Friday, October 25, 2013

Where Am I?

I feel like I have been avoiding my blog. It has been hard to write. I have things to say but I don't know how to say them. I don't know how to say them because I am not really sure how I am felling.

The last time I really wrote a heart felt post was when I released the bitch from my head over a month ago. I am not sure if the pain of feeling broken in a room full of pregnant women and newborn babies was enough to make me go numb or if it was the start of a new form of healing and transformations.

I haven't really thought about where I am at right now; I am not sure what I want to do next. I have always been a pretty impulsive person and that is what I am trying not to do. Right now I am just trying to live in the moment, take each day as it comes and cherish it.

My last cycle was 73 days long! I thought about calling the doctor and having him refill my BCP so that my cycle will stay at 28 days since we are not going to fork out any more money at this point on fertility treatments but,  I am working really hard at losing weight (203 down to 175) and those damn pills only add the weight on so I wasn't about to add number to the scale as well!

The crap thing is that I got a positive OPK on CD 16 (August 22) and then again on CD 42 (September 17) I got 2 positive OPKs and 2 negative OPKs using the same urine. WTF!? UGH. We didn't even worry about bd'ing too much to be totally honest. I mean, how freaking reliable is that?

On cycle day 57 I started feeing nauseas and sorta thought, maybe?
You know me though, I won't test.  Sure enough, three days after I call the RE to see what to do... on the evening of CD 72 AF started knocking lightly at the door and by the morning of CD 73 she had arrived! Cancel the lab order; cancel the meds.

Today is CD 8 and I am not even thinking about when or if I will try the OPKs this month. Right now, I am over it.  I am over the confusion, the expectation, the let down, the heartache, the frustration. I am over it all. Of course, I think about it or I wouldn't be here, in front of my computer, writing about it.

In my life I have faced many struggles, sadly, a few of those struggles were self induced, others were not. Regardless, each struggle has transformed me into who I am today and each struggle I face continues to shape me. Infertility has proven to be another beautiful, painful, struggle. A struggle that may not end the way we hoped; but one that has helped make me a better person, for sure.

Two years ago I saw my infertility as a curse. Today, I see my infertility is a gift. I have been able to help other women through their journey with my words, and I was able to share the transformation that infertility caused in my life through my blog.

As I told a dear friend last night; there may come a time when my life and my blog shift themes; a time when my focus is no longer on infertility but rather on the beauty surrounding my life but, no matter what, I will always remember the women who helped me though this journey and I will always be here for you. I hope that one day all of you get your BFP -or-  find the peace that I have been able to find (on most days).

The trick? One day at a time.


  1. I stumbled upon your post a few months ago and have kept up with it, it is part of the reason that pushed me to finally open up to our family and friends about our struggle, on our blog. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us and for your strength!

    1. I am so glad you stumbled on my blog! I am now following yours and loved your "coming out" post! Thank you for your kind words!

  2. So very true- one day at a time. Beautifully put!

  3. This is a beautiful post, Teresa! I will always be praying for you (and everyone else) and will always follow your blog (no matter what it's about) because I care about you and whatever goes on in your life. You are a sweet friend and I am glad to know that your have found peace. :)

  4. I agree, very nicely put! And I agree with you about infertility being a bit of a gift. It has for me as well.

  5. It is so true about infertility being a gift. I have been able to share with so many women as well about my struggles and have been able to encourage them. The relief and smiles I get from that are priceless. I do not wish infertility on anyone, but the amazing community of women that I have become apart of will be friends for life!

    Man and Wife and Two Fur Babies

  6. Such a thoughtful post, you've been on my mind lately dear friend.

  7. Thanks for your honest post, Teresa. I'm not yet at the point where I see my infertility as a gift, but it gives me hope that I can get there eventually.

  8. This is beautiful and raw. I'm glad you're finding your piece. Congratulations on the weight loss. I find it extra difficult with all the highs and lows pushing me towards food so that's such a huge accomplishment.

  9. Wow. You are amazing! I pray I can find peace as you have, someday. XOXO

  10. We spent several years not reall thinking about ttc. Not preventing it, but not actively trying either. We had completely given up on the idea of having kids. Then one day, we made the decision to REALLY try and persued treatments. The thing is, I we had never taken those last steps, I would have always wondered what if. I would always have been a little sad for what we didn't have. However, I also think we could have been happy as well. It's so much better to be in a place of peace with it all and I am glad you have found that place, for the most part. As you mentioned, IF will always be there. It just doesn't have to consume you. I will continue to read your blog no matter what you are writing about, because I love YOU.

  11. Thinking of you and hoping for better days ahead <3


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