Lab Work

For the past couple months I have been experiencing this sharp pain on my left ovary; similar to ovulation pain, but much more intense and consistent. My last cycle was 97 days long, and I started feeling the pain before our trip to Montana. It is a sharp, stabbing, twisting sensation and it often is noticeable in the sitting or bending forward position.

The pains started before Montana but I didn't pay too much attention to them (other than when I was experiencing them)- I was more concerned with my absent period and it's timing; I feared it would appear as we were camping, in a tent, in bear territory! Once we got home, and my period came, I figured the pains were related to my "ovulation", however, the pains continued through my period and have continued, even, on cycle day 53.

Last week, I decided it was time to take a look inside and see what was causing this pain; I feared it could have been a big cyst or a growth. I had labs done and a pelvic ultrasound and the tech actually found a freakin' 17mm follicle on my left ovary, unfortunately, it was CD 47! Today I got my labs back and this is what they read: (keep in mind: this is not a monitored cycle- this was only a draw to see WTF my body is doing....)

FSH: 3.6
LH: 11.1
TSH: 1.14
Prolactin: 13.66
T4, Free: 1.19
Insulin: 7.5

Radiology Report:
Last menstrual cycle: 9/30/14
Uterus: 8.2 x 3.6 x 4.3cm
Endometrium: 6.6mm
Right Ovary: 37 x 27 x 27mm (multiple follicles)
Left Ovary: 49 x 25 x 35mm (Follicles up to 17mm)

I was told that everything on the ultrasound looked fine; the follicle could be an ovulation cyst and that may be what is causing the pain, or maybe a follicle (probably not a good one) and my labs resemble a PCOS patient. I was told I could do two things: go on the pill to regulate my cycles or try Clomid or Femara again to help both regulate my my cycle and promote ovulation.

After talking to Mike, we aren't prepared to do either, we want a better option. There is no way we want to completely prohibit our chance to conceive by, no matter how unlikely it may be, taking the pill and I don't think Femara will increase our option this cycle if it didn't the 7 cycles before it.

Am I being ridiculous and jaded by thinking that?

Anyway.... what do you make of my labs, my ultrasound and my pain? Keep in mind, we were NOT trying this month and we sure didn't time anything to match up with that 17mm follicle.

Montana On My Mind

Never in my life have I seen such amazing scenery. We went to Glacier National Park Montana, back in September and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. Even though we had a less than ideal trip, the beauty I was able to witness makes up for all the less than beautiful moments we experienced.

We started our trip late Friday evening by making the 10 hour drive to Missoula, where we stopped for fuel, food and last minute camping items; then we made the 3 hour trek into Glacier. When we arrived in Glacier we had beautiful weather the first two days on the west side of the park, but once we moved to the east side the weather changed; one day we had beautiful 70* weather and the next we had snow and 23* temperatures! Even though we were not truly prepared for the weather conditions we made the best of each day with long hikes; we hiked 30 miles in 3 days!

 Here are a few of my favorite photos of the trip, but trust me.... the pictures don't do the place justice.

1st day at Avalanche Lake

View along Hidden Lake Trail

Looking down to Hidden Lake from the trail

Along Hidden Lake Trail

I love the color contrast Glacier offers

Hidden Lake Overlook

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Day #3 Bull Head Lake Trail @ Red Rock Falls

Signage along Ptarmigan Tunnel Trail

Sigss don't lie- this is a bear you "bearly see"

Along the trail to the tunnel

The way up to the tunnel

We made it to the top! 

Goodbye, Glacier. I will miss you!

Final resting place- The Bitterroot River Campsite

The World Keeps Turning

You guys, it feels like I have lost my writing mojo. I have been literally sitting at this blank white screen rough draft (and watching the football game) for over a half an hour now for over two weeks. Every time I start a sentence I delete it. When did writing on my blog get so difficult? It's not like I don't have things to write about because I do. I used to write on this blog like it was my daily journal; thoughts and feelings used to flow so easily, but now I feel like I have to pry them out of me and when I do, it all just sounds so stupid.

The last time we were in the doctor's office for (in)fertility reasons was in April. We have not been consumed with anything related to fertility; we haven't been counting cycle days, charting temps, or spending bathroom breaks testing ovulation sticks. We do still (sometimes) talk about having kids; all the stuff we've tried and haven't tried, but it is just part of random conversation now- not motive.

I am still here reading your posts and checking in on all of you; even if I don't comment like I should. I'm not gonna lie though, I feel so detached from my infertile life and friends right now. It's been along time since we have really tried to get pregnant that sometimes when I read your posts or Facebook feeds I become overwhelmed-- like I can't relate anymore.

Some days it really does feel like we have been left behind to suffer alone in the bitter battle of infertility, and other days it feels as though we were meant to be the "child-free" couple that we are. Infertility is a catch 22; while we are able to do whatever we want, whenever we want, we have to face the fact that a lot of our friendships are going to change and some may even grow apart. The more time that passes the more I realize I may never relate to friends who have kids and they may not be able to relate to us any more, either.

I mentioned to someone the other day that it seems as though life only changes when you are the one on the outside looking in. There are times it feels like our lives have stayed the same (even though they haven't) while all of our friend's lives seem to be growing and expanding; we watch the children of our loved ones evolve from dreams to growing realities; the infants are becoming toddlers and toddlers are becoming teens and the only thing changing in this house is Zoie's our waistlines.

Even though infertility is painful and dream crushing- I hope that our story might be able to be the light in someone else's darkness. I hope that I can encourage other women (and or men) to find happiness in the life they do have; to seek the sweet in the sour. Life is not perfect, but some times the most painful experiences can lead us to beautiful transformations.

I don't believe that our battle with infertility is ending in defeat; I believe our story is continuing on with strength, determination and hope -- and I believe that time can help lessen the pain of our wounds.

That is all I have for now..... if I keep trying to add on to this post I will never post it.

P.S. I haven't written on the new blog yet but you can find me here...
http://ourlifeslemonade.blogspot.com/