Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Better To Be Too Soon Than Never At All (In My Opinion)

I've been trying to get pregnant for close to four years now. Two of those years have been spent pursuing multiple fertility treatments that only resulted in multiple BFN's. We have written several checks to doctors for procedures, volunteered numerous amounts of bodily fluids to the lab for testing, spent too much time scheduling sex, and wasted to many words on arguments in search of a BFP. We have begged and pleaded, prayed and mediated. We have dreamed of the day we would be able to announce that there would finally be a Baby Findley on the way!

Recently, a very dear friend, and well known blogger, Risa, lost her baby in an early miscarriage. She was four weeks along and extremely excited. For those of you who don't know her whole story, let me just say that she has been through numerous fertility treatments and after her first IVF, she got her one and only BFP. At four weeks, my dear friend lost her baby.

Some one in her real life told her she announced the pregnancy "too soon". It made me think....

Mike and I have talked about that dreamed of BFP and the announcement many times . We have asked the question "When will we make the big announcement?".  Mike knew right away that I would not be able to keep it a secret. I knew that Mike would want to wait. It was a great discussion for us; and now that time has passed. and more and more people become aware of our story; we know we wouldn't want to keep it a secret. We know we would be too excited to hold such exciting news hostage until we were "in the clear".

I wouldn't be able to keep it to myself for three reasons. Number One: who doesn't love celebrating a victory? Getting pregnant after infertility is a huge, huge, huge, thing! I would want to share that with everyone. To me, getting pregnant after infertility is the same as beating cancer. Number two: every pregnancy means a child is growing and because we have no idea how long we have with that child we need to celebrate its life! It doesn't matter how far along you are: 4 weeks, 12 weeks, 15 weeks, 24 weeks, 39 weeks; if a pregnancy is ending a baby is dying. Number three: guarantees are few and far between in life and they are basically non-existent in pregnancy and infertility. I would want to embrace my pregnancy and share it with the ones I love because you never know what will happen. You don't know if the pregnancy will last, you don't know if the baby will survive, you don't know if that will be your last pregnancy.

Some people think that it is better to wait until you are out of the first trimester before telling friends and family the news that you are expecting.  I understand that some most people or more reserved than I am. What I don't understand is how the news of a miscarriage is any more or less important or devastating at one stage or another. Do people keep early miscarriages a secret? Pretend they never happened? Deal with them later? I understand that women who have experienced losses would be more reserved and cautious about announcing the pregnancy; but for someone who has never had a BFP before, I don't understand why it is "too soon" to tell your loved ones that your dream finally came true; no matter how far along you are.

I am not saying that I think women should announce to the entire world that she is pregnant as soon as the test revels that long awaited second line. I am saying that I don't think it is "too soon" to share the news with the ones you love the most as soon as you know you are pregnant.

My friend lost her baby at 4 weeks, my sister lost her baby at 15 weeks, my mom lost her baby at full term. I don't know what difference it makes when the announcement of the pregnancy was made;  if it is going to end, it is going to end. Don't go on living one day, while being pregnant, without celebrating it, and the child growing, for all its amazing glory!

Kudos to you Risa, for embracing your pregnancy, for loving and celebrating your angel baby. I admire you. I will always remember your BFP and your baby. Thank you for letting me celebrate it with you; no matter how short it was.



54 comments:

  1. I love this post! I agree! Celebrate the life no matter what! :)

    Also, it has got to be hard to hide a pregnancy especially when you blog about your process every week..sometimes twice a week!

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    1. Thanks! I totally agree that it would be hard to keep it a secret when so many know about our struggle.

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  2. In all fairness Teresa you are doing the same thing as the person did to Risa by telling her it was to early to share the news. It is a very personal decision and there is no right or wrong way to handle that situation. I am personally one of the people who will not share news of a pregnancy with any other people then the woman in my blog and infertility group until well after 16 weeks. That for me is a decision I have thought about for many long hours. After 6 losses, it is difficult not to become a little more hesitate and cautious. Like I said though there is no right or wrong answer. Getting a positive for many woman is a huge accomplishment and I totally understand wanting to celebrate and yell it off the roof tops. I also understand those who have recurrent losses to be the exact opposite.

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    1. Eeeek! That is not at all what I was trying to say. I did not mean for it to sound as if I was telling anyone when the right time was. I was speaking from my point of view.

      I know that women who have experienced loss will feel differently. I respect that and even though I have never been pregnant, therefore, I have never experienced a loss; I can understand why they would want to wait.

      I also know that as someone who has never seen a BFP and as someone who has seen/heard/know of losses at many different stages... it won't matter to me how far along I am; when I get that first BFP (if at all) I will share with my closest friends and family and I will find some clever way to share the news.

      I am not implying that I will sent out mass texts or post about it publicly on Facebook, I am just saying that no matter what stage I am in, I will need the support of my friends and family.

      :-)

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    2. I'm with T on this one. The decision to share a pregnancy announcement is a very personal one. Years before this journey, I would have criticized someone for sharing their news too early. But then I watched women who had to struggle go through this process and watched as some of them chose to share the news that they were finally pregnant following seeing that second line while others (like me) held the news close to their hearts until they were finally at a point where sharing didn't cause a massive anxiety attack. For each person, it's different.


      What I will agree with you on us that no matter what, these types of decisions should not be judged. Those that think they know best really do need to do some self analysis as it's a bit too high and mighty to pass such judgement. Frankly, I think it says worlds about someone who does this. After all, what have they got to lose?

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    3. I did not mean for this post to sound as if I was telling people when to share.... I am just saying that if people want to share as soon as they know... then that is fine, I think it is great they celebrate the life they have growing inside them... I also understand why others wait. But, to tell some one who did announce it that they did it too soon... well, that is wrong.

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    4. Also.... I don't think my post is anything like the comment Risa received. At all. ;-)

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    1. Thank you, Stacie! I am worried it came out wrong...

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  4. And you know thatpost is said with love and respect for your opinion :)

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  5. I agree. Love this! Risa is such a brave admirable soul. I don't think she's foolish for announcing it or for heading out and buying baby clothes. I think she's just one damn good mom.

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    1. She is brave and so amazing. I am so glad that she was able to experience a BFP and was able to be pregnant. I hope she never forgets those moments.

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  6. I once had a patient who had a loss at 19 weeks, when she was pregnant again, I asked if she thought about when she would announce the pregnancy "we told everyone as soon as we had a positive test" she informed "after going through such a loss, we knew we needed all the love and support of our friends, and we needed it as soon as possible" Enough said!

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  7. It's so hard to know what to do. With my first pregnancy, I told everyone because I assumed it would last. With my second I was a lot more cautious because I was all too aware how easily it can be taken away.

    It's nice when people know what you're going through, so if you randomly burst into tears or have to leave the room when a pregnant person walks in, no one is shocked. But it's also so deeply personal that you feel like you don't want to share the pain with anyone. There's really no "right" way to process it.

    I do think that it's never too early to celebrate, and even being happy in those first few days is better than assuming a negative outcome. We can't predict how it will all play out. But we can celebrate that little life inside, no matter how briefly he or she stays with us.

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    1. I hope that no one thinks that I am trying to say that we should tell the world as soon as the second line appears. I was just trying to say that as a woman who has never had a BFP- I would not be able to wait to share... and I think it is wonderful to embrace that first BFP with the ones closest to you.

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  8. very sweet post!!! I agree, a life is a life, no matter how far along and it's important to celebrate! Everyone just has their different reasons for why they share when they do!

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  9. These types of stupid "pregnancy rules" make me so bloody mad. With my first pregnancy, I waited until early 2nd trimester to make the big announcement. The safe zone right? Well, guess what, I ended up losing my twin girls at 21 weeks due to my cervix crapping out on me. How's that for a safe zone? People should mind their own effing business when it comes to these things. As a loss mom, I know all too well that a pregnancy is never safe. Don't listen to anyone - announce when you're comfortable with doing so. xoxo

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    1. Thank you for sharing! Nothing in infertility or pregnancy holds a guarantee!

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  10. Like you said, I think it is so important to celebrate it no matter how far along. The very same people that share in your joy will be the ones who would also be right by your side in the terrible event that you lost the baby. I think support is so very important in trying to heal in any situation. I have no idea what losing a baby feels like but I'm sure I would want all the support I could get.

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    1. Agreed! Thank you Amie for supporting me and my blog. You are so great!

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  11. This is a tough one! J and I hadn't really let ourselves go there in terms of exactly how we would handle a BFP. Even though I thought about it a million times myself, I wasn't prepared for the tidal wave of contradicting emotions when it came to telling people outside of family and close friends. I felt relief and almost immediately, sheer panic after telling a lot of people. It isn't how I thought it would be at all.
    That comment to Risa got under my skin too. It's not what she needed to hear. It was not helpful or supportive. I agree that if anything happened, I would need those people to support and lift me up, but to each her own!

    Always thinking of you, Risa. XOXO

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    1. Thanks, Laura! Have you told yet??

      I am so excited to follow your journey into motherhood!

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  12. Don't worry, I don't think your post came out wrong at all. I get what you are trying to say, and I think that Risa was right in telling all of those people who would love little Blasty that that baby was there, growing. It is devastating to lose a child. A "early" miscarriage is not different than one further along in pregnancy because in those seconds that you pee on a stick, that the doctor tells you your beta results, you love that child more than anything. Your life acquires a whole new meaning as you are now trying to ensure that this precious little candle inside of you burns and grows. My heart breaks for Risa. I was so happy for her, and so glad that as a reader of her blog I was allowed to experience her joy. Now, I hope I can support her in her mourning.

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    1. THANK YOU! I have been worried that I offended people and that was NOT my intention! I feel like I failed at blogging- this is the first post that may have been misinterpreted!

      Your comment is wonderful- and you are so right!

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  13. Prayers to Risa! XOXO

    When my husband and I started trying, we were very quick to get our BFP, but that ended in a (missed) miscarriage at 10 weeks, and we've been battling infertility since for about two years now. Someday I hope for a second BFP for however long that baby is allowed to be with me, and I often ponder this question myself - will I wait to tell or will I not wait? It's a completely personal and difficult decision and people should always do what they think is best. If you want to tell, tell, if you don't, don't. You're right that the loss is the same whether people know or don't know. My husband and I are the opposite of you and your husband. He doesn't want to wait and would totally tell the moment a second line comes up, and I'm so hesitant about it. I want to be a person who can tell right away and have that hope. I was that person the first time around and I hope that by the time the second time arrives (God Speed that it ever does), I'll be able to be that person again.

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    1. I hope that you are able to conceive again! I am happy that this post got to you. You never know what may happen... it is just a reminder to embrace the moments you do have. XO

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  14. Teresa, holy crap girl, I didn't think my post was going to draw this much attention. You didn't cause any offense at all with this post. My main reason for telling the world was that my family and friends read my blog, and for me to be "absent" or be silent about a beta they knew was coming up, is a joke. It would never happen. But I thank you and everyone who commented on here for supporting me in my "early announcement." It's pretty flattering how many have my back. <3

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    1. I also did not mean to cause a stir- that was not my intention. I realize my post may sound like I was "defending" but you blog post made me think... and I wanted to share why I think it is never to soon. I understand both sides of this coin... but, right now I only identify with one. And that is the need to tell!

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  15. I think we should celebrate our pregnancies and I do understand, since I've had many failures in the pregnancy part, keeping it oneself. I know I'd be sharing my happiness with all of you as I know you'll be there for me if does go badly too.

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    1. Thanks, Rebecca. I think it is all a personal choice. There is no right or wrong way, time, or answer.

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  16. When we were TTC via surrogacy, my SIL wanted to tell immediately. I did not and we chose to wait until after 12 weeks. This was after we had told everyone we could think of getting a bfp. It was SO hard to "untell" everyone that we didn't want to go through all the questions and "I'm sorry" again.. So when we did our FET we only told my sister and my Mom and dh's Dad.. When it too ended in another chemical I was relieved we didn't tell many people (except for my blog readers!). Our last try I was so terrified I just knew I had to wait and I explained to SIL the reasons I wanted to wait and told her she could share with anyone that would not out our news to people I knew (we live in different states, so she just couldn't tell any family members) We "went public" right after 12 weeks and I immediately felt like I had just jinxed everything :-( I know that probably sounds crazy, but after the bfns and chemicals it seemed to good to be true and that could be the reason most don't tell until later.. I think it is really personal and also depends on how well you can handle all that comes with "untelling" everyone if something goes wrong..

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    1. It can be so different for so many and it all depends on experience and history;in my opinion. There is no right time- no perfect time- it is just what feels right- ;-)

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  17. This is exactly how I feel. A few days, weeks, months, it doesn't matter, it IS a loss. I had an early loss and was devastated. And as for sharing the news, I've been on several sides of this. Pregnancy is a gift, and if someone wants to share it from day one, they SHOULD! Some wait so that they wouldn't have to share bad news later, and that's fine. With my loss, I ended up telling more people that I'd been pregnant but lost it than I told I was pregnant before I'd miscarried. It's a personal choice, but no one should be judged for that.

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    1. Exactly- time doesn't matter! A pregnancy means there is a baby! I don't anyone has to share until they are ready- but don't tell someone who just had a loss that it was too soon.... No one should be judged, you are right!

      Hugs!

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  18. I thought the same thing when I was reading Risa's post. That person's comment really bothered me. When we got our first two BFP's (one which resulted in a miscarriage at 19 weeks and the other ended in a live birth), we told people right away. I loved that and wouldn't have changed it for anything, but my husband and I have been toying with the idea of keeping it to ourselves for a little longer next time...not for fear of miscarriage but rather because so much about infertility is public news (especially when you have a blog). We like the idea of keeping that good news between the two of us like a precious, intimate secret. But my guess is that we will be way too excited to keep it to ourselves! (-:

    Also, how sad would it have been if Risa's baby would have passed without ever being celebrated and recognized? Celebration may make a loss more difficult at first, but in the long run, I can see how the healing might come more easily and fully.

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    1. I am glad that I was not the only one rubbed the wrong way by that comment.It just made me think about what I would do... and how I would feel if someone told me that.

      Thank you, Em, for your comment!! XO

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  19. You're right--other people can decide when they want share their good news, but I won't be telling anyone until well into the 2nd trimester because I have a lot of insensitive, condescending, fertile "friends" who are always saying the wrong thing. Actually, just one particular such friend who always rubs me the wrong way. If I then suffer a miscarriage, she'll cram the "everything happens for a reason" b.s. down my throat. Speaking of which....she's not really my friend, just an annoying coworker that I can't avoid unless I get a new job.

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    1. There are always a few who ruin it. I am sorry that you have to deal with "friends" who make you feel bad. That sucks, I have been there...

      I know that we all have a right time... it just isn't the right time for everyone.

      I wish you all the best!!

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  20. Theresa,

    I read your post as saying that it is okay (and even a little wonderful) to celebrate a pregnancy if that is what feels right to you. As someone who has also never gotten that BFP, I know I will be telling my family and a circle of supportive friends about it. I know too well that it is a crap shoot as to whether that pregnancy will stick or not. And given how long I have been trying, I will need every one of those people to hold me up if things go south.

    And I completely understand that those who have had losses might be more likely to keep it close. Each person/couple gets to decide what they need the most.

    And everything you said about Risa and her pregnancy and her strength, I was nodding in agreement as I read. It's like you read my own heart and put it up on your blog!! I will never forget Risa and Adam. They are a part of my life now too.

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    1. I completely understand both sides of the coin. Even though I've never been there...

      I know that I will need my family and friends to be there for me; through it all!

      Adam will always be remembered and I will always admire Risa and Chris.

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  21. When I got pregnant in October I planned on telling people after my first beta that way it was actually confirmed I was pregnant. I don't understand the need or want to wait. I'm not saying it's wrong, I just don't understand it. Unfortunately we never got the chance because I miscarried the day before my beta, so instead of confirming a pregnancy it confirmed the loss. I still announced my pregnancy and miscarriage to my friends and family because I needed their support. I have a biological child that is no longer alive and that affects me greatly. That is a part of my identity now. I wear a memorial necklace every day. That's just not something I can hide from people. If I am ever lucky enough to get pregnant again the plan will be the same. If we are able to adopt we will announce being paired with a birth family, even though that's not a done deal either.

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    1. Thank you for sharing this. I have been worried since I posted this, that people were getting the wrong message.

      I love that you remember your first baby. It is so important to do that. (in my opinion)

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  22. I'm so sorry for your friend Risa's loss. I can't even imagine her pain. Just like you...I'm very open and I would probably share the news as well. Especially since we blog and so many people know we have been trying to long. I hope to hear your BFP very soon! Hugs.

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    1. Too many people know about our IF. If we didn't tell... they would know something was up!

      I hope that you are doing well. My fingers are crossed so tight for you!

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  23. A great post. I especially like the bit where you say: "every pregnancy means a child is growing and because we have no idea how long we have with that child we need to celebrate its life! It doesn't matter how far along you are".

    We finally got our BFP on IVF#4 and by that stage had such a support network of people cheering us along that there was simply no way we would keep it a secret. We announced to family and close friends within an hour of getting the first beta results and had put an announcement on facebook within 2 days of the news. I started spotting within hours of that facebook announcement, but even if the spotting had been bad news I still would not have regretted celebrating the life that was growing in me.

    I am so sorry to read of your friend's loss and hoping you get to share your good news very soon.

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  24. Here from Mel's roundup... I agree with all of this! A BFP after infertility deserves celebration and recognition. I would have a hard time keeping the information private... And wouldn't necessarily see the need to either, especially to those near and dear to me. In Risa's case, I think the comment from the real life person is another example of the lack of understanding people have about infertility.

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    1. Welcome!!

      Perfect comment! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

      Hugs!

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  25. Everyone has the right to share when they feel it's best. For us, we wanted to wait. It was around 8 weeks when we shared with Hubby's parents. We had a miscarriage the following week. While I was very happy we had that moment of sharing the news with them, it was extremely difficult to also share our grief. It was easier to share the pregnancy, and resulting miscarriage, with the rest of the family after the fact. This time we waited until the 10 week mark to share it with a few close family members. We will share with the rest of the world this weekend at 14 weeks, assuming all goes well at today's appointment. If something happened, we just needed to be able to grieve on our terms. Something could still go wrong, it's never a guarantee, but that is what we were comfortable with. Every person handles their emotions differently. Just because we didn't jump right out and share our news immediately, doesn't mean we weren't celebrating the babies we have growing. And just because someone shares their news the first day they find out, doesn't mean they are wrong to do that either. There is no right or wrong. It's what you are comfortable doing personally. There should be no judgment from anyone, least of all from anyone in this infertile world. We are here to support each other.

    Also, no offense a your post. You have a good heart Teresa and are a good friend.

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    1. Love you!

      I have never been pregnant- so this was written more for myself and how I will react to a BFP- I totally get why others wait. I don't think there is a right time to share this kind of news... it varies too much.

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