2015 Updates

Merry Christmas Eve!

I can't believe my last post was nearly a year ago! I have thought about writing so many times, but I am in such a different place in my life that I don't know what to write.

Since the year is coming to an end I decided I wanted to update my blog just a little. So, I decided I will review our 2015 Bucket List.

We finally made it to Below the Falls Lodge for Mike's birthday and it was amazing and so extremely peaceful! The house was FULL of unique décor and was just so cozy!

This summer was spent camping and kayaking! We bought ourselves a travel trailer and kayaks and we made sure we got as much use out of them as possible. Camping is so much easier with the trailer, but we have not and will not retire the tent. I still love tent camping! We made it up to Timothy Lake for the first time and hike the Pacific Crest Trail

We both got our passports (Mike only had to renew his) and we made it out of the country! We went to Dream Riviera near Cancun Mexico for our 4th wedding anniversary and it was wonderful! We didn't leave the resort as I was not feeling super great; the heat and humidity killed me, but we met some amazing people and enjoyed the resort a lot. Next time though, we will try for a different location.

Mike has been fishing many times, but that is his passion not mine so I don't have any photos of this trips :-) Fishing is his outlet and its my least favorite hobby- I have NO patience anymore.

We didn't make it to a professional sports even either- time seriously got away from us. I started a new job and Mike got a different position at work so we couldn't really ask for more time off. My niece moved to Florida so I am hoping we can go visit her soon and I can take Mike to a Miami Heat game!

We just had out 4th Annual White Elephant Party and it was a blast as usual; it is a great reminder that my life is full of fun people!

And finally. I turned 34 a couple weeks ago and Mike took me to Sunriver to shop and then to a nice quiet dinner. It was a great day!

That is pretty much my 2015 in review! I am still here.... still thinking about you guys. We are no longer trying to have a baby- we are focusing on enjoying the life we do have and surrounding ourselves with loved ones. I will get into our infertility issue at a later date; it's just not my focus these days.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

and

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2015 Bucket List

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! I can't believe 2014 has come and gone, time just seems to fly by. I remember when we were actively trying to conceive time felt like it was never going to pass; we were always waiting for something.

So much has happened for so many of you this past year. A lot of my infertile sisters have become mothers and some are planning their second child. I still haven't gotten pregnant, but I am in a good place right now and I am finding contentment more and more every day. To be honest, my goals have changed from trying to get pregnant to loosing weight.  

Between 2013 and 2014, I lost a lot of weight; nearly 30 pounds. But, in the past year my weight has crept back on. I haven't have a regular cycle and I have been having this annoying, nagging, pain on my left ovary for several months. As I said in my last post (ages ago) they thought the pain was from the 17mm cyst an ultrasound showed, but I disagree because it has not gone away and it still lingering. 

I have an appointment with and Endocrinologist in a few weeks and I am currently on a diet medication to help drops some of these pesky pounds (don't judge!). I don't want to continue with an RE at this point- I want to find the pain, balance hormones, and diet, and get to a healthier state.

This year Mike and I decided to make a Top 10 Bucket List. We each wrote down 10 things we really wanted to do this year; ten things we CAN make happen.  We spent so much time trying to control my cycle and infertility that we wanted to focus this year on things we can make happen. And each year Mike says "We are going to do something I want to do; since we always do what you want." I didn't argue; he is right. Mike is very accommodating when it comes to my wants. So, I  decided (ha, see, I make the decisions) that we would both write down things we really wanted to do; together or alone. That way we each got to fulfill our wants throughout the year.  We came up with some kick ass ideas, if I don't say so myself!

We already have my #10 booked! We will be celebrating Mike's 40th together at this amazing cabin. I found this place a couple years ago and we have been talking about booking it  since then. This year, we are crossing it off the bucket list! How amazing is this?

I am trying to convince Mike that we need to knock out my #7 (Vegas) and his #2 (Zion) together in one vacation. I was thinking we could fly to Vegas and spend a couple nights on the strip then rent a car and drive up to the Zion (a 2.5 hour drive) and spend a couple nights there and a couple days hiking. Then we could catch a flight home from Utah or drive back to Vegas and fly home from there. Mike doesn't like the idea; he thinks it should be two separate trips because he wants to camp a for a few days in the Zion and visit Bryce Canyon. 

My #2 and his #6 are going to happen one way or another. We've been talking about it since our wedding. This year is our 4 year anniversary and I think it is about time we have a REAL honeymoon! I have been looking into Mexico and Hawaii. We really want to do the all- inclusive so that we don't have to worry about a food or beverage limit. I don't know what a good price is for airfare or five nights would be- I've NEVER left the country. I've spent countless hours "researching", but always become too overwhelmed to decide. Besides, I need to check #1 off the list before I can do anything! Planning a trip without my passport physically in hand doesn't seem like a good idea.

I have no doubt we will knock out all 20 items this year. I am head strong and once I make a list of "to dos" I have to check them off. Or at least give it my best shot!!

What would you do if you wanted to visit Vegas and the Zion in one year?

Where do you plan vacations out of the country? Do you use a travel agent or do the shopping solo?

Lab Work

For the past couple months I have been experiencing this sharp pain on my left ovary; similar to ovulation pain, but much more intense and consistent. My last cycle was 97 days long, and I started feeling the pain before our trip to Montana. It is a sharp, stabbing, twisting sensation and it often is noticeable in the sitting or bending forward position.

The pains started before Montana but I didn't pay too much attention to them (other than when I was experiencing them)- I was more concerned with my absent period and it's timing; I feared it would appear as we were camping, in a tent, in bear territory! Once we got home, and my period came, I figured the pains were related to my "ovulation", however, the pains continued through my period and have continued, even, on cycle day 53.

Last week, I decided it was time to take a look inside and see what was causing this pain; I feared it could have been a big cyst or a growth. I had labs done and a pelvic ultrasound and the tech actually found a freakin' 17mm follicle on my left ovary, unfortunately, it was CD 47! Today I got my labs back and this is what they read: (keep in mind: this is not a monitored cycle- this was only a draw to see WTF my body is doing....)

FSH: 3.6
LH: 11.1
TSH: 1.14
Prolactin: 13.66
T4, Free: 1.19
Insulin: 7.5

Radiology Report:
Last menstrual cycle: 9/30/14
Uterus: 8.2 x 3.6 x 4.3cm
Endometrium: 6.6mm
Right Ovary: 37 x 27 x 27mm (multiple follicles)
Left Ovary: 49 x 25 x 35mm (Follicles up to 17mm)

I was told that everything on the ultrasound looked fine; the follicle could be an ovulation cyst and that may be what is causing the pain, or maybe a follicle (probably not a good one) and my labs resemble a PCOS patient. I was told I could do two things: go on the pill to regulate my cycles or try Clomid or Femara again to help both regulate my my cycle and promote ovulation.

After talking to Mike, we aren't prepared to do either, we want a better option. There is no way we want to completely prohibit our chance to conceive by, no matter how unlikely it may be, taking the pill and I don't think Femara will increase our option this cycle if it didn't the 7 cycles before it.

Am I being ridiculous and jaded by thinking that?

Anyway.... what do you make of my labs, my ultrasound and my pain? Keep in mind, we were NOT trying this month and we sure didn't time anything to match up with that 17mm follicle.

Montana On My Mind

Never in my life have I seen such amazing scenery. We went to Glacier National Park Montana, back in September and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. Even though we had a less than ideal trip, the beauty I was able to witness makes up for all the less than beautiful moments we experienced.

We started our trip late Friday evening by making the 10 hour drive to Missoula, where we stopped for fuel, food and last minute camping items; then we made the 3 hour trek into Glacier. When we arrived in Glacier we had beautiful weather the first two days on the west side of the park, but once we moved to the east side the weather changed; one day we had beautiful 70* weather and the next we had snow and 23* temperatures! Even though we were not truly prepared for the weather conditions we made the best of each day with long hikes; we hiked 30 miles in 3 days!

 Here are a few of my favorite photos of the trip, but trust me.... the pictures don't do the place justice.

1st day at Avalanche Lake

View along Hidden Lake Trail

Looking down to Hidden Lake from the trail

Along Hidden Lake Trail

I love the color contrast Glacier offers

Hidden Lake Overlook

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Day #3 Bull Head Lake Trail @ Red Rock Falls

Signage along Ptarmigan Tunnel Trail

Sigss don't lie- this is a bear you "bearly see"

Along the trail to the tunnel

The way up to the tunnel

We made it to the top! 

Goodbye, Glacier. I will miss you!

Final resting place- The Bitterroot River Campsite

The World Keeps Turning

You guys, it feels like I have lost my writing mojo. I have been literally sitting at this blank white screen rough draft (and watching the football game) for over a half an hour now for over two weeks. Every time I start a sentence I delete it. When did writing on my blog get so difficult? It's not like I don't have things to write about because I do. I used to write on this blog like it was my daily journal; thoughts and feelings used to flow so easily, but now I feel like I have to pry them out of me and when I do, it all just sounds so stupid.

The last time we were in the doctor's office for (in)fertility reasons was in April. We have not been consumed with anything related to fertility; we haven't been counting cycle days, charting temps, or spending bathroom breaks testing ovulation sticks. We do still (sometimes) talk about having kids; all the stuff we've tried and haven't tried, but it is just part of random conversation now- not motive.

I am still here reading your posts and checking in on all of you; even if I don't comment like I should. I'm not gonna lie though, I feel so detached from my infertile life and friends right now. It's been along time since we have really tried to get pregnant that sometimes when I read your posts or Facebook feeds I become overwhelmed-- like I can't relate anymore.

Some days it really does feel like we have been left behind to suffer alone in the bitter battle of infertility, and other days it feels as though we were meant to be the "child-free" couple that we are. Infertility is a catch 22; while we are able to do whatever we want, whenever we want, we have to face the fact that a lot of our friendships are going to change and some may even grow apart. The more time that passes the more I realize I may never relate to friends who have kids and they may not be able to relate to us any more, either.

I mentioned to someone the other day that it seems as though life only changes when you are the one on the outside looking in. There are times it feels like our lives have stayed the same (even though they haven't) while all of our friend's lives seem to be growing and expanding; we watch the children of our loved ones evolve from dreams to growing realities; the infants are becoming toddlers and toddlers are becoming teens and the only thing changing in this house is Zoie's our waistlines.

Even though infertility is painful and dream crushing- I hope that our story might be able to be the light in someone else's darkness. I hope that I can encourage other women (and or men) to find happiness in the life they do have; to seek the sweet in the sour. Life is not perfect, but some times the most painful experiences can lead us to beautiful transformations.

I don't believe that our battle with infertility is ending in defeat; I believe our story is continuing on with strength, determination and hope -- and I believe that time can help lessen the pain of our wounds.

That is all I have for now..... if I keep trying to add on to this post I will never post it.

P.S. I haven't written on the new blog yet but you can find me here...
http://ourlifeslemonade.blogspot.com/

Cha - Cha - Changes!

Sometimes in order to be happy you have to take risks. I've have taken quite a few risks in my time and recently I took a one more.

As many of you loyal and loving readers know, I was unhappy at the place of work I was at and contemplating leaving because I didn't like all the drama and instability; I like it when policies and procedures are enforced all the way across the board, not just enforced when the mood is right.  I like to be around honest, hardworking people who play well with others and who have drive to be part of the solution- not the problem. Since that was not something the office could provide me with (a happy place to work), I had enough and on July 9th, I put in my two week notice. 

There was a moment when I was completely stressed and was panicking about what I was going to do for income since I decided to leave prior to getting another job, but then I started talking to people, applying for jobs and setting up interviews and things quickly started looking up; on July 15th, I was offered a position with a well established, well know dermatology office that I used to work for 10+ years ago! Mike was never worried about me getting a job; he said I would get one with little effort; he was right. 

****

My family has been in town from California so I have been spending a lot of time with them outside enjoying this amazing weather! My sister and her two kids were here last week and were a huge support while I was transitioning. They kept me busy and laughing. This week my brother is here with his three kids and his sweet wife. I will be occupied with them until Sunday morning when Mike and I take off for some much needed camping!

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Mike and I have slowly started talking about embryo adoption- or donation. We are just bouncing ideas and thoughts off one another at this point so I can't say which way we are leaning... if at all, but we are talking about trying and that just goes to show we may never give up our dream even though there may be times we choose to focus more on ourselves and the life we have. 

Finally, with that being said, I have also started a new blog- a blog focused more toward our life after infertility. I want a place where I can express our love for this sweet and sour life. I will probably use it more for life posts.... like this one and the post that prompted it. I know there are nosy people out there that want to dig up dirt and this way they don't have to search too hard... all the dirt about my life, my thoughts and my feelings will all be in one place and easy to find; and they won't have to filter through CM updates, ovulation test results and infertility thoughts to find the "dirt" they really want. :-)

Updates

I thought I'd update you guys with what's been going down in my "so called life""

Let's go back to May 4th. Of course, it wouldn't have been National Infertility Survival Day without my period.Yep, I started my period on that same day!  However, this is the second month in a row that I have had a 28 day cycle and I am seeing that as a good thing; not to mention I knew it was coming, so it was not a complete surprise. I have the same symptoms every single cycle. It starts with a low back and hip pain, then the tender breasts, followed by the bloat, and then the lovely AF arrives.

Mike gets more excited about my regular cycles than I do! I asked him if we wanted to start trying again- using the temp method and ovulation strips. His response? "I am always ready to have sex.... until the forth day." HA HA! I am not sure how much monitoring I want to do since it seems to stress me out even more, but I am down to try - planning it around the symptoms I feel. I mean, we've tried the basal temp method and ovulation strips for how long now with out any luck.... all we can do it hope at this point.

Now, let me fill you in on my J. O .B situation. I decided to stick it out with the new doctors for a little longer. That does not mean that things have improved for me- if anything they have gotten more uncomfortable up front between the "office manager" and myself. I am a pretty outgoing, happy, friendly person who likes to make everyone feel welcome. When I talk with the "manager" I don't get anywhere. The other day I asked her if it was cold outside when she came back from lunch.... I asked because 1) she never talks unless spoken to and 2) there was another co-worker sitting up front with me and I wanted her to hear how the "manager" spoke to me! It was a real eye opener for the assistant sitting next to me... the reply I got was a very stern, uninterested "Yup". The assistant looked at me in awe; she later called me to ask if that is how I am talked to on a daily basis. The answer I gave her? Yup.

During my review my bosses told me how much they loved they way I interacted with the patients and that they were happy I chose to stay. They also made a comment about my personality that has left me feeling uneasy; they said I have a "strong personality". I am not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing. They think that my personality is the cause for my frustrations at times; that I get emotionally involved in both the gossip and or drama that happens in the office because I don't want to make anyone mad or have anyone upset with me and it also may be the reason I take things personally. Maybe they are right. But, is having a strong personality a bad thing?

Mike thinks she is trying to make me miserable so I will quit and that's not going to happen. I will leave because I want to leave; not because someone wants to push me out-- good luck, lady. That tactic won't work on this "strong personality"!

Ugh.
Anyways....

The seasons are changing and I love it. I am a total sunshine and blue skies kinda gal so I have been busy planning out our summer trips! We decided against the "luxury camping" for our anniversary because of the horrible customer service I received when trying to book our stay. So, instead.... we are headed to Glacier National Park for a camping/backcountry backpacking trip!! We have had the Zion and GNP on our bucket list and we have decided to start with Montana. People tease me because I have never been out of the country and my reply is this " America has so many amazing placed that I have yet to see, why do I need to leave the country to experience beauty and relaxation?"

Although, I am getting my passport for this trip- since we may head into Canada since we will be on the border which means a tropical vacation is just around the corner. We might try to plan a camping/backpacking trip in Costa Rica or Hawaii. I am totally fine with that kind of travel- I love being semi-adventurous! But, that will be a year or so away. For now, we are focusing on Montana and making it a trip of a lifetime!

This is our first backpacking trip and I was surprised how difficult it was to obtain a back country permit! I have been all over chat groups and community boards seeking any advice I can get! Most people agree that because we are going after "peak season"
we should be able to get our permit and a campsite fairly easy; if we arrive at the ranger stations early enough! It takes about 3 months to plan a trip like this and it is a lot process. We are still trying to decide which trails we want to go on and what sites we can't miss. I think the plan is to find a base camp for a few nights in a primitive spot and then spend a night or two in the backcountry. We will ease our way into backpacking this way.



All I know is this: I CAN'T WAIT!!

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I survived! It was a great day actually. We spent the morning at my mom and dad's house with two of my sisters, their husbands and kids, and my mother in law. I love it when we all get together; especially when we all get together at my parent's house.  It always feels like home. After breakfast we decided to take the dogs for a walk since the weather was so nice.
We loaded up around noon and drove up to Lava Butte- about 13 miles from home to an old cinder cone that erupted many years ago. It was a nice 4 miles walk around the lava beds and up the butte for a great first day of training for GNP!

Oh, geesh- I totally forgot to tell you about Mike's birthday weekend! Here is a photo recap of that amazing weekend!! We went to the Redwoods in California, Gold Beach, Oregon and then wine tasting in Southern Oregon.

Hwy 101 south of Gold Beach

We loved this beach!

Our favorite spot... The Smith River

Turtle love in the Redwoods (turtles are fertility good luck)

High in the Trees on the SkyTram

Awe, I love you, too!

The mountain men

Ha, Mike is wearing the same outfit as Paul!

Wine tasting at Fiasco Vineyards

The guy likes wines (sometimes)

Such a beautiful view! (the vineyard- not me!)

My amazing husband all vino-ed out

Have you ever been to Glacier National Park?

Have you ever been on an extended backpacking trip? 

Do you think a strong personality is a bad thing or a good thing-- or inbetween?