Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted anything! Even though I haven't been as active as I have been in the past; I am still here checking in on all of you! It just seems like lately I have lost my touch. Maybe it is because I am not sure where we are going next and I figured since I have nothing going on in the TTC world- there was no point on updating my "infertility" blog.
You see, I am not sure how I feel about my infertility anymore. We have gone so long without doctor's appointments, and ovulation tests, and timed intercourse that my infertility - even having a baby- has become old news now; a thing of the past. It's turned into one of those "if it happens it happens" conversations. I find myself scheduling appointments for shoulder x-rays and chiropractor appointments now instead of weekly visits with the dildo cam. I can't remember the last time I "dropped my pants" at the doctor's office. I actually forgot my RE and OB's phone numbers; I can no longer recall them off memory and oddly that feels like victory.
My infertility has no longer been the forefront of our lives. Sure, I talk about it with others and I am still very passionate about bringing awareness to those who know little about it but, it is not something we are: saving for, planning for, or waiting on at this point.
The entire time we have been together we have been focused on how to get my body to work properly and then on how to get pregnant. Lately, we have decided to stop planning and aiming for a "goal" or a certain outcome; we've decided to just live for a while and see what happens- you never know.
Our decision to stop treatment wasn't only because we didn't want to gamble away more money but because we just felt it was time to focus on something different. We did our time, we put forth great effort, and we understand that it will take a lot more money (we're hoping for a miracle) to get us pregnant and right now that just isn't where we want to spend it. I want to live and create a life with my husband. I want to have memories that fill me with joy and love and laughter. I don't want to look back at our life- or our debt, and see that it was spent searching, planning, and trying instead of living, breathing and exploring.
In retrospect, TTC was really hard on our marriage. I think I tried to see all the good in our relationship because I needed to focus on what was going to hold us together- but, in reality, infertility and trying to conceive took a toll on the relationship we had started out with. A real toll.
My bitterness was easily shown and I got angry at the drop of a dime. Mike, bless his heart, did the best he could and expressed himself the way he knows how, but, to me that was never enough. I began to expect more from not only myself, my body, the doctors but my husband too. Some cycles were better than others but in the end- our intimate relationship took a beating and it is still trying to recover. Not only that- but we lost the ability to thoroughly communicate. Communication is HUGE in any relationship and it is the one thing that I believe can make or break a marriage. Our's was showing real signs of struggle and it was heartbreaking.
I've thought long and hard about this blog and it's purpose, and I've concluded that it's to share my struggle with others. To show that even though things may not work out the way we want them too, I can still find happiness and joy in the life we do have. I want others to know that even though the emptiness will always be there in the shadows; it doesn't have to take over your life, or define you! YOU get to make that choice. Infertility has shown me just how much I have to be thankful for and it's taught me to see things through different perspectives.
I hope that my story gives strength to others who are unable to see the light at the end of this tunnel. My struggle has not ended the way we hoped- but my struggle has show me just how strong I really am; just how strong we really are. For that, I am grateful.
From this struggle; came strength.
Now, time for a 2014 photo share........
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| My new car! |
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| Some views in January |
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| Worst game of the season- but I still love 'em! ( I love my Oregon Bronco hoodie, too) |
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| Snow daze! We got 18-20 inches of snow in two days! |
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| Painted Hills- John Day Fossil Bed National Monument |
This is exactly where I was about a year ago. A year of no appointments, no treatments, no real hope for a BFP later....I'm just about ready to get back up on the horse. I think that when we're in the midst of it, we naively deny the effects that infertility is having on the other aspects of our life. It's not until we step back that we can acknowledge and heal the damage to areas other than just our hearts and our checkbooks. My lesson is that I'm not the same person I was before TTC, and that I'll never get to be that girl again. I regret that and I miss her, but am learning to cope with and accept this new reality. Hopefully this knowledge and acceptance will help us in our next round of actively undergoing treatment. There just be a purpose for all of our struggle....but it's hard when we aren't sure what that is. It sounds like you're discovering yours. I'll be thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteGlad you posted!! And I'm glad you've found things that have made you happy during this time. Thinking of you my friend. XOXO
ReplyDeletebeautiful! Glad you're at a more peaceful place, and that's because you allowed yourself to journey through what you needed to at the time.
ReplyDeleteAww, Teresa I am sad and hurting for you that all your struggles didn't have the out come you were hoping for (yet) but I am glad to hear you have found a peace with where you are now. As we all know, anything CAN happen. It also might not...but it might! I think you are an amazing woman/friend and If you do ever become a mother, one way or another, I know you would just be the best mom in the world! My personal attitude if fuck the money, fuck the debt, do whatever you have to do to get knocked up but I know that doesn't work for everyone. I just hate that so often the decision to continue treatment comes down to money, it's just not fair. If I ever win the lottery I am going to start a foundation that helps women/families become parents. That and a pit bull rescue organization! And I will hire you to run one or both!!! ;) XOXOXOXOXOXO
ReplyDeleteTeresa, this is exactly what happened to us in 2008. After treatment gave us no answers and no results, we just stopped. We let it go. It was the best decision I ever made. We adopted more "kids/pets" and we moved overseas. My hubs and I volunteered our time with children and even worked with big brothers/big sisters of America as a couple with a young boy who didn't have any role models except his elderly grandparents who were raising him. It changed our lives. It also changed our marriage. We were so broken and this last five years healed us. We opened up about our infertility and made new friends. We also discovered that several of our friends were suffering the same disease and hadn't felt able to share. Now we are actively discussing feelings and treatment with them and they finally have someone to share with. So do we....
ReplyDeleteFive years later, we are restarting in Germany seeking new options and finally got an actual diagnoses. Will treatment work? I don't know. But if it doesn't, it's ok. I know it's possible to let go and to move on. I did it for five years and what I found was that I have an amazing gift. I don't know many people who have a partner like I do. I am so much closer to my spouse and more open/honest with him then the friends we have with kids. They often seem like they are sticking together because they have too. Very sad! I stay with my hubs because I want to, because I choose too. Nothing is gluing me to him. I just know that he is it for me. He completes me, not a baby.
Whatever happens, you are the lucky one. You have a life partner that wants you. You have opportunities to touch so many other people's lives with your story, and your already doing it! You are an amazing person and not having kids has no effect on that. I hope you find peace and maybe someday you'll try again, you'll find another way, or you'll continue to be a guiding light for others who are still lost on their path of infertility.
You are a beautiful person and I thank you for sharing your story and helping me on my path. Your group and your page motivated us to give it a second chance. I didn't think I would be able to face "the disappointment" again, but now, I realize that whatever happens next is ok with me and I don't feel the stress that "this time it has to work". If we can't conceive with the iui, then we are stepping up to the adoption plate with a smile. So thank you for your contributions to my peaceful journey.
I have been thinking of you and wondering where you went! It sounds like you are really at peace with your decision which is wonderful. I hope you enjoy your time with hubby and create lots of nice new memories. I hope you continue to update us too :)
ReplyDeletethe challenge of infertility is so hard in EVERY aspect. I don't think people will ever realize the depths of it until they go thru it. Thank you for sharing your experience!
ReplyDeleteCome to Ohio and see some more cows =)! Whatever path you take, please know that you have been a great friend to me.
ReplyDeleteYou sound so at peace, it's wonderful to hear! I pray for your miracle!
ReplyDeleteGlad you checked in. I'm so happy that you've found peace with your decision to let go and just accept what comes. I know it's so difficult to recognize what infertility does to a marriage when you're in the middle of it, especially when TTC becomes so all consuming. I admire your decision to step back and focus on your marriage and living. I'm glad you see that your journey isn't ending, you're just starting a new one.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about you lots and I'm glad you posted an update. I totally understand how infertility can take such a toll on a marriage...even the strongest marriages struggle. I'm praying for you and am believing that while you wait, God is still working to bring your miracle to you. xoxo
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So I had this whole lovely comment and then Feedly ate it. Grrrr.
ReplyDeleteHere's the short version: though I'm so sorry that you are at the stage in your journey that wasn't what you originally planned, I LOVE your outlook on this. Too often, people assume that in order to conquer infertility one has to walk away with a baby (and that said baby will magically heal all the wounds). Yet time and again, we know that conquering infertility requires one to make a conscious choice to live and be happy despite the trauma of infertility/loss. You are a shining example of that.
I wish you and your husband many wonderful adventures and I can't wait for the next post so that I can follow along.
I really appreciate your honesty in this post with respect to how tough infertility is on a marriage- even a good marriage! I tend to bury that stuff, and not discuss it openly, but even a year after we gave up our infertility battle, hubby and I are still trying to fight our way back. The reality is that the experience has changed us both, and we need time to get to know each other again. It's getting better for us though, and it will for you as well. Best wishes to you, and I hope you keep on blogging about all your new adventures!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post. I'm happy to see you are getting some peace and I hope you can make some wonderful HAPPY memories with your husband!
ReplyDeleteYou may not realize this, but your post from early December gave me the strength to take a break. Your comment about being in a better place emotionally and physically made me kind of envious! ;) I said to heck with this infertility nonsense, I want to just get away from it all for awhile! I too need to live for awhile. I admire your strength and hope and pray that it does happen for you two.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is so authentic; I feel as though I can really understand (but in no way have experienced) what you are going through. You sure have a beautiful heart and one that deserves so much out of life. I am so glad to hear that you freeing yourself of the stresses and are taking time to enjoy the here and now in 2014. Always thinking of you XO
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post! I'm happy to see you finding peace.
ReplyDeleteThis is so beautiful. I miscarried our second child last week and I just scheduled my first appointment with a specialist. The road ahead scares me, so thank you for being such an inspiration and for sharing these words.. xox
ReplyDeleteHey my friend! This is where Hubs and I were at for so many years, then one day we decided to roll the dice and take that gamble. Whether you eventually get to that point or not, I am glad you are at least now finding your happy place in the meantime. I don't care if you write about infertility or not. You are a good writer, and a better friend. I think you should keep blogging, no matter what it happens to be about. This blog can take a shift to other things. You've got many bloggie friends that just want to hear from you, no matter what you choose to write about!
ReplyDeleteGlad to see a new post from you. You're an inspiration. I'm so glad you and your hubby are enjoying each other again and in a good place. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI love this post and the message behind it! Life is for living.
ReplyDeleteI love this post and the message behind it! Live is for living =)
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