Recently, after a long, emotional and much needed conversation with my sister, I realized that I owe many of you an apology. I may have made some of you feel unappreciated. I am sorry if in my comments about "things to say or not to say to infertiles" I offended any of you. As much as hearing things like "just relax", "I know it will happen", "give it to God", or "God has a plan", make me cringe, it is not right to disregard those words of advice or encouragement from you. I should never get upset, or annoyed over it; or at you. I think deep down I envy you. I envy the ability you have to remain hopeful and optimistic.
It is natural, I think, for people to try to encourage others in times of despair. I think there are "defaults" we tend to use as well when we don't really know what to say. I know that I am guilty of telling someone who is in a difficult place that "things will be okay", and I know now that those words may have really pissed them off, but I had to remain positive for them. I can't say that I knew one way or the other how things would turn out, but I felt like I had to show them that I cared, and that I held onto the hope that they were lacking. Maybe when you say those things to me you are also helping yourself believe. I know that our journey is painful for you too. You love us. You want us to achieve our dream. You want us to be parents. So, to trivialize your words of encouragement is unfair of me because I know you are grieving as well.
Many of you, like my sister, who have not been where I am, who may not know exactly what we are going through, say those things to reach out and to show support. I am wrong for ever making you feel that it is not appreciated. I don't want you to be scared to encourage me, or afraid to keep me positive. I need you to keep me positive. We all know that I have days when I am anything but optimistic, and it is comforting to know that you are willing to stay hopeful for me. For us.
I don't want to push you away. I want you to be involved in our journey and I want you to remain as positive as ever. I need you to, because this journey will, at times, rip all the positive attitude I have away in an instant; but you can keep me going.
Jody Earle wrote a letter to her friends and I think it is so eloquently written. She helps explain the feelings that infertiles face, she explains what we need from you, and reasons why we need you. I don't want our relationship to be based on a script, but I thought that the letter might help you to understand why some things hurt to hear more than others. Maybe this letter can help you understand better than I can.
I love you all. I want you to be able to support me, to talk to me, and to ask me questions without fear. I promise to cherish your words and appreciate your concern from here on out.
Thank you.
Teresa
