tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post4784347234817270417..comments2023-04-16T06:40:40.346-07:00Comments on Where the *bleep* is our stork?: Knowing Our Limits; Even When It Hurtswherethebleepisourstorkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07271670155545574441noreply@blogger.comBlogger40125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-61824144269672263582013-09-04T11:01:49.953-07:002013-09-04T11:01:49.953-07:00Wonderful, honest post. I share your sentiments pr...Wonderful, honest post. I share your sentiments precisely. I worked several years in Child Protection so I can see it from a unique angle, too. When people asked, "would you adopt?", I often struggled for an honest answer because seeing the things I saw, the failed adoptions, the attachment and behvioural issues, etc., it scared me away from adopting. It's great that you recognise your limits and how challenging adoption can be...a lot of people just don't realize.Shantesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09261385064196501791noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-65602123308751972072013-09-03T21:17:19.851-07:002013-09-03T21:17:19.851-07:00So refreshingly candid! We took adoption off the ...So refreshingly candid! We took adoption off the table too for many of the same reasons you discuss here, not to mention the level of advocacy behind birth mothers and how it influences the power dynamic of the whole process in which I feel we would be subjected to highly intrusive nosing about in our home, finances, religious beliefs, medical history, you name it and, basically, begging for a baby that she has the right to reclaim after adoptive parents have already taken baby home and started to bond. No thanks. Donor egg still lingers as a the next potential go-to step because we could avoid many of these "limitations." But you're right about the money and its finite supply. I really appreciate you having the courage to voice this point of view. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-37016085019777112082013-09-01T23:21:39.079-07:002013-09-01T23:21:39.079-07:00No need to feel bad about special needs kids. my h...No need to feel bad about special needs kids. my husband and I have two kids with special needs , after IVF , and it is so hard. Some days we wonder how we can go on. I would not adopt one or wish this life on anybody.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-35410579876076816382013-08-30T12:57:50.022-07:002013-08-30T12:57:50.022-07:00I have thought and felt so many of these exact tho...I have thought and felt so many of these exact thoughts. I've wondered if it meant I would be a bad parent if I wasn't willing to accept anything just to become a parent. It doesn't. Doesn't make you, or me, or anyone else a bad anything for knowing our limits. battynursehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02240029154165501340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-50135034407383726872013-08-30T08:46:38.687-07:002013-08-30T08:46:38.687-07:00I truly think it is so difficult for us to be hone...I truly think it is so difficult for us to be honest with ourselves- let alone putting it out there for everyone else. Its so important to be honest with ourselves and its not easy. I give you so much credit to be strong enough to say no this isnt for me. I completely agree - adopting is not the answer to infertility. Its an option in creating a family- yet- but not the answer. My prayers go out to you! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03257674420881990140noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-10036193649540444712013-08-29T13:54:31.389-07:002013-08-29T13:54:31.389-07:00Thanks, Jen! I don't want to settle and that i...Thanks, Jen! I don't want to settle and that is exactly how I feel about it now... I would be settling.wherethebleepisourstorkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07271670155545574441noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-39151503003878304772013-08-29T13:53:50.420-07:002013-08-29T13:53:50.420-07:00I don't just want to be a mom... I want to be ...I don't just want to be a mom... I want to be a mom to OUR child. Adoption won't fill the void- and I don't want to ever feel guilty for not wanting to take on a child that is not biologically mine. We have to do what we are comfortable with and I would rather be childless than adopt- honestly. wherethebleepisourstorkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07271670155545574441noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-4452398255531210502013-08-29T13:52:32.626-07:002013-08-29T13:52:32.626-07:00It is more than just wanting a baby- it's abou...It is more than just wanting a baby- it's about wanting our baby, a baby with the one I love... It isn't just about having A baby...<br /><br />Thank you for your kind words! I am rooting for you. Always.wherethebleepisourstorkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07271670155545574441noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-73002122808602444152013-08-28T07:11:25.471-07:002013-08-28T07:11:25.471-07:00Adoption is not for everybody and you shouldn'...Adoption is not for everybody and you shouldn't feel bad for that. Of course, we talked about adoption, but in the end we knew we had to try everything we could for a biological child. I started to think of adoption as the backup plan and that is not the right way to go into something like that. You have to want to do it. It's not fair to you or the child if you are just settling for adoption. Thanks for being so honest. I think many of us have had those same thoughts and it's nice to know we aren't alone.JenShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00056681492831041470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-44040863431500977902013-08-28T02:06:10.775-07:002013-08-28T02:06:10.775-07:00As you can see by all these supportive responses, ...As you can see by all these supportive responses, you are not alone in your thought! Adoption is NOT easy. If we were to adopt, the only way we could remotely afford to do so would be thought the state, but you are almost guaranteed an older child. Not that those children don't need, or deserve, a loving home, but we also aren't in a position of wanting to take on the already ingrained problems that an older child will come with due to the environment they were raised in to that point. I have friends that have adopted from the state, the kids just under 5 years old, and it has turned out to be an incredible experience for them. I am happy for them, but that is not always the case. I've spent hours poori g through the files of children in need. I have spent a lot of time feeling like a horrible person in my decision not to adopt. The bottom line is that I am not 100% sure I could love an adopted child as unconditionally as a mother should and like they deserve, if they were to turn out to have some serious issues. That sounds absolutely horrible and I know it, but I feel like that child needs to go to a home that is readily able to accept that child unconditionally. Ugh. It just sounds bad no matter how I try to word it. Bottom line is, I agree with you totally, and like everyone else here, you are supported and not alone in your thoughts. I greatly admire those that adopt with open arms and are called to that. I think they are amazing people that are inspiring because of their big hearts. I just happen to know its not for us. Amberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16507432917936364757noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-72843501572107073452013-08-26T18:23:41.678-07:002013-08-26T18:23:41.678-07:00Like everyone else said, this is a down-to-it hone...Like everyone else said, this is a down-to-it honest post. I have felt the guilt so many times, of "Well, there are so many children in foster care... so many special needs children..." I am a firm believer that certain people are called to certain things. <br /><br />One of my good (but at times, misguided) fertile friend was chatting online with me when we were at work the other day. I was telling her about the next IVF and how overwhelmed I was feeling. She wrote back and said that she knew I was going to get mad at this, but there are so many children in need of adoption and that it doesn't matter how families are made. It really offended me, like I should stop focusing on myself and think about the children in need. It's crazy how so many people don't have a clue about what adoption really entails. And no one seems to think about the fact that we need to come to the crossroads of accepting the idea of not having a biological child. <br /><br />Teresa, you have many options, and none of them are "easy" ones. But you have a wonderful man beside you and you guys will be able to make the decision that's right for you. <3Risahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01134469272401945848noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-31865686177730050442013-08-26T17:47:45.682-07:002013-08-26T17:47:45.682-07:00Hello! Welcome!
I am honest. I used to be a reall...Hello! Welcome!<br /><br />I am honest. I used to be a really good liar- so I thought. Now, it is often time a little too much truth! ;-)<br /><br />People don't understand how hard it is for some us... we can't just start a family... it takes a lot to go through what we go through. Adoption isn't going to make it all better... not for me, at least!wherethebleepisourstorkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07271670155545574441noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-98227965962821292013-08-26T17:45:58.221-07:002013-08-26T17:45:58.221-07:00Thanks. I appreciate you reading.Thanks. I appreciate you reading.wherethebleepisourstorkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07271670155545574441noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-65455335546778997152013-08-26T17:45:43.590-07:002013-08-26T17:45:43.590-07:00It was hard to see those kids. It was hard to have...It was hard to see those kids. It was hard to have an expectation and then have the hard reality come. Adoption isn't easy. It is a process and it doesn't always end the way we want it to.wherethebleepisourstorkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07271670155545574441noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-33709268111822292152013-08-26T17:44:24.000-07:002013-08-26T17:44:24.000-07:00I appreciate your comment.
I also appreciate the...I appreciate your comment. <br /><br />I also appreciate the truth the adoption agency told your friends. Adoption won't fill THAT void... <br /><br />I was scared to post this, and it was written through many tears, but it was something I needed to verbalize. wherethebleepisourstorkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07271670155545574441noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-33027550410918685452013-08-26T17:42:42.064-07:002013-08-26T17:42:42.064-07:00UGH! People are so ignorant. Nothing is free... UGH! People are so ignorant. Nothing is free... wherethebleepisourstorkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07271670155545574441noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-30890827333481712292013-08-26T17:41:58.426-07:002013-08-26T17:41:58.426-07:00Thanks! I know that even though our own child may ...Thanks! I know that even though our own child may be born "less- than perfect" it would be our own flesh and blood. I pray for all those children I looked at... but I know that they deserve more, more than I am able to give. Thank you for support me!wherethebleepisourstorkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07271670155545574441noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-77445011882006216712013-08-26T08:40:35.426-07:002013-08-26T08:40:35.426-07:00I think this is a wonderful post (here from LFCA)....I think this is a wonderful post (here from LFCA). Wonderful because you are so very honest, and because you (or your husband) have raised something that so few people forget. By the time we get to considering adoption, we are also damaged. We are hurt, exhausted, and our emotions are fragile. Not to mention our bank balances may be exhausted. So looking at adoption - especially adopting older children, or children who have special needs - is even more daunting than for those - perhaps hardier, perhaps uninjured - souls who suggest we "just" adopt. And I think that point is very often forgotten.Malihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03928262526502319303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-69354336700045591282013-08-26T06:50:17.813-07:002013-08-26T06:50:17.813-07:00Wow, I can't even imagine. I really admire yo...Wow, I can't even imagine. I really admire your honesty here! Thank you for sharing!Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17199324961244085710noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-38511473304218497662013-08-25T22:38:03.685-07:002013-08-25T22:38:03.685-07:00I think you showed a lot of courage in considering...I think you showed a lot of courage in considering adoption and though I have never looked through those adoption profiles I can feel my heart sinking just from reading your description. Of course every child should have a loving home including special needs children. At the same time it is not up to infertiles or any parents to save the world or all the children in it, unless they do have a calling to try do so. Mel touches on this in her book when she says "parents are not saviours - they are merely people raising children." I think your point about being drained financially and emotionally by IF is also a good one - older child, foster child or special needs adoption may be simply too much on top of the IF grief. I have a ton of respect for people that do go that route - it takes a lot of courage and optimism and I know an IF veteran ( now in her 60s) who fostered a child who was both older and special needs. Things did not turn out well unfortunately, at least not in the long run. But this woman has so much strength and zest for life despite everything she has lived through, or maybe because of it. I love talking to her because I feel that no matter what happens, life can be worth living. torthúilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07738803052167620020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-88453103919977144852013-08-25T13:49:49.096-07:002013-08-25T13:49:49.096-07:00I really appreciate your honest discussion of adop...I really appreciate your honest discussion of adoption here. It's been really helpful for me as I sort through some of these thoughts myself. We have also been subjected to the "Just adopt!" comments, and it's infuriating.<br /><br />One of my dear friends looked into adoption after infertility/loss, and when she and her husband met with an adoption agent, they were asked to state honestly why they wanted to adopt. After they told their story, the agent told them gently that "adoption is not a cure for infertility." The agent said that adoption is not for couples who are seeking to replace the biological child they couldn't have; it is for people who feel truly called to be adoptive parents. <br /><br />For me, that was an eye-opening story. My friend (who was eventually able to conceive and give birth to a daughter but is now struggling with secondary infertility) is one of the few people who I can talk with honestly about my thoughts on adoption because she understands that it's not simply an "alternative" to biological parenting. <br /><br />I can relate to so much of what you discussed here. Thank you for sharing your honest opinions on this very emotional and challenging topic. Anniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01507531522613335860noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-37658074120930924402013-08-25T13:36:42.044-07:002013-08-25T13:36:42.044-07:00My husband works with someone that was adpoted and...My husband works with someone that was adpoted and told him to, "just adopt it is free". The coworker is lucky my husband didn't strangle the individual for being so ignorant. Maybe the adoptive parents of his coworker told the coworker it was free but I'm sure it wasn't because I know of know lawyer that will do their work without wanting a fee.<br /><br />Hoping that things will soon go well for you.Rebeccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06316511791499949824noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-46995271676241461792013-08-25T11:52:59.875-07:002013-08-25T11:52:59.875-07:00This post rings so true for me as well. It does f...This post rings so true for me as well. It does feel so shitty to articulate that you don't want a child with special needs...but honestly who does? Everybody wants a healthy, un-compromised child and it is devastating to learn at birth or even before birth that the child you are carrying may have complications. When your child is born with or develops disabilities it is life altering. When it is your biological child that you have or had in your belly for 9 months, you deal with it. You deal with the shitty situation you have been delt. You love that child fiercely and roll with the punches for as long as it takes. That's YOUR precious little baby and you will do ANYTHING to protect it and make it's life better. <br />To freely and knowingly put yourself in that position after you fork over your life savings...it takes a very passionate, dedicated person who feels it is their "calling". I personally think you would have to be in a very secure financial situation to take that on responsibly...and let me tell you, I am NOT in a secure financial situation. <br />It doesn't make it any less shitty to verbalize these feeling out loud. Massive kudos for being BRAVE!!! xoxoNot Pregnant And Pissed!https://www.blogger.com/profile/16774575387874843165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-27461276721766112402013-08-25T10:18:57.726-07:002013-08-25T10:18:57.726-07:00Welcome! I am so glad you found me and that you ap...Welcome! I am so glad you found me and that you appreciate my honest ways. I hope that my honesty doesn't offend anyone!<br /><br />We are taking things one step at a time but a lot of the times my mind wonders. <br /><br />Some one once posted something that said "If you want to know where your heart is; pay attention to where your mind wanders".wherethebleepisourstorkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07271670155545574441noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3248832077031519183.post-37496264360349868402013-08-25T09:51:11.488-07:002013-08-25T09:51:11.488-07:00I recently discovered your blog and I have to say ...I recently discovered your blog and I have to say that I appreciate your honesty. You have pinpointed how I feel about adoption, foster care and esp. adoption of older children or children with special needs. I fortunately haven't had someone tell me to "just adopt" yet. My decision right now is to try IVF with own eggs, and then IVF with donor eggs. We may consider embryo adoption... And international adoption may be our last resort. My fear is that we would run out of money by then and it may take a long time to even get a match. So much to think about. That's why I try not to think about it and just do it one day at a time. Easier said than done.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com