The World Keeps Turning

You guys, it feels like I have lost my writing mojo. I have been literally sitting at this blank white screen rough draft (and watching the football game) for over a half an hour now for over two weeks. Every time I start a sentence I delete it. When did writing on my blog get so difficult? It's not like I don't have things to write about because I do. I used to write on this blog like it was my daily journal; thoughts and feelings used to flow so easily, but now I feel like I have to pry them out of me and when I do, it all just sounds so stupid.

The last time we were in the doctor's office for (in)fertility reasons was in April. We have not been consumed with anything related to fertility; we haven't been counting cycle days, charting temps, or spending bathroom breaks testing ovulation sticks. We do still (sometimes) talk about having kids; all the stuff we've tried and haven't tried, but it is just part of random conversation now- not motive.

I am still here reading your posts and checking in on all of you; even if I don't comment like I should. I'm not gonna lie though, I feel so detached from my infertile life and friends right now. It's been along time since we have really tried to get pregnant that sometimes when I read your posts or Facebook feeds I become overwhelmed-- like I can't relate anymore.

Some days it really does feel like we have been left behind to suffer alone in the bitter battle of infertility, and other days it feels as though we were meant to be the "child-free" couple that we are. Infertility is a catch 22; while we are able to do whatever we want, whenever we want, we have to face the fact that a lot of our friendships are going to change and some may even grow apart. The more time that passes the more I realize I may never relate to friends who have kids and they may not be able to relate to us any more, either.

I mentioned to someone the other day that it seems as though life only changes when you are the one on the outside looking in. There are times it feels like our lives have stayed the same (even though they haven't) while all of our friend's lives seem to be growing and expanding; we watch the children of our loved ones evolve from dreams to growing realities; the infants are becoming toddlers and toddlers are becoming teens and the only thing changing in this house is Zoie's our waistlines.

Even though infertility is painful and dream crushing- I hope that our story might be able to be the light in someone else's darkness. I hope that I can encourage other women (and or men) to find happiness in the life they do have; to seek the sweet in the sour. Life is not perfect, but some times the most painful experiences can lead us to beautiful transformations.

I don't believe that our battle with infertility is ending in defeat; I believe our story is continuing on with strength, determination and hope -- and I believe that time can help lessen the pain of our wounds.

That is all I have for now..... if I keep trying to add on to this post I will never post it.

P.S. I haven't written on the new blog yet but you can find me here...
http://ourlifeslemonade.blogspot.com/