I was recently contacted by Marcy at Sensitive Ginger asking if I would be willing to post something she has been wanting to post but isn't comfortable publishing on her own blog. After reading her post I was reminded, once again, why I have this blog and why I started it; to let out the all of the feelings I was keeping in; to release the things I wanted to say, but couldn't.
I've mentioned to many of you that I want this blog to be your outlet as well; that is why I keep my Guest Post invitation open. I want to be here to be your outlet- to be your voice when you can't speak.
So, with that being said... Here is Marcy's post- please be sure to offer some insight or advice; I know she'd love to hear what you have to say!
And thank you, Marcy, for knowing that you could turn to me for help.
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| Hope- be a voice http://beavoicearts.com/ |
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This post is going to go deep and get scary. I have been having an internal struggle for a while now that I have been holding back on posting about because I don't want to cause hurt feelings. I've been filtering what I write and haven't been genuinely writing how I feel in the moment for fear of what someone that knows me might think. Many of you chose to write anonymous blogs to avoid having these conflicted feelings and so that you could write freely and unload things that you might not be proud to admit in real life for fear of judgement. I have been trying to tread the fine line of being honest about my struggles and emotions around them, but at times I've held back or tiptoed around the details of what's really eating me because I didn't want any judgement or feared that my writing would be taken out of context and turned against me.
You see, when I first started this blog over a year ago I didn't know it would become a major emotional outlet and source of comfort for dealing with fertility struggles. I had no idea the path we'd follow and that I'd end up enduring multiple fertility treatments. I had no clue about the sensitive nature and heightened vulnerability that I would experience being a member of the infertile tribe. At first my blog was completely anonymous, but then I decided to open up a little and then bit by bit I began telling a few people in my life about it. I never felt the need to broadcast it or post it on Facebook and really only told less than a dozen of people about it. After that, every so often I would feel bad about going on a mini rant and I would write in a disclaimer like I did in this post. I also added this tab to my page for friends that visited to have a resource and help on what to say and what not to say to me, since I fully realize it can be a very difficult situation to navigate.
Most of the friends that I shared with would leave a comment, call or email me to let me know they were reading and offer support. Others, would never mention it and on a few occasions I would awkwardly ask, "Hey have you been reading my blog lately?" Some people surprisingly responded yes, they were reading (even though it had never come up before) and others flat out told me they had no intention of reading and would rather hear about my life from me directly. As things got more intense I again posted a warning about my vulnerability and asked my readers not share my blog. Right after that is when this blog turned into an all out, TMI, detailed and emotional overload of our fertility struggles. I chose to share it all because I became part of the incredible online tribe of women fighting the same battle and together we provided each other with an enormous amount of information, a huge amount of support and a giant sigh of relief that we don't have to go through this alone.
Then later, when shit got even more intense and we officially got our infertility diagnosis, I posted a more detailed plea to friends following along in real life. I'm copying the meat of that post here, because I think it really gets to the heart of the matter on how I felt and still feel about what I share on my blog.
I have already shared this news (referring to our diagnosed infertility) with a couple of my close friends and now that I am writing about it on my blog a small handful of my friends in real life are being let in. This blog is for me to process my thoughts and emotions and for those of you out there that haven't experienced fertility struggles much of it might seem overly dramatic or dark. It is something you can't understand unless you've experienced it, so I ask you to not feel sorry for me, make judgements or ask one billion questions. If you're unsure of what to say you can read this article or if reading this blog gets to be too much then stop reading. Many infertility blogs are written anonymously so that the author does not have to sensor anything with worry that it may change how friends or family see them in real life. I hope to continue without filtering my emotions or worrying that people are gossiping. It goes without saying that anything that you read on this blog should not be repeated. I am so thankful to have such great friends in my life and I don't say these things to offend you, but to protect myself and openly communicate my intentions. A short communication from you that says, "I'm thinking of you and am here to listen if you need me." is the most comforting to me and lets us both find equal ground without added stress.
After that I really tried to forget about who might be reading and became completely absorbed in being an active member of the infertility blogging community. I did not hold back on writing about my emotions or any details of our journey. It became my safe place, where I felt accepted and didn't have to hide my fears or pretend that everything was ok. A few of my friends continued to follow along and would occasionally check in with me to let me know they were caught up and everyone that checked in did an amazing job at finding the right balance of showing support without any judgement or probing. Once, I even got a message from the partner of a friend confessing that they were reading which totally threw me for a loop, but I respected this honest confession and again felt nothing but support and genuine friendship. A couple times, someone would pop out of the woodwork after not having read for months and sort of surprise me and so I would be reminded to post another disclaimer to friends about how to best support me and also to let me know if they were reading.
This peaceful balance didn't last because at some point a bomb was dropped and my open blog backfired. A reader that I know in real life reached out to me in confusion on something that I had written and feelings were hurt. It was a huge blow that I didn't see coming at all and created an immense amount of stress. We met in person to talk about it and were able to clear up some of the assumptions and mostly move past it. Although, I was surprised and hurt at first, I was glad that we had confronted it head on and relieved to have moved past it. She ultimately decided that she wanted my blog to be a safe place for me and told me that she would only look to me for updates.
Not long after that a chain of other shocking things happened that made me realize I had picked up some additional in-real-life readers, some that knew about my blog way before it became intense and others that found out through an unknown leak amongst the few friends it had been divulged to. My feelings of vulnerability became extremely heightened and I was completely torn on how to proceed. Should I confront the readers face to face? Would that help or only further add stress and exhaustion? Would we be able to move past it or would it result in a friendship break up? Had they somehow missed all my prior warnings and suggestions on how to offer support? It felt like someone had stolen my diary without permission. I debated on whether I should make my blog private. It felt really strange to find out they were reading and not know how long they'd been reading or how often. How many times had we seen each other with them pretending they knew nothing about my current state of emotions? It caused a significant amount of turmoil, but I eventually decided that I should conserve my energy, retreat and focus on what I can control. I have not written off these friends, but have been keeping them at a distance and staying well within my protective bubble. Ultimately, I decided to try and let it go and keep on blogging like normal.
Obviously one of the risks of posting your deepest, most intimate details of your life on a blog, is that anyone can read it. Yes, anyone can read it and I have no control over how people respond. I have zero control over how my blog is perceived or how it is interpreted. I did not want to change how I utilize this space or filter what I wrote based on who I thought may or may not be reading. As hard as I tried to let it go, the crack in the foundation had been created and I couldn't shake the heightened sense of vulnerability. I began filtering what I wrote or avoiding posting entirely and I did not like how it had changed my blog. Something else I noticed was a mix of emotions when reading anonymously written blogs with authors' openly expressing frustrations about being an infertile living in a fertile world. More than once I left an emotional bomb in their comment section about my own frustration with in-real-life relationships. I felt terrible for leaving these comments about myself on their blog and began to realize even more that my decision to let it go was far from successful.
So here I am writing this post, my heart racing the entire time as I try to sort through the mess of it all. Do I save this as a draft never to be published? Do I make this blog private and wait to see who requests access? Then awkwardly deny those that I don't feel comfortable with? Do I post another plea, like many I've posted before asking friends to come forward or stop reading? How many other unknown readers have I picked up that are stalking me and yet pretending they have no clue in real life? I don't know what to do. I dread causing anyone discomfort, but I can't continue to try and let it go. This blog was created to be a place for me to openly share my emotions and experiences and it isn't that place right now. Will I ever be able to drop the walls and call this my safe place again? I want this blog to be a source of information and raw emotion to all of those out there that are experiencing infertility and if I make it private how many people will be left to feel alone? My page views last month came in at 3,566 and my all time history of views clocks in at 14,316. If I sensor myself or go private how many people will miss out on finding information or solace in knowing they are not alone on this journey? Have you found yourself in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? My heart is still racing. I don't know that there is an easy solution or a way to avoid further stress or hurt feelings. I only know that I can't continue with things as they are.
Marcy- I hate that you're in this spot and that you feel this way. Unfortunately, I don't think I have a lot of hope to offer. If you blog on a public blog and either put your name/photos of yourself or tell real life friends/family... you can't really protect the blog any longer. People are going to talk, share, etc. It's the internet. We live in a world where EVERYTHING that get's posted is fair game. If that makes you feel vulnerable, I think you're best bet is to move to an anonymous blog and shut down and delete the old one, or make your blog private. I simply don't think that it's realistic to expect every real life friend or family member to come forward and tell you that they are reading. And yes, you can ask them to stop reading, but you are posting it online... to many people that probably feels like an open invitation. And ultimately you simply can't control if they follow through with your request or not.
ReplyDeleteI really do sympathize with your situation though. I've blogged openly throughout (and before) our journey and countless people have found it, heard about it, etc. I occasionally post on Facebook, but sometimes someone else will link a post on Facebook that I didn't, or share what I shared to a group of people (or person) that I'd rather not know. Particularly when we were in IVF, I didn't know if I wanted the whole world to know the second I knew I was pregnant... coworkers, friends, family, people at church... it seemed daunting. But eventually I decided to stay open.
Essentially, I think you just have to decide what you're comfortable with. If you aren't comfortable with friends or family reading or sharing, I think you've only got three options: 1- stop blogging (boo), 2- change your blog to private, 3- start a an anonymous blog and refuse (politely) to share with friends and family.
Good luck to you as you sort through this. No one likes to feel vulnerable, particularly about something like infertility. Do what YOU need to do!
Hi Amanda, Thanks for your insights. I appreciate you sharing your experiences and sympathizing.
DeleteOh Marcy, I can see how this has caused added stress. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
ReplyDeleteI decided to blog anonymously because I was not ready to admit my situation, or my feelings, to anyone. I have since told my BFF about my blog, but trust her completely to keep it to herself. I know that if it were to get into other hands, it might get leaked (intentionally or not) and I wouldn't feel it were a safe space anymore.
But I admire your bravery to share your story publicly, and applaud you for helping educate people about infertility and the struggles that come with it. I wish I were strong enough to do the same.
If you are feeling like this outlet has become a place where you need to filter your thoughts, when all you want to do is share exactly what you are thinking/feeling, I agree with Amanda that you should either make your blog private or start an anonymous one. It may not be easy to deny people access if you do make it private, but at least you would know who your readers are and gain some comfort in that. And there's nothing wrong with telling people that you've decided to make this a more private matter.
If you're concerned about missing out on the non-vulnerable, fun stories that you like sharing, especially now with your great news, you could start a second blog for real life people. I do this (actually started my public real life one long ago), and it allows me to share and track life moments that I don't mind or want my family and friends reading. Of course keeping up with two blogs isn't always easy, but it works for me.
In any rate, please let me know if you do start a new one or make yours private as I'd love to continue following you and cheering you on!
Hey Sarah, It has definitely added some stress. Had I known what my blog would become I would have only shared with best friends. In the end I'm glad I shared it with friends to help educate about infertility and the struggles that come with it, but there are a few people that clearly couldn't handle it.
DeleteI hadn't thought of having two blogs, that is certainly an idea. Thanks for sharing. It makes me feel better to have your support.
Marcy- I would love to post this entry on my blog! I have had the exact same feelings as you. I haven't been blogging as long but I started anonymously and slowly told immediate family then our very closest friends about it. Since they aren't bloggers a lot of them read, but don't comment. And I always wonder how they can see me in person and not say anything when they know everything we are going through. I'm sure they don't want to intrude but when you are reading about the most intimate details of my life and our most difficult struggles how could you NOT say something. Then I find myself wondering if they are up to date or what. I have also had some friends share my blog with others that I didn't okay (for instance their mom) and why it doesnt' necessarily bother me it feels......intrusive to have someone reading that I didn't openly invite. Finally I have definitely found myself filtering feelings and comments due to the audience. Which isn't helpful because then I have no way to get those feelings out. Even though they are my family and friends doesn't mean they understand what we are going through and never say anything that is hurtful or insensitive (because they definitely do!). And I've lost my ability to vent about it because I *know* they didn't do it to purposely hurt me and in turn I don't want to hurt them. After 2 failed IVF cycles I have thought about starting a new blog that I would keep completely anonymous but I fear I would lose some of my "infertile" friends who have started following me and have been such a comfort and support to me. So I'm still in limbo as well.
ReplyDeleteMoral of the story is I get it. And I'm sorry you have to deal with this. And I love the way you stated everything in your post! Good luck with finding your resolution.
Hey there. I could have written this word for word. You understand exactly how I'm feeling. You are more than welcome to post this on your blog. I think my struggle really comes down to two things. One, surprise and disappointment in the friends that didn't deal with it well and either stalk or make it about them. Two, disappointment in myself that I can't just let it go and fully accept that all friendships can't have a deep connection and understanding. Not sure what I'm going to do, but writing this guest post certainly helped to heal some of my wounds.
DeleteThis post has really caused me to reflect on my own decisions regarding my blog. Even though I blog semi-anonymously, there are some IRL friends/family who are aware and follow along.
ReplyDeleteThe one key thing that is coming through as I read your post is that you're feeling out-of-control with your space. There's the fear that you can't truly express who you are and that's really a damn shame. Your blog should be for you and you shouldn't be having to censor yourself constantly out of fear of someone becoming offended or upset because of you expressing yourself. So, in my humble opinion, you have a few options:
1) Say screw it, write your heart out and inform all those who are offended that if they don't like what they're reading that they can simply stop reading. Because your space is your's and if they can't deal with it, tough.
2) Go private and deal with the awkwardness of denying requests (frankly, for the lurkers, I don't think you'll have to deal with this. they read because it's convenient).
3) Abandon ship and start a new blog. Inform those you want to inform, leaving the lurkers in the dust.
4) Continue with the warnings and reminders that this blog is your space, trying to be as sensitive as possible.
Knowing these options, I think the next big question is WHY are you blogging? Is it for support? A place to vent? Or is it to educate? What, if anything, is your overall goal. For those you are actively advocating, opening up makes a lot of sense. For others, they need that space to vent without having to worry about offending others. I think by answering this question, the answer will become clear.
Finally, I want to commend you for writing this post. It must have been a very hard thing to do. I hope that by hitting publish you find the support you need as you make this decision. It's a hard one and I truly wish you all the best as you move forward.
Hi Cristy, I really appreciate you reflecting and sharing your thoughts. It has been really tough for me and your comments help a lot. I sometimes try to put myself in someone else's shoes and think how I would feel if I were on the flip side. Of course, I can't say for sure, but I think I would feel really weird reading someone's emotions and struggles (regardless of the topic) if it wasn't something I would feel comfortable talking to them about in person, which would make me stop reading.
DeleteI want my blog to be a source of information and a place of solace for others going through this journey. I also want it to be as real as possible, without having to filter. Something I have done when a sensitive IRL reader issue comes up, is write about it, but save it as a draft post instead of publishing. I'm still not sure how I'm going to proceed, but I really do appreciate your input and support. Thank you.
Sorry Marcy...you're experiencing this. It is tough to decide whether you should blog anonymously or open it up to the world (unfortunately that often includes people you know in real life). There are certainly positives and negatives with both options. I hope that you find the answer that works best for you because in the end...writing and sharing this emotional stuff is too hard and too much work if it doesn't make you feel good. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteHey Jessah. Thanks for your support. You're right. There are definitely positives and negatives either way. It's so hard to find a balance with everything in life and when deep emotional stuff is involved it gets even trickier.
DeleteUgh, blogging and navigating the internet can be so hard. I like Cristy's post above - figure out why you're blogging, and that will help you decide what you want to do going forward. Knowing that the internet is so open, I started off not telling anyone I knew in real life about my blog. Then after awhile, I thought I might as well let people I know see it too, so I linked to it from my Facebook. I did have a moment of panic when I remembered a blog I'd written about a family member that wasn't totally positive and nice and now she'll be able to see it, but I decided that it's OK. I can censor myself on my blog like I'd censor myself if I was talking about someone in person (i.e. I don't give myself permission to disparage people just because the people can't hear me), and if I feel like I need to be 100% honest and raw I feel OK doing it because that's the point of the blog.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing I try to remember is that I can't control how other people feel and think and interpret, and while that doesn't give me free rein to say whatever I want, I still don't lose sleep over what I write.
Hi Megan, Thanks for commenting and sharing your experience. I agree with what you say about not giving yourself permission to disparage people just because the people can't hear me. It's tough to write about a situation that happened when someone unintentionally causes you pain. I am aware that most of the time people don't know how to deal with someone they know struggling with fertility and that it can be challenging and uncomfortable for them. What is hard for me to deal with, I that I told people that were reading exactly what to do if they weren't sure and yet it is still difficult. Early on in my blogging when I would write about a painful situation I would provide the disclaimer that I'm not mad at my friend, I'm mad and frustrated by the situation. Now I'm even afraid to write about any in real life situations... Because I know I can't control how other people feel, but I don't want to hurt them or for them to send me something unintentionally hurtful, that is actually extremely hurtful.
DeleteSounds like you found a good balance. Hope I can get there soon. Thanks again for commenting.
This post touches on something that I have found difficult to wrap my mind around fully, as someone who reads various blogs from time to time, but does not have my own blog. I hope this won't sound insensitive if I share my thoughts. Since the writer is grappling with difficult emotions and a sense of losing control over her space of expression, I wanted to respond to a couple of the points made by Cristy, who wrote: "There's the fear that you can't truly express who you are and that's really a damn shame. Your blog should be for you and you shouldn't be having to censor yourself constantly out of fear of someone becoming offended or upset because of you expressing yourself...
ReplyDeleteSay screw it, write your heart out and inform all those who are offended that if they don't like what they're reading that they can simply stop reading. Because your space is your's and if they can't deal with it, tough."
I've heard very similar opinions expressed by many bloggers (especially if something negative happens, such as a disagreeing comment or a hurt friend), but I often find myself thinking that this is actually somewhat of a myth - and a myth that the writer has encountered in an unsettling way. In many ways, a public blog is NOT truly a space "owned" by the writer. A private diary would offer that sense of total ownership. But something written on the internet is basically like publishing an article in a newspaper or writing it on the side of your house - even more so if your own name and identification are present. I don't think that in these other examples of public expression any author would feel that he/she was owed privacy or control - once written words are published for the purpose of others reading them, they always become something separate and are equally "owned" by the readers. I think this gets really murky in the world of online blogs, where many blog writers feel for whatever reason that they have been violated or are being "stalked" if people are reading...I don't quite understand this, since surely they are putting their words and ideas into such a public setting precisely because they in fact want readers, and want to feel that others have heard them. I guess where the "blog myth" comes in is where the blogger actually wants to have some sort of control over the readers, even if they know logically that this is impossible. I absolutely know that Cristy's comments were meant to be helpful, and perhaps they are. I just don't think they actually would solve the issue for the writer. In reality, the blog is not entirely "her space" and if others have a problem with the content, this may affect her relationships and her own well being. (No one would, for example, throw a huge fit in public or something, and then claim that no one should be affected because they were just letting off steam and doing what they felt like doing...I know that's not a perfect example, but my point is just that any form of expression or action can affect others - and the internet doesn't offer a true escape from that). There's this weird blurring of online and real life worlds at times, which is what the writer has experienced. Real relationships that can be damaged because perhaps it's not in fact ideal (for either the writer or the reader) to have friends and family reading one's darkest, innermost thoughts - essentially peering into their diary. And this is something that simply cannot be controlled or filtered. It is the cost of blogging publicly, so it is well worth asking if it's worth it. For some it is, but for others, perhaps not. For what it's worth, I think you have touched upon a really important issue, and one that I often see being "pushed away" by bloggers.
Hi Mary, I think that Cristy's statement was only one option (of many she listed) and some people do feel that way about their blog. Sometimes I wish, I could say to hell with it and write whatever I want. But that isn't realistic unless my blog was anonymous or I didn't care at all about my friendships. I think my problem might partially be that I care too much, thus the name of my blog, Sensitive Ginger. LOL. I do appreciate your insights from the perspective of a reader and I don't think that your comments come across as insensitive at all. I guess one part I can reiterate is that I expected strangers to stalk or maybe misinterpret. But I was surprised to find that in-real-life friends would do the same thing as this was something I hadn't considered. Having my blog has provided me and others with such an enormous amount of support that I can say without a doubt it's worth it. I just need to work out a few kinks, make adjustments and then keep going. Thanks for chiming in and adding to the discussion.
DeleteGood luck with figuring it out your navigation of online and real-world realities, Marcy. Gosh, sorry for such a long-winded post...it was something that had been on my mind when I came across this.
DeleteHey Marcy. Sorry you're feeling this way. It's tough to have people that you know in real life reading your blog. I really want to express my feelings without reservations. That's why I write my blog the way I do. I mean... I do have a few real life friends who read it. I don't know why but I don't mind them knowing how I see things. For others, even some of my best friends and my SIL (who is also my best friend), I don't let them read my blog. I am trying to put myself in your shoes. It's such an unsettling feeling if some of my real life friends find out about it. And honestly, human beings are so curious and nosy about things. They WILL continue reading because it's so intriguing to read/know about the inner world of someone that they know. I read Cristy's comment above. She made a very good point about what your main goal is for writing this blog. For me, it's to connect with others in similar situation without having to filter my feelings too much. Anyhow, I hope that soon you'll find your solution in this. Love you girl.
ReplyDeleteThanks Isabelle. I know what you mean about being not minding some reading, but not letting others. One of my best friends made the same point abut how nosy and curious people are by nature, which is so true. I'm still working on finding a solution. Right now I'm leaning towards going private.
DeleteI had this same debate with my own blog. I've run a blog for close to 10 years now, and many of my real life friends and family read it. Even though I mostly just share funny stories and life updates there, I've still had to sit down with some friends and explain things that they took offense to - it happens.
ReplyDeleteI began reading infertility blogs when I hit 1.5 years of trying to conceive with no luck, and I realized how much I needed support and a place to be open about it. But I wasn't ready to share with my real life world. I made the choice to start an anonymous infertility blog and join this community that way. I'm not ready to share with my family and friends yet, so I haven't told anyone about the blog. I've only connected with other infertile bloggers. Of course, this choice isn't for everyone, and you have to decide what you're comfortable with. Sometimes I feel like I'd really like a few people in my real life to know what I'm going through, but I'm not ready to change how I blog, and I wouldn't be comfortable writing the way I do for people I know in real life - with all the drama, TMI about my sex life, and messy emotions.
Wishing you the best in whatever you choose, Marcy!
Hi Lilee. You have quite a long record of blogging! I am such a newbie and learning how to navigate online definitely comes with growing pains. I expected some people not to agree or take offense to my blog, but I thought it would be random haters. Had no clue that it would come from someone I know.
DeleteI do find comfort in knowing that my best friends are keeping up with what is going on and it's nice that I don't have to explain all the procedures and details to each of them. There are pros and cons for sure.
Thanks for commenting and wishing me well. I love the support from this community!
I think it would be pretty awkward not knowing who was reading your blog. I only have my sister and one aunt from irl that reads my blog (that I know of), but it's also not a private blog so who knows who else may have found it by now. I really don't think anyone has, but.... It would be a very awkward thing to constantly wonder who was reading when coming face to face with friends and family. I'm sorry you are feeling confined and not able to really open up about how you are feeling anymore. This blogging community is an absolutely wonderful place. I'm glad you've been able to connect with so many people. Good luck finding that safe place again.
ReplyDelete