child-free. 

I know that I have said that I am content and happy with the life we have and that I am ready to live instead of wait. Even though I do believe that I am happier, I am not sure that I am as content as I say. I wonder if I am "faking it until I make it". I wonder if I am trying to convince myself that I am not meant to be a mother because it is not happening as easily as it should.

I am trying to find the difference between acceptance and convincing. No one can tell me how, when, where, if, I will ever get pregnant. No one can tell me that I will one day have a family. No one can guarantee that sort of thing. So, should I start entertaining the idea of a life lived forever without children? I'd prefer to entertain the idea that we can live our life child-free with the hopes that one day we will be parents. 

Recently, I was pondering the life without children. I was thinking about all the times that we are able to pick up and leave without reserve. I thought about all the times we are able to plan a vacation that revolves only around us, I thought about the lack of clutter and noise we have, I thought about all the extra things we get to buy ourselves and all the fancy dinners we get to enjoy with out having to track down a babysitter. I thought about all the things we get to do and all the things we will be able to do if we chose to live a life child-free.

Then I started thinking about all the things we would be missing out on. We would never hear the words "I love you mommy, I love you daddy", we would never feel the tiny arms holding us tight, we would never get to experience sleepless nights, we would never see firsts steps taken, never hear firsts words spoken. I thought about the things we will never experience if we chose to live a child-free life.

After imagining my life both ways- neither seemed to be the "perfect life". One path didn't have all the answers. Each path would be giving up something in order to gain something. 

I read an article in Time Magazine that talked about living the child-free life and it made me think about a couple that they featured who were faced with the reality that life would be lived with out children. Instead of letting that reality destroy them, they chose to grieve the life they didn't have. She put a pink tutu in a box and he put in a "geek article". They keep the box close and always remember the child they wished they had- on the other hand, they would have grieved the life they have now; had they had children. You see, it just goes to show that we must give to receive.

As of this moment, I am not sure I am meant to be a mother. Honestly, it is because I do love my life the way it is at the moment and because I am not ready to invest nearly $20,000 into IVF so that we can TRY another way to get pregnant. I can't put us that far into debt for only the hope of it working. I know that sometimes it takes hard work, money, science, and a whole lot of patience, and hope to get pregnant but, right now I don't have it. I don't have that sort of commitment or desperation to conceive. I admire and envy those women who were; and are, determined enough to do whatever they can; at any cost, to have their family. I just can't. I'm not there yet. Maybe I am not ready to be a mother?

I am just not sure it is what I am suppose to do. If it was, why am I so torn?  I started thinking that sometimes somethings just aren't meant to be- no matter how hard I try; no matter how bad I want it; if it isn't going to happen- it isn't, and I usually have a gut feeling as to which way it is going to go. My battle with infertility is reminding me a lot of an abusive relationship. It is a constant ride of emotional highs and lows, some one is always hurt and let down but they continue to go back for more... with hopes that the next time will be different. I know this- because I was there once. Why should I think that the next big treatment is going to be the one?

Normally, I am not one to believe in God's will... but you know what? I do believe in Him and I do think my life has a purposeful path and even though it may not be the path I want right now, I want to believe it is the path I was meant to navigate. I also want to believe that when the time is right- I will conceive and if that day never comes I want to believe I will know why someday. Some how.

Am I accepting this current reality? Am I convincing myself  that this is what my life was destined to be? Am I in denial? Am I trying to find ways to dull the pain? Who knows.... all I know is that is feels good not to be in a fight with myself, Mike, or God. So, whatever it is I am doing... I hope I continue doing it because right now it is making me feel less defeated and more empowered.

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.

Maya Angelou

 

Mourning...

On December 14, 2012, we were all hit with a sad, horrific, heartbreaking crime. 27 people lost their lives that day, and billions of hearts were torn apart.

I am not a mother, but I am an aunt, and for me, that is pretty darn close. I wouldn't know what to do if one of my nieces or nephews never came home from school. These children in Connecticut are not my next of kin, or friends, not even acquaintances. They are complete strangers, but I grieve for each and every one.

There are so many opinions going around as to why this happened and who is to blame. So many of those comments make me ill. This is not a debate. A mentally ill individual killed 27 innocent people. HE is to blame. Not the NRA, the school, the teachers, the shooter's parents, and NOT GOD! The shooter was obviously mentally unstable, he was ill. Normal people do not have thoughts of mass murder; let alone a mass murder of small children. A normal person could not carry out those actions. 

I have chosen not to read any information about the shooter, I wont even call him by name. Maybe that is cruel, since we think he was ill, and obviously in need of  mental health help. But, none the less, he killed those beautiful people, and then himself. Leaving us all wondering "WHY"?

These days I notice myself reflecting on my loved ones, reaching out to them, spending more time with them, telling them how much I love them, because we just never know.

I vow to remember these families and to keep them in my prayers always. May their memories live on....