Momentary Breakdown

I put my head in my hands and bawled. I held my face and asked God "Why? Why can't I feel that joy? Why don't you think I deserve to be a mother?" 

I am not sure if it's related to my hormones, the lack of babies in the house, or the post holiday blues, but something is getting to me.

I was browsing Facebook this morning and I saw that a friend of mine had her baby boy right before Christmas. She started trying long after us. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for her, but there is a bit of anger that fills my body and soul and it is not directed at her personally, but it is there. I seem to experience it any time someone is able to conceive so easily.

You can see the love and excitement on her and her husband's faces when they look at that beautiful newborn baby; an excitement and love that I am ready to experience. But, it is not happening, and, unfortunately, I don't think it will happen anytime soon.

Our circumstances have changed just these past few weeks. I had to have a tooth pulled, and I will need to get an implant. Since dental insurance sucks, we have to pay a large portion of that out of pocket. Unfortunately, that means we have to dip into our "fertility bank". So, we are going to have to postpone the IVF we had planned to do this Spring/Summer. That decision was a hard one to make, but we just can't bring ourselves to get to far into debt. So, first things first.

Maybe I am blue because of that decision as well. It's hard to have to put a major dream on hold. A dream you have worked so hard to achieve. For now though, I will continue to stay on the birth control. I do notice that my moods seem to be a little more "predictable" now that my cycles are exactly 28 days, for the first time in my life!! So I guess that is some goos news. It is even fun to have a little "ohhh la la" time with my husband without any pressure; just pure fun! I think he enjoys it too.

I wonder sometimes if I should consult the doctor about doing another round of injections, since the IVF is on hold. We can afford that right now. But then IVF would have to wait until next year.... I think I just feel like I need to be doing something! My husband keeps trying to remind me that we are doing something and sometimes that means taking a long road with a few detours. I love how he keeps me sane and tries to keep me upbeat and positive. He is my light in this darkness, for sure!

From here on out I need to remember that even though others have an easier time conceiving, there is a chance that we WILL be parents one day. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Mourning...

On December 14, 2012, we were all hit with a sad, horrific, heartbreaking crime. 27 people lost their lives that day, and billions of hearts were torn apart.

I am not a mother, but I am an aunt, and for me, that is pretty darn close. I wouldn't know what to do if one of my nieces or nephews never came home from school. These children in Connecticut are not my next of kin, or friends, not even acquaintances. They are complete strangers, but I grieve for each and every one.

There are so many opinions going around as to why this happened and who is to blame. So many of those comments make me ill. This is not a debate. A mentally ill individual killed 27 innocent people. HE is to blame. Not the NRA, the school, the teachers, the shooter's parents, and NOT GOD! The shooter was obviously mentally unstable, he was ill. Normal people do not have thoughts of mass murder; let alone a mass murder of small children. A normal person could not carry out those actions. 

I have chosen not to read any information about the shooter, I wont even call him by name. Maybe that is cruel, since we think he was ill, and obviously in need of  mental health help. But, none the less, he killed those beautiful people, and then himself. Leaving us all wondering "WHY"?

These days I notice myself reflecting on my loved ones, reaching out to them, spending more time with them, telling them how much I love them, because we just never know.

I vow to remember these families and to keep them in my prayers always. May their memories live on....

"I bet that gets expensive"

I decided I would post a  rough estimate of our fertility costs. People always ask us how much it is costing us out of pocket, since the insurance doesn't cover any infertility treatments (You don't want me to to get started on insurance and diagnosis; that is a whole different post in itself!), or remind us how expensive it is. We know. Some people save for a vacation, or a new car. We save for a baby. I am currently having some teeth problems, and I asked my mom "What do I do? Put money in my mouth, or uterus!" Haha!

Here is the breakdown--this will explain what we have done to this point and what we face next. Hang on to your seats!

To date (remember this is rough estimate, I am going off memory here!)

June 2011- Surgery to insure there was no endometriosis, made sure tubes were open and clear, cleaned out uterus and checked for cysts.
My cost: $2,500
Insurance covered $ 10,000

July 2011- Started clomid 50 mg days 5-9
My cost: $6.00 for meds, $150.00 follow up ultrasound

August 2011- same as above

September 2011- Clomid 100 mg
My cost: $12.00 for meds, 150.00 for ultrasound

October 2011- Clomid 150 mg days 3-7
My cost: $15.00 for meds, $150.00 for ultrasound, and $120.00 for lab work

November -Feburary-- Rest cycles. We tried naturally here... and my cycles went back to 34- 56 days apart!

Feburary-- We were referred to a RE in Eugene; Dr. Austin. He diagnosed me with PCOS and explained what it was to me. (I should go into that in another post!)
I started taking Metformin. I started with 1,000 mg a day, and now I am up to 1,500 mg. I don't even know I am on it. I don't have any side effects. Rarely.

March- Started Femara, 5mg, days 3-7
My cost: $5.00 meds, $120.00 lab work
We went to Vegas in March, and I tested positive for ovulation on day 15!!!

April- Same as above + $450.00 for ultrasound, ovulation on day 17

May- Same as above + IUI 
My cost: $375.00 IUI, $150.00 ultrasound

June- Rest cycle. My period went from 31 days to 43 days

July-- Injection series
My cost: $600.00 for the meds, $300.00 lab work, $150.00 ultrasound, $375.00 for the IUI

August- #2 Injection series
My cost: $700 for the meds, $300.00 for lab work, and $450 for the ultrasound

September- today--
Rest cycles- I am currently on birth control to keep my periods from going haywire again! BOO!

Our future plan:

IVF in the Spring/early Summer

• Charges are for the following:
• Visits assosiated with IVF 
• Ultrasounds during injections and retrieval/transfer
• Hormolnal mointoring (lab work)
• Embryo development, care and transfer
• ICSI
• Anesthesisa
• Supplies( surgery pack)
• Retrieval room
• Doctor Fees
• Sperm processing
• Embryology lab
• Transfer supplies
• Transfer room
• Cryopreservation/ 1 year storage
• Sperm Analysis
• Hysteroscopy
• Lab
• Pap Smear
• Meds

Total: $8,000- $12,000

 Important Notes About IVF Cycle Costs

• Insurance does not pay a dime on anything infertility related
• We have a HRA account with a balance of $4.000 that will go towards the medication price
• Additional FET if the first transfer fails is $1,500 dollars more + meds
• There is no guarantee. We could spend the money, go through the process and still end up with no baby!

You can read all about IVF here: http://www.womenscare.com/home/wc1/page_868


Well, there you have it!

Feel free to ask me any questions- I am happy to answer them.

Best,
Teresa 

That's MY stork!

My first post

Our stork!

This picture cracks me up!

 I am new to this whole blogging thing; I figure I will learn as I go... 
so... here goes nothing!